Planet Jokes

it fell flat

Wow. You guys have no life.

Neither, it is screwed.

for 95% recycled content.

“Oh I think it is pretty self-explanetory.”

They are greeted by armed forces. They inform us that our inferior weapons don’t stand a chance against them. The only way they will let us go is if we can make them laugh. However, they have seen all jokes there are on the internet and only a new original joke will work on them. Humanity gathers the greatest comedians and scientists to come up with an original joke but everyone’s opinion on what is a good joke turns out to be at conflict. Furious, one scientist proclaims that we have to know which of our earlier jokes the Aliens at least found funny. All the comedians and scientists agree on this. So a scientist goes to talk with the Aliens and ask them which of our old jokes they laughed at the most. The Aliens respond.

Aliens: “The one where this reality tv star becomes the ruler of the free world”

The scientist is taken aback and thinks for a second before responding.

Scientist: “But that wasn’t a joke. That actually happened”

The Aliens burst out laughing and leave the planet without saying a word.

Within a month of Trump taking office, NASA has discovered 10 earth like planets…

They say necessity is the mother of invention !!

Surprisingly he said “Nine”

The mere rotation of it makes my day!

I don’t know… It doesn’t have a name yet.

A: mArrrs!

Naptune

Except Earth…which is named after all that stuff on the ground.

Whenever it takes a bath, it always leaves a ring.

The residents of a town are fed up with all of the pollution from factories, littering, and toxic waste.

Finally, a townsperson says, “We need Captain Planet!”

A moment later, a superhero looking dude shows up and says, “Did someone summon me?

The townspeople rejoice, and cheer for their new savior.

The superhero gathers everyone together and puts together a basic strategy to fight the pollution.

Then he says, “Have fun, I’m outta here.”

The townspeople are confused and ask him, “Well wait, when do you start doing all this?”

He replies, “Me? I don’t do anything. You called for Captain Plan-it”

Lemme smash

Neptunes.

The Big Bang.

It has a ring to it.

Earth

A UF-hoe.

She said, “It’s Venus.”

Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?

but Bruno Mars (1.65m) is a star?

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien’s are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.

The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, “where’s the pub?”

The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, “just around the corner!”

The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It’s labelled “The Keyboard” and he asks the bouncer, “Why is it called the Keyboard?”

The bouncer replies, “the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he’s the bartender.”

So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.

“Excuse me, do you own this pub?” The astronaut says.

“I do.” The bartender gurgles back.

“Why is it called the Keyboard?” The man asks.

“Well,” the alien gurgles in reply, “since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!”

The astronaut is on the edge of his seat…

“The reason it’s called the Keyboard is because… it’s a space bar.”

Marie Curie

They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!

Because it’s crack-a-lackin’

Na-BOO!

It was to reinstate Pluto.

They call it Mars.

The first alien says, “The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”

The second alien asks, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”

The first alien says, “I don’t think so, they have aimed at themselves”

Otherwise why would we call ours “Earth” worms

He was out standing in his field

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it’s a fun roulette for the aliens too.

Having successfully taken over the Earth, they begin to populate the planet with their own species.

One such alien was feeling lonely so he asked his companion what he should do. He replied, “Why don’t you get yourself a pet from the ‘Good Old Living-being Dispenser’? There’s one nearby.”

So he decides to go get himself a pet. He went to the machine and requested a being. It rolled the dice and out came a elderly lady. She looked at the alien and said, “Aren’t you sweet for choosing me”

The alien said, “Thanks, G.O.L.D for the kind stranger”.

100% of humans die there

By this logic, all countries are third world countries

By shooting stars

There is a substance called ‘nue’. Once something falls in it, it can’t get out and will sink and suffocate. There was once a woman who owned a cat, and one day she insulted someone- but she didn’t know they were a super villain. So, the villain, being a villain, took her to his secret base, stole her cat and threw it in nue. As the girl screamed, the villain laughed and said, “this will die in nue!”

Pope: “Do you know Jesus?”

Alien: “Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year.”

Pope: “Every year?! It’s about two millennia and we’re still waiting for his second coming.”

Alien: “Maybe he didn’t like your chocolate.”

Pope: “Chocolate?”

Alien: “Every time he visits, we gather the best chocolate from each manufacturing plant and give them to him before he leaves. Why, what did you do the first time he came here?”

But it couldn’t B flat.

I bought a playstation 4.

The Xbox 1 X broke it.

SO I called the ambulance

The sound it made was

***WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U***

They look through the orbituaries.

And all they brought me was this lousy *-shirt.

maybe then republicans would want to save it.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it’s the Pope’s turn, he asks: “Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?”

“You mean JC?”, responds the alien. “Yeah, we know him! He’s the greatest, isn’t he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok”.

Surprised, the pope follows up with: “He visits every year?! It’s been over two millennia and we’re still waiting for his SECOND coming!”

The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize. “Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?”

The pope retorts “Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?”

The alien says “Yea, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?”

I guess nobody quite understood the gravity of the situation.

“Seen it.”

“Ok how about *The Shining*?”

“Watched it.”

“Ok how about *Reposts*?”

“Reddit.”

I come in pieces.

He wished to observe the predators up close in their natural habitat.

I’m just Saiyan

Because they’re so attractive!

Enviro Mental.

So anyways, why did the chicken cross the road?

It’s a Thor subject for them.

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

“What happened?” The man asks as he downs his drink.

“There’s a dragon 10km east from here.” The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east and sure enough there’s a dragon. It’s fire I swear hot enough to melt mountains but eventually the man manages to defeat it. A Hawaiian monk approaches the man.

“You seem very strong, do you mind helping me?” The Hawaiian monk asks.

“Sure, what do you need?” The man replies. The monk tells him of a hidden temple in the desert. So the man hires a private jet and flies into the desert where he meets a sphinx. The sphinx asks him a riddle.

“What walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon and three in the evening?”

After 13 hours the man figures out the answer, a human. The sphinx leads him to the temple. As the man goes through the temple he has to kill hundreds of penguins but finally he makes it to the top floor where there is a red jewel.

He picks up the jewel and a spaceship appears. Bored, the man gets into the spaceship and flies through the galaxy, exploring a ton of planets including Namek and Saturn. Finally the man finds a tiny planet with the surface area of a football pitch. He sets foot on it when a tree ambushes him.

“Hello, will you take me to earth?” The tree asks.

“Sure.” The man says.

“You’re a great dude so I’ll grant you one wish.” The tree promises.

“Could you make me a watch that measures time 100% accurately wherever I am?” The man asks.

“Do you realise how advanced that technology would need to be. It would need to take into account relativity, gravity, your velocity and tons of other factors.” The tree moans.

“Ok, can you stop people reposting on r/jokes whilst only changing the setup?” The man says.

“What kind of watch again?” The tree asks.

After a hearty meal and a good bottle of wine, they lay down to sleep.

Suddenly, in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes his trusted companion and asks “Watson, what do you see?” Rubbing his sleepy eyes, Watson answers: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“Correct, Watson, and what do you conclude from that?”

Watson thinks for a moment and then answers: “Well, temporally I conclude it is about 03:30 AM, astrologically I conclude that Venus is showing in the sign of Aquarius, astronomically I conclude that we are on a planet, orbiting the sun in a spiral arm of our galaxy, and religiously I conclude that God wants to show us with this splendour that we are but a small, insignificant speck of dust in the infinite grace of His creation. Why, Holmes? What do you mean?”

“Watson… somebody stole our tent.”

She has a watch for every time zone she’s in,

When she walks past the tv, you miss 8 seasons,

She beat galactus in a planet-eating contest,

Thanos couldn’t snap her out of existence,

Flash died before he could do a lap around her

And she ate a black hole because she was hungry

But No! Here we are, teaching people how to wash hands !!!

Alien 1 How advanced is that civilization?

Alien 2 They have discovered nuclear technology.

Alien 1 Oh boy… That’s pretty intelligent. We better keep our distance then from their missles.

Alien 2 Nah, they’re not that smart yet. They have em pointed at themselves.

An extraterrestrial landed his flying saucer in a man’s back yard. The man came out and the two started talking. Eventually, the man asked the extraterrestrial if they knew about Jesus on his planet.

“Oh, yes,” said the alien. “We know Jesus very well. In fact, he visits our world every year, and in preparation, all of our candy factories make the finest chocolate for him. He loves chocolate.”

“That’s strange,” said the man. “He visits your world every year? He only came to earth once, 2000 years ago, and hasn’t been back since.”

The alien asked, “what did you do for him when he was here?”

Because Clark Can’t.

So aliens come to earth and they’re Sooo nice. There’s a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, “Do you know of Jesus Christ?”

The aliens say, “Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!”

The Pope exclaims, “Every couple of years?? What!!?? We’re still waiting for his second coming!”

The alien replies, “Maybe he didn’t like your chocolate?”

The Pope is flabbergasted, “What does chocolate have to do with anything?”

The alien says, “Well when he came the first time, we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys give him?

*Edit thank you all for letting everyone know you saw this on YouTube or an internet cartoon 5-10 years ago. I read this first in the Readers Digest back in 1988 ish and I’m sure that if you picked up the 1847 microfiche of the London Times, you’d probably find it there as well. Actually, Jimmy Stamos was the first recorded individual to tell this joke back in January 1692. Unfortunately for him, he was put on trial the next month. He made so many people laugh, he was tried as a witch.*

*2nd Edit: Many people messaging me saying that the joke couldn’t have been from Jimmy Stamos in 1692 because they didn’t have televised events. Here’s the original translation*

So aliens cometh to earth and those gents’re sooo nice. Th’re’s In all the pap’rs nonce with all the w’rld leadeth’rs in attendance.

the pope asks, “do thee knoweth of jesus christ?”

the aliens sayeth, “do we ev’r? most wondrous guy!! swings by the planet ev’ry couple of years to sayeth good morrow!”

the pope exclaims, “ev’ry couple of years?? what!!?? we’re still waiting f’r his second coming!”

the alien replies, “maybe that gent didn’t liketh thy chocolate?”

the pope is flabb’rgasted, “what doest chocolate has’t to doth with aught?”

the alien sayeth, “well at which hour that gent cameth the first timeth, we gaveth that gent a huge boxeth of chocolates! wherefore? what didst thee guys giveth that gent?

*edit thanketh thee all f’r letting ev’ryone knoweth thee did see this on youtube ‘r an int’rnet cartoon 5-10 years ago. I readeth this first in the readeth’rs digest backeth in 1988 ish and i’m sure yond if ‘t be true thee pick’d up the 1847 microfiche of the london times, thee’d belike findeth t th’re as well. Actually, jimmy stamos wast the first rec’rd’d individual to bid this gleek backeth in january 1692. Unf’rtunately f’r that gent, that gent wast putteth on trial the next month. That gent madeth so many people chuckle, that gent wast hath tried as a beldams*

Edit 3: and apparently Jimmy Stamos had to edit his joke as well at the end.

If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.

Those who can extrapolate information based upon the given context

Remarkably similar to Earthly blossoms, but they had feet and human intelligence.

The whole planet was ruled by a king called Richard the Artichoke-Heart, and one day at a court orgy his eye was caught by Fuchsia, a pale-eyed perennial. Her beauty was so great it almost made up for her stupidity.

Refusing to believe the ancient principle that beauty times brains equals a constant, the smitten monarch engaged royal tutors of all sorts for Fuchsia, from Mathematicians, to Scientists, to Historians, but to no avail. All failed to engage the attention of the witless concubine, whose only apparent interest was in gathering pollen. At last, the embarrassed Richard gave up and had Rotenone slipped into her soup.

As he exclaimed to his prime minister later that night,

“I can lead a horticulture, but I can’t make her think!”

Almost all content is now post-consumer recycled

Alien Scout: “Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.”

Alien Commander: “This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?”

Alien Scout: “Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.”

If it was cats would have pushed everything not nailed down off the edge.

Because laughter is the best medicine.

And if the rumours are true, they’re gonna do it again, it’s gonna be a new world order.

He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent alone on the ship, he became adept at building small robots to help him complete his tasks. He formed relationships with the little bots, but he found he missed the companionship of real humans. He would take small stints in the cryogenic chambers in order to prolong his life, so as to complete his mission of getting his friends and family to their new home. He didn’t want to wake anyone to take over his duties and suffer the loneliness of space travel. But a long life with no one real to talk to is lacking.

With his knowledge of robotics, he took it upon himself to build an artificial human. Something that looked real. Something that felt real. Something that would make the unbearable loneliness go away.

He didn’t feel right copying the likeness of any members of the sleeping crew, so he modeled the robot on himself. By the time he was done, there “he” was, a perfect replica of Jacques himself. He named the robot Jacques 2.0, because who else was there to get confused? And as he grew older, it would be easier to remember his own name, he figured.

Well, years passed as they are wont to do. He grew old and frail on the journey, but Jacques 2.0 remained young and spry, helping his creator to complete the tasks the old man’s bones could no longer handle.

As the old man lay dying, he asked his robotic companion to do him a favor. He wanted his remains to be scattered among the stars, the asteroids, and the comets they passed. He did not want to be buried on a planet he would never see, but instead live on in the vastness of space that had become his home. So when the day finally came, Jacques 2.0 sent his creator’s ashes out of the airlock and into the universe.

But the journey was not over. Jacques 2.0 carried on his creator’s duties for years and helped the crew arrive on their new home. As the ship grew close to the planet, the crew began to wake up. One by one they woke from their long sleep and travelled to the observation deck to see their new home. When they arrived, though, they found themselves in complete shock. There was Jacques, as lively and youthful as ever, waiting for them.

“How can this be?” They asked. “Surely, you would at the very least be an old, old man by now. It has been so long since we left Earth.”

Jacques 2.0 raised his hands slightly in a calming gesture and said, “Do not worry. I am here to send you a message of love and care from Jacques. I was created to help him complete his mission. I may look like him, but in truth, I am not him. For you see,” and with this he gestured towards the stars and space above their heads, “the real Jacques is in the comets.”

p.s. So long and thanks for all the (gilded) fish!

p.p.s. wont* (knew I should have looked it up before I wrote it. Ya ever have one of those words you’ve said out loud, but realize you’ve never actually written down before? Thanks ferns)

Those who can extrapolate omitted data using existing data.

Pannub, as his friends called him, had never had much luck with the ladies and was horribly shy due to his terribly crooked teeth. After years of loneliness Pannub decided to do something about his problem and flew to Leia’s planet, which everyone knows was well known for their excellent orthodontists.

He left his appointment feeling better than he had in years. Rather than going straight home to Kashyyyk, he figured he would hit the singles bars and try his luck. That’s when the Death Star struck. He died in the tragedy having never found love.

He was Wookie Pannub in Alderaan braces.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth…wasn’t. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

“Mary…I’ve not much time left. So I want to ask you something that’s bothered me for many a day. Please tell me the truth…is Aiden really my son?”

Mary says “Seamus, as God is my witness I swear on all that’s good and holy that Aiden is indeed your child.”

With that Seamus breathed a sigh of relief, his last breath in this world. Mary closed his eyes, pulled the blanket over his face and said:

“Whew…thank God he didn’t ask about the other three!”

… I heard Miss Parkman died.

It’s PASTEURISED before you even see it!