Pilot Jokes

They like it plane

One asks “Why did you become a pilot?”

He responds “To overcome my fears”

He asks “Which ones? Heights?”

He responds “Dying alone”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap…you should see my pants!!”

r>A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

“Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights.”

Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.

The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

“Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second best pilot

in the world with over five thousand successful flights.”

At this point the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn’t left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed and the passengers scream, “Oh my God, we’re all going to die!!”

Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.

The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, “The day they stop screaming, we’re screwed.”

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.

In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says :

“You know what? One day they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all going to die”

In court, the prosecutor asked him why on earth he would do such a thing.

The pilot met his eye and proudly declared:

“Sir, I am a highly decorated fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames.”

But they touch down too fast and the plane runs off the end of the runway.

After the smoke clears, the one pilot says to the other, “That runway was a lot shorter than I remember.”

The other pilot says, “Yeah… and a lot wider than I remember it too.”

A professional photographer is assigned to cover some of the wildfires that have been rampaging across a national park. His editor tells him to try to get some closeups of the fire fighters that are battling the wildfires.

When he gets to the forest, the photographer discovers thick smoke which will make it impossible for him to get any decent shots. So he decides to rent an airplane and do some aerial photography. He gets permission from his editor, and is told to report at a nearby airport, where a small aircraft will be on the tarmac waiting for him.

Upon arrival at the airport, he sees a plane warming up, so he jumps in with his bag of equipment, and says “Let’s go!”

In no time at all, the pilot is taxiing down the runway, and the plane heads into the sky.

“What I’d like you to do,” says the photographer to the pilot, “is fly over the national park where the wildfire is, and get as close to the ground as you dare to go, making a few low passes, so I can take some photos.”

“Why?” asks the pilot. “Isn’t it obvious?” says the man, “I’m a photographer, and photographers take photos.”

The pilot is completely silent for a moment. Finally he stammers, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

After a week without hearing anything from his side, he begins to despair. Just when he’s about to give up, he manages to find a plane in pristine condition! After familiarizing himself with the controls, he takes off towards home, with the enemy none the wiser.

However, on the way back, he is spotted by an anti-aircraft emplacement and gets shot down near Edinburgh. The townsmen drag him out and begin beating him.

“I’m English,” says the pilot, “I stole the plane!” The townsmen continue hitting him.

“Here are my identification papers!” yells the pilot, pulling them out. “I serve the Crown!” The townsmen continue hitting him.

“Stop!” implores the pilot. “Would you please just give me a moment to explain!”

Finally one of his attackers addresses him. “Fur feck’s sake would ya give it a rest pal! We heard ya the first time!”

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!” The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”

“Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

Welcome to flight club

“I keep missing the ships, I need some help!”

And the instructor said, “OK fine, I’ll show you how, but I’m only going to do this once…”

By the time a Navy pilot pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.” “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Marine pilot,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Navy pilot assured him. “I’ll take it.” The next morning the Navy Pilot came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” Asked the manager. “Never better.” The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?” “Nope, I shut him up in no time.” Said the Navy pilot. “How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ …and he sat up all night watching me.”

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot.

“Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!”

The bomber pilot replies, “Oh, yeah? Let’s see you do this!” and keeps flying straight and level.

The fighter jock asks, “Um… What did you do?”

The B-52 pilot says, “I just shut down two engines.”

Sara always replied, “I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, “Sara, I’m eighty-five years old. If I don’t ride that airplane, I might never get another chance.”

Sara replied, “Mike, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you; but if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”

Mike and Sara agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Mike and said, “My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Mike replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Sara fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

They are as follows:

– The pilot (Obviously)

– The president of the USA

– The world’s smartest man

– A student from a local school.

Suddenly, an alarm sounds. The pilot runs into the passenger cabin and says:

“I don’t want to alarm you, but there seems to be a problem with the engine. We’re all going down!”

The passengers and the pilot need to evacuate, but there’s a problem: There are only three parachutes in the plane. One person has to stay behind.

The president says, “I’m the president! My country needs me!” He grabs a parachute, puts it over his back and jumps out.

The world’s smartest man says, “I’m the world’s smartest man! I must stay alive to show everybody my great, amazing inventions!” He grabs a bag from the same area where the president took his parachute, puts it over his back and jumps out.

Now there are two passengers left, and seemingly only one parachute.

“Well,” the pilot says to the student, “I guess you can have the parachute. I suppose the captain goes down with his ship.

“Actually,” the student says. There is NOT one parachute, there are two!”

The pilot is confused. “How come?”

“The world’s smartest man jumped out with my school backpack!”

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

“Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.”

The fighter pilot, feeling superior, gets on the radio and tells the refueling pilot to watch this. The fighter pilot goes through an array of aerial acrobatics. Tight twists, loops, and s-curves. He gets back on the radio and tells the refueling pilot he must be jealous cause his plane cant do that.

The refueling pilot says oh yeah, watch this. For the next 10 minutes the refueling plane flew straight as an arrow. Then the pilot got on the radio and said did you see that? The fighter pilot confused said you just flew straight. That’s not fun. The refueling pilot said no, I got up and went to the bathroom and grabbed my steak off the stove and had dinner.

“Top that!” he shouts to the cargo pilot.

“Ok, well watch this.” says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

“How’d you like that?” asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, “What did you do?”

The cargo pilot replies, “I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee.”

A British World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

“In 1942,” he says, “the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, ” he continues, “one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fockers appeared.

(At this point, several of the children giggle.)

I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another focker behind me.”

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, “I think I should point out that ‘Focke-Wulf’ was the name of the German fighter aircraft. “

“That’s true, Mam” says the pilot, “but these fockers were flying Messerschmidts.”

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting “Boeing Boeing Boeing”.

The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, walks up to her and says “Be silent”.

After a couple of seconds the blonde starts jumping again on her seat shouting “Oeing Oeing Oeing”*

And this is okay but I’d like them slightly longer:

*Aman called his twin brother from prison.

“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”*

This is a true story of a poor ditzy blond flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

The pilot has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic,calls out a May Day.

“May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don’t know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!”

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

“This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!”

She says, “I’m 5’4 and i’m in the front seat.”

(pause)

“O.K.” says the voice in the radio…….

“Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven……..”

Passengers: *start freaking out*

Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when!

Passengers: *sigh with relief*

Pilot: but it’ll probably be when we hit this mountain!!

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!”

The pilot responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you before. This is Air Force One…”

…landed his AirBus A320 at London’s Heathrow Airport. An operations manager saw him deplaning and asked him if he had any trouble landing the plane since it was a bit windy.

“Nein,” the pilot answered, “I let Otto land the plane.”

“Otto? Is that your co-pilot?”

“Nein, my co-pilot was Frederick, and I would not trust my life with him, or my passengers.”

Startled, the Ops guy asked, “So, then who is Otto?”

“Otto-pilot, perfect landing every time.”

They approach the ground, but they really struggle with the runway. The plane nearly crashes, but they finally are able to land it.

“Jesus,” one pilot says. “That was the shortest runway ever.”

“Yeah, and did you see how wide it was?”

A man stood up and followed the stewardess.

··· After several minutes.

Stewardess: “Are there any pilots among our passengers?”

Sweat pouring off their brows, they bring the 737 down quickly. As soon as the wheels touch they throw the engines into reverse, stand on the brakes as hard as they can and cry “Stop! Please stop!” The plane stops an inch from the end of the runway. The pilot says “That was the shortest runway I ever saw! And the copilot says “Yeah, but look how WIDE it is!”

Plane English

They were coming down with the flew.

Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.

She replied, “It was getting chilly in there, so I turned off the fan.”

“DAMNIT!” a young airman yells as he slams his phone onto the bar.

“Tom, calm down! What’s got you so riled up?” his buddy says to him.

“I just read an article that says women wanna hook up with amateur pilots over good looking pilots like us that keep the skies safe” Tom says.

>”Relax Tom, it has nothing to do with how we look or how safe we make them” his friend says.

“Then what is it?” Tom retorts.

“Women just want to hook up with a man that’ll go down without a fight.”

Watch closely. I’m only gonna show this once

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; “Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours.”

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.

Climbing out of the wreck, Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?”

Mick replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

“One day, I and my wingman were escorting some bombers to their target. A swarm of fokkers came out of nowhere and started shooting at us. I managed to shoot one of the fokkers down, but another fokker was right on my tail. My wingman shot down that fokker…”

The students started giggling hearing this. The teacher looked angrily at the pilot and said “Children, perhaps I should make it clear that Fokker is the name of a German aircraft.”

The pilot replied, “Yes, but these fokkers were Messerschmitts!”

ohh, he will tell you.

Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, “Hey watch what I can do.” With that, he leaves the C-130’s side and performs a series of barrel rolls.

“That’s nothing” says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike.

“I bet I can do something you can’t” he says.

“Yeah, right, prove it” says one of the F-16 pilots.

“Watch this,” says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-16 pilot comes back on the mic and says

“We didn’t see anything, you liar”

“You’re the liar” the C-130 pilot says, “I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump”

What do aircraft propellers say to good pilots?

“I’m a huge fan.”

Because he saw the airstrip

In 2016 during their tour,

21 Pilots performed in Brighton, Australia.

.

For that particular show,

For the entire show they sang their yet to be released songs.

Audience were enjoying at the beginning, by 1 hour mark they were demanding their hits to be performed.

They they said,

“Now we will play something that you may have heard before.”

Crowd cheers like crazy.

They start singing the first song they sang that day.

True story.

“I was flying along in my Spitfire, and visibility was poor, but all of a sudden the fog lifted, and I saw these fokkers coming up behind me. I dived on them and shot two of the fokkers down, then did a quick roll, but there was a little fokker right on my tail, and I had to …”

At this point, the Headmistress intervenes. “Girls, Fokker was a manufacturer of aircraft, used by the Luftwaffe.”

“Very true, ma’am!” says the RAF pilot. “But these fokkers were Messerschmidts.”

The pilot you frickin’ racist!

What do you expect, he was just a wookie

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying

around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the

aircraft’s navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the

helicopter’s position and course to get back to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it,

the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading,

“WHERE AM I?”, and hold it up for the building’s occupants to

see.

People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a

large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said, “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the

course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how

the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their

position.

The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the Microsoft

support building, they gave me a technically correct but

entirely useless answer.”

The copilot shook his head. “Look, I’m not gonna rat you out to air traffic control,” he said. “But please, *please* stop asking me to call you ‘The Highlander.”

He had a bad altitude.

After walking up the steps onto the airplane, he vanished into FinnAir.

“The fear of flying?”, I asked.

“No,” said dad. “The fear of dying alone.”

Co-pilot: No. Typically I fly much higher than this.

A man applied for a job delivering mail to remote areas by plane. The human resources officer showed him the employment contract.

He said, “you need to be aware that the U.S. Post Office has a tradition of delivering the mail no matter what, even in bad weather. So that means you will have to fly in bad weather.”

The man said he understood.

Pointing at the contract, the HR guy said, “now, here’s a clause that says you fly in rain storms. Here’s a clause that says you fly in snow storms. And here’s a clause that says you fly in hail storms.”

The man asked, “what about sand storms?”

The HR guy replied, “at your age, you should know there’s no sandy clause.”

He was grounded

Donald looks down on the cities below and says “I think I’ll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says “Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?”

So then Ivanka says “Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?” To that the pilot says ” Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?”

He tells about a dogfight he was in. “There were Fokkers to the right, Fokkers to the left, Fokkers above and Fokkers below.” The teacher says, “Children, Fokkers are a type of airplane.” Pilot says, “Yeah, except these Fokkers were Messerschmitts. “

The Norwegian dropped an orange off the plane. The pilot repeated: “Too much weight! Too much weight!”

The Swede dropped a banana peel. Yet again there was the request: “Too much weight! Too much weight!”

The Finn dropped a bomb. When the plane finally landed, the Finn, Swede and Norwegian went for a walk and eventually ran into a crying boy.

“Why are you crying?”

“An orange hit me in the head!”

They moved on and after a while ran into a crying girl.

“Why are you crying?”

“I slipped on a banana peel…”

After a few more minutes on the road, they met a girl and a boy who were laughing with tears in their eyes.

“What’s got you so happy?”

“Our teacher farted so hard the school blew up!”

Because she had way too much excess baggage.

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

‘some guy in the back raises his hand’

“Every Tuesday?”

the plane is going down, the pilots bailed, it’s going to crash.

there’s 4 of them and only 3 parachutes …

tiger woods says “i’m the best golfer in the world, i think i should get a parachute.”

everyone agrees, tiger woods takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane.

elon musk says “i’m the smartest man in the world, i think i should get a parachute.”

everyone agrees, elon musk jumps out of the plane.

the pope tells the college student “my son, take this last parachute and live a long happy life.”

the college student says “we can both go. the smartest man just jumped out with my backpack.”

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather

jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’

The guy replies, ‘I’ m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.’

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’ The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

‘Just a minute,’ says the good father. ‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

‘Up here – we go by results,’ says Saint Peter. ‘When you preached – people slept. When he flew, people prayed.

A politician, an oil baron and their pilot crash in the middle of the ocean. They eventually end up on an island, and the three decide to split up and meet back at the beach at sunset.

When they meet back up, the politician returned with 4 fish, the oil baron found what he needed to build an open fire, and the pilot found a mysteriously sealed bottle. With each man getting their one fish, the politician was going to grab the last fish when the oil baron slapped his hand.

They got into an argument, with the politician believing since he spent all day catching fish, he deserved his extra. The oil baron disagreed and said that he supplied the material needed to cook the fish and so it should be his. The conflict escalated, and as they were about to start a fist fight, the pilot sat back and was nervously rubbing his bottle.

All of a sudden, the bottle’s cork flew off, and a huge green genie appeared in front of them, muscular arms crossed in front of him. “You have freed me, weary traveler!” he booms at the pilot. “I was dropped in the middle of the ocean centuries ago, and now, to thank you, I shall give you three wishes, as is custom.”

The pilot stopped the genie and asked if instead of giving him three wishes if he could give each of them one, with which the genie generously agreed.

The pilot has thought about this before, and he was going to say his wish, but out of fury, the politician pointed at the oil baron and spit out, “I wish all greedy people like him would disappear!”

The genie laughed, and was going to grant the wish, until the oil baron said, “well I wish all power-hungry people like HIM disappeared!”

The genie looked concerned, and so asked the pilot for his wish. Thinking for a few minutes, the pilot then tells the genie “I’d like my plane fixed, good as new.”

All three look at the pilot, confused by his modest wish. “You can ask for ANYTHING. Why would you only wish for that?” says an astonished politician. “Well, I was going to wish for world peace,” said the pilot, “but you two seemed to have taken care of that.”

A master of da skies.

**’In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to**

**get into heaven.’**

**The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said.**

**It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said**

**The Navy C-2 pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’**

**Saint Peter said, ‘they had a ring to them, you may pass through the pearly gates’.**

**The Air Force fighter pilot started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’spanties..**

**St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’**

**He replied, ‘These are Carols.’**

**And So The Christmas Season Begins. . .**

300 people died

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left.

“Katie, do you have a story to share?”

”Yes ma’am… My daddy told me a story about my mom.”

“OK, let’s hear it,” said the teacher.

“My mom was a Marine pilot in Iraq and her plane got hit.”

“She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.”

“She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy fighters.”

“She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last one with her bare hands.”

”Oh my!” said the horrified teacher. “What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this story?”

“Stay away from Mommy when she’s drunk!!!”

He awakens bound by natives, and is dragged to a clearing in front of the tribe. Next to him is a large tree-stump and an absolutely massive native.

The natives are are cheering and hooting wildly, until the chieftain holds up his hand, bringing instant silence and rapt attention.

He booms out in a loud voice, “DEATH, OR OOGA-BOOGA?”

The pilot is in no hurry to die, and ooga-booga sounds harmless enough, so he tentatively replies, “… Ooga-booga?”

The natives absolutely lose their minds, jumping around, playing a cacophony of instruments, and screaming at the top of their lungs. Their chieftain simply nods in approval, and gestures to the massive native standing next to the pilot.

Suddenly the pilot is seized by a group of natives, and quickly tied to the trees-tump, where he is unceremoniously and viciously sodomized by the massive native, to within an inch of his life.

After the terrible ordeal, the crowd’s raving subsides, and the chieftain holds up his hand again for silence.

The poor pilot can barely raise his head from the stump to look up at the chieftain, who asks:

“DEATH, OR OOGA-BOOGA?”

The pilot has had enough, robbed of his freedom, pride and knowing the same question will simply be asked again of him, he replies, “I choose death…”

A tense silence follows as the chieftain looks down upon him, then around at his subjects.

He rises to his feet, and raises his hands to the sky, declaring in a roaring voice:

“DEATH!!!”

“BY OOGA-BOOGA!”

Me: Simba

“I use Arch btw”

He wasn’t a very skilled mechanic.

Apparently at least 22

Luftwaffles.

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. “Its only 50 dollars” he would say. Every year Lucille would say “50 dollars is fifty dollars” and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th trip to the state Fair James asked to go on the helicopter flight, and Lucille told him that 50 dollars was still 50 dollars.

The helicopter pilot heard their conversation and felt a bit sorry for James. He approached them and told them that he would give them both a ride for free if neither one said a word for the whole flight. If either one said a single word he would charge them the 50 dollars. James and Lucille agree.

The pilot takes off and climbs as fast as he can and immediately goes into a dive, but he doesn’t hear a word from the couple. He flys in circles, climbs and dives, zigs, zags, and everything in between. The couple never say a word. Finally he lands the helicopter.

Over the head set he says “I’m really impressed. I did every thing I could to get a reaction from you two.”

James says “well, I almost told you to stop when Lucille fell out, but hey, 50 doolars is 50 dollars.”

Too many flights

Desperately, they throw out whatever they have on them. Charles throws out his teapot, Angus throws out his bagpipes and Patrick throws out a bomb. The helicopter recovers and they land safely.

When Charles gets home, he finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, he replies “A teapot fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her”.

When Angus gets home, he too finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, he replies “A set of bagpipes fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her”.

When Patrick gets home, he finds his father in the garden laughing uncontrollably. When he asks him what happened, he replies “As I bent over to tie my shoes, I farted and next doors’ house blew up!”.

Too much drag

He hadn’t broken the sound barrier yet.

He’s found, in very bad shape, and transferred to the medical wing of a German prisoner of war camp. After a week, the doctors tell him that the infection in his left leg means they’re going to have to amputate. “OK,” says the airman. “Just, if you would, do me one favour. Drop the leg over my airbase in England.” The Germans think this is an odd request, but they can’t see anything particularly wrong with it so they agree. The following week, the infection has spread to his right leg and they decide they have to amputate that too. The airman makes the same request for the amputated limb to be dropped over his base and they agree. By the third week, the infection has spread to the unlucky airman’s left arm, and they announce they have to take it off too. The man again asks the Germans to drop it over his base but, this time, they refuse. “Nien, zis ve cannot do.” “Why?” asks the airman, confused. “Ve zink you are trying to escape.”

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

Because she still enjoyed pushing the envelope.

Both are King of Pop.

credit to iBeej for this one!

Their names are Andrew and Harry

Need proof?

Watch how much they “sweat” when it stops spinning!

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?