Silk Jokes

But it just ended up in a tie.

Cotton.

PS: I am black , so yeah , don’t fill my inbox.

It ended in a tie.

“What does the bee give us?”, he asks,

“Honey!”, say the kids,

“And what does the caterpillar give us?”, he says,

“Silk!”, they say,

“And what does the cow give us?”,

“Homework!”

“Excuse me, sir, but why are you naked?”

“Well, why not? No one ever comes back here.”

“Well in that case, sir, why the silk hat?”

“Well, you never know. Somebody might.”

They think it’s like silk, but it snot

“Darling,” he says, “I just got invited by my boss to go on a weekend company fishing trip. We’re leaving right after work so would you mind packing some things for me? I’ll need my blue silk pajamas, two days worth of clothes, toiletries, my fishing pole, and my tackle box. Oh, and don’t forget my blue silk pajamas.”

The husband arrives home a few hours later and his wife has a suitcase, his fishing pole, and his tackle box ready for him. “Thanks, honey, I’ll be leaving now. Did you remember to pack my blue silk pajamas?”

“Yes, dear, I packed your blue silk pajamas.”

The husband returns home on Sunday night and his wife greets him and asks how his fishing trip was.

“It was great,” he says, “Lots of fishing, lots of networking. Only problem was that you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”

“No I didn’t,” she said, “they were in your tackle box.”

– Tie me up with this rope, – she whispered to him. – And do whatever you wish.

He tied her up and went fishing.

The Arab finds a bra he likes and asks for the price. The Jewish guy being the business man that he is says “This is a great bra, it’s really starting to get popular. I can sell you each for 50 bucks.” The Arab guy nods and says “Sure, I’ll buy 100.” The next day the Arab comes back to the bra shop and looks around and finds another bra he likes. The Jewish guy smiles and decides to mark up the price. He goes up to the Arab and says “That’s a great lace bra. It’s imported from Italy, it’s very popular and worn by celebrities. They go for $75 per bra” The Arab nods and says “Sure, I’ll buy 150 of them.” The next day after that the Arab comes back again to the bra shop and finds another bra. The Jewish guy gets excited and thinks ‘I’m gonna get him this time and says “This is our brand new silk bra imported from France. Only the finest materials used and it’s extremely comfortable. I can sell you these for $100 each” The Arab nods and says “I’ll take 200 of them” They go to the counter and the Jewish guy gets curious and asks “If I may ask you a question, what are you doing with all these bras?” The Arab smiles and says “I cut them in half and sell them as yarmulkes for $200 a piece.”

Not today, satin.

Not today.

“Oo yeah,” I whispered to myself, as I looked through my telescope, “you keep emptying that washing machine, baby.”

As he is sitting there a stunning woman walks into the bar and sits on the bar-stool next to him. She’s wearing a very smart uniform and the guy thinks “She must work for one of the top airlines”.

He decides to find out which one by running some of their advertising slogans past her.

Thinking it might be British Airways he says, questioningly “The world’s favourite airline?”

The woman looks at him quizically, but says nothing and goes back to her drink.

Thinking it might be Singapore Airlines, he says “A better way to fly?”

Again she looks at him, but says nothing, and goes back to her drink.

So he thinks “Maybe it’s Thai Airlines. Their tagline is “As smooth as silk”

So he says to her “As smooth as silk?”

The woman turns to him, and says very aggressively “What the F**k do you want?”

To which he says “Ahhhhh….RyanAir!”.

A man died one day and his wife went to the funeral home to make the necessary arrangements. The funeral home director asked her if there’s anything she thinks her husband would have wished for his funeral.

“Actually there is something”, she said. “We’ve always had this plan that one day we’ll travel together to Italy and he would get one of those beautiful custom tailored black silk suits that only the best tailors from Milan can make. Since he was always busy and we never had this opportunity I’d really like to fulfill this one last thing for him.” “Okay”, says the director. “I have some connections. I will do my best.”

The day of the funeral comes and the deceased is wearing a perfect black silk suit during the viewing. It’s everything his wife could have hoped for so afterwards she goes to the funeral director and tells him how touched she was and if he could tell her how much everything is going to cost.

“Actually I am not going to charge you anything for the suit.”, he says. “Sometimes things just work out in life like that. Shortly after we spoke last time before the funeral another woman who lost her husband came in. Her husband was the exact same age and build as your husband, and he was wearing a black silk suit just as you described. I asked his wife what he would have liked to be dressed in for the ceremony but she said that he wasn’t particular about clothes and she brought in a few of his other suits in various colors so I can better match it with the casket and the rest of the ceremony. So for me it really was no trouble at all! Since her husband was already dressed in the suit that your husband would have wanted I just swapped their heads.”

The surgeon proceeds to sedate her and opens her skull… To his surprise, there was no brain inside, just a nice red silk thread running across the inside.

He didn’t know what to do, so he simply cut the thread….. and her ears fell off….

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!”

The wife noticed that there’s something fishy in her husband’s story but since she was a good wife she listened to her husband and did exactly as he told her. After a week the husband returned home, looking a bit tired but happy to have done a good job. The wife immediately started asking about the weekend, how it was, if he’d caught any fish and so on.

The husband said: “Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pyjamas?”

To which the wife responded: “I did…..They’re in your fishing box”.

At the first door he came to, the family gave him $25 and wished him the best of luck for the future. This made him very happy.’

At the second door he came to, the family gave him $50 which made him happier.

At the third door he came to, there was a blonde in a silk night suit. She grabbed him by his hand and gave him the best day and night of his life.

The next morning, she made him a big breakfast and she slipped $1 under his coffee.

After eating, he asked: “What’s with the $1?”

She replies: Well when isked my husband what we should get you, he said ‘ahh screw him and give him $1’. The breakfast was my idea though…”

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.

The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the clouds, counting them, comparing their shapes and colors, and writing down gibberish on an expensive silk paper. At the end, he went to the bey and said: “Sire, there will be no rain this week. If anything, there are risks of drought.”. That made the bey happy and he went along on his journey.

While on the road, he crossed paths with an old hooded man having a donkey. The bey said: “Hey you old thing, can’t you see from the blue of the sky and the heat of the sun that it won’t rain? Why are you wearing a hooded coat?” to which the old man answered: “I thank Your Majesty for the concerns, but you shouldn’t be wearing these summer clothes for it will rain today before sunset. ” The bey didn’t want to waste time there so he just kept on going thinking the old man is crazy.

Obviously, it rained while the bey was midway through. And believe when I say that it was rain like it never rained before since Noah’s flood! The bey arrived tired and soaked to his mistress who couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of the most powerful man in the country in such a poor state. Needless to say that he didn’t get some that night.

Days later when the storm got dissipated and he finally got back to his castle, he fired the wazir and summoned the old man. That man showed up in court with his donkey. The bey didn’t seem to care and said: “Oh wise elder, you managed to predict the rain when even my most educated expert could not. Would you please take his place and become my wazir of weather?”

To which the old man responded: “My King, I cannot accept, for I know nothing of weather. It is my donkey that is mighty for it raises its ears when sun will shine and lay them down when rain will set.”

“I see” the bey said “in that case, it is the donkey that will now be my minister”.

And it is since that day that we tunisians have the custom of having donkeys in the government!

They are all complete fabric Asians.

He drinks a fair bit more than he should have, and after struggling for a while to make it home on foot, he finally decides to lay in the grass by the road and sleep it off.

A group of girls walk by and see him lying there, one of them remarks that she’d heard Scotsmen don’t wear anything beneath their kilts. This intrigues the rest of the group, so they decide to check. One of then sneaks up to the sleeping man, takes a quick peek, and sure enough, he’s not wearing a stitch beneath his kilt.

Before heading off, one of the girls decides to leave the man a souvenir as thanks for sating their curiosity. So she take a blue silk ribbon out of her hair, lifts his kilt again, and ties it right around in a big bow.

The Scotsman awakens some time later, needing to answer the call of nature. He stumbles over towards the woods, leans against a tree, lifts his kilt and says “well lad, I don’t know where ya been or what ya got up to, but I see ya won first prize”

After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn’t even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!

He gets all excited and thinks, “Finally! I’m going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they’re going to give me some clothes and I’m going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She’ll start to take off her clothes and she’ll be wearing red silk panties!”

At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, “Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!”

A woman in her seventies was visiting an undertaker. She looked over her husband in his black suit and paused. She spoke directly with the undertaker gave him a check and asked if he might be able to find a blue suit for her husband. That was irregular, The undertaker said he would do his best.

Just prior to the service the widow looked over her husband in a nice silk blue suit silk shirt and tie. She exclaimed to the undertaker that this was perfect. Then the undertaker gave her check back. She knew the suit had to be expensive and asked the undertaker what had happened. He said that a another gentleman had arrived for preparation for his funeral in a blue suit. And his widow had expressed the desire to have him dressed in a black suit. So the undertaker said we did the only thing we thought was right, we switched heads.

So a sheep had a big house in the middle of nowhere. After some time she noticed some pigs wandering around and they asked to move in for a week or two, they promised the sheep that during those two weeks they’ll help her build a small cottage she wanted right next to her house. As they were building it they agreed to build another and have the pig family move in there, and they would pay the rent from the small carpentry business pigs would start. The word got around and other animals heard of the shop, and more and more animals, frogs, geese, cows wanted to move there, and start their own shops on sheep’s land. So they did, and everyone paid rent to the sheep. Over time they became more self-serving and secluded between themselves and had an economy of their own. The sheep had a small town and was in charge of it.

Years later, she was stupid rich now, and she started wearing really expensive robes made from the silk of the owl’s silk farms, decorated by jewls from horse-miners.

Years had passed again, and the war broke out. To keep everyone save, sheep hired some dog-soilders, and had pigs build up a wall.

As the war came to an end, and the world was just starting to recover, a pack of wolves came up on the town, they demanded to speak to its citizens. The sheep was called.

And as she was slowly dragging her long robe, now wearing a crown too, she came out to speek to the wolves.

“Who are you” asked the pack.

“I..”, said the sheep, “am the lamblord”

A sophisticated looking lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.

The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.

To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk skirt and points to her right inner thigh – very high up. ‘Right here,’ she says, ‘I want you to tattoo a jack-o-lantern and underneath it I want the word Halloween.’

Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, ‘On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word Christmas.’

The owner looks at her. ‘Ooh, lady, it’s none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I’ve ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?

‘Well,’ the lady said, ‘I’m sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there’s never anything good to enjoy between Halloween and Christmas.

A Russian man, an Italian man, and a Jewish man all move into town. They all want to start their own business, so each of them goes to the richest man in town and asks for a loan.

The Russian man asks, “I want to start my own business here, and I need a loan of $20,000”. The rich man replies, “You can have the $20,000, but you must pay me back in a year.” The Russian agrees, and promises the rich man to pay him back.

The Italian man and the Jewish man also go to the rich man, and as luck would have it, also both get a $20,000 loan, promising to pay it back within a year.

Six months later, the rich man dies. He is laid out in a golden casket wearing a silk suit. All three men attend the funeral.

The Russian man stands near the casket and says “I know you can’t use this money in heaven, but I’m a man of my word.” He puts $20,000 in cash straight into the man’s pocket.

The Italian man stands near the casket and says “You helped me start my business, and as I am a man of my word, I must repay you.” He also puts $20,000 in cash straight into the man’s pocket.

The Jewish man stands near the casket and says “I am very grateful for your loan. As I am a man of my word, I will pay you back the $20,000 you loaned me.”

He writes a check for $60,000, places it in the rich man’s pocket, and takes the $40,000 in cash out of his pocket.

A very well dressed (tailored suit, silk tie, bespoke shoes etc) elegant older customer ordered the very best on the menu resulting in a very large tab.

At the end of the meal he was presented with the bill.

He said to the server, “I don’t know if you remember, but many years ago I was a bit down on my luck, but I had a meal here and when it came to pay, I couldn’t, and you publicly humiliated me by getting security to march me through the restaurant and throw me out on the street.”

The server blushed and apologised most profusely.

The customer replied, “Don’t worry old man. I’m just so sorry I’m going to have to ask you to do it again…”

A man dressed impeccably, in the finest Italian suit, a silk tie and matching leather shoes walked into a shabby barbershop and enquired apprehensively.

“I have a very important meet in an hour and I need the closest shave possible, I do not want a hint of growth anywhere. Do you think you can do it without butchering my face?”

Not batting an eyelid, the old barber kept sharpening his blade and replied, “Young man, I have given such a shave to many a man in this town. I’ve honed my skill for the past 50 years and I am a master at what I do.”

Satisfied, the gentleman removed his jacket ans sank into the tattered chair which had evidently seen many a man’s posterior before. The barber went inside and returned with a red ball

” Place this in your mouth so that your cheeks are stretched taut for my blade to shave off the tiniest wisp of hair off your face.”

“Interesting”, thought the man and willingly complied with the instruction and kept the ball in his mouth grimacing and holding still throughout the shave. While the barber was finishing off with the shave, he had a hiccup and swallowed the ball whole. Begrudgingly he found himself running his hands over his chin over and over again but couldn’t find any sign of roughness. Satisfied with the old barber’s work he said “I am sorry about the ball, is there anything I can do about it?”

The barber continued washing his blade and replied, “No big deal, you can bring it back tomorrow morning like everyone else.”

On seeing his old friend, John pulls over to say hello.

Bob sees the Rolls Royce and exclaims,” Wow, how did you get the great car?”

John says,” So I was going out for a walk on a sunny afternoon when a beautiful woman pulled over in this Rolls Royce and asked if I wanted a lift, so I got in.

She drove for a while before she asked me to kiss her, so I did.

We drove for a bit more, then suddenly she pulled over, went to the back seat, took off all her clothes except for her silk knickers

She said,” Take anything you want from me”

I knew the knickers would never fit me, so I took the car.”

When he comes back he is wearing pinstripe trousers, ruffled shirt with silk tie, a frock coat and a tall hat. He has a huge gold pocket watch and is smoking a cigar the size of a dachshund, and he is leaning on a silver-mounted ebony walking stick.

“Ole!” yells Lena, “what on earth are you doing got up like that?”

“Lena,” says Ole, “the doctor says I’m impo’tant, and if I’m impo’tant then by cracky I’m gonna *look* impo’tant!”

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).

After having studied for many months and having completed all the necessary readings of varied tomes, Sarah was taught the most simple forms of fortune telling – reading the future from tea leaves in a cup, or the casting of chicken bones – but it wasn’t until two years of studying that she finally graduated to the most renowned tool of all fortune tellers, the crystal ball.

Madame Lointain explained the process to her. First an old sack cloth needed to be laid across the table, then the crystal ball was placed on the cloth. Finally the fortune teller should touch the crystal ball lightly with the very tip of their fingers and allow the divination to flow through them. When this process was complete, the crystal ball would cloud before showing the user a vision of the future.

Sarah followed the steps and touched the crystal ball. There was a tingling sensation, the ball clouded, and she had the briefest of visions of herself as a fortune teller in her own village.

“Congratulations!” said Madame Lointain “You have passed the final test of fortune telling – the test of scrying – which means you are no longer a trainee but instead are a fully qualified fortune teller!”

Sarah was extremely pleased and immediately returned to her village, where she began preparing her house for her new business. She bought candles and incense, she bought a one-eyed cat and a toad, and she bought a set of good china, and the finest crystal ball she could find. Then she went to the market stall, where traders from Eastern lands sold their wares, and looked for a cloth to go beneath the crystal ball.

Sarah decided that an old sack cloth would look very shabby beneath her beautiful new crystal ball and instead found herself taken by a beautiful purple fabric on one of the stalls.

“What kind of fabric is this?” she asked.

“Why, you have an eye for quality,” said the trader with a smile. “For this is made from the finest milled silk. It is good enough for royalty in fact.”

Well, that swayed Sarah completely and she purchased the fabric and completed the set up of her business. She was ready to open to the public, finally.

To begin with, it was an immense success. She tossed chicken bones, she stirred tea leaves, but when she finally came to the climax of her display she found herself unable to see anything in the crystal ball. She strained, she pleaded inwardly, but it remained clear without a hint of cloudiness.

Sarah made an excuse and gave her customer a refund, seeing them off with a smile, but was terribly worried. She was *sure* that she had done everything properly but it was no use, she was no longer able to scry. In floods of tears, she sent a message to Madame Lointain pleading for help and shut up shop while she waited.

Three days later there was a knock at the door. Madame Lointain stepped inside and Sarah explained how she had lost the ability to successfully use the crystal ball.

Firstly, Madame Lointain checked the crystal ball but it was in perfect working order. For a moment she was slightly bewildered as to what could be wrong, but then she noticed the purple fabric on the table beneath it.

“Where is the sack cloth?” she asked.

“Oh,” said Sarah, “I thought this was more beautiful. It is finest milled silk, good enough for royalty.”

“Ah, well that explains it,” said Madame Longtain with a sigh.

“It does?” asked Sarah.

“Of course!” said Madame Longtain, “Haven’t you ever heard it’s no use scrying over milled silk?”

A world-famous and very dignified surgeon called a plumber to fix the flooded bathroom in his office.

When the plumber arrived, he was carrying an extra set of used overalls. The dapper, impeccably groomed and expensively dressed doctor smirked in a condescending way and said: “Do you usually need a change of overalls?!”

The plumber just smiled. When he was done, the plumber gave him the bill and told him he had to get some more equipment from his truck.

He explained that he needed a new assistant because of all the work and was short-handed. He asked the surgeon if he knew of any friends who might want the job.

The surgeon raised his eyebrows and pointed at his suit, his shoes, his degree and his office: “I’m well known in my field around the world! I am a surgeon. Now, do I look like someone who would have a plumber for a friend?”

“You’re right. A high class guy like you in a fancy suit and those shined up shoes would never know plumbers,” said the plumber apologetically. He put the overalls down on a chair. “I’m very sorry.”

“I am on my way to give a presentation to the College of Surgeons! I’m sure I won’t be meeting any plumbers there! I do not count plumbers among my friends!” smirked the upper-crust doctor, as he checked his shoes to make sure the shine was still perfect and carefully tightened the knot of his tie. “Now I suggest you get to work!”

“YES SIR!” said the plumber. It seemed the right thing to do to call the eminent surgeon “Sir!” “I won’t forget! I’m sorry sir!”

When the plumber returned, he entered the surgeon’s office, stopped and stared. There on the floor were the doctor’s brand new mirror-polished $1,000 handmade Italian leather shoes – but their owner’s feet were no longer in them.

A few feet away, he saw the doctor’s black silk socks.

But the surgeon’s feet were not inside those either.

The plumber grinned and followed the trail:

Next he found the hand-tailored $2,000 Armani pinstriped business suit that the doctor had been wearing, also neatly folded, with attached paisley braces.

Then he found the natty Hermes silk tie and the matching pocket square tossed on the floor.

After that he saw the monogrammed gold cufflinks, starched white shirt, silver tiepin and Rolex – in a trail across the floor into the bathroom.

The surgeon’s medical degree and briefcase were piled up next to them.

The plumber laughed and picked up the doctor’s very expensive shoes and socks and his silk tie and his beautiful Italian suit and went in to the bathroom.

There was the world-famous surgeon – wearing the overalls, lying under the sink with his bare feet sticking out in an extremely undignified way.

The plumber tapped on the soles of the formerly dapper doctor’s feet with his own high-class shoes.

The surgeon looked out, with sweat streaming down his hundred dollar haircut.

The plumber grinned. He said “What is the world famous surgeon doing under the sink! Your shoes, your socks and your tie sir!”

The surgeon grabbed his silk socks and wiped the sweat off his face with them. He blew his nose in his silk tie.

He took his very expensive shoes and tossed them one at a time into the trash.

He grabbed his Armani suit jacket and tied it around the leaky pipe. He took the suit trousers and ripped them down the middle.

He pointed at the plumber’s bill and said “Sir, You found your assistant.”

“Ah yes, Poilon, superb work with the gold thread on my boot leather as per usual. And now: the silk pants with Morocco pearls.”

“Y-your Majesty… I think they’re breaking down the front wall.”

“Nonsense! Clothe me or I shall have you beheaded!”

“Absolutely, your majesty! There we go!”

“Splendid! Fetch the doe skin gloves. I want them creased and covered in emeralds.”

A loud bang was heard, followed by an ominous roar. Poilon shuddered.

“They’re here, your Grace – the horde.”

“Don’t be preposterous, you simpleton! Get. The. Doe. Skin. Gloves!!”

“B-but your excellence…”

“Get the gloves or get my sword!! Either my knuckles roll in sunlight or your head in the gutter!!”

“Yes your Hi-“

But before Poilon finished his sentence, the door flew off its hinges and the starved, enraged People’s Militia flooded the chamber. They stopped in their tracks, gaping at the lavish wastefulness of the king’s suit.

“Blasphemy!” a peasant called out. “That outfit alone could feed a village for two years!” He turned to Poilon. “Have you designed this atrocity, this Robe of Famine!?”

Poilon, frantically torn between death threats – obeying his King and answering to the Militia, simply opted to pleat the fist.

from silks to elephants, once he even purchased an enslaved nun. Calls himself Jack of All Trades, and master of nun.

“First,” said the male dolphin, “you must venture out into the forest and locate the Golden Mina Bird. Place it in this magical bag” — and the dolphins handed him a golden, silk bag made of the finest materials — “and make your way to the edge of the forest.”

“There, you will come to the Den of the Grey Lions,” continued the female dolphin. “Be careful not to wake them. There is a bridge that passes over their den; you must, quietly, travel over that bridge. And finally, you must obtain the Chalice of Knowledge. Return that and the bird to us, and we will answer any of your questions.”

The young man ventured into the forest in search of the Golden Mina Bird, but first came across the Asp of Contrition. The Asp warned the young man, “beware what you see and beware where you stray, for none have returned when they go on this way.” The man continued nonetheless, asking the Asp if he had seen the bird, and the Asp, with a slither, brought the young man to the creature he sought. The man easily captured the bird, putting it in the golden, silk bag, and went off toward the lions’ den — ignoring the snake’s warning.

The lion’s den was enormous — it seemed to stretch for miles in either direction. But, as the dolphins predicted, the lions were asleep. And the bridge, while narrow and ricketty-looking, was easily accessible. The young man walked to the bridge, crossing it on tip-toes, passing over the sleeping lions unnoticed.

And then, the young man spotted the Chalice of Knowledge. But before he could get it, he was arrested for transporting a mina over slate lions for immortal porpoises.

Saint Peter gives him a wooden staff and a cotton robe and he is allowed in.

As he goes in, he sees a taxi cab driver talking to peter, and Peter gives the taxi cab a gold staff and a silk robe, so the priest goes back to peter and asks.

“Hey, what gives? I did God’s work, how come he gets a nice staff and robe? He just drove terribly “

Peter replies “Up here, we go by results. While you prayed, people slept, while he drove, people prayed.”

While they’re at the pearly gates God talks to them about their time in Earth. When he’s done talking to the cab driver, he hands him a gold staff and a beautiful silk robe as he walks in

Once he’s finished with the priest however, he hands him a wooden staff and a cotton robe. The priest says to God “excuse me, but you gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe, but I only got a wood staff and cloth robe. There must be some mistake”

God responds, “No, I don’t make mistakes. When people were riding with the cab driver, they prayed. When they were with you, they slept”

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce…

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!”

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have Wi-Fi.”

The driver of the Kia says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Kia!”

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”

The driver of the Kia says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Kia!”

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Yes, I have a television, a Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”

The driver of the Kia says, “That’s a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Kia!”

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away. He went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up his car. The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So, the driver of the Rolls drove around all day looking for the Kia…

Finally, late that night, he finds the Kia parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls gets out of his car and knocks on the Kia’s window. At first there is no answer, then the owner sticks his head out, soaking wet.

“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls said arrogantly.

The driver of the Kia says… “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!”

The king of a small nation lived in a palace that was, in actuality, just a straw hut with an attic. Still, with the king living there, it was indeed a palace, as far as the citizens of that nation were concerned. The king would greet guests while sitting cross-legged on the floor.

One day, the king grew tired of sitting on the floor; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a simple wooden stool. He sat upon the stool, and for a time, he was content.

Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his simple wooden stool; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of copper, and padded with wool; and he put the simple wooden stool up in the attic; and he sat upon the wool-padded, copper chair; and for a time, he was content.

Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his wool-padded, copper chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of silver, and padded with linen, and decorated with emeralds; and he put the wool-padded copper chair up in the attic; and he sat upon the emerald-decorated, linen-padded, silver chair; and for a time, he was content.

Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his emerald-decorated, linen-padded, silver chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of gold, and padded with silk, and decorated with rubies, and now with the addition of reclining functionality; and he put the emerald-decorated, linen-padded, silver chair up in the attic; and he sat upon the reclining, ruby-decorated, silk-padded, golden chair; and for a time he was content.

Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his reclining, ruby-decorated, silk-padded, golden chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of platinum, and padded with velvet, and decorated with amethysts, and still with reclining functionality, and now also equipped with cupholders; and he put the reclining, ruby-decorated, silk-padded, golden chair up in the attic; and he sat upon the cupholder-equipped, reclining, amethyst-decorated, velvet-padded, platinum chair; and for a time he was content.

Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his cupholder-equipped, reclining, amethyst-decorated, velvet-padded, platinum chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of space-age alloy, and padded with memory-foam, and decorated with synthetic opal, and still with reclining functionality, and still with cupholders, and now with built-in heating elements for the winter; and he put his cupholder-equipped, reclining, amethyst-decorated, velvet-padded, platinum chair up in the attic; and the roof caved in. This just goes to show: people living in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

So this guy has a pair of bunnies, and the bunnies are really old. One day he wakes up and both the bunnies have died. He’s really sad, and he can’t stand the thought of never seeing them again, so he puts them in a silk-lined box and takes them down to the local taxidermy shop. He sets the box on the counter and says to the taxidermy guy: “These were my beloved pet bunnies. I want to keep them forever.” The taxidermy guy says “Okay. Do you want them mounted?” “No,” says the guy, after a moment of consideration. “Just holding hands.”

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher’s entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, “Okay, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.” The preacher is astonished and replies, “But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby.”

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: “Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed.”

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair

And one could tell by how he walked the he’d drunk more than his share

He fumbled ’round until he could no longer keep his feet

And he stumbled off in to the grass to sleep beside the street

About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by

One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye

“See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong a handsome built?

I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt.”

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be

Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see

And there, behold, for them to view beneath his Scotish skirt

Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

They marveled for a moment, then one said “We must be gone.

Let’s leave a present for our friend before we move along”

As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied in to a bow

Around the bonnie star the Scot’s kilt did lift and show

Now the Scotsman woke to nature’s call and stumbled towards the trees

Behind the bush he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees

And in a startled voice he says, to what’s before his eyes,

“Lad, I don’t know where ya been, but I see you’ve won first prize”

The Irish Rovers, “The Scottsman”

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. ‘What are the greens fees?’ grumbled the old man.

‘This is heaven ,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man, ‘this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked..

‘That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied, ‘you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’

The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’

‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.

‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’

‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your damn bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!’

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady

2. Bare Belly

3. Silk Panties

4. Conscience

5. Jockey Shorts

6. Clean Sheets

7. Thighs

8. Big Johnson

9. Heavy Bosum

10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:

They’re off! Conscience is left behind at the post.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.

Heavy Bosum is being pressured.

Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.

At the Halfway Mark it’s Bare Belly on top.

Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.

Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.

Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.

Big Johnson is making a final drive.

Passionate Lady is coming.

At The Finish It’s Big Johnson giving everything he’s got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.

It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head.

Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pulls-up.

Clean Sheets never had a chance.

I sprinkled some more over the bed.

I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table.

I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening she’s ever had, I was slightly nervous.

Now all I need is the perfect line to introduce myself.

In front of him in line is an old man in well worn jeans and an equally worn leather jacket. The old man get’s to the front of the line and St. Peter says “state your name and occupation please”

He says “Simon Burch, NYC taxi driver for 30 years”

St. Peter checks his list and smiles, “here” he says “take this silk robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of Heaven”

Seeing this, the priest comes up and, when asked, booms “I am Robert Eaton, Servant of the Lord and Priest for the last 50 years”

St. Peter checks his list “Ahh yes, here. Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven”

“There must be some mistake” says the priest “I spent my whole life serving the Lord, why would that taxi driver get better treatment than me?”

St. Peter looks back at the taxi driver and chuckles

“Oh” he says “Up here we go by results”

“When you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed”

… and arrive at the gates of heaven. St. peter looks at the cabbie’s records and exclaims, “welcome to heaven good sir!” before giving him a golden silk robe and keys to a villa.

Looking at the spectacle in front of him, the priest thinks he’s set. When he arrives, St. Peter looks at his chart and says, “you’ll do” before giving him a somewhat old robe and keys to what looked like an apartment.

The priest looks astonished and asks the angel why he, a priest, is getting this second hand treatment while a cabbie gets the best of the best. St. Peter looks at him and says, “When you preached, people slept; when he drove, people prayed.”

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In the middle of the room, there is a ladder with a sign next to it that says, “Climb this ladder to success.”

He thinks, *why not*, and begins to climb. When he steps off onto the next floor, he sees the room he is now in has a single bed and nothing more than the ladder he stepped off of and another sign that says, “Climb this ladder to success.” He decides to continue climbing.

On the next floor, he sees a single bed next to a nightstand with a $20 bill on it. He ponders for a moment, but then decidees to continue climbing. Again, another sign: “Climb this ladder to success.” As he climbs, each floor becomes more elaborate and his emotions start running high. *Is this his chance? Can this be true? Can he really find success by climbing this ladder?*

After he climbs for what feels like an eternity, he pauses to catch his breath. He stops in a room adorned with beautiful furniture. Silk sheets cover a massive bed. Columns made of marble corner the wall-less room. A chandalier of diamonds hangs from the ceiling over the bed. And everything is adorned with gold. *This could be it!* But he notices the ladder hasn’t reached the top yet and there is still a sign that says, “Climb this ladder to success.”

*What could be futher up!?* He must find out. So he continue to climb.

After what seems like hours, and seeing beautiful things he could never imagine on each floor he passes, he finally reaches the top of the ladder. In front of him, there is a sign with an arrow pointing ahead. It says, “This way to success.” He looks further ahead and sees a giant throne. Sitting on the throne is a giant naked man; the ugliest and most repulsive man he’s ever seen. He approaches the throne and asks, “Are you the one who can lead me to success?

The grotesque beast of a man replies, “Nay, you are already here.” With a smirk and a wink, the beastly figure says, “I’m Cess.”

🙂

*(Just for FYI, this joke delivers better if spoken.)*

Juan was just a young man growing up in rural Mexico. He felt he had little chance to grow up and do anything of importance or recognition. He’d grow up and work the land. The same as his father and his grandfather before him.

Until the day he saw the great magician Harry Houdini.

Then young Juan knew his destiny.

Time passed and Juan slowly learned the art of magic. First pleasing friends and family with simple sleight of hand, before going on to grow older and begin entertaining patrons of the local bars with illusions and escapology.

By the time he was 20 he had toured through all of Mexico. From Aguascalientes to Zacatecas and all places inbetween. His fame in the country of his home soon brought a talent scout from America seeking him out.

Before he knew it, Juan the magnificent was on a whirlwind tour of the US, Europe and beyond treading the very same boards that his inspiration Harry Houdini once stodd upon.

This went on for some time, until Juan reached the mid point of his life, when he soon saw dwindling numbers in his audience. The cheers were not so loud and his fame had begun to fade.

Juan needed a new trick.

The next great trick.

It would be his greatest achievement. His crowning glory. His final act. The one they would speak about for generations to come.

As Juan passed his 63rd birthday, the stage was set. The final performance of the legendary Juan the Magnificent. One night only.

The theatre was sold out. People in every seat. People stood in the aisles and sat upon the floors eager to see this last performance.

The lights dimmed and the orchestra began to play. The curtains opened slowly revealing Juan the Magnificent. He stood in the middle of the stage, dressed in the finest black silk three piece suit, his top hat upon his head.

The stage lights came up, and with a dramatic flourish Juan the Magnificent swept his hat off his head and stood, arms outstretched as the crowd roared with delight.

Juan the Magnificent stood and basked in the warmth their cheers gave him. As the cheers softened and eventually quitened, Juan the Magnificent took a grateful bow.

Juan the Magnificent, straightened. Placed his hat back upon his head and cried out

“UNO! DOS!”

And he vanished without a tres.