Schedule Jokes

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment…

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?…

Me: No, I don’t need that many

Me: Hello i would like to schedule an appointment

Receptionits: Yeah just give me a second… How about 10 tommorrow

Me: No thanks, that’s way too many

“I don’t want to guard section C anymore”. “Ok” his boss said “I’ll sort it out”.

The next day he comes in for guard duty and checks his schedule. He’s posted at section C again. Furious, he storms into the office “Why am I still in section C!?”.

His boss said “Relax, I’m not trying to be funny, this is just a repost”.

He can’t get the engine started and when he does she doesn’t want to drive it home. One day the call and schedule a meeting with a specialist. They spare no expense and get the best guy money can buy. On the day of their appointment the husband and wife each get pulled into meetings right before they are supposed to leave. They call each other and the husband says “we should call and tell them about how we won’t make it” and the wife says.

“Why bother, he already knows we’re not coming”.

There’s this man and a woman who seem to like each other, but between work and life, they have had a heck of a time carving out the time to actually go on a date! Finally things line up, and they arrange to have dinner at a nice restaurant one day after work.

To make matters worse, on the way to the restaurant, the car blows a tire. The man, unprepared, has no jacket–no gloves. He steels himself for the cold and quickly gets all his spare tire gear out of the car, and jacks the car up. Soon, he hops back in the car and thrusts his hands between his date’s legs.

“Excuse me?” she says.

The man is totally apologetic: “I’m sorry, but I’m losing the feeling in my hands, and this is the warmest spot in the car right now. Forgive me, but I need to do this so we can get on with our evening.” She agrees. Eventually, the man goes out and removes the flat, quickly installs the spare, and lands back inside the car, thrusting his hands between his date’s legs again.

“Are you sure this is necessary?”

“Yes, again, I’m sorry. I’m almost done with the tire thing. I really am sorry.” And she forebears the indignation for a little while longer. The man soon jumps out of the car, throws all the gear back into the trunk, hops back into the car, once more thrusting his hands between his date’s legs.

Before she can object he says, “I’m truly sorry about this. But I just need to get the feeling back in my hands so I can grip the wheel and we’ll be on our way.”

She asks, “Aren’t your ears cold?”

The family practitioner spots a flock of fowl flying overhead, turns to the specialist and says: “I think those are ducks. I need a second opinion.”

The specialist says: “I can schedule you in for a consult in two months.”

The surgeon picks up his shotgun. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!!! Three of the birds fall down into the water. He turns to the pathologist and says: “Run a test on them, will you, and see if they’re ducks.”

… he was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom, and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said “Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache”. “Certainly, darling,” he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise “Say” said the druggist “I know you – aren’t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?” “Yeah, so?” said the officer. “Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?

(I hope not a repost)

She said her schedule was flexible enough

.. so I never forget.

… because they are always booked!

That’s just the LeeWay

So she didn’t really have time to do laundry. She had no clean underwear so she just figured she’d throw on some scrubs and head to work.

Her shift that day was a nightmare. She lost 3 elderly patients while she was in the room cleaning. She took a short break to mourn, then headed to care for another, slightly younger patient. As she was walking to his room, she pleaded to God “please don’t take this one too.

She walked into the room and noticed that one of his socks were on the floor. She bent down to pick it up and, all of a sudden, she heard the heart monitor beep loudly and freaked.

She looked at him and said “are you okay?”

He said “yes, I’m fine. But I think you should know your scrubs have a hole in them.”

They keep it posted

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.

As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks “hmmmm… all these sevens… I think the universe is trying to tell me something.”

So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called “Lucky Universe”. The man can’t believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.

The horse came in seventh.

So a boy has been getting dropped off at his grandpa’s house after school because of his parents’ work schedule. The grandpa makes the boy dinner everyday and at one point the boy notices some crust on the plate.

He asks his grandpa “Why is there crust on my plate?” To which grandpa replies “That’s as clean as cold water can get them.”

The next day the boy is getting dinner from his grandpa and there is some leftover brocolli pieces and crust on the plate. The boy asks, why so, and gets the same answer ” That’s as clean as cold water can get them.”

Then one day, during dinner, the boy’s parents show up to greet him, but the grandpa’s dog runs out, barking excitedly at them, to which the grandpa exclaims “Cold Water! Get back in here!”

Sir Cadian

She doesn’t: the office staff schedule them on her behalf at different times throughout the day.

Tooth hurty.

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of 10 pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the bus schedule and sits on the bench when a bus arrives, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. After a while, the dog stands on his back legs to pull the yellow stop cable. The butcher follows him off the bus.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself *WHAP!* against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy, “What the hell are you doing? This dog is a genius!”

The owner responds, “Genius my ass! It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”

They planet

She is distraught, fueled by anger – so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is efficient, remorseless, and most importantly, cheap. In fact, he will kill anyone a person desires for only £1.

And so she contacts Big Artie and creates a plan. She tells him that her husband doesn’t follow any kind of schedule, except that without fail he will go to the supermarket every Monday at 6pm for the weekly groceries. This is where Big Artie plans to strike.

And so the next Monday, Big Artie heads to the local Tesco and waits. Right on time the husband arrives, and Big Artie doesn’t hesitate. He steps up behind the cheating husband, puts both hands around his neck, and promptly chokes the life out of him.

Chaos ensues, people run in terror, and the store manager runs towards Big Artie with dreams of being a hero. Big Artie grabs him too, picks him up easily, and wrings his neck.

Finally the store security guard makes his way to the scene of the crime. He has a taser at the ready, but Big Artie is too quick, and once more he grabs the man by the neck and squeezes, ending his life.

The police arrive on the scene. Big Artie is caught red handed, arrested, and charged with three counts of murder.

The next day, the incident is all over the local newspapers, with the simple headline –

“Big Artie Chokes Three For A Pound In Tesco”

She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”

He replied, “It’s the plumber.”

He thought it was the lady who’d said, “Who is it?” and waited for her to come and let him in.

When this didn’t happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”

He said, “It’s the plumber!” He waited, and again the lady didn’t come to let him in.

He knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”

He said, “It’s the plumber!”

Again he waited and again she didn’t come. He knocked again and the parrot said, “Who is it?”

The plumber screamed, flew into a rage, pushed the door in, and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and fell dead in the doorway. The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway. “A dead body!” she exclaimed. “Who is it?”

The parrot said, “It’s the plumber.”

With a .bat script

They decide to spend the weekend at the lake, fishing by the quiet of nature. With all decided, Billy returns home to tell his wife. The wife, however, didn’t like the idea and forbid him to go. The next day, the poor man tells his friends “Sorry guys, I won’t make it. My wife won’t let me” and after some booze and talk, they all return home.

The day of the trip arrives and the fishing buddies get to the lake and find a smilling Billy there. “What happened?! I thought your wife didn’t let you come!” they all asked. “Well”, Billy started, “My wife is reading this book called Fifty Shades of Grey and yesterday I get home and she was handcuffed to the bed. ‘What the hell woman’ I asked. She replied ‘Now Billy, do whatever you want!’ so I came fishing!”

February 30th

April 31st

June 31st

September 31st

November 31st

Apparently they’re fully booked

After downing some shots of peppermint schnapps, the first elf says to the second, “That COVID outbreak in China has really messed up the toy production schedule. I don’t think Santa has ever pushed us so hard!”.

The second one added, “Yeah, things were so bad today that Rudolph and Blitzen were even called in to work on the assembly line.”

The first one got an odd look on his face and said, “Well, that explains why those Raisinets I found on the floor tasted so strange.”

He doesn’t request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, “Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.”

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, “One billion bottles of beer on the wall… .”

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.

Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.

The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, “Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don’t see how I could be causing a noise problem when I am over 6 miles above the earth!”

The controller answered in a calm voice, “Apparently, Captain, you have never heard the noise of two 747’s colliding.”

Sorry, my subcontractors are still working on it, we’re behind schedule, my credit line and bank facilities won’t get approved because my auditor won’t release a clean audit report……it’s a mess.

He is walking next to the river and suddenly realizes his keys aren’t in his pocket. He panicks and thinks he must have dropped them in the river so he looks at the river and notices some ripples right near where he was walking. He assumes that his keys were there so he jumps in the water to try and get them back. He did find a key but it wasn’t his, so he gives it to the police. The policeman says thanks for returning this, the zoo lost some keys recently and there is a certain animal that has had some disruption to his schedule because of the missing key. The man asks which animal and the policeman says

“The monKEY”

The man asks the policeman

“Where’s my key?”

The Pope was state bound scheduled to give a speech in Dallas, TX. On their way to the venue the Pope rolls down the privacy glass in the limo and says to his chauffeur, “Hey, you know what? I’ve always rode in these things, but I’ve never driven one! Do you mind if we switch spots?” Being it was the Pope himself, the chauffeur felt he couldn’t say no so he obliged and exchanged seats.

It had been years since the Pope had driven, and he was having the time of his life cruising down the interstate going over 100mph! Consequently he was clocked by a state trooper and pulled over. As the trooper approached the vehicle and got a glance at the driver he quickly turned around and returned to his squad car to call his supervisor.

The trooper called in and told the sergeant, “Sergeant, I’m afraid I pulled over someone very very important.”

In which he replied,” Well, who is it, the governor?”

“No, no, much more important than that!”

“The President?!”

“I’m afraid even more important than that!”

“Well, who the hell is it then?!”

“I don’t know, but his chauffeur is the freakin’ Pope!”

She said she could pencil me in.

In other words he changed his schedule on the fly.

A guy goes to a doctor and tells him, “I’ve been thinking about this a long time. I want to be castrated. This is important to me, and don’t try to talk me out of it. I don’t want any discussion. Just do it.”

The doctor shrugs and agrees, and schedules him for surgery the next day.

>The guy is laying in the recovery room afterwards with his knees up and an icepack where the work was done, and he looks over and sees another guy in the exact same recovery position. “Looks like we both got the same surgery.”

The other guy nods, “Yeah, although I still feel silly getting circumcised–“

“THAT’S THE WORD!”

1. Get up at 5:00AM every day

2. 90 minutes of cardio

3. Take a cold shower

4. Journal

5. Schedule out your day

6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company

7. Meditate

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife set to fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent it.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

**To:** My Loving Wife

**Date:** July 19, 2010

**Subject:** I’ve Arrived

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.

I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

**P. S.** Sure is freaking hot down here!

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then, the doorbell rang and an irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree…

I had to decline. I’m not much of a mourning person.

There were a couple of noshows but I still had fun.

Now everything is back under control.

^^^^^I’m ^^^^^sorry.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o’clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.

The surgeon proceeds to sedate her and opens her skull… To his surprise, there was no brain inside, just a nice red silk thread running across the inside.

He didn’t know what to do, so he simply cut the thread….. and her ears fell off….

They said they wanted to have a look and see if they could get to the bottom of it.

“I don’t have a lot of money.” he confessed. “Is there any way we could make the procedure cheaper?”

“I suppose for a small discount,” thought the dentist, “We could reuse some of our disposable tools. It may slightly increase your risk of infection, but, theoretically, you should be fine.”

“That sounds good, but is there anything you could do to bring the price down even more?” the man asked.

The dentist thinks a moment. “I’m currently training a new hygienist. He is very green and very impatient, but if we let him practice on you, that will save me from ruining another set of training teeth.”

“Great! But is there anything else you could possibly do for me?”

The dentist shakes his head. “No. The only thing left would be to leave out the painkillers. But without those, the procedure will extremely painful; absolutely unbearable, even.”

“Please, sir!” the man plead, “I’m destitute! I’ll do whatever it take to make this as cheap as possible!”

The dentist relents. “Very well. I have an opening tomorrow morning at nine-thirty, if you’re ready. Shall I have a name for the appointment?”

“My wife’s name is Sharon.” the man responds, “I’ll be dropping her off around Nine.”

something about not having Chemistry together

there’s no telling

However, officials pulled the plug at the last minute when it was revealed the comedians would be taking a Ni.

Now let that sink in.

Along the way, he runs into a serial killer.

The crocodile, being a crocodile, is unconcerned and promptly proceeds to devour her alive before continuing on his merry way to the Roman Colosseum.

He makes it there just fine, and enjoys a gladiatorial match for the ages- a feast for the eyes unlike any that have ever been seen.

While watching, he overhears a few fellow spectators who are particularly prone to gossip.

He learns that the serial killer from earlier was in fact the infamous Colosseum Killer, and rumors were abound that she was to strike again today, during the match.

This would surely have interrupted the entertainment, disrupting the show and ruining the crocodile’s day.

While walking back home, the crocodile thinks back on his encounter. He pats himself on the back, incredibly pleased at himself for having eaten her.

At the end of the day, he was gladiator.

Or is he just going to sit in the corner and watch?

In charge of the schedule Yoda was.

What can I say? We had Chemistry together.

He was having issues with his death perception.

And at least ten a night.

Mitch better have my money.

…but they only have limp-ins.

LAN parties, DnD nights, wheelchair races, having awesome songs from the 2000’s as our golden oldies! It’ll be great, especially if we can line up our work schedules!

Where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. “Has anyone given you any packages that you didn’t pack yourself?” he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.r>

He looked at me very carefully and asked: “Does she like you?”

Miami Beach @ 10:00, come show your support!

When I want her to do something, she’ll only do it if it fits into her schedule. Meanwhile, she’ll bend over backwards for yoga

That was a weight off my chest.

Neil before Zod.

He changed his mind.

I had a blind date last night. But I was concerned — What do I do if she’s really unattractive? I’ll be stuck with her all night.

Turns out, There’s an app for that.

It’s called “Mom Are You Ok”. It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.

If you like her, you ignore it.

If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

It works every time.

So I knocked on the girl’s door. Turns out I needn’t have worried.

She was gorgeous!

I couldn’t get over how attractive she was!!

Just as I was about to speak to her, her phone rang!!!

She answered it and said, “Mom, what’s the matter? Are you okay?” !!!

He wants to see if I have claustrophobia.