Thermometer Jokes

“You may have graduated, but I’ve got hundreds of degrees”

Turns out it was just a temp job.

Innuendo

The taste.

I always use this joke when going to Dr’s, or any medical situation. It never fails to get a great laugh.

Not too big, not to small. It’s fair in height.

Kelvin Klein

It is having varying degrees of success

Try this out:

Stop at your local pharmacy, goto their thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock the doors, draw the blinds, change into your comfy clothes, sit on your favourite chair, and disconnect your phone so you will not be disturbed. Next open the thermometer box and place the thermometer somewhere where it can not be chipped or damaged.

Now the fun part begins 😉

Take out the literature from the box. You will notice in small print it states “Every rectal thermometer produced by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested and sanitized by our quality control team”

Now, close your eyes and repeat to your self five times. “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson and Johnson.”

They’ve both wasted Mercury

“Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog,” the vet said

Upon arriving home a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, “It’s the druggist.. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open register. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no letup, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer and believe me mister, as God is my witness … ALL I DID WAS TELL HER!”

The taste.

Co-worker: is this rectal or oral use?