Snow Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Damn, I hate it when it snows,” he complains to the bartender. “It makes my neighbor’s yard look as good as mine.”

John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.

-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What’s yours?

John laughs and continues with his drink.

-Why is this funny?

John responds,

-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring…

frost bite

Snow problem

Snowballs.

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the main. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?

“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

The ‘inedible snowman’.

They’re having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.

The woman looks at her husband and says, “Look, dear, it’s raining.”

Her husband tells her, “No, dear, it’s snowing.” Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minutes until they see the local Communist officer, Comrade Rudolph, walk past.

The husband says to his wife, “Look, dear, there’s Comrade Rudolph, our local Communist officer. He always knows the truth. We”l ask him!” With that, the husband shouts, “Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or is it snowing?”

Comrade Rudolph looks to the sky and says, “Raining,” the continues on.

The wife looks at her husband and says,

“See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

Rain asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Rain’?”

“Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.”

Then Snow asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Snow’?”

“Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.”

Then Brick asked his mom, “NYANYANYANYA”

Because it’s white and settles on their land.

One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in Northern Minnesota were listening to the radio.

They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”

>So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through.”

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…” Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

“Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?

Snow is harder to plow when it’s wet.

A soviet couple was walking on the red square in Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

“Let’s not fight about it!” the man said. “Look, over there is the Political Comissar, Rudolf. He is always right. Let’s ask him instead”.

So they walk towards the man and ask, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolf, is it officially raining or snowing?“

“It’s raining, of course,” he replied officiously.

But the woman insisted, “I know that it felt like snow!”

The man quietly replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!“

She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Walmart parking lot, now you can follow me over to Target.”

Or as my husband would say…seven inches.

Or as my boyfriend calls it… 7.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue following if she wanted but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to the K-mart next.

When they wake up, the first guy says, “I had a wierd dream, I dreamt that someone beat my meat.”

The guy on the left says, “Me too!”

The guy in the middle goes: “That’s funny, I dreamt that I was skiing, but the snow was hot and sticky!”

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them, “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?”

The two guys reply, “Well, you know, we’re from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.”

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats.

The devil asks them again, “It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel that?”

Again, the guys reply, “Well, like we told you yesterday, we’re from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy to warm up a little bit, you know.”

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. “Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.”

The two Michiganders reply, “Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we’ve just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.”

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering.

The devil was dumbfounded. “I don’t understand. When I turn the heat up, you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold, and you’re happy. What is wrong with you two?”

The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. “Well, don’t ya know – if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!”

Back story:. My wife and kids and I were driving home and passed some snow cone stands. Somehow the conversation got around to how profitable it would be to open a snow cone stands in Afghanistan. I decided that an appropriate name would be:

ISIS ICES

Just thought I’d share

6.5 inches if it’s male meteorologist that forecasts.

This morning thousands of students and teachers on the East Coast woke up, saw a mountain of snow, started screaming happily and then thought…….

SHIT, we have school online today

The next day, Snow white came back to the castle in a huff.

“Why are you back so early?” asked the prince.

“Grumpy harassed me,” replied Snow White.

“What happened?”

“Well, as soon as I entered the cottage, he told me my hair smelled nice.”

“That doesn’t sound like harassment,” said the prince. “That sounds like a compliment. You should be flattered.”

“Flattered?! He’s a dwarf, remember?”

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn’t see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized.

I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I’d turn left. He’d swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him.

“Why are you following me, kid?” the plow driver asked.

“Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it.”

“Well,” said the plow driver. “I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??”

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he’s is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”

Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”

Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so… so… betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. …Well, what’s the really bad news?”

The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

“I would have rather have a 7 inch one time than one inch 7 times”

Normal snow falls

and German snow captures the land.

After i peed on her, she disappeared.

You follow the fresh prints.

“Tell me! Did you find her!?” the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

“We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said “Give me the bad news first.”

The second Mountie said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.” “Oh my God!” exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

The Mountie continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her.”

Stunned, the husband demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news???”

The Mountie answered, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”

We may not have as much experience as y’all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.

We’ll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

It meant class was cancelled.

1’s hands got so cold that they went numb.

2’s hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

Heigh Ho.

If it gets any worse i might have to let her back in.

Then he got out, so she felt Dopey instead.

Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

Someone pees “Brezhnev is stupid” into the snow on the Red Square.

The KGB immediately starts an investigation, the results are in the next day:

– Comrade Brezhnev, be strong. Our doctors confirmed the urine belongs to comrade Gromiko.

Brezhnev defeatedly leans back in his chair. r>- Leonid Ilyich, be strong. There is worse. Our graphologists identified that the handwriting belongs to your wife.

As long as you love Miso. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Snow White says “I’m the most beautiful person in the world! I know it!” The dwarf says “Stop lying, of course you’re not! But I’M the shortest person on this earth.” Freddy Krueger says “Well, I’m the ugliest person on earth!” Snow white says “Guys, stop arguing! We can just go to the magic mirror and it will tell us if we’re right.” They travel to the mirror, and Snow White goes into the room where it is kept and comes out saying “I KNEW IT! I’m the most beautiful person in the world!” The dwarf goes into the room and comes out saying “I TOLD you I was the shortest person on this earth.” Freddy Krueger goes into the room and comes out looking confused. He asks Snow White and the dwarf “Guys, do any of you know (name of person you’re telling it to)

Because Elsa let it go.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

The only time that four inches can keep a woman in bed all day.

Oof.

…but ISIS

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

As they walked, they come across a sign: “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.”

“I am entering!” said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, “Well, how’d ya go?”

“I won First Place!,” said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see another sign: “Contest for the strongest man in the world.”

“I’m entering” says Superman.

After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, “How did you make out?”

“I won first place too.” answers Superman. “Did you ever have a doubt?”

They continue walking when they see a third sign: “Contest – Who is the greatest liar in the world?”

Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

“What happened?” they asked.

“Who the hell is Donald Trump ?” asked Pinocchio.

Because it’s white and settles on their land.

Edit: well now I know what people mean by rip inbox.

Edit2: wtf happened to my headline, why is it Donald trump?

When you pee on them, they disappear.

‘Cause she kept sitting on Pinocchios’ face singing ‘tell me lies, tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies’.

*Joke’s from my Dad and his friend*

Yeti still didn’t believe me

Snow White decides to take a cruise, but she can’t bring all of the dwarves with her. To make sure she has a good time, she only brings along happy and sleepy.

Unfortunately when they go to board the boat there’s a problem.

There’s no doc

Aunts in his pants…

For the watch

Because 6 out of 7 Dwarfs aren’t allowed to be Happy.

She called it “Making the Little Things Count”

If someone in a Home Depot store

Offers you assistance and they don’t work there,

You may live in Canada .

If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time,

You may live in Canada .

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation

With someone who dialed a wrong number,

You may live in Canada .

If ‘Vacation’ means going anywhere

South of Kelowna for the weekend,

You may live in Canada .

If you measure distance in hours,

You may live in Canada .

If you know several people

Who have hit a deer more than once,

You may live in Canada .

If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’

In the same day and back again,

You may live in Canada .

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow

During a raging blizzard without flinching,

You may live in Canada .

If you install security lights on your house and garage,

But leave both unlocked,

You may live in Canada .

If you carry jumper cables in your car

And your wife knows how to use them,

You may live in Canada .

If you design your kid’s Halloween costume

To fit over a snowsuit,

You may live in Canada .

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km —

You’re going 95 and everybody is passing you,

You may live in Canada .

If driving is better in the winter

Because the potholes are filled with snow,

You may live in Canada .

If you know all 4 seasons:

Almost winter, winter, still winter,

and road construction,

You may live in Canada .

If you have more miles

On your snow blower than your car,

You may live in Canada .

If you find -2 degrees ‘a little chilly’,

You may live in Canada .

In an explosion.

After days of extensive search rescue workers found Himalayan dead in the snow.

The pay sucks, but I’m not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

It’s called a Ted Cruise