What’s Mary short for?
Mary comes home after tending to the garden….
Joseph tells Mary “I baked it!”
“Baked it?” Says Mary.
“Yes, right here in our home from scratch!” Says Joseph.>
Mary looks at him confused then says “But we don’t have an oven.”
So Joseph looks her straight in the eyes and say “God helped me.”
Mary looks at Joseph annoyed, “Please, not this again.” as Joseph screams
“YOU SEE HOW THAT SOUNDS MARY?!?!?!?”
A nun gave little Mary a long talk on sin, prayer, and forgiveness.
Little Mary Confidently said, “Sin”
Mary and Jane are old friends.
“As I get older he doesn’t bother to look at me!” Mary cries.
“I’m so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day.” replies Jane.
“Yes, but your husband’s an antique dealer!”
Sue has lunch with her blonde friend, Mary.
The next day, Mary shows up with a wedding ring on her finger. Sue asks what happened, and she says, “a guy hit me with his car, so I did just what you would have done. I Mary’d him!”
Mary is sitting in Sunday school…
A kid sitting behind Mary starts poking her with a pencil. She wakes up and turns around and yells “My GOD!”
The teacher says she is correct and Mary dozes off again. The teacher proceeds to ask the class “Who is the son of God?”
The kid pokes Mary again with a pencil, she again wakes up, turns around and yells “JESUS CHRIST!”
The teacher tells her she is correct and Mary dozes off yet again. Later The teacher then asks the class “What did Eve say to Adam after they had they’re 13th child?”
Once again the kid pokes Mary with his pencil. She wakes up, turns around, and yells “IF YOU POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF!”
Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.
“No, Father.”
“Was it Kate Dannaher?”
“No, Father.”
“Was it Kathleen McGonigle?”
“No, Father. I don’t want to say who it was.”
Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, “How’d it go?”
He answers, “Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers… and three great leads.”
Sister Mary Margaret woke up and saw from the rising sun that she was late.
“Don’t you dare say ‘Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed today ‘ or I’ll slap you!”
Sister Elizabeth just smiled.
“I wasn’t going to say that. I was just going to ask you why you’re wearing the bishop’s bathrobe.”
John and Mary decided to go shopping together in the city for the first time in 20 years.
Mary amused herself window shopping for a couple of hours, when finally her phone rang. “Where are you?” she asked.
“Do you remember when we came here 20 years ago?” said John. “You saw that beautiful diamond bracelet in a shop window. But the kids were small, money was tight, and we couldn’t afford it. And I said that one day I’d come back and buy it (or something similar) just for you?”
“Of course I remember,” said Mary.
“Do you remember which jewellery store that was?” asked John.
Now Mary was getting excited. “Oh yes!”
“Well,” said John, “I’m in the pub next door, but I’ve run out of money. Can you come around and buy me another beer?”
Mary had a little lamb…
Mary had a little dress
And every step that Mary took
The boys could see her thighs.
~~~
Mary had another dress
With slits all up the front
–But she never wore that one.
Where did Mary go after the explosion?
Two priests are in a shower.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from other city heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he’s a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
“Oh look” says the first nun, “it’s a soap dispenser”.
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells:
“Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!”
Mary needed veggies for dinner…
“Honey please don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says ‘Hi’ to you.”
Paul, her husband replied, “Who is Priscilla?”
“Nobody, I was just making sure that you read my message.”
Paul took a moment, then replied, “But I’m with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about?”
Mary couldn’t believe it, she had had suspicions for a while. “Where are you?”
“Near the vegetable market.”
“Wait I’m coming there right now!” forgetting about smudging her manicured finger nails, and her friends coming over, Mary snatched the car keys and within 10 minutes she was at the market.
“Where are you”? She texted her husband.
“I’m at the office. Now that you’re in the market, buy whatever vegetables you need…”
Roommates Sarah and Beth invite Mary over for drinks
Little Mary had no arms
A pair of gloves
Nah, just kidding, she’s still trying to open the box
*Knock Knock*
Who’s there?
Definitely not Little Mary
What did God say to Joseph when he knocked up Mary?
A man was driving in a very rural area.
He was very surprised, and when he saw the St Mary sign, he turned of and stopped in the parking lot.
He knocked on the door, and an elderly nun opened it. He said, “I am here for the brothel.” The nun just nodded and took him down a long and winding corridor.
At the end, next to a door, there sat an even older nun. She said nothing, and just pointed at a small sign saying $200.
He paid, and the nun opened the door and pushed him through.
As the door locked behind him, he saw he was back in the parking lot, and in front of him a small sign: “You have just been screwed by the nuns of St Mary.”
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”
The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
Mary Clancy
He says, ‘So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?’
She says, ‘Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.’
The priest says, ‘Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?’
She says, ‘That he did, Father.’
The priest says, ‘What did he ask, Mary?’
She says, ‘He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun…’
Sister Mary hears a voice from the heavens.
The voice says, “When you get off the bus I want you to walk into the first casino you see”. So when the bus stops Sister Mary walks into the first casino she sees.
The voice says, “Go up to the roulette table and put all of your money on twenty-seven”. Sister Mary puts all of her money on twenty-seven. The ball lands on five.
The voice says, “Damn”.
Mary Rose sat on a pin.
So there’s this girl named Mary…
2. Mary ends up pregnant
3. ???
4. Prophet
Fred and Mary got married
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, ‘No’.
Johnny asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.’
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ‘Are Fred and Mary up yet?’
She replies, ‘No.’
Johnny says, ‘Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ‘Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.’
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ‘Are Fred and Mary up yet?’
His mom says, ‘No.’
He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’
His Mom replies, ‘Ok, tell me what you think?’
He says, ‘Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.’
__________________
Lady Mary strolled down the path to where the young gardener was pruning the roses
“Good morning, Your Ladyship.”
“You know, Thomas, ever since you’ve come to work for us, I’ve been afraid that you would force me to kiss you,” she said, conversationally.
“Oh, Your Ladyship, how could I do that with a pair of secateurs in one hand and a bag of clippings in the other?” he replied.
“Well,” she mused, “you could put the secateurs on the bench and rest the clippings against that tree.”
Knock knock
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna happy new year!
Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit 🙂
Why was Mary Magdalene upset with Jesus?
A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!
The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!
Mary cleaned Marsha’s house. Marsha cleaned Mary’s house.
Jesus paid Saint Peter a visit at the pearly gates
“Kinda weird. Just had this nice older guy with a guitar come in, he said he was looking for a lost shaker of salt.
I said I don’t know where it is, but I thought I saw Mary Magdalene with one. He then just chuckled, said ‘I knew it!’ and walked away shaking his head.”
Why did Mother Mary’s water break?
If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God…
Mary had a little sheep, and with that sheep, she did sleep.
John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”
r>Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”
I’m ready for a holiday.
“I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant, last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.”
Mick asks,
“So what are you going to do this year?”
Paddy replies,
“I’ll bloody take her with me!”
An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.”
And the wife responded, “What property? … the schmuck had a paper route!!”
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When
the medical director became aware of Mary’s heroic act he immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her
to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said,
“Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you’re being
discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of
another patient, I think you’ve regained your senses. The bad news is,
Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the
bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.” Mary replied “He didn’t hang
himself, I put him there to dry.”
Two guys are sitting next to each other in a pub.
The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
The first guy says, “So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?”
The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”
The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”
The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”
The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.”
The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”
The guy asks, “Why do you say that?”
“The Murphy twins are drunk again.”
I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet
She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.
I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.
Mary had a little lamb.
John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.
At trial, the judge condemns Mary to ten years in prison, while John gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error John will be serving ten years and Mary only two. Despite of her insistence, John convinces Mary to keep quiet about it.
After two years Mary gets out and she continues to visit John faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.
Finally, after he does his time, John gets out and is joyfully reunited with Mary. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage.
On their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.
The conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Mary why she decided to stick with John while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships.
Mary answers: “Well… you know you have found the One when you finish each other’s sentences.”
Why did Mary Magdalene have an affair with Jesus?
A farmer has four daughters named Betty, Mary, Flo, and Luck. who each have dates tonight.
The boy says,
“Hi my name is Teddy!
I’m here to pick up Betty!
We’re gonna eat spaghetti!
Is she almost ready?”
The farmer is weirded out by his rhyming, yet he says, “OK bring her back by 11.” The farmer lets Betty go. There is another knock on the door, and there is the next date.
“Hi my name is Larry!
I’m here to pick up Mary!
We’re skipping to the prairie!
Quick, we’re in a hurry!”
The farmer is surprised another boy did it again but says, “OK bring her back by 11.” The farmer lets Mary go. There is another knock on the door, and there is the next date.
“Hi my name is Joe!
I’m here to pick up Flo!
We’re gonna shoot some doe!
Is she good to go?”
The farmer just says, “OK bring her back by 11.” The farmer lets Flo go. There is another knock on the door, and there is the next date.
“Hi my name is Chuck!
I’m here to pick up Luck!
We’re gonna…”
**He fired the shotgun.**
Joseph and Mary tried to throw out one of Jesus’ diapers
Never mary a tennis player…
Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers.
Cancer. Mary has cancer.
How did Mary Poppins die?
You know why Mary and Joseph had to travel to Bethlehem for that census?
I ate at Mary Poppin’s Restaurant last night…
Mary Poppins in the 60’s: “A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down.”
A colon can completely change a sentence.
Mary ate her friend’s colon.
In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.
“Mary…I’ve not much time left. So I want to ask you something that’s bothered me for many a day. Please tell me the truth…is Aiden really my son?”
Mary says “Seamus, as God is my witness I swear on all that’s good and holy that Aiden is indeed your child.”
With that Seamus breathed a sigh of relief, his last breath in this world. Mary closed his eyes, pulled the blanket over his face and said:
“Whew…thank God he didn’t ask about the other three!”
If a pro lifer asks “What if Mary aborted Jesus”?
Mary Poppins was talking to Un and Little Um…
In other words, Um did a little, Little Um did a lie.
What do Ghandi and Mary Poppins have in common?
Which, in summary, means he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis..!
Why couldn’t Joseph and Mary get a hotel room in Bethlehem?
BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick – she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.
“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..