Lunch Jokes

They always have lunch in their cramped offices. One day, one of the lawyers said to the other, “We should go downstairs to the deli and have lunch there, there’s much more room.”

The other agreed and they went downstairs to the deli.

When they sat down, the waitress came over and asked if they needed anything. They both said no and took out their own sandwiches.

The waitress then called over the manager and the manager told the lawyers they were in a restaurant and they couldn’t eat their own lunch there.

So, the lawyers swapped sandwiches with each other.

They told me, “you already ate lunch”

“Is there a doctor in the building?!”

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

“We’ve just had two people come down with some kind of sickness,” the manager says, “the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom.”

“How do you feel?” asks the doctor.

“Nauseous,” says the guest, “I just threw up my whole meal and I still feel sick and lightheaded.”

“What did you eat?” says the doctor, suspecting a case of fast-acting food poisoning.

“The chicken lo mein, number 9, and some dumplings.”

At this point the other guest emerges from the bathroom.

“What did you eat today?” asks the doctor.

“I had egg rolls and chicken lo mein,” he says.

As a third patron hurries toward the bathroom, the doctor tells the other two to have a seat, and urgently asks exactly how many people ordered the chicken lo mein. The manager counts up the orders.

“Seven.”

The sick patrons are starting to look worryingly unwell. Fearing they may have contracted some deadly, unknown disease, the doctor instructs the manager to call an ambulance, and get the rest of the patrons out, so he can spread the sick customers out and attend to them.

“We can’t kick everybody out!” protests the manager. “We need the money. We were closed all last year for Covid and this restaurant is heavily in debt.”

Seeing that he won’t get far with this approach, the doctor racks his brain for where he can put seven people until paramedics arrive. He remembers that the rest of the building is occupied by a hotel. He rushes out the door, into the hotel to the front desk to ask if they can spare a room.

“We have a conference room on the first floor, but it’s booked at 4pm, so I can’t let you use it.” The clerk at the front desk is uncooperative.

The manager comes up behind him and tells him that an ambulance is on its way, and that five of the people who ate the lo mein are showing symptoms; two seem perfectly fine.

“Please,” the doctor begs, “I need a place to put a bunch of sick people from the restaurant next door before the ambulances arrive.”

“When do you need it?” the desk clerk asks.

“Now, I need it now!”

“And for how long?”

“Two hours at most.”

“Why do you need it again?”

Exasperated, the doctor starts over. “Now listen carefully, because I’m not going to repeat myself again.

I need the room from 1 to 3 for five sick, seven ate 9!”

Dikfast

She sees a man sitting at a table, alone with his bowl of tomato soup. Politely she asks him: “Excuse me, sir, is this seat taken? Mind if I join you?” He answers: “No problem, ma’am. But I have to warn you, I’m a very messy eater!” She smiles and sits down, and says: “Then it was a good idea to wear a red shirt when eating tomato soup, wasn’t it?” He answers: “Nope, I’m NOT wearing a red shirt…”

After careful consideration, he decides he will have a bowl of the day’s soup. The waiter praises him for his decision.

“Ah, excellent choice. The chef makes the soup fresh each day from only the freshest, locally-sourced ingredients. It is completely organic, and there are no additives or preservatives.

“Well, it sounds delicious,” the man says. “I can’t wait to try it.”

“Very good sir!” the waiter says. “I guarantee you will not be disappointed.”

A few minutes later, the waiter brings out the soup and places it in front of the man.

“Bon appetit!” he says and strides off. However, after a few moments, he spots the man waving him over.

“Yes sir?”

“Taste this soup,” the man says.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Taste the soup,” the man says.

“Is there a problem? I cannot imagine there could be a problem. The chef is renowned for his recipes, and this soup is one of his specialties.”

“Taste the soup,” the man says again.

“Perhaps I should get the headwaiter,” the waiter says nervously. He dashes off.

After a minute or two, the waiter appears with the headwaiter.

“I understand there is a problem?” he says.

“Taste the soup,” the man says.

“Sir, I’ll have you know we have never had a complaint in the history of this establishment. Our chef has a reputation for excellence, and has in fact won a number of culinary awards. His work is beyond reproach.”

“Taste the soup,” the man says again.

“I think I need to fetch the house manager,” the headwaiter says, and rushes off.

He returns a few moments later with the tuxedoed house manager.

“What seems to be the problem?” the house manager asks.

“Taste the soup,” the man says.

“Monsieur. I will have you know that this establishment is among the most respected and revered in the country. The chef is brilliant, known for his innovative and imaginative recipes. He trained at the most prestigious European culinary schools, and has won the acclaim and admiration of his peers the world over. Even questioning his abilities is a grave insult.”

“Taste the soup,” the man says again.

“This is outrageous. I shall call the chef himself!” the house manager says, and rushes to the kitchen.

A few moments later, he returns with the chef, a burly, humourless man with large hands and a red face. He glares at the man.

“You have something you wish to say?” the chef says.

“Taste the soup,” the man says. The chef’s eyes narrow as he leans over the table.

“I have been the chef in this establishment for 25 years. I have prepared meals for presidents and kings. My reputation is unequalled, and every day I receive offers of employment. I can work anywhere in the world for anyone I choose. Yet you would sit here and impugn my reputation?”

“Taste the soup,” the man says.

“Taste the soup? *Taste the soup*? Good sir, I made this soup myself from a recipe that has been handed down through the generations in my family. This was my great-great-grandmother’s own recipe and it is beloved.”

“Taste the soup,” the man says.

“Taste the soup? TASTE THE SOUP?? I have never been so affronted! Taste the soup? Fine. I will taste the soup!!”

He leans across the table and stops in confusion.

“But where is the spoon? You have no spoon,” the chef says.

“Right,” the man says.

Three construction workers have lunch together on top of a tall building.

The first one opens his lunch box and goes “Another tuna sandwich? I eat tuna sandwich every day. If I have to eat another tuna sandwich I’m going to jump!”. The second one opens his lunch box and also goes “Man, another turkey club sandwich. I can’t stand it anymore. If it’s the same tomorrow, I’ll jump”. The third worker opens his lunch box, sees a meatball sandwich, and like the others he says he’ll jump if he has to eat another meatball sandwich.

The next day the three men open their lunch boxes. The first one got a tuna sandwich. He writes a goodbye note and jumps. The second got a turkey club and does the same. The third sees he has a meatball sandwich and follows them.

At the funeral the wives of the three men meet. The first one weeps and says “If only I had known! I would have made him something else!”. The second wive is angry and goes “He never told me he wanted something else! If he had just talked to me!”. They notice that the third wife just looks sort of confused, so they ask her what’s wrong.

She replies: “I just don’t get it. He always made his own lunch.”

He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, but his wife just sat watching him. The young man felt sorry for them and asked “I’m sorry to intrude, but would you allow me to purchase another meal for your wife so that you don’t have to split your food?” The old gentleman said, “Oh, no, thank you. But you see, we’ve been married a long time, and everything has always been shared, 50/50.” The young man said, “Wow! That’s commendable.” He then turned to the wife and asked, “Aren’t you going to eat your share?” The wife replied “Not yet. It’s his turn to use the teeth.”

They each bring their lunches to to the top of the building.

The first worker says, “Turkey, turkey, turkey. If I have turkey one more time, I’m gonna jump off of this building.” He opens his lunch box and finds turkey, so he jumps to his death.

The second worker says, “Tuna, tuna, tuna. If I have tuna one more time, I’m gonna jump off of this building.” He opens his lunch box, finds he has tuna, and plummets to the bottom.

The third worker says, “Bologna, bologna, bologna. If I have bologna one more time, I’m gonna jump off of this building.” He opens his lunch box and lo and behold- it’s bologna. He joins the other two workers on the ground.

Later that day, the news station is interviewing the wives of the three workers. The first two workers’ wives both react the same way, “If I had known I never would have packed his lunch like that!”

After much sympathy and condolences they finally get to the third worker’s wife to hear what she has to say.

“Don’t look at me, he packs his own lunch.”

They order one burger, one small fry, and one drink. The man gets an extra cup and pours half of the drink into the other cup, gets a plastic knife and cuts the burger in half, and dumps out the fries and divides them.

I noticed and asked if they needed a few bucks to buy another meal. The old man said, “No sir, we share everything. Split it all right down the middle. Always have since the day we were married.”

I said “Fair enough, it seems to be working out for you.” Then I noticed that the lady was almost finished eating and the man hadn’t even touched his food. I told him “You might want to dig in before it gets cold.” He smiled and said “I will in a moment, it’s my wife’s turn with the dentures.”

Monday morning he brought in a turkey and provolone on wheat bread. Put it in the fridge. By lunch time it was gone.

Tuesday he brought in ham and cheddar on white bread. Put it in the fridge, again gone by lunch.

Today he brought a chicken ceaser wrap. Gone by noon.

I hope he brings a pastrami and Swiss tommorow. That’s my favorite.

The rich guy was eating a delicious fancy meal while the poor guy only had slop.

**Poor guy**: “Hey, wanna swap ?”

**Rich guy**: “Why would I trade my delicacy for your slop ?”

**Poor guy**: “This isn’t ordinary slop, it’s a secret family recipe. Whoever eats it becomes smarter.”

**Rich guy**: “Really ?”

**Poor guy**: “Yeah! Try it for yourself!”

The rich guy gives his food to the poor guy and takes the slop. After eating a spoonfull he turns to the poor guy.

**Rich guy**: “Wait a minute! You tricked me so you can take my lunch!”

**Poor guy**: “Well the slop worked! You did become smarter!”

The first construction workers says, “I swear to god if my wife packed me another bologna sandwich I’m going to kill my self by jumping off this roof.” He opens his lunch and there is a bologna sandwich. He goes and jumps off the roof.

The second construction worker says, “If my wife packed me cold pizza for lunch again I’m going to kill my self by jumping off this roof.” He opens his lunch and there’s cold pizza. He goes and jumps off the roof.

The third construction worker says to himself, “If my wife packed me a fish sandwich I too will jump off this roof and kill my self.” He opens his lunch and there is a fish sandwich. He follows suite and jumps off and kills himself.

Later on the three wives meet at the cemetery after the funerals.

The wife of the first construction worker says while crying, “If only I would have packed him a turkey sandwich he would still be here with me.”

The wife of the second construction worker is also crying. “If only I would have packed him meatloaf instead he would still be here.”

The third wife is just standing there looking frustrated with a more confused look. The other two look at her and ask her why she isn’t crying and wishing she packed his lunch a different way.

“Don’t look at me the dumbass packs his own lunch.”

Rata-ta-ta-touille.

Jeffrey Dahmer.

I replied: “Can we not just have one lunch without you mentioning that time I shot your mother?”

They decided to share what seemed to be a rather thin and short fellow between the two of them for lunch. One started at the brow line the other at the toes. The cannibal on the top side made his way to the shoulder and asked the other “You said before you have never eaten around here before so what do you think about the overall experience, it’s great ain’t it? The other cannibal popped his head out and said while wiping his chin, “Oh you know it, I’m having a ball”. To which the first cannibal quickly responded “Well you’d better slow down you greedy knuckle dragger, you only get half!”

Fish and Ships.

A Hamburger.

The first guys opens his lunch box and finds his usual ham and cheese sandwich. He begins to shout,”IF MY WIFE MAKES ME AN OTHER STUPID HAM AND CHEESE IM JUMPING OFF THIS BUILDING”

The second guy opens his lunch box and finds his usual BLT. He begins to shout,”IF MY WIFE MAKES ME AN OTHER STUPID BLT IM JUMPING OFF THIS BUILDING”

The third guy opens up his lunch box and finds his usual meatball sub. He begins to shout,”IF MY WIFE MAKES ME AN OTHER STUPID MEATBALL SUB IM JUMPING OFF THIS BUILDING”

All three decide to jump together if the next day their wives make them the same lunch they will jump.

So the next day when it’s time for lunch they get together and one by one start to open their lunch boxes.

The first guy finds his ham and cheese. The second guy finds a BLT. The third guy find a meatball sub. So all three precede to jump and fall to their death.

At the memorial service the wives of the first two men were crying and trying to comfort each other. They look over and see the wife of the third man laughing. Up set at what they saw they rush over to her and ask her how she could possibly be laughing at her husbands death.

She replies, “The idiot made his own lunch that day”.

Caesar salad.

His coworker asked him if he got in a fight during his lunch break, and he says no, he was randomly punched by a guy after he asked him which food line he was standing in. The coworker asks if this happened in the line for the ramen shop, but he shakes his head and replies, “No, pho queue.”

The waiter stops by and asks “Is anything okay?”

When he was gone, a man with severe cough came in for a consultation and was informed that the pharmacist was out to lunch, and the assistant wasn’t sure when he was coming back.

The man begged the assistant for help since he was so miserable, and the assistant had to think quick.

An hour later, the pharmacist comes back and notices the man standing outside the pharmacy, looking absolutely miserable with his legs crossed tight.

He asked his assistant if he knew what was going on, and his assistant answered.

“Oh, that guy. He came in asking for meds for his cough, and I told him, you were out to lunch but he insisted I give him something to help him stop coughing. So I gave him some fast acting laxatives and told him the bathroom is out of service”.

“You idiot! Laxatives are not meant to treat coughs. They are meant to relieve constipation.”

“I know,” replied the assistant. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough”.

Whoops, wrong sub.

He was given the cold shoulder.

One says to the other, “I thought you were limiting your sodium intake.”

The other one says, “I wanted to, but Na.”

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

Use the FORKS, Luke!

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE . God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples”

One grabbed the trucker’s cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker’s coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn’t say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, “He ain’t much of a man, is he?”

“He’s not much of a driver, either,” the waitress replied. “He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles.”

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Penguin asks him if there is any place to eat while he waits. The mechanic says there is a great fish and chips right around the corner.

So, the penguin leaves and gets a nice lunch. An hour has passed and he heads back to the repair shop. The mechanic has the car on a lift, so the penguin asks the mechanic if he found the issue.

The mechanic says “It looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin wipes the side of his mouth and says “No, that’s just tartar sauce.”

I live 35 minutes away. Theoretically that gives me just enough time to go home and shower before they realize I’m not coming back.

Two engineers are meeting for lunch. The second arrives on a bicycle that the first doesn’t recognize.

“Where did you get the bike? ” the first asks.

The second explained, “It was the weirdest thing. I was walking over here when a beautiful woman rode up on the bike, hopped off, tore off all her clothes and said ‘take what you want!’ So I took the bike.”

“Good call,” mused the first, “the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Waiter tells him they won’t take his naan cents

So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first

– ‘Ill have a silver bullet’ says the Coors guy

– ‘Ill have the king of beers’ says the Budweiser guy

– ‘Lemonade please’ says the head of Guinness

The other two look at him … ‘Lemonade?’

‘Well if you’re not drinking beer neither am I’

I was like, “What the Hellman?”

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, “Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you’re here to celebrate a special occasion?”

Susan pipes up, “It’s Bob’s birthday!”

“Oh well happy birthday! Make sure you save room because you’ll get a free dessert!”

Tim and Susan smile and nod, but Bob looks a bit confused. He asks her to repeat herself.

“Sure thing, happy birthday! Save room and you’ll get a free dessert.”

There’s a moment of silence before Bob says, “Vroom, vroom!”

He asked his grandfather,”Are you sure you washed it properly?”

“As clean as cold water can get it” was the reply.

So the young man shrugged and started eating.

The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy. It also smelled a bit like dog.

Are you sure you washed it properly?”

“Clean as cold water can get it” was the reply again.

The man, a bit suspicious for his health, looked at his grandfather, than at his plate and started eating.

As he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog jumped out in front of him, growled and generally blocked him from going forward.

“Cold water, leave the poor boy alone!” shouted the old man from inside.

He finds his assistant busy behind the counter, and a man twitching while leaning against the wall. “What’s going on?” he asks. The assistant tells him that the man came in for some cough syrup. “Well, did you give it to him?” asks the chemist. “No, we didn’t have any,” replies the assistant.

>”So what *have* you given him?” asks the chemist. “Laxatives,” replies the assistant. The chemists stares at the assistant, then the man, then back again.

And the assistant says, “Well, he doesn’t want to cough now.”

It was phocked up

The proof is in the pudding.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. “KISS-a-me,” says the husband. “That’s wrong,” says the wife, “The right way to say it is kis-A-me.” “Not necessarily,” says the husband, “It could also be kis-a-ME.”

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide to stop to buy some lunch. After finding a suitable parking place, they head inside to the front counter to order their food.

The husband decides that this is a good opportunity to be proven right, and settle the argument with his wife. “Excuse me,” he says to the waitress at the counter, “My wife and I can’t figure out the right way to pronounce the name of this place. Will you please tell us where we are, and say it slowly so that we get it right?”

“Sure,” says the waitress. “Buuurrrgerrrr Kiiinnnnggg.”

A-Bologna!

… but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!” the manager asked.

“That’s the one!”

“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”

“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.”

He finds his assistant standing by a customer who seems very tense.

“What’s wrong with this man?” The pharmacist asks his assistant.

“He has a terrible cough!” The assistant replied. “And there was no cough medicine so I prescribed him laxatives instead.”

The customer gives a soft groan as the pharmacist looks horrified.

“You can’t prescribe laxatives to treat a cough!”

“Well of course you can,” replied the assistant. “Look at the customer, he’s far too scared to cough”

I shrugged and said: “Good employees are hard to find.”

Fission Chips

Didn’t realise I was eating Allah carte.

Talk about a paneer-death experience

Some would say it was in the mourning.

A: Have lunch.

B: Browse reddit.

Her shirt reveals some cleavage, and a small rose tattooed on one breast. One old lady snickers to her friend, “She doesn’t know it yet, but by the time she’s our age that will be a long-stemmed rose.”

I’m about to have a vowel movement

One said “Hey, I heard your 18-year-old son got into college!”

The other said “Yes, we’re all proud.”

“It is great news,” said the first man. “What do you think he’ll be when he graduates?”

And the second man said “The way HE studies? Probably thirty-five or forty.”

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to

return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her,

the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up for a single

minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve

her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

“While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the

credit card!!!”

This week is National Senior Mental Health Week.

Because it’s deli-cat

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

Two men grow up together as friends. After college, one moves to Ohio, and the other moves to Colorado. They agree to meet every 10 years in Florida to play some golf and catch up with each other.

At age 35 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch.

One asks, “Where do you want to go?”

The other replies, “Hooters.”

“Why Hooters?”

“They have waitresses with beautiful bosoms, tight shorts, and pretty legs.”

“Sounds great.”

At age 45, they meet and play some golf once again.

“Where would you like to go for lunch?”

“Hooters.”

“Again, Why?”

“They have ice cold beer, large televisions, and side action on the sports.”

“Okay.”

At 55, they meet and play yet again. “So where do you want to go for lunch?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“The food is pretty decent, and there’s lots of parking spots.”

“Alright.”

At age 65, they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, “Where should we go for lunch?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Wings are only half price, and the food isn’t very spicy.”

“Good choice.”

At 75, they meet once again.

“Where should we head for lunch?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“They have lots of handicap parking spaces, as well as senior discounts.”

“Alright.”

At age 85 they meet and play again. “Where should we go for lunch?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Because we have never been there before.”

“Okay.”

When it’s almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle.

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off.

Wanting to make sure that he can do his job correctly he decides to go get his watch set by a professional clock maker.

The man goes to the shop and has the clock maker set his watch to the correct time. He tells the clock maker what he does for a living and that it is important that his watch keeps correct time.

The clock maker tells him that he needn’t worry because he set his watch by the clocks in the back and that he can be sure that they’re on time because he sets them every Sunday when the church bells ring at 6am.

The man leaves the shop but starts to ask himself how does the church know exactly when it is 6am?

So he goes to the church and finds the bell ringer and asks him how does he know when to ring the bells and how does he make sure that he has the correct time.

The bell ringer tells him that he rings the bells right when his watch strikes 6am and he’s sure his watch is correct because he checks it every day at noon when the factory goes on break.

Me: How is school going so far?

Son: Good, I had a test.

Me: What was your test on?

Son: Paper.

Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”

– I don’t know, maybe pasta.

She knew the crust was my favorite part. She hated me so much.

The first one says “You won’t believe the terrible thing that’s happened! My son, he left home and became a Christian!”

The other Rabbi says “It’s funny you should mention this! My son, he also left home and now is Christian!”

They can’t believe the exact same thing has happened to both of them and are worried about the implications for the Jewish community at large. They decide to go into the Synagogue and pray about it.

They have just finished praying when a loud voice comes booming down from Heaven:

“IT’S FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THIS…”

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.

At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:

‘You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?’

‘The gold.’

‘Unfortunately, I don’t agree. I’d choose cleverness because that’s more important than money.’

‘Everyone would choose what they don’t have,’ says the student.

The teacher turns red, and he’s so angry he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:

‘Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!’

The priest is chowing down, and says to the rabbi, “Solomon, my friend, someday, somehow, you have to figure out a way for you to try some of this absolutely wonderful Iberico ham. It is heavenly!”

The rabbi responds, “I will Father Rico, I will.”

The priest sits up. “When?”

Rabbi: “At your wedding.”

About twenty minutes after they went upstairs Johnny came downstairs crying. “What’s wrong?” His mother said.

“Daddy slipped and hit his thumb with the hammer!” Said Johnny. “Well…” Johnny’s mother started.

“Thats nothing to cry about, daddy will be alright. Its actually kind of funny, I don’t know why you didn’t laugh when it happened.”

“I did!” Johnny said. “I did!”

The Grandson replies, ” You can’t do that anymore Grandpa, there’s too many cameras now”.

At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?”

She leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”

He can binomial.

Oh well, no harm no fowl

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn’t). When I got home, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, “Happy Birthday!”

Unfortunately I undercooked the chicken and everyone got sick.

I almost killed 2 Stones with 1 bird.

The conversation turns to their lives, and then their partners and relationships.

The accountant says “Marriage for me. I love my wife, she’s my rock, she’s always there for me, I’m nothing without her. I owe her everything.”

The artist says “I’d never marry. I am lost without my mistress. She’s my inspiration, my muse. She feeds my soul.”

The engineer says “Well, I find it’s even better when you have both.”

“BOTH?!?” the artist and accountant exclaim. “Wife AND mistress? How does that work?” asks the accountant.

The engineer says “First, you tell you mistress you’re with your wife. Next, you tell your wife you’re with your mistress. Then you can finally go to the lab and get some work done.”

It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt…

The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

For example:

Johnny ate his own lunch after school.

Johnny ate his own colon after school.

The guy driving is running every red light. The other guy is starting to freak out and says, “Dude?! What the hell are you doing going through those red lights??” The guy driving says, “Its okay, my brother in law does it all the time.” The passenger says, “Well its not okay with me, let me out up here!” They drive a little further up the road and the driver stops at a green light. The passenger says, “Why are you stopped? The light is green.” The driver says, “My brother in law might be coming through.”

After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover’s betrayal. She dresses and immediately heads straight to his apartment, gun tucked in the back of her pants as a failsafe in case things get ugly. Not bothering to knock, she bursts into her boyfriend’s apartment to find him and a brunette cuddled up on the couch. As the reality sinks in, the blonde is overcome with complete despair and rage. She whips the gun out and holds it to her own head. The boyfriend leaps off the couch and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The blonde, a vile look in her crazed eyes, entirely devoid of that love she once knew, snarls, “Shut up. You’re next.”

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, “Never mind boys, I’ll get it.”

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.

The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope’s entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.

But that afternoon, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC reported:

“BIDEN CAN’T SWIM”

The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and look at the civil engineer, “you’ve been awefully quiet?”

“Well it’s pretty obvious that God isn’t a civil engineer. No civil engineer would combine a recreational area with a sewage treatment plant.”

Did you just make them an organ donair?

The first priest says: “My son’s a priest, whenever he walks in a room people say ‘Hello Father!'”

The second priest says: “My son’s a bishop, whenever he walks into a room people say ‘Your Grace!”

The third priest says: “Well my son’s a cardinal, whenever he walks into a room people say “Your Eminence!”

The fourth priest looks at his fellows and says: “My son’s the pope, when he walks into a room everyone says “Your Holiness!”

So, after proudly talking about their kids they look over at the woman with them kind of as if to say “and you?”

The woman says: I’ve got a daughter, she’s got knockout face, DDs, and a 24 waist, whenever she walks into a room everyone says “OH MY GOD!”

So I say to her, “look Mum, my house, my prices!”

And followed with “after lunch to go shopping with my sister.”

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. “I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me.”

I texted her back “Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job”

A minute later I finished the message “-searching and resume building.”

They have been friends for years, talking about their lives and their faith over lunch for as long as they can remember.

One day the priest says, “My friend, I must ask a difficult question, and if you don’t answer, I’ll understand. But I am too curious. Your faith prohibits you from eating any meat that comes from a pig. Have you…have you ever eaten any pork?”

The rabbi sighs and says “Yes, I will admit it. Once when I was a teenager, I was at a party and I tried a little bit of ham. It was one time, a long time ago, and I have never done anything since.”

The priest reassures the rabbi “I am sure God forgives you.”

The rabbi says “So let me ask you…your faith forbids you from sleeping with a woman. Have you…have you ever been with a woman?”

The priest sighs and says “Yes, I admit it. Once, when I was a young man, before I committed to the priesthood, I was with a woman. It was one time, a long time ago, and I have never done anything since.”

The rabbi winks at the priest and says “It’s better than ham, isn’t it?”

“So how’s your home life?” asks the first multimillionaire.

“Couldn’t be better,” replies the second multimillionaire. “I bought an elephant!”

“An elephant? Are you crazy?”

“It’s the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride him and slide down his trunk, so now they are playing outside and being kids instead of just watching TV all day. My wife loves him too. He’s very strong and helps her move things when I’m not around. Honestly, I can’t think of a better pet.”

The first multimillionaire thinks for a moment. “That’s actually kind of amazing. How much did you pay for him?”

“Five hundred thousand dollars. What a bargain, huh?”

“Can I buy him for one million dollars?”

“What?! I can’t sell him. He’s part of my family now!”

“Okay. Two million?”

“You can’t put a price on something so useful!”

“Three million?”

“Fine. I’ll sell him for three million dollars, but only because you’re my friend.”

A few months later, the multimillionaires meet again. The first multimillionaire is raging.

“The elephant may have been useful to you, but he’s a burden to me. He may have grazed your lawn, but he ate all my trees and left dung all over my lawn. The kids are terrified of that huge, noisy, aggressive thing. My wife and I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in months because the elephant keeps us awake. It’s the worst purchase I ever made!”

“I don’t know what to say,” says the second multimillionaire. “But with that attitude, you’ll never be able to sell him!”

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile’s and sometimes a wink.

All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.

The lady says…You were on top…you will have a boy….

The Brunette yells out…..I was on top and I am having a boy.

The elderly lady goes to the Red Haired woman and says….you were on bottom….you will have a girl

The Red Haired Woman yells out….. I was on bottom and I am having a girl

The elderly lady goes to the blonde……

The Blonde starts yelling…. NO….NO….NO… I don’t want you to tell me

The elderly lady says…..What is the problem???

The Blonde says….. You are going to know we did it Doggie style and that I’m having a puppy

You can say I spotted an impasta.

It’s just a curd to me.

One of them says, “My dad’s a pastor. He’s seen a lot since he’s married a lot of people.”

I respond, “I don’t think pastors are supposed to be marrying more than one person.”