Maid Jokes

I told her of course you’re not a maid baby….Maids get paid to do the laundry!

‘I didn’t’ says the maid ‘The gardener does’

A maid goes to the wife of the house, and demands a raise. The wife gets mad and asks the maid “now why do you think you deserve one?” The maid instantly replied and said “there are 3 reasons.” “One is that I iron better than you.” The wife, surprised by this, snapped back and said “Who said that?!” “Your husband.” The maid said. “Two is that I am a better cook than you.” Says the maid. Once again the wife asks “who said that?” And again the maid said “Your husband.” “And three is that I’m better in bed than you are.” The wife, now livid, shouts “Did my husband say that as well?” The maid looks at her and says “No, the gardener did.” “So, how much do you want?”

Maid in China.

One day the maid couldnt take it anymore .She shouted “Atleast I’m better than you in bed “

The woman was shocked,then she recovered and asked “Did my husband tell you that?”

Maid “No,your driver did ”

Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of panties on the floor that do not belong to her!

Furious, she questions her husband.

The husband says, “I have no idea where they came from I don’t do the laundry, the maid does!”

The wife calms down and says, “Oh! So maybe these belong to the maid, could be she was doing her laundry here.”

“Nah,” said the husband musingly, “she doesn’t even wear panties.

A Maid Knocks On Her Master’s Door

Her master is busy talking on the phone

She asks, “Sir would you like some juice?”

He Replies “Give Me A Minute Maid”

They get sweepy.

The maid looked at the husband and said “Sir, you’re my witness. You know I never wear panties.”

*Mrs*: Why do you think you deserve a raise? You have only worked here for a month.

*Maid*: I have three reasons, the first being that I cook better than you.

*Mrs*: who told you that?

*Maid*: Your husband said it.

*Mrs*: And what else?

*Maid*: He also told me that I iron his clothes better than you.

*Mrs*: And what’s the third reason?!

*Maid*: I’m better in bed than you!

*Mrs*: Did my husband tell you that?!

*Maid*: No, the chauffeur told me!

*Mrs*: …

*Mrs*: How much do you want?

A maid asks for a raise from the queen.

“Give me three good reasons to give you a raise.” the queen demands.

“Well, I cook better than you.” Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, “Who told you that?”

The maid replies with, “Your husband told me that.”.

The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason.

“I’m a better cleaner than you are.” The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. “Your husband told me that.” The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise.

The maid says, “I’m better in bed than you.” The queen’s jaw drops open and asks “DON’T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT DID HE?”.

The maid replies calmly with, “No, the driver did.”

The queen curses quietly, “Shhh. Keep it down, its 25% okay?”

A man hires a new maid and calls home to speak to his wife. The maid picks up.

“Is this the maid”

“Yes”

“Well may I speak to my wife?”

“Well….she’s in bed with a man”

The husband is furious and tells the maid “I want you to go into my desk, get my gun, and shoot the both of them”

The husband hears the gunshots and the maid returns to the phone, telling him she shot both of them.

The husband says, “Now I want you to take both bodies and throw them into the pool”

The maid says, “What pool???”

The husband says, “Is this 387-6476?”

They hired a lovely lass for the job.

She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

“But why?” asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn’t want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, “Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I’m pregnant.”

The wife said, “Look, we don’t want to lose you. My husband and I don’t have children, and we’ll adopt your baby if you will stay.”

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, “I am definitely leaving this time.”

“Don’t tell me you’re pregnant again?” asked the lady of the house.

“No,” she said, “there are just too many kids here to pick up after.”

He says : Mom i’ve seen Dad with maid doing…….

His mom shushed him and said wait till the dad comes home.

When his dad comes home, the mother asks her kid, Yes son what were you saying.

Kid Says : Mom i’ve seen dad with maid doing the same thing the neighbor does to you when dad isn’t home.

The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland.

They’re untrained. The lady says she’ll train the girl but needs someone right away.

The agency guy asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward. She agrees to go and be trained.

Well, the dinner party comes and goes and, although some of the guests seemed to disappear now and then, everything works out just fine. Molly does a great job. The next morning, the lady’s walking down the upstairs hall and sees Molly in one of the guest rooms. Looks like she’s making the bed but she’s just standing there.

Curious, the woman walks in and looks over Molly’s shoulder. There on the bed lies a condom.

The lady turns bright red and tries to laugh it off. “Why Molly,” she says, “Surely you have those in Ireland, don’t you?”

Molly: “Shurin we do madam, but we don’t skin em.”

…I knocked up the maid.

When I went to college the dorm had a maid who told us, “Pick your clothes up off the floor, I’m not your mother.”

– Callie, you are fired!

– Why, Miss Lucy?

– Because your work is getting worse! The little you do is very poorly done! Now, take your money and get out of here!

The maid took the money, thanked the housewife and, before going out, took a 10 dollar bill and threw it at the dog. The housewife said:

– Well, that’s what we call daring! Throwing money at my dog!

– You know, Miss Lucy, I’m doing this because he deserves it. It’s been a month since he’s been the one doing the dishes!

phone.

A man phones the house and the maid picks up the phone. He asks the maid where the wife is. She says the wife is in the bed with a man. After a long pause, the man gathers himself together asks the maid to do a favor for him and promises her $50,000. He asks her to go to his study room and to get a gun from the cabinet table and to shoot both the woman and the man. The maid puts down the phone receiver and the man can hear two gunshots.

The maid cames back panting and stressed and picks up the phone again and says now what. The man says to the maid to dump the bodies in their pool.

The maid pauses a little and says “But you don’t have a pool”. There is a pause on the other line. “Oh sorry, wrong number.”

“Your groom and I got drunk and started dancing together,” says the maid of honor. “Then you got drunk, and the alcohol must have made you so aggressive that when you saw us dancing, you kicked him in the balls.”

“Ouch!” says the bride. “That must have hurt.”

“It sure did!” says the maid of honor. “Three of my fingers got broken.”

A Man Calls home to his wife. The Maid answers, “Hello “. The husband asks for his wife. The Maid asks him to hold as she goes to her bedroom. Moments later, the maid returns crying, “Sir, your wife… Your wife is in bed with ANOTHER MAN!”. The husband is shocked and doesn’t speak for a minute. The Maid just continues to cry… Then the husband angrily says, “I want you to go into the downstairs library and go to my desk. In the 2nd drawer on the left, in the back, is a key under the papers. Take that key and open the box on the shelf right behind my chair.”. The Maid complies and when she opens the box, she sees a REVOLVER, and instantly begins crying harder. The husband calms her down and says, “Now go upstairs and shoot BOTH OF THEM!”. The Maid panics and yells back, “NO!”. The husband threatens to fire her and throw her out in the street. After a few minutes, the maid agrees and sets the phone down. Seconds later the husband hears BANG, BANG. Then he hears foot steps getting louder and the phone being picked up. The Maid is really crying hard now and says, “What do I do NOW?”. The husband tells her, “Wrap the bodies in sheets and pull them downstairs… Then throw their bodies in the pool, I’ll be right home! … There is a long silence, and a confused voice says, “Sir, we don’t have a pool.”. The husband replies, “WAIT, isn’t this 555-1234?”

A dry cleaner

stretch their money while the husband, who was recently laid off, looks for new work.

“You know, honey, if you learned how to cook, we could fire the maid” the husband says to the wife.

The wife retorts, “You know, honey, if you learned how to fu(k, we could fire the gardener.”

I’m working on the Punch line.

Maid answers: Hello?

Tough Mafioso: Put my wife on the phone.

Maid: Just a minute.

Maid comes back after a minute: I’m sorry but she’s indisposed in the bathroom.

Tough Mafioso: I said put her on the phone. Now!

Maid stutters: She, she can’t come to the phone right now.

Tough Mafioso: If you don’t get her on the phone in two seconds I’m gonna come over there and pull your jaw from your face.

Maid stutters: You, you don’t understand, she’s in there with another man.

Tough Mafioso: What!?!

Maid: Yeah.

Tough Mafioso: Listen, this is what I want you to do, I want you to shoot them both dead and then get rid of the gun.

Maid stutters: I, I can’t do that, I can’t shoot anybody.

Tough Mafioso: You do it Now!

Maid stutters: I, I can’t!

Tough Mafioso: If you don’t do it right now I’m gonna kill you and your whole family. Go do it now! I wanna hear the shots.

Maid: Ok.

The tough mafioso hears two loud shots over the phone.

Maid stutters: I did it.

Tough Mafioso: Good. Whad’ya you do with the gun?

Maid stutters: I threw it in the pool.

Tough Mafioso: Pool? What pool?

Maid: You must leave this house.

Kid: Why?

Maid: There are ghosts here.

*Later that day the kid was sitting with his dad*

Kid: Dad, the maid told me we should leave this house because there are ghosts in it.

Dad: Pack your bags!

Kid: Dad, do you really believe in ghosts?

Dad: WE DON’T HAVE A MAID!!!

They’re maid.

Cuz she left the plunger in the toilet. – Jackie Martling

…finally.

The doctor gives him a sample to try out. He tells him to take it now and by the time you get home it should be working.

20 minutes later the guy calls the doctor to tell him his wife isn’t home but the maid is there.

Doctor says, well… try it out with the maid.

Patient replies, I never needed a pill to get a hard-on with the maid.

Well, that’s a bit of a sweeping generalisation.

Just don’t tell me wife, she hates it when I call her that.

I said ‘Please do’.

She came home with a French-made $5000 Chanel dress.

The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, “I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there.”

That night, Mrs. Schmidt tells her husband.

He says, “I’ve never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look.”

The next day, Mrs. Schmidt asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, “I’ve never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?”

So Mrs. Schmidt pulls off her clothes and shows her.

That night, Mrs. Schmidt says to her husband, “I hope you’re satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine.”

Her husband says, “You think you were embarrassed…I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me.”

We were maid for each other.

The only way to silence the parrot was to cover its cage with a cloth so it would think it was night time and go to sleep. One morning, the pastor comes to visit the woman right after she uncovered his cage, so she had to immediately cover it again. The pastor came in and heard the parrot say, “Goddamn, that was a short day!”

She sent us a list of things to do.

Because they were a good Sweeper Agent

…finally.

Mom: Wait! Let your dad come back and then tell.

Later that evening…

Mom: Johnny you were telling me something..?

John: yes mom so dad was making out with the maid but he did not make her a horse like uncle Bob made you.

Madam wanted 3 reasons why the maid thought she deserved a raise

Maid: I can cook better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told me!

Madam: Ok, second reason.

Maid: I can iron better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told me!

Madam: Ok, and the third reason?

Maid: I am better in bed than you.

Madam’s face swelled with rage.

Madam: Did my husband say that?!

Maid: No the driver told me.

Madam: Lower your voice. Is 25% enough?

Madrid

They’re both light house keepers.

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!” So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on … very tall, dark hair, and muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

A robot maid, because she’s got her AI.

Asked why she left her last employment, she said: Sir, the wages were good, the living conditions were quite comfortable but it was the most ridiculous place I’ve ever worked. They played this game they called Bridge. Last night a lot of folks were there.

As I was about to bring the refreshments, I heard a man tell a lady: Lay down and let’s see what you’ve got.

Another man said: I have strength, but not much length.

Yet another man told a lady: Take your hand off my trick!

I dropped dead when a lady said: You forced me. You jumped me twice but you didn’t have the strength for even one good raise.

Another lady was talking about protecting her honour.

One lady told another: Now it’s my turn to play with your husband; you play with mine.

I packed my bags, took my hat and coat and was leaving, when I heard a young man say: I guess we can go home now. This is the last rubber.

I gave her the vacuum and she said she’d start right away. When I came back from work, she was still vacuuming, 8 hours later.

She was a Slovac.

He buys a beer from a rather beautiful bar maid, she asks him if he would like any food? He has a glance at the menu above the bar.

Pie and beans $5.00

Sandwich $4.00

Hand job $10.00

He asks the bar maid, “are you the one giving the hand jobs?”. She giggles and winks at the man, “yes”. He replies “well wash your damn hands, I want a sandwich”.

MAID: -What would you like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?

ME: -Tea pls.

MAID: -Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?

ME: -Ceylon Tea pls.

MAID: -How do you want it, black or white?r>

ME: -White….

MAID: -Milk or fresh cream?

ME: -With milk.

MAID: -Goat milk or cow milk?

ME: -Cow’s milk.

MAID: -Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?

ME: -Uhm, lemme go with freeze land cow.

MAID: -Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?

ME: -Sugar.

MAID: -Bee sugar or cane sugar?

ME: -Cane sugar

MAID: -White, brown or yellow sugar?

ME: -Aiyo! forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water…

MAID: -Mineral, tap or distilled water?

ME: -Mineral water.

MAID: -Flavored or non flavored?

ME: -In fact, get me an empty glass!

MAID: -Do you want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug?

ME: -Free me, I will swallow my spit…”

He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.

We are maid for each other.

Mozzarella!

Kid: “Mom, Our maid said that there are ghosts in our house and we need to leave!”

Mom: “Ok, i’ll tell your father right away!”

*Few Minutes Later*

Mom: “Honey, we need to leave this house. our kid says it’s haunted!”

Dad: “God dammit, Mary!”

Mom: “What’s the matter?”

Dad: “We don’t have a child!”

It was a lemon.

Mom: Why do you say that?

Child: Well yesterday she was in the kitchen with both her hands in the air and she was screaming : “Oh my God, I’m coming, I’m coming!”

If dad wasn’t there to hold her waist, she would have gone straight to heaven!

I thought she might be the one.

But after looking through her wardrobe,

and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maids outfit,

and a Police woman’s uniform,

I finally decided: If she can’t hold down a job, she’s not for me.

A boy called up his mom from hospital, “Mom, I took tests and they declared that I have AIDS.”

Mom, “What? Don’t come back home son, go away.”

Boy “Why mom, I’m your son.”

Mom, “You foolish boy! If you come back home, then your wife will be infected, from your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, from our maid to your dad, from your dad to my sister, from my sister to her husband, from her husband to me, from me to our gardener, from our gardener to your sister…

And if your sister got it, then the whole town is in trouble.

Both make lemons, but neither does it well.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

The house is still messed up as usual.

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.

He goes downstairs to reception and asks for a cup of coffee to be delivered to the room.

“Make sure you deliver it exactly after 10 minutes starting from now”

Returning back to the room he joins his comrades midway a Stalin joke. He sits up shocked and exclaims:

“Comrades! You must not say these things! Don’t you know? They are listening to our conversations right now!”

The comrades jeer and laugh at him and say that that is impossible.

“Really? Then how do you explain this?”

He gets up and speaks into the lampshade by the beds.

“I would like a black coffee to be delivered to my room, please.”

And surely enough, in a short amount of time, a maid walks in with a cup of coffee and some sugar.

The other 3 comrades turn deathly pale and quickly turn in for the night. The last comrade drinks his coffee and peacefully goes to sleep.

Come morning the 4th comrade awakens only to find that his friends and all their belongings are missing.

Throughly confused and anxious, the man walks down the stairs to reception to enquire whether his friends had checked out earlier in the morning.

“I am afraid not sir. You see, the KGB raided your room during the night and placed your friends under arrest for ridiculing the Soviet regime.”

“B-but how come they didn’t take me?!”

“Oh, the Captain very much enjoyed your joke”

(translated from Russian)

I heard this one a long time ago.

A man tired of his cheating wife and wants to have her killed. He asked some of his friends and his and as soon referred to a local hitman named Artie.

The man meets Artie in a local bar and tells him that his wife is cheating on him and he wants her whacked.

Artie sympathizes with the man and say that his wife cheated as well and he’ll do the job for a dollar.

Artie arrives at the house, because it’s personal to him, he wants to choke the wife to death with his own hands.

Unexpectedly the Butler answers the door. Since he can’t have any witnesses he chokes the Butler to death in the doorway

Artie makes his way upstairs but runs into the maid so he chokes her to death on the steps.

Finally he finds the wife in the upstairs bedroom jokes are to death telling her that cheating is wrong.

All the neighbors heard about what happened, but to their surprise it wasn’t front page on the news. They searched all through the headlines and local news but local news but couldn’t find the article finally when they reached the food section it was there in big bold letters

ARTICHOKES, 3 FOR A DOLLAR!

Man, was she built!

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come to collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he’d finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ………………. and just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!!!

The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don’t use the home phone. I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too, I hardly use the home phone. I use my company’s phone.

Son: I use the cell phone given to me by my office. I never use the home phone.

All of them shocked and together look at the maid who is patiently listening to them.

Maid: What? so we all use our work phones. What’s the big deal??