Wall Jokes

Never mind, you won’t get it.

But it doesn’t hold up over time.

Dam

I’ll meet you at the corner

Suddenly, a faint moaning is heard from the casket. The casket is opened, and it is found that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

A guy was walking next to a prison and he could hear the inmates shouting repeadetly “SEVEN, SEVEN, SEVEN, SEVEN”. The curiosity got the better out of him and he decided to take a peek through a small hole he saw in the wall. The man screamed in agony as he got poked in the eye from the other side and the inmates started shouting “EIGHT, EIGHT, EIGHT, EIGHT”.

Just a little dumb funny thing my boss told me one day. When I first started construction I had to move 300 sheets of dry wall. After about 50 I asked him

“What’s the best way to move all this dry wall?”

He said “hire someone else to do it for way less then what it’s worth.”

I said “well why don’t we do that”

He said “I already did… Get back to work!”

It’s way less funny when I type it out TBH but I’ma post it anyways but picture u being there makes it funnier.

It’s been years since he managed to erect anything

He’s just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project

… we all just got to see Trump Cave.

Everyone at the vet’s office stared at me.

People from both sides went to the collapsed wall to see what happened. Apparently nobody knows what happened and both sides claim that it’s not their fault hence they don’t want to repair it. One guy said “Alright then we have to let the court decide who is gonna rebuild the wall” and everybody agreed.

2 days later people from hell were surprised to see that people from heaven had already started to rebuild the wall. They went there and asked them “Why did you guys start to rebuild the wall? We all agreed to let the court decide, what happened?” People from heaven looked at them furiously and said “We couldn’t find any lawyer.”

Because nobody can get over them.

Instead of steel and concrete, they went with fire

They’ll get over it.

To see what’s on the other side!

It will make fleeing to Mexico more difficult when he ruins our country.

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

People will eventually get over it.

The lawnmower.

Doors

He said, “ Eh. I’ll get over it.”

On the condition he gets to install windows.

The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?” The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”

“You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

“Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”

He says: “So, my dear Vladimir Vladimirovich, what will happen if we lose the war?”

“That’s simple,” says the painting, “they’ll take me off and will hang you!”

(edit – typo)

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he’s in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.

The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don’t have any Mexicans.

During his stay, he sees a young man sleeping everyday and doing nothing outside his house. So he decides to persuade him to change his life and goes on to talk to him.

Trader: Hello young man, looks like you have nothing to do. I suggest you come with me to New York.

Man: What happens then?

Trader: I’ll make you a stock trader and you’ll earn lots of money.

Man: What happens then?

Trader: With that new wealth, you can buy new house, new car, a yatch or anything you want.

Man: What happens then?

Trader: You don’t have to worry about your future and have a relaxing life.

Man: What does it look like I am doing right now?

Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.

They banged and shouted “Can we have a little respect please?”

I shouted back “I’m not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this ones for you”

Trumpty Dumpty promised a wall

Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the golf courses and all the white men

Couldn’t Make America Great Again

I’m sure they’ll soon get over it

$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says,

“You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!”

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven’t been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

“How is that possible?” said the officer. “That wall was solid concrete!”

The warden quietly inspected the cell. After a few minutes, he exited and said, “He seems to have built a pick out of the eating utensils we gave him and used it to make the hole.”

The warden and officer continued to the next cell that contained the physicist. However, he too was gone and once again there was a hole in the wall. And of course, the warden inspected the cell and returned after a few minutes.

The warden declared, “According to the papers on his bed, he very carefully calculated the weakest point on the wall and repeatedly hit it with a rock until it broke open.”

Finally, they arrived at the last cell that contained the mathematician. Unfortunately, he lay dead on the cell floor from starvation. The officer sighed. “After the other two, I would have expected he would have also escaped. He also has some papers on his bed.” The warden entered the cell and picked up the papers. Then he shook his head and chuckled.

“It appears,” the warden said, “that he spent several days writing a very detailed proof that it was possible to break the wall.

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

An outlet.

He noticed there is an animal’s head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it

“A moose” replied the bartender

“Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?” Said the scot

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a wall!”

because people are dying to get in

A wall.

(I know it wasn’t funny, but it popped into my mind, and I thought it was decent enough)

“For goodness sake, keep it down!”

Person who wrote this is brilliant and person who read this is a idiot.

Dave (you know Dave, everybody knows Dave) who used to walk by this sign everyday got angrier and angrier whenever he read this sign.

So one day Dave got an amazing idea, so that night he went to that wall. He cleared up the graffiti and wrote.

*Person who wrote this is an idiot & Person who read this is brilliant*

‘What’s wrong with him?’ says the chemist.

His assistant replies, ‘He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn’t find any, so I gave him laxatives’

‘Idiot!’ says the chemist. ‘You can’t treat a cough with laxatives’

‘Of course you can’ the assistant replies. ‘ Look at him, he’s too afraid to cough’

Policemen are looking into it now.

The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled “avalanche”! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he was brought forward for his execution, he yelled “earthquake”! Again, the firing squad panicked and the second man took advantage of it to jump over the wall and into freedom.

The third man thought he saw the pattern: yell a disaster and jump over the wall. When he was finally brought forward, with a smirk on his face he yelled “fire”!

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams “Tornado!” Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams “Tsunami,” fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a similar strategy and, on her turn, yells “FIRE!”

After a little bit, The Californian finishes his martini, turns and throws his glass against the wall.

The Bartender, shocked, asks him why the hell he did that.

Californian replies that where he’s from, they make so much money they don’t have to drink out of the same glass twice.

The Texan then finishes his whiskey, turns, and throws his glass against the wall as well.

Bartender looks at him and asks why he did that.

Texan replies that where he’s from they have so much oil they don’t have to drink out of the same glass twice.

About this time the local Montanan finishes his beer, turns to the other patrons, draws his gun and shoots them both dead.

Without waiting he tells the Bartender that around here there’s so many Californians and Texans he doesn’t have to drink with the same ones twice.

So I got drunk and slept with its friend.

“This isn’t a game. Stop!”

Blunt force *drama*.

it’s about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people

I guess we’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: “where did you get that?” He answers: “Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!”

The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: “Where have you been?” Smiling he answers: “You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don’t have to eat for a week!”

Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.

Exited the other two ask:”Man where did you go?!”

“Do you see that tree right there?”

“Yes”

“Well, I didn’t”

While doing a wee, I once saw /

a mole that was quite the oddball /

it didn’t live underground /

but rather, I found /

that it lived in the hole in the wall

So I peered in the home of the mole /

What I saw ’twas a sight to behol’ /

inside was a place /

full of beauty and grace /

So I gave it the name: “Glory Hole”

Said I to the mole, “I’ve not seen /

A home that’s more fit for a queen!” /

she said “that’s a fact, /

but it’s often attacked /

by a monster that’s truly obscene!”

So I asked her, “what do you do? /

when these wicked beasts attack you?” /

she said “on inspection, /

they’ve got no protection! /

so I just take a nibble or two!”

“I’m afraid we have some bad news,” the Mother Superior says. “It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls.”

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.

“We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates.”

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.

r>”And,” Mother Superior continues, “the condom was broken.”

1 nun gasps, 99 nuns giggle.

And I thought to myself, “well that’s a little condescending.”

It was a little condescending

Because someone tied a piano to its leg.

Probably because Mexico has more aliens

standing there like an idiot with my harpoon.

orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin.

When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”

Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man

“I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man

“I work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”

“That’s strange,” he answers

“I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall

“What’s wrong?” the others ask.

“I work for 7 Up!”

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to this address please?’

The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot.’

The lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?’

‘Thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the lady home.

On the way, he said, ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’

The lady looked him over cautiously and said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to protect me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

The lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.’

I am hospitalized now because i broke my nose

A large fortune

Depends on how hard you throw…..

He asked St Peter “what is with all the clocks?”

St Peter responded, “These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.”

The man noticed a clock that wasn’t moving. “Whose clock is that?” He asked.

St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.

“Whose is that?” Abe Lincoln’s. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.

Understanding the system, he asked, “Where’s Donald Trump’s clock?”

St. Peter responded “It’s in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

To see her crack.

He decides he will take a month and observe those who come to pray. After a few days he notices one elderly man who arrives at the same time each day. The old man struggles to kneel before the wall, prays for ten minutes, struggles to stand, and then leaves.

The next day, the journalist approaches the man and helps him kneel. After the old man prays, the journalist asks if he can know what he prayed for. The man replies, “I prayed for my wife’s health. I prayed for the faith of my children. And I prayed that I would be a better husband and father.”

The next day the journalist is waiting for the elderly man at the same spot at the same time. He again helps the man to kneel, and after the man prays he asks what he prayed for. “I prayed for my wife’s health. I prayed for the faith of my children. And I prayed that I would be a better husband and father.”

On the next day, the journalist is so moved that he kneels down to pray with the man. Afterwards, he asks the man again what he prayed for. “I prayed for my wife’s health. I prayed for the faith of my children. And I prayed that I would be a better husband and father.” The journalist is moved by the man’s dedication and faith and asks, “May I ask how God has answered your prayers?” The old man groans and responds, “It’s like talking to a brick wall.”

If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

Ans : No time at all it is already built.

… to keep Dora from exploring.

… and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he’s greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: “Welp, I’ve been wrong all my life and I guess I’m now to pay the price for my lack of faith”

Satan laughs and replies: “Awh it’s not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself”

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there’s a bunch of houses where other “damned” live.

As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, request that’s always granted by the two.

Every time they stop to a house Satan never fails to display how much of a lovely guy he really is by telling amazing stories, singing, cracking jokes and just generally being a great person.

At sunset the devil sees that Jack was very tired and decides to show him the house he’ll be spending the rest of eternity into.

As they walk to Jack’s new house the two pass close to a huge wall and Jack asks: “What’s behind there?”

Satan: “Oh, nothing that should concern you, pay it no mind”

Despite his curiosity Jack thought better not to bother Satan with further questions and just followed him to his new house where Satan promised he’d be back the following morning to show him the recreational center before finally bidding him a goodnight after a long day.

That night however Jack kept thinking back at the whole situation he’s in and how surreal everything was until his thoughts eventually jumped to the wall he saw earlier in the day.

After a few minutes trying to guess what could there be behind that wall that Satan couldn’t even tell him he decided he should investigate, as such he took a deep breath and dived into the night walking back to the place where the wall was.

Once there he searched for some clues until he saw some faint light coming from a spot in the wall; upon closer inspection he saw that there was a hole and the light was coming from behind the wall.

Jack took a deep breath and scrounged up the courage to look into the crack on the wall and what he saw was a spectacle much alike what he always thought hell would be.

On the other side of the wall huge flames were scattered all over a burnt and scalding hot ground and much to his horror he saw other souls inside that nightmare being eternally burned and never consuming, screaming and pleading for help.

Jack rushed back into his place where he just quietly sobbed and cried all night for he was sure now that the Devil was just toying with him to give him a bit of hope right before tossing him into eternal despair.

The following morning Satan showed up once again and told Jack to come with him.

Jack pleaded: “PLEASE! PLEASE! Don’t take me to hell, I’ll do anything just let me stay here, I don’t wanna burn for all eternity!”

Satan: “What are you talking about??? I’m just gonna show you the recreational center like I told you yesterday”

Jack: “Don’t lie to me, I saw what was going on behind the giant wall!”

Satan: “Ooooh you saw that! Don’t worry that’s not for you, that’s the Christian hell”

Jack: “The christian hell? Why would the christian hell be like that?”

Satan: “I don’t know either man, they just want it that way”

EDIT: sorry to those who didn’t like it, love ya all r/jokes and thanks for the gold.

EDIT2: Sort by controversial.

“OK, look, here’s how it’s going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you’re already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents.”

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two wishes. Biden silently nods in agreement. “Very well, what is your first wish?”

“I want to build a wall around Texas. A giant, 20-foot tall wall all the way around Texas so that nothing can get in and nothing can get out.”

Biden starts to snicker under his breath. “It is as you wish,” the genie says. “What is your second wish?”

“I want to move every single God-fearing conservative patriot into Texas, and I want every single leftist, liberal, commie pinko out of Texas. And I mean it, anyone who has ever voted Democrat, I want them out!”

Biden starts laughing. “It is as you wish,” the genie says. “Now, Mr Biden, what is your wish?”

Biden can hardly contain himself. “I want you to dump 20 feet of water on Texas.”

It said: “Welcome To Our OOL. Notice there no ‘P’ in it? Let’s keep it that way.”

I always thought it was a pity that they never had a sign that said “Welcome To Our L …”

Police are looking into it.

Martin Scorsese’s film “The Wolf of Wall Street” broke a record by using the word “F**k” or “F**king” 506 times. That actually beats a record set by me in 2010, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

Src: Dallas News , ca. 1929

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of the many trees and peering over the wall, is shocked to see a fire-filled field with people writhing in agony and screaming hopelessly.

He is very disturbed by this sight and returns home. The next day, the Devil pays him a visit and asks how he is enjoying eternity. The atheist says he finds Hell to be a lovely place but is concerned about the things he saw on the other side of the wall. “Oh” the Devil says, “those are Christian sinners” “But why” the man asks, “are they suffering so much while I, who didn’t believe in God at all, am here in such comfort?” “I don’t know” the Devil replies shrugging,” that’s the way they want it.”

An affishe

I used to spend long hours working on my “rubbing-up-against-strangers-in-public” technique…

…until I got my *new* pair of glasses and re-read that motivational poster on the break-room wall.

So, my bad… it turns out it does *not* say : “Practice Makes Pervert”

Aging husband: Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…..

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend was potty trained when The Wolf Of Wall Street came out.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.

They hired a fine author.

Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared.

It said, “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to the store to buy cleaning supplies. I tried at least five different types, and scrubbed for at least half an hour but the stain was still there. Does anybody have any good methods for getting blood out of the carpet?