Woman Jokes

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline

Wooden tit

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

“This is so embarrassing,” the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?” He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, “You are the most charming woman I’ve ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn’t want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell ring. She opens up the door, and a man with no arms and no legs showed. He says, “Hi, I saw your ad. I was hoping I could be your new boyfriend.” The woman was confused. “What makes you think you’re gonna be better than my last 3?” She inquired. “Well,” he began. “I have no arms, so I won’t abuse you. I have no legs, so I won’t abandon or run away from you.” “But how are you in bed?” She asked. And his response was, “Well, I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been divorced three times she decided to join an online dating service and was very blunt about her preferences- she flat out asked for a man who would never hit her, never run off with another woman and be good in bed. About three weeks later her doorbell rang and when she answered it there was a man in a wheelchair who had no legs and no arms. He said “Hello, I think I’m your perfect man.” She said “Really? How so?” Said the man “well, I have no arms so I will never beat you, and I have no legs so I will never run off with another woman. She stared at him and asked “Umm… are you good in bed?

And he answered “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

I can’t even finish a sentence without it coming up with other suggestions.

She is furious, threatens to kill them both… the husband says:

– Believe me, darling, this is just a misunderstanding. I was driving home, and saw this young lady trying to catch a ride. So I decided to give her a lift. I ask her where she needs to go, and she tells me she wants to visit some relatives, but isn’t sure about their address. So, I took her home so she could check our phonebook.

– Once there, I saw her dress is pretty ragged, so I decided to give her your old dress. Nearly two years that it’s been hanging in the closet, and you never wore it.

– Then, I saw her shoes are also about to fall apart, so I gave her your old shoes, which have been doing nothing but collecting dust for three years. Of course, she said thanks, and then asked:

“Excuse me sir, but is there anything else in this house your wife never uses?”

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.

As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,”he replied.

“I’m actually 47,” the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonald’s for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.

He replied, “Oh, you look about 29.”

“I am actually 47!” she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.

He replied, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.”

There was no one around, so the woman said, “What the hell?” and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, “OK, You are 47.”

Stunned, the woman said, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”

The old man replied, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”

She asks her husband, “How’s my cat doing?”

The husband says, “The cat’s dead.”

The woman’s upset and says, “Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t get her down.”

“Okay, I’m sorry,” says the husband, “I’ll remember that.”

The woman says, “Anyway, how’s my mother doing?”

The husband says, “Your mother’s on the roof and we can’t get her down.”

A man walks up and asks the woman “may I say a word” the woman looks at with with tears in her eyes and says “you may” the man looks down at the grave and says “abundant” the woman smiles at him and says “thanks, that means a lot”

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!”

The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”

The wife replies: “Bullsht! He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months!”

In the ad, she says she’s looking for a man who won’t beat her, won’t walk out on her, and can please her in bed.

A few days later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and is surprised to find a man on her doorstep with no arms or legs. “I’m here about the personal ad,” the man says casually.

Out of curiosity more than anything else, she asks the man “Do you think you would be a good match for me?”

“Absolutely,” he replies. “As you can see, I have no arms, so there’s no way I could beat you, and I have no legs, so I can never walk out on you.”

“And how do intend to please me in bed?” the woman asks sceptically.

“How do you think I rang the doorbell?”

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver “What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The taxi driver responds: “Oh, it’s not the fact that you’re naked that bothers me.”

“Then why are you looking at me that way?”

“Well, ma’am, I’m looking at you and thinking, ‘where the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?'”

She said I’m on my menstrual cycle, I said that’s okay I’ll follow you on my Honda

The ad reads: “Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.”

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, “Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away.”

“What makes you think you’re great in bed?” the woman retorts.

Dave replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

… And the ice cream man stops and says, “What can I get for you, Ma’am?” She says “Nothing, just wanted to tell you I’m vegan.”

They both decide to grow tomatoes and a few months later they meet up and talk about how they’re getting on.

The man says his are big and red, but the woman says hers are still green and asks the man his secret.

‘Everyday I go in the greenhouse naked. The tomatoes are so embarrassed they blush’.

The woman thinks this is a good idea and decides to give it a go.

They meet again the following month and the man asks about her tomatoes.

‘Still green,’ she replies, ‘but you should see my cucumbers!’

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, “Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time.” Flattered, the man responds, “Sure… but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?”

“Well,” the woman says, “A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. ”

The man can’t believe it. “I saw them play Cleveland in ’99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others’ houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!” Naturally, they’re both shocked.

“If that isn’t weird enough,” says the woman, “I noticed you’re reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He’s my favourite author”

Now the man is really taken aback, “Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain.”

They both can’t believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.

“Ok,” the woman says, “well, buckle up because here’s the icing on the cake. I noticed you’re eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we’d go up and harvest the plums with him. He’d dry them and by the time we’d go back to his place for Thanksgiving he’d always have those prunes saved just for us. They’re my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you’re eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?”

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

*”It’s a date.”*

The woman quickly says

“Hurry, out the window, it’s my husband.”

Frightened, the man grabs his jocks and starts trying to get them on whilst climbing out the window.

Suddenly, he turns around and states

“Hang on, I’m your husband. Why would you do that to me?”

To which she responds

“Why did you try to run?”

The general stood tall and said “1956 ma’am.” The woman, taken back by this answer said “1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better…” and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said “well, you sure haven’t forgotten any thing since 1956…”. The general looked at her confused and said “well I sure hope not. It’s only 2130 now!”

The woman said “Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue.” The lover did that.

The husband walked into the room.

“Honey, what’s this statue doing here?” He asked.

“I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well.” She replied.

The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.

“Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!”

Husband: “But I told you that you were the most valuable thing in my life.”

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what’s happening and says, “Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go.”

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, “Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that.”

The man replies, “I do, and she will be home any minute!”

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, “what is going on here?”

The strange man replies, “everyone here is doing their best to better their souls.” Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man’s traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate.

The Buddhist Monk replies, “my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma.”

A woman one day takes a hike around the forest by her house, to take some time off from people.

She stumbles upon a teapot, grabs it, and (obviously) rubs it. A Genie appears:

“Hello lady, you’ve released me from my trap. Now I shall grant you 3 wishes, but theres a catch. Whatever I give you, your husband will get 3 times larger.”

The woman looks at the genie and says :

“I want 1 billion dollars”

The genie respons “as you wish, but your husband will get 3 billion”

The woman continues

“I want a beautiful castle”

The genie says “as you wish, but your husband will get 3 beautiful castles, and they will be larger than yours”

The woman then stops and thinks for a moment before claiming her third and final wish and says

“Now, give me one tiny tiny tiny little heart attack”

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? ‘What’s that? I asked. ‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, ‘No, I haven’t.’ We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s your lucky night’. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mom…you still awake?’

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. “Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time.” “True that!” agrees his friend, “we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He does none of that, he just sits there entire evening, licking his eyebrows.”

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

“Don’t do it!” he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. The woman told him.

“Okay, here’s the thing,” he said. “I’m a crew member on a ship that leaves for Europe tomorrow morning. How about you come with me on the ship. I’ll bring you food and drink.” He slid his arm around her. “I keep you happy, you keep me happy.”

She agreed. After all, there wasn’t much else to do. She didn’t have family. The man was quite handsome as well. No harm in trying.

The next morning, he hid her in one of the lifeboats on the ship with a pillow and a blanket. Every night, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made love until dawn.

One day, about a week after the affair started, the captain was doing his rounds and found her inside one of the lifeboats. “What the hell are you doing here?” She explained what was going on.

“I get food and a trip to Europe, and he gets to screw me.”

“He sure does, sweetheart. This is the Sydney Harbor Ferry.”

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She

also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says “if you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusal tattoos on your thighs?” She says “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

“Do you have any kids?” she asked. “Yes,” I replied. “I have one child that’s just under two.” She said, “I might be blonde, but I know how many one is.”

I made sure to fill her in

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, “Thank God! They’re finally together!”

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs.”

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens…….

“That’s so clever,” the woman gasps. “How did you do it?”

“Easy,” replies the soldier. “These are my khakis”.

He orders a beer and notices the TV above the bar showing the 5 O’clock news

The news is covering someone standing on the edge of a bridge with the police trying to talk him down from jumping

The man at the bar looks to the woman next to him and says “I bet you $10 he jumps”

The woman looks at the man and says “I’ll take that bet”

A few minutes go by and the man ends up jumping off the bridge

So the woman says “well you were right” and slides $10 to the man at the bar

he slides the money back and tells her “I can’t in good conscience take the money, they showed this on the 4 O’clock news earlier I knew he was gonna jump”

The woman leaves the money on the bar and replies “well I saw the 4 O’clock news too, but I didn’t think he would jump twice”

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn’t. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more & again was unable to take the step. After becoming quite frustrated & embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more legroom to get on the first step of the bus. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist & placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic & turned to the would-be Samaritan & yelled

” How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are”.

The Texan smiled & drawled

” Well ma’am, normally I’d agree with you but after you unzipped my fly 3 times I kinda figured we were friends”.

… Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:

“Okay guys, let’s be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let’s do it. We’ll take turns, one day it’s you”, she says to the first guy, “and the other day it’s the other”.

And so they have a whale of time taking turns, enjoying their business together for one whole month. However, unfortunately, the woman dies after that month, because of a rotten banana or whatever. The two men mourn the loss of their playmate and partner for the following week. Then, one man goes to the other and says:

“Okay man, let’s be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let’s do it. We’ll take turns, one day it’s you, and the other day it’s me.”

And so they have a good time taking turns, enjoying their business together for one whole month. The first man then goes to the other and says:

“Okay man, I need to talk to you.

– Yeah, me too actually.

– We had a fun month, but I think we should stop.

– Yeah, I felt this way too. I feel what we’re doing is not natural.

– That’s right. Let’s stop.”

So they nod their head in common understanding. The second man then says:

“Well then, shall we bury her?”

A woman was taking a shower when she heard a knock on the door. She called out, “who is it? I can’t come to the door right now, I just stepped out of the shower” The man at the door answered “Don’t worry lady, I’m a blind salesman”…so the woman says “ok you can come in”. He gets inside and asks: “where would you like the blinds?

The woman could not speak Spanish so whenever she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would raise her skirt a little and show her thighs which the seller understood.

One day, she wanted to buy bananas so she brought her husband with him.

As her husband could speak Spanish.

…and asks for a short-term $10,000 loan. Banker asks her for collateral, and she hands him the keys to her Mercedes. She says she’s going on a vacation, and will return the following week to repay the debt and retrieve her car.

Week later, she picks up the vehicle and pays back the loan, plus $50 interest.

Banker says, “Thanks for doing business with us. But, while you were away, we did a bit of research and discovered you are an extremely wealthy woman. Why did you need a loan?”

She replied, “Where else can I park my vehicle for $50 for a week in NYC?”

Because then the man is left with only $0.22…

EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”

The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”

The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?”

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.

When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?”

The woman replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

I yelled “COW!” at a woman on a bike, she flipped me off and then ran straight into the cow.

I tried!

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

“What are you doing?!” she asked.

“I’m waiting for Mike to come home from work,” the daughter-in- law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,” she explained.” It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me”.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” she whispered sensually.

“Needs ironing”…

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. “You have so much to live for,” he said. “I’m a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you’re alive”

With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold.

From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.

“I have an arrangement with a sailor,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.”

“I see,” The captain says.

Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

“He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet

shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed,

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied

the vet..

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or

something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later

with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat

back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and

produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,

the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

One of them is a doctor, and the other is a deaf guy.

Every day, the doctor gives the woman a rose.

And every day, the deaf guy gives her an apple.

One day, the woman says to the the deaf guy: “Hey, that doctor gives me a rose every day, and I get the symbolism of that. But why do you give me an apple a day?”

To which the deaf guy responds: “WHAT?”

…in the end, you ignore it all and click “I agree”.

She says,

“Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?”

The Russian replies,

“I work for KGB.”

“Cool, tell me an interesting story!”

“About me or about you?”

The kids start goofing around while she’s talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, “Eddy! Stop that! Or else!” All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, **”Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?”**

“Yup,” says the woman. “Makes it easier than trying to remember who’s who every damn time.”

“But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?” the waitress asks.

**”Well, then I just call them by their last names.”**

Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

A bloke on the other side of the road asked, “Where are you going?”

The naked man replied, “To a fancy dress party.”

“What as?” asked the bemused gentleman.

“A tortoise”, said the naked man.

“Well, who is the woman on your back?” said the intrigued gentleman.

“Oh, that’s Michelle.”

EDIT – I changed the first “gentleman” to “bloke.” I hope it makes more sense that way.

Land Hoe!

On a related note, I suck at darts

When I introduced myself as Frank she said “I wouldn’t have pegged you as a Frank.”

So I asked “What if my name was Joe?”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t know what to do.

And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, “your honor, wait!”

The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.

“She also stole a can of peas!”

Miss Singh

To which I replied: “your self-confidence”

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming,” Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!”

The doctor replies, “Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital.”

She says,”My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?”

“I am sorry ma’am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them.”

“What??”, she says. “What did he name my daughter?”

“He named her ‘Denise’ ” says the doctor.

“Oh, well that’s not so bad. What did he name my son?”

To which the doctor replies, “He named him ‘Denephew’ ”

That brings the total number of women I’ve made wet this year to -1

I don’t know how to do it…

A widow

By the ears…

“Houston, we have a problem.”

What?

“Never mind”

What’s the problem?

“Nothing”

Please tell us?

“You know what the problem is.”

Depends.

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still, a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all-conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:

Between 1 and 100, a man is like Iran and Russia: Ruled by a pair of nuts.

Before the big night, his father tells him: “Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.

Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation

And finally I want you to take of your clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”

After the big night the father asks his son: “So how was it ?”

Son: “Well, I carried her in my arms to show her that the US is a strong nation”

Father: “Good!”

Son: “Then I threw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation”

Father: “Yeah!”

Son: “And then I took off my clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation”

Father: “Very Good! And then what did you do ?”

Son: “I jacked off in front of her”

Father: “What ? Why would you do that for ?”

Son: “To show her that the US is a free and independent nation!”

If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

Two men and a blonde woman are in death row. They’ve had their last meals and prepare for what’s coming up. The warden calls one of the men and asks: “How would you like to go? Firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?”

The man thinks hard, and finally decides on the electric chair. After he has sat down on the chair and has been tied, “Any last words?” the warden asks. The man stays silent. “Very well, on with it” says the warden, and one of the guards pulls the switch.

The man is awaiting his death, but to his surprise, nothing happens. He tries his luck and to the warden he says “Look, nothing’s happening. This must be a divine intervention.”. The warden, being a religious person, doesn’t want to get in the way of God, so he agrees. “You may be correct” he says, and then tells the guards to escort him back to his chamber.

While on the way to his chamber, he sees the other man lined up for death, and he quickly goes up to him and whispers “The chair isn’t working, trust me.”. The other man thinks to himself, what do I have to lose if it does work? So once again, the warden asks the man: “How would you like to go? Firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?”

The man immediately replies with “I’ll take the chair”, and the warden nods. The guards sit him down and tie him up. “Any last words?” the warden asks, and the man stays silent. “Very well, off you go.” the warden says and one of the guards pull the switch. To the warden’s surprise and the man’s favour, nothing happens. “Wow” the man says, “must be God intervening!”. The warden gets suspicious, but again, not wanting to take his chance with God, tells the prisoners to escort him back to his cell.

On his way to his cell, he sees the blonde woman on her way to the execution chambers, and thinks “The other man did me a favour, I should pass it forward.”. He goes up to the blonde and whispers “The electric chair is broken, trust me”. The woman nods her head and goes on her way.

The warden once again asks, “So how would you like to go? Firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?”.

The blonde responds “Well apparently the chair is broken, so I’ll take the firing squad”

went to the doctor’s to complain

about the male hormone she was having to take.

“Oh doctor, I’m growing hair in all sorts of places.”

“Don’t worry, that’s not unusual in a case like this. Where in

particular is the hair?”

“On my balls,” she replied

My mother helped me find her!

The woman. They always lie about their weight.

When she woke up, the doctor told her, “congratulations, you gave birth to healthy twins: a girl and a boy. Your ex-boyfriend visited and named them for you”

The woman replies, “no not him! What did he name the boy?”

Doctor: Mason

Woman: Oh that’s actually not a bad name. How about the girl?

Doctor: Madaughter

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant. “Nothing,” the woman answered “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”

Snowballs.

Here’s a guide for any Americans guys visiting Ireland.

The best way to chat up an attractive looking woman in Ireland is to ask her: “So, what part of Poland are you from?”.

Im not sure i can afford a pay cut at work though

Of course, if he’s a billionaire.

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit

That way it will never come for me.

Pockets!

Getting her husband’s voice just right

She wasn’t caught, cause no one from the bank remembers her face.

She didn’t have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named ‘One’, second was named ‘Two’ and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole life and even had a few kids of her own.

One day when the kids were out playing in the park they found an abandoned puppy. They decided to take it with them. Knowing their mother would not approve of it, they named it ‘This’ so that they can talk about it in front of their mom, without her knowing. They would say ‘Let’s take This outside’ and things like that.

One day while the kids weren’t paying attention, This ran out of the house and gets hit by a car. This eventually dies but the kids don’t tell anyone. No one knew or remembered This.

Only Ninety’s kids will remember This.

they’d eventually find me attractive.

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

“I would like to buy some cyanide,”

The pharmacist asked her:

“why in the world do you need cyanide?”

She said:

“I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got really big and he exclaimed:

“Lord Have Mercy I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law. I’ll lose my license,they will throw us both in jail. All kinds of bad stuff will happen. Absolutely not. you CANNOT HAVE ANY CYANIDE.”

The lady then pulls a picture out of her purse showing him her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist examines the picture for a couple minutes, sighs and hands it back saying:

“Well now thats different

———

You didn’t tell me you had a prescription”

She sells C cells by the seesaw.

One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

An ugly one will too, but you just won’t care as much.

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety.

Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog “This” so the name could be used in conversation.

One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.

Only Ninety’s kids will remember This.

Her mother was Tunisian, and her father was Canadian. Her grandparents were Albanian and her brother was Danish.

I broke up with her though, too many red flags.

I’m not sure what we saw in each other

Our kids were nothing to look at either

Now they’ll have to pay him 20% more…