System Jokes

As Polish airline is flying into New York City, the captain announces over the address system, “for those of you on the right side of the aircraft, you can see the Statue of Liberty out your window.“

Immediately everyone in the seats on the left crowded into the right side, leaning over the other passengers to try to see out the window. Because of the sudden shift in weight, the pilot lost control, and the plane crashed, killing everyone aboard.

The official report said that the accident was due to instability caused by poles in the right half plane.

Because of a server error.

Ps ps ps ps ps

He refused to open windows.

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, “Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?”

Wii U.

The first says, “God is a mechanical engineer. Look at how we manipulate our arms, legs, lungs, and how blood flows through our bodies. God is a mechanical engineer.”

The second says, “No. God is an electrical engineer. Our nervous system, heart, brain. Everything is run by electrical impulses. God is an electrical engineer.”

The third says, “Your both wrong. God is a civil engineer. Who else would route the sewage system through the recreation area?”

The other guy is fine with it.

TacOS

The alarm system kept breaking down so, instead of repairing it I decided to get a guard dog instead.

I went to the pet store and the shopkeeper showed me a lot of breeds to choose from. A Rottweiler, a German Shepherd, A Doberman, but there was this one tiny little pug that caught my eye. I laughed and told the shopkeeper what does this little fella do. The shopkeeper told me that it was the most dangerous of them all. The pug knows karate.

Amused, I told him to explain further. He brought a chair and set the dog free then told the dog “Karate the chair”, and within seconds he turned the chair into dust. Then he got a fridge and said, “Karate the fridge” and again the dog turned it into dust. Being pretty impressed I bought the dog.

I was very happy to show my wife what I had just got. The security problem in our house will be resolved now. “HONEY! I got the new security system!”, I said. She was disappointed to know it was just a dog. She said “WTF! IT’S A FREAKING DOG”. I said, “But honey this dog knows karate!”

My wife, “Karate MY ASS!’

Microissant

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components.” Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: “For the *last* five years, I’ve been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It’s perfect, because the guards just think it’s rats chewing on it.”

So Jim asks, “Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?”

Carl says “Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we’ll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers.”

Jim, disgusted, says “You have *got* to be kidding me!”

And Carl says “I shit. You knot.”

Almost any OS, but they’re afraid of windows…

Ubuntutankhamun

Yo mama is so fat and old that she’s still eating from the last supper.

Edit : Jesus Christ this blew up. Didn’t know so many of you had to release yo mamas from your system.

Follow the liter

FAT and 16.

The Nintendo We

Surprisingly he said “Nine”

One is a Harman Kardon and the other is a karma hard-on.

Dobby Atmos

Unix; it was decided for him.

I, for one, like Roman Numerals.

In one your vote counts, in the other, your count votes.

… Nobody can console him.

It was a lot to digest.

I for one…

I mean it didn’t say it directly, but I could feel between the lines.

Because you can’t open Window’s in space.

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U…

Duct-ape

The Imperial System

Turns out those were just stereotypes.

Because the Poles were on the right hand side

They planet.

Because they can’t open windows

It flies over enemy territory expelling thousands of tonnes of excrement.

I call it the Incontinent Ballistic Missile…

But I’ve never heard of a single British person walking into a pub and ordering a half liter…

With a training.

When grown up people need days to count some paper slips.

Hawaii IS the early warning system.

A subwoofer

Every time it finds a foreign body it tries to eliminate it.

(1) Education.

(2) System.

All I do is say “Hello” at 3am, sitting on the end of their bed.

Democrat politicians bribe their supporters, but Republican supporters bribe their politicians!

By Trial and error.

They’re now the speaker of the house

Except Earth…which is named after all that stuff on the ground.

..instead we say ‘quatre-vingt dix neuf’ which translates as ‘we don’t have a functional numerical system’

They’re working on it 24/7

They have a foot fetish

Sunny-Side up…

I couldn’t resist

They would rather give the robot a confident system.

Don’t judge me until you’ve walked 1609 metres in my shoes.

I can’t wait to metre

There would be mass confusion

Not Andor

I asked the guy why it was so cheap and he told me it was a great deal, but the volume is stuck on max.

I thought “well, I can’t turn that down”.

he didn’t explain why he gave it a one star tho

I declined because I’m not a big fan.

Taiwan and China

Signed, Hong Kong

Guess you could say I know it by heart

… but believe me, we’re slowly inching towards it.

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

Because we’d rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.

It’s mostly broken and if you pay more money you can access things that make you have an advantage over everyone else.

Subpoena the Teenage Witch

I’m an American. When I was a kid, my Dad told me, “The metric system is gonna be big. Support it and use it – the whole nine yards – every inch of the way.”

They’ve left those kids a loan.

EDIT: Woke up to find THIS :O

9 millimeters at a time

Stairy Potter

You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.

If nobody’s home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.

It has a nice ring to it

Unless of course, that paper makes up the pages of a History book.

“IN 400 FEET, DO A SLIGHT RIGHT, STOP, AND LET ME OUT.”

Because they’ll never accept a foreign ruler.

He heard it had no atmosphere!

Quentin Tarantino usually only does feet

A Serj Protector

I’ve disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I’ve got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I’ve never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.

But to make a long story short, it was Napoleon.

They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.

Nowadays you can even find students from various schools in America using 9mm

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels

of quality work and productivity from students, it will be

our policy to keep all students well taught through our

program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are

trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other

schools. If you feel that you do not receive your share of

S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will

immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our

lecturers are especially skilled at seeing you get all the

S.H.I.T. you can handle. Students who don’t know S.H.I.T.

will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION

PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.

S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE

TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T.

before they graduated, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T.

anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you

are full of S.H.I.T., you may be intersted in a job teaching

others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING

LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). For students who are

attending to pursue a career in management and consultancy,

we will refer you to the department of MANAGEMENT OPERATIONAL

RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course

emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T. If you have

further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)

Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

The old system seemed to be biased towards videos of old presidential candidates playing beat and tempo games, so they finally decided to retire the al-gore-rhythm

It’s a new way of thinking of money! I call it crypt-o-currency.

tea liters.

Personally I’ve got a Yamaha surround sound system.

Shooting starts soon.

They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

I am returning my one, The Streets have no name.

And I still haven’t found what I am looking for.