Monkey Jokes

“No it doesn’t.”

The joke is reposted.

A monkey enters a bar and orders a coke. The bartender, surprised by the fact that there is a monkey in his bar, gives the coke and thinks: it’s just a monkey! He doesn’t understand money! So he asks a really high price. Once the monkey has paid, he talks with the monkey for a bit. “There’s very few monkey at this bar.” The bartender says. “No wonder!” The monkey replies. “Just a coke is prohibitively expensive!”

Oooh, oooh, ah, Aahhh!

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly “mmm… that was some good lion meat!”.

The lion abruptly stops and says “Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can”.

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily “Get on my back, we’ll get him together”.

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts “Where the hell is that monkey?? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!!”

Monkeys are harder to catch even thought they both grow in trees!

Title is stolen from a comment, the rest is from my twisted mind.

His mother looked at him and said calmly : “Lower your voice, don’t say that, he can hear you”.

The kid replied: “Don’t worry mom, monkeys don’t understand our language”.

He watches her for a few minutes, as she dips the peel, keeps it under water, and then takes it out, watches the water a bit, repeats. Finally, the lion gives up trying to make sense of the sequence.

“Hey, monkey”

“Hey, lion”

“What in the world are you doing?”

“Ten bucks and I will explain”

The lion pays her.

“Thanks. I’m dipping a banana peel in the water”

“Wtf, monkey? You’re the biggest idiot I’ve ever seen!”

“Sure, I’m an idiot, but I’m making $40 an hour.”

Monkey 1: Oooh oooh oooh aaah aaah aaah

Monkey 2: Calm down, it isn’t that hot

A man goes into a bar with a pet monkey. He sits at the bar and has a drink, but the monkey runs all over the place, jumping on tables and knocking over drinks. Finally, the monkey jumps on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, and swallows it. The bartender shouts, “Hey, you, get that monkey out of here and don’t come back unless he is trained.”

Six months later, the guy comes back with the monkey. They both sit quietly at the bar, and the guy asks for a drink for himself and some peanuts for the monkey. The bartender says, “You got that monkey trained pretty well.”

The guy says, “Yeah, he’s pretty smart.”

The monkey takes a peanut, stands up on the bar stool, and shoves the peanut in his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender says, “Why in the hell did he do that.”

The guy says, “Oh. Ever since that cue ball, he measures everything.”

The first monkey says: Oe-aa-ie-aa-oe.

The second monkey says: Shall I add some cold water?

A Grandmother buys a bag of peanuts so her Grandson can feed the monkeys at the Zoo. Upon receiving a peanut one monkey inserted the hull rectally, nodded, then extracted and devoured it. The Grandmother informed the Head Zookeeper of the animals’ aberrant behavior, saying ” That monkey is either profoundly disturbed or extremely stupid”. The Zookeeper explained that the animal was neither, saying , ” Last week someone fed him a peach and he couldn’t pass the pit. Now he measures everything first!”.

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says:

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“You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Macaque.

A zookeeper says to his friend “I’ve got 50 dollars for you if you can bring these monkeys to the zoo for me, I’m too busy today”.

The friend agrees and the zookeepers hands him the money. About an hour later the zookeeper sees his friend driving by with the monkeys in the back of his car.>

“What are you doing? I told you to bring them to the zoo” He says

“I did” His friend replies. “They loved it, now I’m taking them to the cinema.”

Because it was dead.

The man and his monkey take a seat at the bar and the man orders two beers. The monkey is cool for a while, sipping his beer, but then jumps up from his stool, runs over to the billiard table and eats one of the balls. He then returns to his stool, and resumes drinking his beer.

Before the bartender can get upset, the man says “i’m so sorry. He’ll eat anything when he is hungry. I’ll pay for the ball and have another round.” The bartender is satisfied and that is that.

A week goes by and the man and his monkey return to the bar. This time, the monkey takes a peanut from the bar, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, then eats it. The bartender is disgusted and asks “What the hell was THAT all about?!”

The man says “oh that? He still eats anything, but after the billiard ball he started checking to make sure it fits first.”

Bi-curious George

A Crimeate

One goes ‘ooh ooh ah ah!’

The other says ‘put some cold in then!’

A monkey was the only survivor of a large airplane crash that happened close to an airport. There was heavy destruction, chaos and wreckage parts everywhere, smoke, fire, ambulances, police, aviation forensics, firefighters, airport representatives, television reporting crew, the whole nine yards. Not a soul alive, except for a monkey, weirdly jumping around, actively ignored by the police and officials. For content, a reporter decided to interview the monkey. « Were you in that airplane? » they asked. The monkey nodded its head enthusiastically, pleasing the reporters. « Did you see what the passengers were doing at the time of the crash? » they asked, and the monkey started yelling and waving its hands above its head. Puzzled, the reporters continued: « did you see what the crew was doing at the time of the crash? » and the monkey started thrashing around, very agitated. « And you, what were you doing when the plane crashed? » the monkey stopped right there, held its two hands far in front of his body and said: « BRRRRRrrrRRR! »

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:

“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”

“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets dehydrated after a short while…

“Monkey, I’m gonna go to the river and get some water, my mouth is soooo dry… I’ll be back.”

Little lizard heads to the river, but he’s so high that he stumbles and falls headfirst into the water. Luckily, the crocodile happens to be there, helps him out and asks what’s the deal.

“I’m high as balls, croccy. I smoked weed with the monkey.”

“Oh really? I wanna get some too.”

So the crocodile goes to the monkey’s tree and greets him.

“Hi monkey!”

The monkey stares at the crocodile in disbelief:

“Woooo… damnit lizard, how much water did you drink?”

Monkeys are better at telling stories because they have Tales.

A Baboooom!

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed.

God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said: “Tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?”

And God agreed.

God created the cow and said: “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed again.

God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

A baboom

A bananny.

Which makes sense. I don’t think I have ever eaten a monkey.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. “Well, did you see this?” “Yes,” motioned the monkey.

“What happened?” The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer. “Yes.”

“What else?” The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. “They were smoking marijuana?” “Yes.”

“What else?” The monkey motioned “Screwing.” “They were screwing, too?” asked the astounded officer. “Yes.”

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked.” “Yes.”

“What were you doing during all this?”

“Driving” motioned the monkey.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“Now what?”, responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

He had the best tail!

(My 7yo daughter came up with this one at breakfast by herself, her first full joke! Didn”t see it in a Google search, figured I’d drop it here for fun. We’re now discussing ways to improve it… maybe it would be a writing contest or storytelling contest?)

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. “Lion meat is delicious!”

The lion suddenly stopped and said: “Wow, this guy is stronger than he looks, I better go while I can.”

A monkey was watching this from the tree. Apparently, the monkey thought that if he told the lion, he would get something in return. Then the monkey told the lion the truth, and the lion got angry and said: “Go on my back, and I’ll take you with me.”

And he began to run after the dog. When the dog saw this, he realized what had happened and began to panic even more. Then he had another idea, and he yelled: “Where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring another lion an hour ago!”

(Translated from Russian)

We don’t accept your insurance.

The bartender looks confused and tells the man he didn’t order anything.

The man says I know, but I own the zoo down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,… walked into a bar. I’m here to pay for the damages.

A lion and lioness are sitting in their den, when a monkey climbs up a nearby tree and starts insulting the mighty lion.

The lioness starts to get angry and says, “King of the jungle, how dare you allow this puny monkey to insult you? You must punish him.”

“You are right, but you know what? I am king of the jungle and I must not lower myself to his level. Let’s ignore it.”

The lioness, astonished, sat in silence. Yet the monkey kept on. After sometime, the lioness looses her patience.

“I cannot allow this any longer. I’m going to teach that monkey a lesson.”

So the lioness chases after the monkey. After a long chase she finds herself out of the jungle and at a construction site. She sees the monkey going through a narrow pipe and leaps in after him. The pipe apparently was not large enough, and the lioness gets stuck.

Seeing that the lioness is stuck, the monkey walks around behind her.

“Who’s a bad girl? Who’s a bad girl?!!” he yells as he screws her from behind, over and over again. The monkey has his way and then finally leaves with a big smile on his face.

After an hour long struggle, the lioness finally frees herself from the pipe. Injured, and completely embarrassed, she returns home to the jungle and to her king.

“So how did the hunt go?” the lion curiously asked.

The lioness couldn’t even look at him.

“Aaahhh, he took you to the construction site didn’t he?”

He rode out the gates on the back of a baby sheep.

Authorities have stated that he is on the lamb.

Only if it’s gorilla warfare

A Monkey would come over and make fun of the lion everyday. Lion would keep his head low and would just ignore. All the animals would feel humiliated because their King was being ridiculed, but there was nothing anyone could do.

The lioness would say I’ll go and kill that monkey but the lion would make her let go of it. One day the monkey made some really derogatory remarks for the whole lion kind so the lioness sprinted and chased the monkey. The monkey was good at running but he wouldn’t climb up any tree so the lioness thought she’ll catch him.

He finds a few barrels stacked sideways and enters in one of them from one side and exits from the other, the lioness follows but gets stuck.

He had his way with her. Lioness returns after a few hours head down, Lion looks at her and asks he took you to the barrels, right?

Flungpoo

A college girl really wants to buy a monkey, but she knows her dad will not send the money for such a pet. So she emails her dad and asks for money to buy a bicycle.

He sends the money, and she buys the cute little monkey. After about a week, she notices that clumps of hair are falling out of the little fellow. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have the money to take the monkey to the vet, so she does internet searches for hours, but cannot find any answers.

Finally, in desperation, she emails her father, saying, “Help! All of the hair is falling out of my monkey! Please send money!”

And her father emails back, “Sell the goddamn bicycle!”

The jungle gym.

In 2016, they ate 73,432,384 bananas,

and only ate 6 monkeys.

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says “Hey, what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint. Come up and join me”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard “What’s the matter with you!?” The lizard explains that he was up in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”

The monkey looks down and says “OMG! DUUUUDE …. HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!”

Aligator: Hey, what have you got there?

Monkey: I’ve got some of that good stuff man, it’s that OG kush everyone’s been talking about, you’ll take one puff and you’re gone! I’m telling you!

Aligator: Nah, mate,that’s bull, lemme try some tho.

Aligator pulls once, nothing. Twice. Nothing.

Aligator: Doesn’t work, buddy, I told you.

Monkey: Weird. You know what, try pulling on it real hard and going underwater.

So the Aligator gets in a massive drag and decides to go to the other side of the river. There he meets a hippo.

Hippo: Hey Ali, what’s up?

Aligator: Hey, Monkey’s got some stuff to smoke on the other side of the river, you should try some, maybe it’ll work on you, doesn’t do nothing to me.

Hippo goes underwater and swims right up to the monkey:

Hippo: Hey, Monk-

Monkey: Yo, Aligator, breathe out, dude, breathe out!

Prime mates.

A hot air baboon

Rhesus pieces……..

I think Im going bananas

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there’s no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once the leopard is in earshot, the dachshund sighs contentedly and says to himself, “My, that was one tasty leopard.” And not being of the brightest variety, the leopard immediately high-tails it out of the area.

A monkey had been watching all this go down, and, being the cheeky rascal of the jungle, decides to spill the beans to the leopard. Swinging through the trees, he eventually catches up to the leopard, and tells him that there’s no way that little dog could have eaten an entire leopard. The leopard sees he’s made a fool of himself, vows revenge, and tells the monkey to hop on his back to come watch.

A few minutes later, the dachshund sees them approaching. As they get closer, he taps his foot in apparent irritation and mutters to himself,

“Where’s that daggum monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to fetch me another leopard!”

A doctor says grimly to a patient, “You are a very sick man. You’ve been diagnosed with covid, monkey pox, swine flu, Ebola, and bubonic plague all at the same time.”

“Is there anything that can be done to help me?” asks the patient.

“Amazingly, there is,” says the doctor. “First, we’ll put you in a private room where you’ll have everything you need to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible. Next, we’ll put you on a diet of pancakes and flounder.”

“Okay…” says the patient, “But why pancakes and flounder?”

“Because,” the doctor says, “That’s the only food we can slide under your door!”

Get your monkey for nothin’ and your chimps for free.

I want my, I want my, I want my NFT.

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

I’m 2Pox Secure.