Pull Jokes

A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy doesn’t move.

“Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy doesn’t budge.

“Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.

Then the farmer says, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.

Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. “Buddy’s blind,” said the farmer. “And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try.”

She texted back saying ‘no hon it’s not, I do it all the time’

Man: Hey little girl, want to ride on the back of my motorcycle?

Girl: No.

Man: Come on sweetie, I’ll give you five dollars if you ride with me.

Girl: Get away from me or I’ll call the cops.

Man: How about twenty dollars, just get on the back with me.

Girl: (Starts running) No way!

Man: Okay, final offer, twenty dollars and a bag of candy.

Girl: Look, Dad, you had to buy a Honda instead of a Harley, you ride it!

He asks “what seems to be the problem, officer?”, and the cop responds, “oh, nothing.”

When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration.

“What’s a licence” she asks

So the cop explains what a licence is.

The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop.

“I also need to registration” reminds the cop

“What’s a registration” she asks

So the cop explains what a registration is to her.

“I have one of those” she says as she grabs it and hands it over.

So the cop takes the licence and registration back to his car to write up the ticket. As he’s writing up the ticket he tells his partner how dumb this blonde is.

His partner thinks a minute and says “when you take the ticket to her, give her everything then drop your pants to see what her reaction is.”

So the cop finishes writing up the ticket and heads back to the blonde. He hands her her licence, registration and the ticket then drops his pants.

The blonde looks confused for a second then her face falls, “oh no, not another breathalyzer test”

“Excuse me sir, we’ve been searching for a sheep molester in the area. We’d like to ask you a few questions, and there’s a reward being offered”

The man thinks for a second, “Okay sure, it’s not my thing but I’ll do it”

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. ‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

‘Here it is,’ she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, ‘Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop too.’

Edit: heres the comic that I have never seen until it was posted in the comments 🙂

http://img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/auto-blondes-officer-driver-200267.jpeg

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

Later on the older lady that owned the house comes out and tells the boss, “you should pay your guys more!” The boss looking puzzled asks where that came from. She goes on to explain, “they have been busting their asses off. Earlier they had to share one cigarette between the four of them, that’s just not right!”.

An Oregon state trooper walked over to her car window while flipping open his ticket book.

The young woman said, “I bet you’re going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.”

He replied, “Oregon StateTroopers don’t have balls.”

There was a moment of silence.

And then he flipped closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, walked back to his patrol car, and left.

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, “I bet you’re going to sell me a ticket to the policeman’s Ball.”

The cop replied, “No, ma’am. You’re thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uvalde Police don’t have balls.”

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he’s writing.

The farmer says “I see you’re being bothered by those circle flies.”

The policeman says, “If that’s what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying.”

The farmer says, “Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses.”

The policeman says, “Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse’s ass?”

The farmer says, “Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing.”

The policeman says, “Well, that’s a good thing, then.”

The farmer adds, “But it’s hard to fool those circle flies.”

The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver replies, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting, the driver’s wife says, “Now don’t be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.” As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?” The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well, dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.” As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?” The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.” The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.” The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.” And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “Will you please be quiet?” The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, ma’am?” She replies, “Only when he’s been drinking.”

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, “Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine.”

The hunter says, “No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it’s mine.”

The farmer says, “Ok Ok…we’ll settle this the old way.”

“The old way?”

“Yes. We’ll take turns kicking each other in the nuts and the first guy who can’t take it anymore loses. The winner gets the deer.”

The hunter thinks about this and he says, “Ok, let’s do it.”

The farmer says, “Ok, let me go first.” He takes a big wind up and just nails the hunter right in the nuts with his big dirty farmer boots.

The hunter doubles over in pain, huffing and puffing for a few minutes. He finally gets up, still panting and says, “Ok Ok…I’m still in…my turn.”

The farmer says, “Nah, you can keep the deer.”

He goes to the office and the clerk asks, “what can I do for you?” The man says, “well, I just got married and we’d like a room by the lake.”

“Oh, well congratulations,” the clerk said. “I’ll give you a nice cabin by the lake.” He gives the man the keys and directs him to a cabin. He watches as the man drives to the cabin, unloads his luggage, and goes into the cabin with his new bride. A few minutes later, the man emerges from the cabin and starts fishing in the lake.

The man fishes until the sun comes up and the clerk is somewhat bewildered and walks out to where the man is fishing. “Morning,” he says, “catch anything?” The man shakes his head no and the clerk goes on, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’re a newlywed and yet you spent the night fishing. Shouldn’t you be in your cabin expressing your love for your new bride?”

“Well, I would,” says the man, “but my wife has gonorrhea.”

“Oh, I see,” the clerk says. “Well, there are other ways to show your love. She could satisfy you orally.”

“She can’t,” the man says, “because my wife has pyorrhea.”

“Well, there’s always the back door,” the clerk says.

“Can’t do that,” the man says, “my wife has diarrhea.”

“Hmm,” the baffled clerk says. “Let me get this straight. Your wife has gonorrhea, pyorrhea and diarrhea. Why did you marry her?”

“I like to fish, and my wife’s got worms.”

I see your point

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”

“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”

The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I need you to take them to a zoo immediately.”

The man replies, “I’ll take them right away,” and drives off.

The next day, the police officer sees the same exact van driving by and to his astonishment, it is still full of penguins! He pulls the man over again, and notices that he and the penguins are all wearing sunglasses, sunscreen, and Hawaiian shirts.

The officer gapes at him and says, “Sir, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!”

“Yes, I did,” the man replies. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”

he comes up to the man and asks, “why were you speeding today sir?” the man replies, “i’m a juggler in a circus, and i’m late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you’ll be needing my license and registration.”

the cop looks intrigued, and says “whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggling! if you let me film you for a minute and send it to my daughter, i’ll let you go with a warning.”

the juggler says, “officer, i don’t have my equipment with me, i had to ship it seperately.” the officer thinks for a minute, and brings back five flares from his car and lights them.

the juggler effortlessly starts to toss and catch the flaming flares and the officer is very impressed.

meanwhile, another man driving by pulls over and stops his car. he gets out, stumbles into the back seat of the police car, and closes the door. the officer slowly approaches, hand on his gun, and says “sir, i’m going to have to ask you to slowly step out of the vehicle.”

the man looks at the cop and chuckles, his words slurred, “sorry officer but i ain’t never gonna pass that new sobriety test you got there”

The cop said “you know, the news says those things are killing people.”

I chuckled and said “they’re saying the same thing about you guys.”

He didn’t laugh.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds “I’ll bet you $100 you can’t guess the answer to that question” as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin and thinks for a moment and then says ” OK lady, I’ll take that bet.” He guesses that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.

“However did you guess that young man?” The old lady says grasping her pearls.

“You see ma’am,” the cop said snatching up the hundred-dollar bill, “This is Reddit. After I read about you on the third repost, I knew I’d find you soon enough.”

“My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”

“What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired.

“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,

“Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”

“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,

“Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”

“NO!” says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,

“Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks “and” a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out…

“Look Dad” “You’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley …YOU RIDE IT!!”…….

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$1500!” she cried, “$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $1500.”

Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving on the wrong side of the road.

Driver: Sorry, I’m English.

Cop: (Loudly) it’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?”

The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

When the wife said to me,

“You spoil those dogs.”

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.

“Been out for a few have we mate?” asks the officer.

“Shuure ave mate” grins Steve.

“I realise you are very drunk sir,” states the officer, “but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!”

The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

“Sir,” he says, “Why do you have all those knives?”

“They’re for my juggling act,” the circus performer replies.

“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Prove it.” So the performer gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives flawlessly.

Just at that moment, a car with two guys in it drives by. “Wow,” says one to the other. “I’m glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.”

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.

The cop asks, “Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?”

The old lady responds, “I was just going the posted speed limit!” and points to a sign up ahead.

The cop smiles and says, “That’s not the speed limit sign, that’s the sign for this highway — Route 20!”

One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, “We tried to tell you, Eugenia!”

The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.

“What’s the matter?” the cop asks.

She responds, “We just came off of Interstate 190.”

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain’s office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, “You’re a good cop, but these reports just aren’t going to cut it anymore, Joe! They’re practically illegible! The next report, if there’s even one word misspelled on it, you are going on suspension! Now get out of here and get on patrol!”

The cop swears that he’s not going to make any more mistakes, and heads out on patrol. He’s driving around town when he gets a call about a traffic fatality nearby. The cop puts on his lights and speeds toward the scene. When he arrives, the cop sees the worst head-on collision he’s ever encountered. He gets out of the car, whips out his notebook, and starts to take notes, being very conscious of his spelling.

“One, O-N-E. Ford, F-O-R-D. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H.”

The cop thinks to himself, “Okay, so far, so good.” He walks across the street to the other vehicle.

“One, O-N-E. Dodge, D-O…D…G-E. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H.”

Now the cop is feeling really confident. He strides to the middle of the highway, where he discovers the decapitated head of one of the unfortunate victims.

“One, O-N-E. Head, H-E-A-D. In the boulevard, B-U-L…B-L-U…B-O-L-L…B-I-L….”

The cop stops writing, takes a look around, and sends the head to the side of the road with his boot. With that, he hastily writes, “In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H.”

and I couldn’t help but admire it. “Nice car,” I said as he got out. “Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks, “Work hard, put the hours in, and I’ll have an even better one next year.” (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

Urgent and quick answers, plea

Once he stopped laughing he wrote me up for indecent exposure

It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.

She says – “I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph”

Officer – “That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road”

Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet.

He asks the driver whats wrong.

Her – “Oh, we just came off I-215”

…but he didn’t have root access.

“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we could do that. It would be about $75.”

The man thinks some more.

“What about if you used a trainee and no anesthetic?”

“Well,” said the dentist,” I think that could work, but it would be a lot more painful. I think that would be about $35.”

The man thought some more.

“That’s still a lot. What if you make it a training session with a student doing the extraction, and the other students can watch?”

The dentist says, “Ok, that would be good for the students, but it will be traumatic to have it done that way. I’ll charge you $5 for that.”

“Great,” said the man. “That’s perfect. Can I book my wife for her appointment on Wednesday?

He asked me “Ain’t she beautiful?”

I said “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife”

He replied with “ Why, is she a stunner as well?”

I said “ No, she’s an optician”

Credit: not mine but i can’t remember where I saw it

Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you going and what do you do?

Miner: mine

When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said

“NOTHING”

Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?

Guy- sorry officer, I’m drunk af

Cop-that’s not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

COP: Do you know how fast you were going?

DRIVER: Well, let’s see. My speedometer is 20 miles per hour off, so 55?

COP: You were doing 75.

DRIVER: It’s fixed!

He came to the window and said papers …

I said – scissors, I win – and drove off

He must be desperate for a rematch as he’s been chasing me for ages!

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

Cop: Do you know where you are?

Heisenberg: California, on a freeway.

Cop: That’s right. Speed limit here is 65. Do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg: No, officer.

Cop: 95 miles per hour!

Heisenberg: Oh great. Now I don’t know where I am.

Makes the crabs feel more at home.

That was when I realized he had a point.

A rookie police officer pulls an old biker over for speeding:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Biker: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

Biker: It’s not my bike. I stole it.

Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

Biker: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the tool bag?

Biker: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

Officer: There’s drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who’s motorcycle is this?

Biker: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Biker: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there’s drugs in them.

Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

Biker: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

“Look at what kids your age make in China!”