Passive Jokes

Unlike *some* people.

“Who’s there?”

“Passive-aggressive girlfriend.”

“Passive-aggressive girlfriend who?”

“IF YOU DONT KNOW IM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU!!!”

Kathy.

You know who you are.

Unlike SOME people I know.

“Your reputation will be ruined by this! YOU’RE GONNA BE KILLED BY ME!!”

“Why is she talking like that?” I asked my friend.

“Oh, don’t mind her,” he said. “She’s just really passive aggressive.”

You know what, nevermind. It’s fine.

The so-be-it union (one of my original jokes)

The cop was pretty passive about the sentence he handed me.

I don’t know, let me go check my Facebook feed.

The dean says “While we know you are doing well in your engineering studies, there some very troubling reports from your core curriculum professors. In English, your professor says you constantly use the passive voice in your essays; your art history professor says you are constantly confusing Caravaggio with Michelangelo; and your Latin professor says you can’t get any of the declensions forms right. These are very serious allegations indeed.”

“But sir, I don’t understand what the big deal is, these are just minor mistakes…”

“Minor mistakes? These are crimes against humanities!”

You know what, never mind. Forget I even mentioned it…

He tries finding the expiration date on the marriage cirtifficate

“…ugh nevermind”

“Purr my last email…”

I told him to please move on in life.

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting “I don’t give two hoots for your shoes man, I’ll go and kill my own “croc!,” to which the shopkeeper replied, “by all means, just watch out for those two “ole boys” who are doing the same!”. So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. ‘They must be the ‘ole boys’ he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed “Darn! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”.

Oh never mind, I’ll just sit here in the dark…

Don’t bother, I’ll do it myself.

A Sighcylops.

Thanks!

Queso? (K……so?)

I offer from the Internet, the following tip sheet, “How to Write Good”:

– It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

– Contractions aren’t necessary

– The passive voice is to be avoided.

– Prepositions are not the words to end sentences with.

– Be more or less specific.

– Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

– One-word sentences? Eliminate.

– Who needs rhetorical questions?

– Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

So I was at a restaurant with my family and this woman came up with a child. She looked about 40 with blonde hair. The child looked about 5 with also blonde hair. The child was crying at the time and the woman started to nag at us. Apparently, the child wanted a dessert and, lucky for us, we were the only people in the area who happened to have milkshakes. The woman passive-aggressively asked us to either buy one or let the “angel” have some. We politely declined, as we didn’t have any cash, and were also a little under the weather with colds. She then demanded from us that we needed to give some kind of dessert for her child who was now sobbing. By now, staff gets involved and they start pulling her away, but she breaks free and starts just pulling my leg.

Just like how I’m pulling yours.

Eyes, in deep despair, looking up, said in a passive tone, “wazzup brow”

I pass other drivers and then aggressively speed towards the next one.

By the river, and on the Russian and Chinese border there was two soldiers standing as posts for some decade years. A Chinese on south side and the Russian on North side. One day the Russian started to make signals to the Chinese. The Chinese was puzzled. The Russian wanted to ask him if he was a paratrooper, so he put his arms high and made a wide arc with his hands, and showed a falling leave. Chinese was not answering. So, the Russian thought, maybe he is with the Navy Seals then, and showed some swimstrokes with his arms… No, the Chinese didnt do any kind of move to respond. Hmm, Russian thought, maybe he is a Tankdriver, so he showed with his arms like you manouvre two sticks back and forth. Chinese didnt answer. Then the Russian was puzzled… Well, maybe I am wrong, he is not in attacking, maybe he is in passive role like, hmm.. reconnaissance.. So, he put his hand like he hold a binocular by his eyes. The Chinese ran away all the way to the HQ to complain. The Colonel said, You know it is a death penalty to leave your post ??. Yes, the Chinese soldier said, that is way better than that Russian, that got crazy over there. – How come ??, the Colonel replied. Well, see, this Russian and I have stud across this river as posts for over 30 years. All sudden he got mad. He Told me: When the sun go Down, I swim across the river, take you from the behind, until your eyes pop out !!!!

Sit children, and let me tell you the tale of a guy who was caught in a predicament.

One day a guy was mowing his lawn. He was about a 6, so let’s call him that. 6 was mowing his lawn until a dog came running down the street. 6 chased the dog until he caught him. He turned around and saw that a beautiful girl had been chasing the dog too. She was a 9, so lets call her 9. 9 thanked 6 for getting her dog. 6 asked for her number. His palms sweat while 9 made her decision. Success!

6 and 9 started going on dates. Before they knew it, they were in a relationship.

Fast forward a little bit, and in enters 7. 7 is another girl that 6 meets, and she is a 7, so that’s why we will call her 7.

6 and 7 start hanging out. 6 thinks that they are just friends, but 7 is romantically interested. One day, 6 introduces 9 to 7. 7 gets extremely jealous and starts being very passive aggressive to 9.

A couple weeks later, 9 tells 6 that 7 had been sending her death threats over FaceBook. She asked 6 to make her stop, and 6 did send her messages over FB, asking her to stop, but 7 didn’t reply.

4 weeks later, 6 hasn’t heard from either 9 nor 7 over facebook, and he starts to get worried. He is pacing the floor when suddenly, a knock comes at the door. He opens it and waiting for him is a police officer. Officer holds up a picture of 9 and asks, “Is this your girlfriend?”

“Yes,” 6 replies. His palms start to get sweaty, sweaty like they did a month or two ago when he asked for 9’s number, but it didn’t feel the same.

The officer proceeds to say that 7 had committed suicide in her room an that they found remains of 9 in her stomach during the autopsy.

Why was the 6 afraid of the 7?

Passive incum

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.

He found Mable and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.

Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was please to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear. Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist my charms.” “Don’t worry about me, love,” answered Mabel, “I’m just trying on the sneakers.”

It was the passive aggression of the Christ.

I know because they keep writing letters about it to their friends.

He told me me Yin and Yang channels were out of balance. He said some of my meridians were open too much, and some were blocked.

I told him: “I’ve been feeling cold, slow, and passive recently. I think my Yang meridians are closed.”

He said, “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just like, your open Yin, man.”

When I fired the pool boy, she said, “Well, you know, you’re only firing him because he’s so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you’re projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with.”

I said, “Honey…we don’t have a pool.”

Passive-Agressive Psycho turns 5 next week

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

Well, we’re sure you’re really busy with all of your important things.

So, we’ll just have to wait, until you feel that we’ve waited long enough, and maybe then, you’ll be able to find some time for others.

It’s fine.

Passive aggressive income

She is currently winning 73 to 68

The explorer glared at King Kong in awe, and approached him slowly. King Kong seemed to be quite passive, so the explorer slowly reached out and shyly touched him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest and roared mightily.

As the explorer ran for his life, King Kong set off in hot pursuit. Instinctively the explorer headed for the heart of the jungle, hoping that he might be able to hide from his manic pursuer, but wherever he tried to conceal himself, King Kong always managed to find him.

As night began to fall, the explorer prayed that he would be able to lose the gorilla in the darkness but no matter how fast he ran, the sound of King Kong’s pounding footsteps was just behind him.

For three long days and nights, the explorer ran through the island, with King Kong always close behind, occasionally letting out a menacing roar from his vast throat. Eventually the explorer reached the coast. There were no ships in sight for an easy escape, so he realized the only option was to dive into the sea and hope that King Kong couldn’t swim. But to his horror, the gorilla jumped in straight after him and demonstrated an excellent front crawl.

On and on they swam across the ocean, rarely separated by more than a few waves, until four months later the weary explorer arrived in Brazil. He scrambled ashore with as much energy as he could muster, only to see the mighty King Kong right behind him, still beating his chest ferociously and with steam billowing from his nostrils. Through the streets of Rio they stumbled, explorer and ape equally exhausted, until the explorer took a wrong turn and ended up down a dead end, his escape barred by a huge wall.

With nowhere left to run, he sank to his knees in despair and pleaded to King Kong: “Do whatever you want with me. Kill me, eat me, do what you like, but make it quick. I can’t run anymore!”

King Kong slowly stalked over to the cowering explorer, extended his giant paw, then gently touched the man and roared: ‘TAG, YOU’RE IT!”

“I Order you to serve 2 years incarcerated, 2 years active probation, 1 year of passive probation, 400 hours of community service, evidence of completion of an education service approved by the court, submit to a mental health evaluation…,” etc., etc..

Yeah, it was a run-on sentence.

– 6 figure passive income

– An empty calendar

– My forever home, paid off

– Vacation home in Maui

– 2 Teslas (S and X)

– Live-in nanny to help us with the kids

And yep I was right, I don’t have any of that