Wasp Jokes

The shopkeeper said “We don’t sell wasps”

I said “But you’ve got one in the window”

“I’d like a wasp, please.”

“We don’t sell wasps”, answers the baker.

“Well, there’s one in the window.”

A guy walks into his local pub and finds the bartender out cleaning off the dining area on the patio and spraying for bugs. “Flying insect spray, huh?” the guy asks as he picks up the can and examines the label. “Is this stuff good for wasps?” “No,” the bartender replies. “It kills them.”

A Wannabee

I was staying at my grandmother’s house, and there were wasps in my guest room. Went to the kitchen and informed her. “Are there a lot of them?” She asked.

“There’s so many wasps that they’re starting a country club!”

A man was walking down a quiet street, when something caught his eye in the window of a charity shop. He wandered over to take a closer look, then smiled to himself, nodded, and entered the shop.

He walked up to the counter and said to the man serving there, “Is that record in the window really a copy of Wasp Noises of the World?”

“It most certainly is,” said the shopkeeper.

“Excellent,” said the man from the street. “I have searched for that record for a great many years. You see, I am the world’s leading expert on wasps. I have written books on their habits, diets, stripe patterns and social structures, but what truly fascinates me is the noises they make. That record in the window is famous in the world of wasp study as the most accurate documentation of wasp noises in the world, and I haven’t managed to acquire a copy until now.”

“Well, this is your lucky day,” the shopkeeper said. “I’ll have it out of the window and bagged up for you right away.”

“Hold on now,” said the world expert on wasps. “It’s a very old record, it may have distorted or been damaged, in which case it would be no use to me. I see you have a gramophone back there. Would you mind playing me a sample so I can be sure it’s in good working order?”

The shopkeeper, grumbling to himself about how picky this customer was, set up the gramophone, retrieved Wasp Noises of the World from the window display, and placed the needle on the record, which began to play.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZzzzZzZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZ

The world expert on wasps lifted the needle off the record with a confused look on his face. “Now, this is most unusual,” he said. “I am the world’s foremost expert on wasps, and yet this wasp noise is entirely unfamiliar to me. Can you play me another, in case this part of the record is damaged?”

The shopkeeper moved the needle on a bit, and placed it back on the record.

ZzZzZzZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzZ

The world expert on wasps lifted thee needle again, looking extremely perplexed. “Something very strange is going on here,” he muttered. “I am the world expert on wasps. No-one alive knows more about wasps than I do. And yet, once again, I do not recognize this wasp noise at all. Can you play me one more, to be certain?”

Again, thee shopkeeper mover the needle on, and again, the record played.

zzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzZzZzzZZzzZZZZzz

The world expert on wasps snatched the needle off the record, with a look of borderline panic on his face. “Something is definitely wrong with this record!” he exclaimed. “I am the greatest expert on wasps alive, nay, that has ever lived. No part of the life of the wasp is unknown to me. And yet, three times, this copy of Wasp Noises of the World has produced a wasp noise entirely alien to me. It cannot be that there are species of wasp whose noises have been recorded that I am not aware of. I would have been informed, consulted by the discoverers. Surely this record must be damaged. Would you inspect it for any signs?”

The shopkeeper, feeling distinctly put out by now, lifted up the record and examined it closely, at which point a knowing smile spread across his face.

“What is it?” asked the world expert on wasps. “Is the record damaged?”

“No,” said the shopkeeper. “Nothing like that.”

“Then what can possibly be going on?” asked the world expert on wasps. “I am acquainted with the noises of every species of wasp on the planet, and yet I don’t recognize any of the ones you have played to me.”

“Well,” said the shopkeeper, “That’s probably because it was playing the bee side.”

The store keeper says “sir. We are a piano shop. We don’t sell wasps”. The guys says. Then why have you got some in the window?

He goes up to the counter and says “i’ll take one wasp please”. The guy looks at him funny and says “We don’t sell wasps sir” and the fella replies “Thats funny, you have one in the window”

Collegue told me at work the other day, made me chuckle

He goes to the owner and asks if they have the new edition of wasp sounds 2019.

The record shop owner says that they have it in stock and asks if the wasp expert would like to listen too it before he buys.

The wasp expert agrees and the record is placed on the record player.

The pin goes down and all of a sudden a horrible buzzing noise emits from the machine.

The wasp expert is horrified stating that in all his years of being a wasp expert, he has never heard anything as far from wasp sounds in his life.

The record shop owner looks confused until he notices something.

“Sorry” says the record shop owner,

“I was playing it on the bee side!”

One of them sees the other, and notices that they’re wearing a yarmulke.

The bee asks, “Why are you wearing of of those?”

“This? I just don’t want anyone thinking I’m a wasp.”

looking for something to rid of a wasp problem. After 10 mins of walking around the store all he can find is ant spray. So he goes up to the counter and asks the clerk, “Is this any good for wasps?” Without a word, the clerk takes the can from his hands, reads the back for ingredients. “No.“ he replied, “That’ll kill them.”

I went to the hardware store today to get some mortein, when I got to the checkout I asked the lady “is this stuff any good for wasps?” She replied “nah it’s kills them”.

…we don’t want them thinking you’re a wasp!”

The shopkeeper said “We don’t sell wasps” and I said “But you’ve got one in the window”.

~~~~

So instead I bought a dozen bees. As I was paying for them I said “Here, I bought twelve bees but there’s 13 in this jar” and he said “Yes, one of them’s a freebee”.

In the window he sees a record called “wasps of the world, and the sounds they make”. Intrigued, he walks into the store.

He says to the shopkeeper “I’ll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I’m the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, and I can identify any one of them just by listening to the sound it makes!”

He smiles smugly as the shopkeeper fanes interest.

The wasp expert pays and leaves. When he gets home he puts the record on.

“Bbzzzzzzzzz” it goes, but the man is stumped, he doesn’t know what type of wasp this is!

He waits for the next track.

“Bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzz” and again, he can’t identify which

species of wasp this is!

It gets to the fifth track and he breaks down in tears. He can’t identify a single wasp yet he thought he was the world’s leading expert!

He calls his old professor round to the house to help, when he arrives he explains to him,

“I thought I was the best in the wasp business, but I can’t identify a single wasp on this whole record!”

He says, still in tears.

The old professor ponders for a minute as he looks at the record.

“Ah, I know what the problem is”

Says the professor.

“What? what is it?!”

-“you’ve got it on the B-side”

Wasp

Thanks for that, prick.

“Is this good for wasps?” he asks the assistant.

To which she replies “No, it kills them.”

He goes to the hardware store and finds a can of spray that says it’s for hornets, so he finds an employee just to check if it’ll work on wasps.

“Excuse me, is this spray good for wasps?”

“No sir, it kills them.”

…when a lady came up to me and complained of getting stung by a wasp between the first and second holes.

I told her she needed to close her stance a bit.

A car salesman is showing some fine cars for sale, and the buyer is looking at them.

“Well, this one is a fine 1951 Hudson Hornet,” says the car salesman.

The buyer gasps, “A Hudson HORNET? Well, I wouldn’t want to see a Hudson Wasp!”

The salesman brushes it off and shows him the next car, “this is a Porsche Spyder.”

Again, the buyer is aghast, “what is with car companies naming them after insects?! What’s next, a Volkswagen Beetle?!”

The bartender says, “Your kind isn’t welcome here, Catholics only.”

Anyway I was out for the day and it started to rain. So I wandered into a junk shop, I was looking through the records, the LPs were of no interest so I looked in the singles. Johnny Mathis, Val Doonican, Wasp sounds fro…wait! What’s this? “Wasp Sounds From Around The World!” I want this! It’s only 50cents! So asked the guy in the shop to play it, just so I know it’s OK. “Yes, of course!”. Then it started to play…Bzzzz…Bzzwzzz…Wzzzzz…” etc. Anyway it finished. I said to the guy “I’m a world authority on wasp sounds but there’s not a single wasp on there. “Oh! That’s odd!” he said. Then “Aha! I know why! I played the bee side!”

But at least they wear high visibility jackets to prevent accidents.

She makes a good putt to save par on the first green. As she walks along the long grass going to the second tee, she startles a wasp, and it stings her. Annoyed, but not wanting the event to ruin her day, she finishes her round.

When she gets to the clubhouse, she runs into the club pro.r>

“Hey Alice, good round today?”

“The round was good,” she replies, “but I did get stung by a wasp.”

“That’s too bad. Where did you get stung?” He asks.

“Between the first and second holes.”

“Well, first off Alice, your stance is way too wide.”

I got a bee.

The bumblebee says “Hey, little bro, how’s it going?” and the honeybee says “Oh, so, so bad. It’s been a horrible summer, hardly any flowers, and there’s next to nothing in the hive.”

“I can give you a hot tip,” says the bumblebee. “Go half a block south, then fly over the house to tbe back yard. There’s a bar mitzvah going on and there’s more floral displays than you’ve ever seen, and they’ve even got bowls of sugar and glasses of fruit juice – you should make out like a boss!”

“Gosh, thanks!” says the honeybee, and flies off. Hours later, the two bump into each other again. “Thanks for the great tip,” says the honeybee, “that’s just about saved the hive.”

“Good,” says the bumblebee, “but… what’s that on your head?”

“That’s a yarmulke,” says the honeybee, “I didn’t want them thinking I’m a wasp”.

I ran over and asked where she got stung. She said “Right between the first and second hole.” I said, “First of all I think your stance is a little wide.”

Steal all the crème de menthe from his country club.

She pleaded, “Don’t do that! You’ll make him Sting!”

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, “The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren’t any flowers, blooming so I can’t make any honey!”

“No problem,” said the first bee, “Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit!”

“Thanks for the tip,” said the second bee, and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, “How did it go?”

“Great!” said the second bee. “It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table.” “

Uh, what’s that thing on your head?” asked the first bee.

“That’s my yarmulke,” said the second bee .

“I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”

Jokes as in “why did the chicken cross the road” not as in “live wasps”.

He passes a record store that’s advertising a sale. The sign says “45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make.” Naturally, he’s intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, “excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make, and I’d love to hear this record!” So the record man slaps the record on and they listen. After a few minutes, the expert says, “Sir, I’m the world leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, and these are not wasps.” The record man looks puzzled and says, “you sure?” So they listen some more. Again the expert says “Sir, I’m telling you that I’m the world’s leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, and these are not wasps.” The record man says, “I don’t know, they sound like wasps to me.” So they listen some more. Finally, the expert runs out of patience and says “Sir, I’m the world’s foremost expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, and the sounds on this record ARE NOT WASPS!” The record man looks down, facepalms and says,

“My fault, I was playing the b side”………

Turns out it was a cagey bee.

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. “Certainly,” says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world’s foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

“I don’t recognise any of these noises, and I’m the world’s foremost authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?”

The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track after a while, the world’s foremost authority on wasps is still confused “No, I still don’t recognise any of these wasps. Can you try the next track?” The assistant skips the needle on, and the world’s foremost authority on wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head. “It’s no good. I just don’t recognise any of these wasps”

The assistant peers at the label of the record and says…

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side”

A bee flat.

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. “I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I’d very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window.”

“Certainly, Sir,” says the young man behind the counter. “If you’d like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I’ll put the LP on for you.”

Brian, the world’s leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, “I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those.”

“I’m sorry Sir,” says the young assistant. “If you’d care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes.”

Brian, the world’s leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. “I don’t understand it,” he says, “I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can’t recognise any of those!”

“I really am terribly sorry,” says the young assistant, “I’ve just realised I was playing you the bee side!”

I told the that that’s a feature of “Uncle Premium” and their attitudes only get them the basic subscription!

…when I got home I put it on to listen to it – it was all wrong – the buzzing noises was nothing like wasp sounds.

Then I realised – I was playing the Bee side!

Because they’re stingy.

Me: No it kills them.

And that is how I got my first complaint of the day.

Because he didn’t want to be mistaken for a WASP

But in the end, he went with plan Bee.

Somebody has to pay retail.

I bought an LP of wasp noises. When I played it the first track didn’t sound like a wasp, nor did the second track. It was then I realised I was listening to the B side.

Because he was a cagey bee agent.

I felt uneasy, but I went and answered it anyway. When I opened the door, I looked around, and then spotted a shellfish on my welcome mat.

“Let me in”, it cried, “I’m being chased by a bunch of wasps.”

That was when I realized why I felt so uneasy.

This was the clam before the swarm.

Would they call in the SWAT team?

Was drawn up by a man who was being chased by a wasp.

Wasps. They have 5 black belts.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.”

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

“This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!”

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

“What seems to be the problem, sir?”

“This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

“I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”

The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.

The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.

Then the emperor asked Moishe to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Moishe opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Moishe’s sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.

The emperor was very disappointed and asked Moishe, “After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?”

Moishe replied, “A circumcision is not intended to kill.”

For me

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton die and go to hell.

They are lined up in front of three doors. The first is opened to reveal a swarm of wasps and mosquitoes. Satan’s voice booms “Mr. Obama you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these vile creations!” And with that, Obama is thrown into the room and the door slams shut.

Clinton and Trump are now terrified. The second door opens, and it reveals a room filled with angry rabid dogs and badgers. Satan’s voice booms again “Mr. Clinton you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these ghastly beasts!” And with that, Clinton is thrown into the room and the door slams shut.

Trump is now wetting himself. The final door opens, but instead of there being anything horrific, Trump sees the most drop-dead gorgeous young woman he has ever laid eyes on, with perfect skin, a stunning face, and thick flowing hair. Satan’s voice booms one final time “Mrs. Samson you have sinned…”

Jim was suspicious that his wife had been cheating on him. He took off from work early to see if he could catch her in the act. Driving up to his apartment Jim caught a glimpse through an open window of a strange man walking around in his dining room. Now convinced his wife has been unfaithful, Jim stormed into the building and raced up the stairs. Fumbling with his keys at first, Jim burst through the door to find his wife standing in the hallway covered in only a towel. Jim screams “WHERE IS HE?!” tearing through his home. “I SAW HIM! I KNOW HE IS HERE!” His wife now in tears terrified by her husband’s raged whimpered in reply “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Just then, Jim saw the tips of someones fingers barely grasping the edge of his kitchen sill. In a fit of rage he ripped the refrigerator from the wall and threw it down at the man clinging for dear life. Just as the fridge had left his hands Jim noticed his belt had gotten caught onto the handle. It was too late. The falling fridge dislodged the man clinging to the ledge and yank Jim through the window right behind it.

Moments later Jim found himself standing in front of the gates of Heaven with two men by his side. St. Peter appeared and asked Jim how he had died. Jim told the story of how he came home early and found his wife with another man. In a fit of rage he threw his fridge at the man hiding outside his window, but his belt had gotten caught and he too fell to his death.

St. Peter gave a disapproving look, but ushered him through the gates nonetheless.

St. Peter turned to the next man and asked the same question. The man replied “I was perched on my windowsill trying to remove a nasty wasp nest. I unexpectedly lost my footing and began to fall. Miraculously, I was able to grab onto the sill of the floor below. Then out of nowhere, some maniac threw a refrigerator out his window right at me! There was nothing I could do.”

St. Peter replied “Most unfortunate indeed” and ushered him through the gates.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the last man, “And how did you die?”

The man answered “So get this, I was hiding in a refrigerator…”

June bugs.

What do June bugs bring? Small grub-eating mammals, wasps, and endoparasitoid pyrgotidae flies.