Lake Jokes

Lake Flacid

The lake says he shorewood.

Algaebra

A koi pond.

The other blonde shouts back “You’re on the other side!”

Hey, how do I get to the other side? Yelled one blonde

-you are already on the other side. the other one answered

Until I pond it.

I said it’s just like you

She said “aw I’m pretty!”

I said “no I mean large and frigid”

I love my new couch bed.

He goes to the office and the clerk asks, “what can I do for you?” The man says, “well, I just got married and we’d like a room by the lake.”

“Oh, well congratulations,” the clerk said. “I’ll give you a nice cabin by the lake.” He gives the man the keys and directs him to a cabin. He watches as the man drives to the cabin, unloads his luggage, and goes into the cabin with his new bride. A few minutes later, the man emerges from the cabin and starts fishing in the lake.

The man fishes until the sun comes up and the clerk is somewhat bewildered and walks out to where the man is fishing. “Morning,” he says, “catch anything?” The man shakes his head no and the clerk goes on, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’re a newlywed and yet you spent the night fishing. Shouldn’t you be in your cabin expressing your love for your new bride?”

“Well, I would,” says the man, “but my wife has gonorrhea.”

“Oh, I see,” the clerk says. “Well, there are other ways to show your love. She could satisfy you orally.”

“She can’t,” the man says, “because my wife has pyorrhea.”

“Well, there’s always the back door,” the clerk says.

“Can’t do that,” the man says, “my wife has diarrhea.”

“Hmm,” the baffled clerk says. “Let me get this straight. Your wife has gonorrhea, pyorrhea and diarrhea. Why did you marry her?”

“I like to fish, and my wife’s got worms.”

Two men are fishing on a lake when they see a funeral procession passing on a nearby road. One of the men stands up, removes his hat, and bows his head.

“That was a very decent thing to do,” says the second man.

“Well,” sniffles the first, “we were married for 20 years after all.”

A colleague walks up to him and asks: “Who are you calling? There are only 70 boats today.”

The officer looks back at the lake, thinks for a bit, and starts talking again: “Boat 66, is everything ok?”

>A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having a big argument, they are all yelling claiming each one is the greatest form of nature alive.

>To settle this, they come up with a little challenge: Who can kill the most humans with a single action.

>The cloud goes first.

>With all of it’s cloudy might, it clumps up all the energy possibly and it produces the most majestic form of lightning you could ever imagine.

>It travels furiously towards the ground and it savagely ruptures a man in half and burns his remains into a handful of ashes.

>The lake goes second, knowing it was at a disadvantage it waits patiently until there’s a full moon and a high wind so the odds are slightly in its favor, and it manages to produce a very decently sized wave that drags and kills a dozen of college students that were skinny dipping that night.

>Finally it’s the turn of the mighty mountain.

>It was a landslide.

Not sure if someone previously wrote this joke or something, just kinda came to me (not native speaker, sorry for any mistakes!)

The first thing he does is build two long wooden platforms out over the lake. Every day he goes out with a bow and some arrows and stands on one of them while shooting arrows into the lake. One day a curious neighbor goes up to him and asks “what exactly are you doing?”. The physicist replies “well you see, I’ve always been interested in the archer’s pair o’ docks.”

Dead

A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man’s boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.

The man tells the officer that he doesn’t need a fishing license.

The wildlife officer looks down at the bucket and says “you definitely need a license to be catching fish, I can see that you’ve been fishing today. You have live fish right there.”

The man says “oh no, those are my pet fish. I just brought them out here for the day to enjoy the lake.”

“Pet fish?” Replied the wildlife officer

“Oh absolutely, I let him out of the bucket and they swim around and play, but when I whistle they all jump right back in. They are very well trained.”

The wildlife officers scratches his chin, then says. “I’ve never heard such a. Well I’ve got to see this.”

The man dumps the bucket of fish into the lake, then calmly turns and looks at the wildlife officer.

The wildlife officer says. “Well, call them back. “

The man says “call who back.”

The wild life officer says “your pet fish.”

“What fish?” Replied the man.

…when one of them caught a strange-looking lamp. After pulling it off his line, a genie appeared and said, “None of this three wishes nonsense. You get one wish between the two of you, so you better make it good.”

The man who caught the lamp blurts out, “I wish every lake, ocean, and river on Earth were made entirely out of beer!”

The genie snaps his fingers and says, “Done.” and then disappears.

The other fisherman smacks his partner across his face and says, “You idiot! Now we have to pee in the boat!”.

They both rush in to save her, but when they emerge she’s unconscious.

The Englishman asks the German if they know the number for emergency services.

“999.”

The Englishman replies, “fine, I’ll call them myself.”

…all day and hasn’€™t caught anything. He decides to just give up and call it a day, but on his way he notices a young boy fishing few feet away from him. The man immediately notices the kid has several buckets full of fish, then witnesses him reeling in yet another one.

“Excuse me”, the man says, “I’ve never been able to catch much of anything around here. I’ve got to ask, what’s your secret?”

The boy pauses for a moment, then mumbles “hmmm mmmph mmm mmph mmm hmm mmmph”.

“I’m sorry, could you say that again?”

The kid repeats, a little louder this time, “hmmm mmmph mmm mmph mmm hmm mmmph!”

“I-I still didn’t quite get that, sorry”

Finally, the kid spits something into his hand, and yells “You gotta keep your worms warm!”.

Just for fun, they decide to try out this supposedly miraculous lake. The blind guy stumbles in first and stays around in the water for a while, Then he comes out, bouncing with joy, saying “My sight has returned! I can see now!”. The deaf guy went in right after and took a swim. He came out just as happy. “I can hear everything again!” The disabled guy in the wheelchair drives in, splashes around and then comes out, beaming and cheerful. “Guys, I have new tires!”

when the priest announces he needs to use the bathroom. The other two watch as the priest gets out of the boat and walks on top of the water to the lake shore, does his thing, and does the same to return to the boat. About ten minutes later, the minister announces that he, too, needs to go to the bathroom, gets out of the boat and walks on the water to the lake shore, does his thing, and returns to the boat in the same manner.

Upon his return, the rabbi thinks that he can’t let these other two’s religions look superior to his own, and so announces he’s going to the bathroom. He steps off the boat and splashes straight into the water.

The priest turns to the minister and says, “Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?”

They heard fish were in schools.

But if you think about it..

All the Great Lakes are completely full of themselves.

First she dips her toes in the water and it feels great.

She gets into the water up to her knees and she feels amazing.

Then she goes even deeper to put in her thighs, it’s almost ecstatic.

Then she can’t resist no longer so she jumps right into the lake and starts swimming, when the god appears on the sky and calls: “Damn you Eve, I won’t be able to get that smell out of the fishes ever again!”

… A bittersweet victory.

“Moses, is that you?”

“Jesus, you rascal, how have you been?”

“Oh, good, no complaints. Say, you know that thing you did with the Red Sea?”

“You mean parting it?”

“Yeah, that. I missed watching you do that the first time, and well, we’re here by this big lake, so I was wondering if you’d be so kind as to show me? I read the story, it sounded awesome, but I’d like to see it in person.”

Moses shrugged, stood up, lifted his staff, and parted the waters of the lake down to the dry bed. Seeing Jesus grinning, he let the waters recede.

“That was amazing, Moses, thank you.”

“Of course, of course. Anything for the big guy’s son. But while we’re on the subject of lakes, you know, I heard about that trick you pulled at the Sea of Galilee from St. Peter…”

“Oh, the walking on water bit.”

“Yeah, that. Could you demonstrate that one for me?”

“Of course!” Jesus said, taking off his sandals. He lowered his feet to the water and took two steps before sinking up to his ankles.

“Oh, no!” Moses said.

“It’s all right,” Jesus said, wading back to the shore. “Let me try again.”

The next time he got out four steps before sinking up to his knees.

“What’s happening?” Moses cried. “Are you all right? Should I get an angel or something?”

Jesus waded back to the shore and shrugged. “No, that’s okay. I think I figured out what the problem is.”

“What?”

“The last time I did this, I didn’t have holes in my feet.”

They run into a concrete wall that blocks their path.

One fish turns to the other and says ‘Dam’.

Because Americans are drinking Canada Dry.

He gets his friend Moses to come with him, and Moses tells him he should warm up doing miracles before he shows anyone. They rent a cabin on a lake out in the middle of nowhere.

The first day, Jesus takes a wine glass, fills it with water and turns it into wine! Moses is suitably impressed.r>

The second day, they go out on the lake and catch two fish, and Jesus multiplies them so they’ll have plenty. Moses is, again, impressed.

The third day, Jesus decides to walk across the lake. He walks out, but pretty soon the water is up to his knees and he heads back.

“Why can’t I walk on water, Moses?” he asked.

“I have no idea. Let’s take a break and try again tomorrow.”

The next day, Jesus wades out, and again he sinks. “I just can’t understand it!” he cried.

“I still can’t figure it out,” said Moses. “We’ll give it one more try tomorrow.”

The next day, Jesus walked out into the lake again. “Why can’t I walk on water anymore?”

Moses thinks for a moment, then asks, “Well…did you have the holes in your feet last time?”

In court the judge asked the first duck why he was in the lake after hours. The duck said,” I was blowing bubbles.” The judge fined him and let him go.

The second duck came in and the judge asked him what he was doing after hours. The duck said, “I was blowing bubbles.” Annoyed the judge fined him and let him go.

The last duck came in and the judge asked why he was in the lake after hours. Before he could respond the judge said, “Let me guess, you were there blowing bubbles?”

The duck smiled and said, “No sir, My name is bubbles.”

It’s toad-ally like Swan Lake but with more leaping.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish

Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.

Warden: well that’s just a crock of lies!!

Man: here, I’ll show you… (releases the fish into the lake).

Warden: well this I gotta see!!

(5 minutes later…)

Warden: well??

Man: what?

Warden: the fish!! Where’s your pet fish??

Man: what fish??

They finish the drinks in the cooler.

Rabbi: “I’ll go get some more” and he walks across the water, gets more drinks, and walks back across the water.

They finish the drinks again.

Imam: “It’s my turn to get more” and he walks across the water, gets more drinks, and walks back across the water.

They finish the drinks again.

The Rabbi starts to get up, but the Priest stops him.

Priest: “I’ve seen you both walk across the water. Jesus walked on water and if you two can do it, then I can do it. I’m getting the drinks this time.”

He steps over the side of the boat and promptly sinks.

Rabbi to Imam: “Should we have told him where the rocks are?”

Duck “I was caught blowing bubbles in the lake your honor”

Judge “thats stupid, case dismissed”

Next duck comes in.

Judge “why are you here?”

Duck “I was caught blowing bubbles in the lake your honor”

Judge “thats stupid, case dismissed”

Next duck comes in.

Judge “let me guess, you were caught blowing bubbles in the lake?”

Duck “no your honor! I am bubbles”

Jesus and Moses were fishing on a lake one day.

Jesus: Hey Moses, when’s the last time you parted the water. You still got it in you.

Moses: It’s been a while. Let’s see.

And standing in the boat he held out his hands and the water parted.

Moses: What about you? Can you still walk on water?

Jesus: Let’s see.

So Jesus steps out of the boat and sinks

Jesus: I haven’t tried it since I got these holes in my feet.

Credit to u/kaptin_hippy

A couple went out for a walk on the river path.

As they stroll along the path, the husband trips over and falls into the lake. Unfortunately, both of them cannot swim, so the wife panicked and cries for help, but no one is around to help her husband. Luckily for the wife, Lady of the Lake sees this and appeared to the wife,offering to save her husband.

The Lady dives back into the lake, pulls Brad Pitt out and asked, “Is this your husband?” Wife responded, “no”. The Lady dives back again, this time she pulls David Beckham out of the lake and asks the same question, but the wife’s answer is still no. The Lady was very pleased with the wife’s honesty, so she pulls the real husband back up and tells the wife that both Brad and David is hers to keep. Wife thanks the Lady for rescuing her husband, and replies: “Thank you for saving my husband and offering two super hot dudes to me, but I am afraid I won’t be able to sustain this marriage if these guys came home with me.”. Lady understands and takes Brad & David back with her.

The husband woke up shortly after the Lady disappears into the lake, then the wife explained how he was saved. The husband hugs her and thanks her for saving him, then he throws his wife into the lake.

Liquid

Of course they’re swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don’t have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, “rabbi! What are you doing!” The rabbi says, “in *my* community, they recognise me by my face.”

I just don’t get why row vs wade is so controversial. Can’t we all just enjoy the lake together?

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “You know, I wonder if I’ve still got it.” He stands up and spreads his arms out wide. On command, the waters of the lake part, and the boat settles on the ground. He brings his arms back in, and the water comes rushing back, lifting the boat back to the surface.

Jesus says, “That’s cool. I wonder if I still have it.” He stands up to the edge, takes his first step onto the water…and sinks straight down to the bottom.

Moses quickly does his water-parting trick and pulls Jesus back into the boat. “Wow, what happened?”

“Well, the last time I did that, I didn’t have these damn holes in my feet!”

The first cats name is One, two, three, while the second cats name is Un, deux, trois. Which cat makes it to the other side of the lake?

One, two, three makes it across because Un, deux trois, quatre, cinq.

This is by far one of the worst jokes I’ve ever heard and you can only understand it if you know some French. Regardless it never ceases to make me chuckle.

One beautiful day in Heaven, Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake. After a while of silence, Jesus asked Moses, “Hey Moses, can you still do it? You know… ‘Your thing’?” Moses then answered, “I don’t know, let me see if I still got it!”

He then stood up and drew his arms forwards, and then separates them. As soon as he did it, the lake’s water divided into two and the boat fell to the dry bottom of the lake. Moses happily then said, “Ah ha! I can still do it!!” Then after he closed his arms and the lake came back to normal, with the boat rising on top of it, he then asked Jesus, “So, how about you? Can you still do it, ‘your thing’?” Jesus then answered, “Only one way to find out!”

Jesus then stood up and jumped out of the boat, and started walking on the lake. But after a few steps of walking, he then fell into the water and started drowning. Moses seeing this, rushed to save Jesus and get him out of the water. When Jesus was finally saved, Moses, looking confused, then asked him, “Hey, what happened? How did you fall into the water??”

Jesus, still breathing faintly, then answered him, “Ha– Ha– I just remembered– That I still got holes in my feet– From that day–”

He was drifting slowly into salinity.

After some time of walking and because its such a hot Summerday, they decide to go skinny dipping in a Lake nearby.

After a long and refreshing swim, they return to the shore and find their clothes missing.

They both decide to risk it and return home as fast as possible.

As luck will have it, while in their way back they run into a group of People.

The Priest covers his genitals, while the Rabbi covers his Face.

After the People have left the Priest asks the Rabbi:”What was that supposed to be??”

The Rabbi smiling:”Well my Friend, my community recognizes me by my face.”

A man approaches, and asks the first duck what his name is and what he is doing. The duck replies “My name is Raymond, and I’m going underwater and blowing bubbles!” The man asks the same of the second duck, and gets the response “My name is Nandy and I’m going underwater and blowing bubbles!” He asks the third duck the same question and the duck replied “My name is Bubbles, and I’m having the most wonderful day!

He was never baptised and wanted to see what it was all about, so he asked the priest if he could be baptised and the priest said sure.

The Priest ducks the mans head underwater and says “Did you see Jesus?” “No” replied the man

He ducks the mans head under again “Did you see Jesus?” And again the same reply “No”

For the third and final time he ducks his head under the water and says “Did you see Jesus?” The Man, now confused, looks to the Priest and says “Are you sure he fell in here?”

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He’s not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The waiter asks him what he wants, and the Elk

hesitates for a second.

“Locomotive.”

The waiter is puzzled. “What?”

“Land Rover.”

“Sir, that’s not on the menu.”

“Lake Michigan.”

The waiter is unsure what to say. Frustrated, the Elk brings his leg up on the table to point out what he wants on the menu.

“This is what I want.”

“Sir, you don’t have any fingers… I can’t tell what you’re pointing at.”

“Just give me the damn spaghetti.”

Edit: Here’s the obscure reference the joke is based off of: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/c596eb/comment/es0goq7

Sorry to everyone who was confused, I didn’t expect the post to gain this much traction.

Because Ohio sucks!

and said, “Honey, the car won’t start, but I know what the problem is.”

I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, “You know I don’t mean this badly, but you’re not mechanically inclined. You don’t know the carburettor from the radiator.”

“No, there’s definitely water in the carburettor,” she insisted.

“Ok, honey, that’s fine, I’ll just go take a look. Where is it?”

“In the lake.”

There was a sign that said “No swimming”.

He’d light a stick of dynamite and throw it out in the water, then pull in the dead fish after it went off.

The game warden pulls up in his boat along side Old Ted’s and says “Ted, you know it’s illegal to dynamite for fish?”

Old Ted doesn’t say a word, just picks up another stick, lights it, then throws it into the game warden’s boat.

Then he says “Well, warden, you gonna talk, or you gonna fish?”

The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure his poor eyesight. The angel tosses the man’s glasses into the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s vision clears and he can see everything distinctly.

The angel now turns to the third guy, who throws up his hands in fear. “Don’t touch me!” he cries.

“I’m on disability!”

Great place to visit, I just got back from a trip myself. I’ve always loved hunting, fishing, boating, just being out in nature…and it’s all there for you to enjoy! There’s one thing you should know before you visit though, and I found out the hard way.

Early one morning I’d taken my boat out on the water to try and catch myself some dinner. An hour or so had gone by when a couple of patrol boats sped up to me. I told them good morning and asked them why they’d come to chat with me.

“You must be new around here. Another one of those damn tourists. It is your responsibility to know the laws of a place before visiting. Boats on this lake are only permitted to travel on the outer perimeter, in a clockwise direction. On Lake McConaughy it’s always all right, all right, all right.”

Because he didn’t wanna break the ice

A man travels the world, throwing bears into lakes. In Asia, he threw a sun bear into a lake, but all that happened was that the bear became angry. In North America, he threw a grizzly into a lake, and again it was angry. In Europe he threw in a brown bear, and again it was angry. Finally, he went to the Arctic, and threw a bear into a lake, and that bear dissolved, since it was a polar bear.

A motor goat

Worst summer vacation ever.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “Check out what I can do!” He proceeds to stand up in the boat, strike his staff, and boom! The water parts and the boat is resting on the bottom! After holding the water back for a few seconds, he releases his hold on the water. “I bet you can’t do anything that beats that!” Moses states triumphantly.

So Jesus stands up and says “Well, I think I might have something.” He climbs on to the edge of the boat, takes a step, and falls straight into the water.

Moses, laughing until tears were coming from his eyes, helps Jesus back into the boat. “What the hell!” Jesus says while sputtering and coughing up water. “The last time I did that, it worked fine and I walked straight across!”

Moses, still laughing at the sight of Jesus being soaked, says “Well last time you didn’t have those holes in your feet!”

One of them catches a large sturgeon but as he pulls the sturgeon on board their little rowing boat it starts talking:

“Please my good men, set me free again and I will grant each of you a wish!”.

The Finnish anglers agrees to release the fish and once gently back in the water, the fish asks the first man what he wishes for.

“I wish … I wish that the entire lake Päijänne … was filled with the purest Koskenkorva vodka!”

– “As you wish” replied the fish and in an instant the entire lake was made of vodka.

The fish then turned to the second man. “What do you wish for my good man?”

– “Oh… I wish … that when we get to shore … three naked ladies are waiting for us … in three luxurious sport cars with the trunk filled with millions of euros”.

– “As you wish” and suddenly the men could see three gorgeous looking women and three black Masaratis waiting for them at the shore.

“Now, what shall your last wish be?” asked the sturgeon to the last fisherman.

– “Yes… Perhaps I could use a little more vodka”

An older couple owned a quite fishing lodge with a beautiful lake. They often rented their cabins to fishermen but now and again they had honeymooners stay with them.

A young couple just checked in to their honeymoon suite. And five minutes later the husband was out on the lake in a boat fishing.

Well Georgina, the wife of the couple who owned the lodge noticed the newlywed out fishing and said to her husband, Bob, it’s just not right that he’s out there fishing on their wedding day. You should go out and talk to him.

So Bob loads a case of beer in his own boat and rows out next to the newlywed .

Bob says to the young guy you know it’s none of my business, but don’t you think you should be spending time with your bride.

And the young guy replies you’re right it is none of your business, but my wife has gonorrhea .

Well, this took Bob back a bit and they drink a few more beers and then Bob says to them you know if your wife is a little more adventurous you can find another way to have intimacy . The young fella replied well, it is none of your business, but my wife also has pyorrhea.

Needless to say, Bob was at a loss for words. They sat fishing and drinking beer for another hour or so and then Bob looked at the young fellow and said you know my wife was a lot of fun when she was young there’s still one other way for you to have intimacy with your wife.

So the young fella looked at him after about half a case of beer and said well, it’s none of your business, but my wife also has diarrhea .

Needless to say Bob was un prepared for this and he blurted out “ who in the hell would marry a woman who has gonorrhea, pyorrhea and diarrhea?

He replied well she has worms too and I like to fish .

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it’s a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren’t as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night.

In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.

The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up.

In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing – the squire from the third kingdom.

And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

They come to a 210 yard par three that only a lake between tee and green. Jesus turns to Moses and asks what club would tiger woods use on this hole? Moses says Lord tiger would use a 4 iron but you should use a 3 wood. Jesus pulls a 4 iron and sure enough he ball lands in the water. Moses says I’ll take care of this. He walks to the edge of the lake parts the waters snd retrieves the ball. Once again Jesus ask what club would Tiger Woods use on this hole. Moses gives the same answer. Jesus tees up and plop into the lake. Moses says I’ll get it but Jesus says. I I’ll take care of it. He walks out onto the lake. Right then the group behind them. One says to another and says look at that guy who does he think he is Jesus Christ?

Moses turns snd says NO HE THINKS HES TIGER WOODS.

They decide to get to the shore, so Jesus leaves the boat first and walks over the water to the shore.

Chuck Norris leaves second and also walks over the water to the shore.

The Pope, being baffled, also tries to take a step out of the boat but immediately falls in, so he has to swim to the shore.

Back on land the Pope asks Jesus and Chuck Norris how they were both able to walk on the water.

Jesus replies with “Oh, I should have told you about the rocks which are close to the surface of the water”

Chuck Norris then asks “What rocks?”

He was tied up, had chains wrapped around him, and had seven bullet wounds.

When the local sheriff was asked what had happened, the sheriff replied, “It is truly the worst damn case of suicide I’ve ever seen.”

Pete fell off. Who’s left?

Hoping to see the famous monster, he looks around and spots a local.

– Excuse me, sir, – he asks. – If I may ask, when does the monster usually appear?

– Usually after the sixth whiskey, sir.

“I know, I’m trying to explain why my car is in the lake.”

The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.

“It’s been almost 4000 years since I did this one” Moses says, then raises his arms. The water parts, revealing the floor of the lake.

Jesus claps His hands and says “Good one! It’s only been about 2000 years since I did this” and steps off the boat onto the water, and sinks into the lake.

Moses parts the water and throws a line down to the soaking wet Jesus, and helps Him back onto the boat.

Jesus says “That was embarrassing. I guess I need to clear my mind and focus.” Jesus closes His eyes, takes a deep, slow breath, then steps off the boat again. Again He sinks to the bottom of the lake.

Moses parts the water and helps Jesus up again. Moses says “Hey, maybe we should just head back and You can try again tomorrow” but Jesus says “No, I can do this.” He mouths a silent prayer, winks at the sky, and again sinks when He steps off the boat.

Moses parts the water a third time and helps Jesus up. Jesus looks shaken and looks at His feet, then smiles.

“I know what’s wrong now. Last time I didn’t have these damn holes in my feet.”

Now it’s just a dell rolling in the deep

Days or maybe even weeks go by without it interacting with anyone or anything.

It drifts mindlessly around, because no one is there to direct it. It starts to day dream about a time where it wasn’t alone in a glorified pond.

A few more weeks go by of this boring life, when it suddenly feels the current pick up beneath it.

It drifts faster towards some pull until it eventually hits a cement wall.

It thinks, “Finally! Someone to talk to!” So the it decides to start a conversation, but the wall never responds.

Eventually, it realizes that the wall probably wasn’t interested in talking back.

He thinks of moving on, but wants to tell his friend that he’s going to do so, so he turns to the wall and says, “Dam, I’m board.”

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it’s Moses’ turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it’s time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It’s hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: “I hate playing with your dad.”

Sorry if it’s a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I’m not a native English speaker.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

Because it’s sodi-yummm!

(Read in a Norwegian accent)

So Ole and Sven are on da lake fishin and da fish are bitin pretty good, but when Sven sets da hook, he falls overboard. Sven can’t svim you see, so Ole jumps in da lake after ‘im.

It’s pretty dark down d’ere but Ole is feeling along the bottom and he suddenly feels clothes. So he grabs on, svims up to da surface, lays ‘im out in da boat, and starts giving ‘im da kiss ‘o life.

When he comes up for his next breath, Ole tinks “pe-ew!, Dat vas some bad coffe Sven had dis mornin! His breath reeks!” As he’s goin back in he suddenly stops and tinks, “Now wait a minute… Sven vasn’t vearing a snowmobile suit vhen he fell in… Who is dis?!”

The American is put before the executioner and is asked: “What are your final 3 wishes ?”

The American replies: “My first wish is to smoke one last cigarette”

They bring him one last cigarette, he somkes it and the executioner asks him: “Your 2nd wish ?”

American: “To drink one last shot of wiskey before I die”

They bring him one shot of wiskey, he drinks it and the executioner asks: “And your final wish ?”

American: “I wish I was burried near George Washington”

So he is executed an burried near Washington.

Then comes the Englishman’s turn.

When asked about his first wish he replies: “I want to skate on that lake over there”.

Executioner: “But it’s not frozen.”

Englishman: “No problem. We’ll wait until it freezez!”

They waited until winter came, the lake froze and the Englishman skated on it.

Executioner: “Your 2nd wish ?”

Englishman: “To swim in the lake”

Executioner: “But now it’s frozen”

Englishman: “No problem. We’ll just wait until it defrozez”

They waited until summer came, the lake unfroze and the Englishman swam in it.

Executionar: “And your final wish ?”

Englishman: “To be burried near Queen Elizabeth II”

Executioner: “But she’s not dead.”

Englishman: “No problem. We’ll just wait until she dies!”

Without thinking, Descartes ceases to exist.

Ben jumped into the lake to rescue Al. When he finally found Al, he threw the body onto the boat and Carl pulled him up.

As soon as Ben was safely in the boat, he noticed that Al wasn’t breathing, so he quickly gave Al mouth-to-mouth.

“Yuck!” said Ben. “I don’t remember Al having such bad breath.”

“Come to think of it,” said Carl, “I don’t remember him wearing ice skates either.”

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture — soon, he’s been on every animal on the farm.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.

The sad farmer shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself.”

Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, “Shhh, they’re getting closer.”

Me: Actually, since we’re underground, it would be magma

Devil: You understand this is why you’re here, right?

It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!

An English cat named “OneTwoThree” and a French cat named “UnDeuxTrois” decided to swim across the lake, but only one cat survived the journey. Which cat made it?

OneTwoThree, because UnDeuxTrois cat sank

He says to them, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I got a call from Jesus, He has returned and is ready to save those worthy of being saved. “

Everybody is thinking, “This is EXCELLENT news! What could possibly be the bad news?!”

He then says, “The bad news is that he was calling from Salt Lake City, Utah.”

I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

-Emo Philips

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.

The first kingdom was the richest – smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king who made the lives of his townsfolk quite enjoyable. They had want for nothing, for they had many riches.

The second kingdom wasn’t as fine – its outer walls of cobblestone and wood held the middle-class villagers, who had to slap on some elbow grease once in a while to get things done.

But the third kingdom was the most desolate of all – rotting walls of wood housed the peasants, farmers and slaves. Ridden with disease and dirt, one’s dream house would be anywhere but here.

One day, the king of the first kingdom decides he wants the lake, for it is a valuable resource, and so he wages war on the other two kingdoms over the lake; winner takes all.

For such a war, the first kingdom sends out a hundred war-trained knights clad in the finest steel armor you’ve ever seen with polished swords and armored stallions of battle. To accompany them, a squire is assigned to each knight to tend to his every need, no matter how demanding.

The second kingdom, since they’re not as wealthy as the first, sends out fifty knights with top-notch leather armor and a few horses, as well as two dozen squires for the lot.

The third kingdom sends out its only warrior with the suit of armor his father passed down to him when he died of smallpox. Seeing as said warrior is quite elderly, they task their king’s only squire to him to aid him in his endeavours.

The night before the battle, the first kingdom’s knights have a huge party. They get drunk off their asses with wine and mead, and everyone has one hell of a night.

The second kingdom’s knights don’t have such luxuries, so they sit around a large fire with pints of ale and recount battle-won victories of the past, with the squires offering music and dancing for entertainment.

The third kingdom’s lone knight decides he’s not in the mood to party since he’s way past 50, and has a small beer before nodding off under a tree. The squire makes him beef stew in a pot, and hoists it up in the tree with a noose around a thick branch to consume it for breakfast before their battle.

The sun rises, roosters crow, and the knights awaken. The first kingdom’s knights all have head-splitting migraines from their hangovers; the second kingdom’s knights aren’t doing that well either; the third kingdom’s knight slept in. They collectively decide that no one’s in the mood to wield a sword and kill anyone, so the three kingdoms send their squires out to battle. And what a battle! Blood was spilled, skulls were shattered, enemies were slain, and against all odds, the lone survivor of this massacre was the lone squire from the third kingdom. As was agreed by the three kings, the third kingdom was given the lake.

I suppose it goes to show that the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is equal to the squires of its two opposing sides.

Quattro Sinko…

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: “Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.”

God continued, “I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly and kindest people on the earth.”

“But Lord,” asked Gabriel, “don’t you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?”

“Not really,” replied God, “just wait untill I make their neighbours ”

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, “For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity.”

Then St Peter turns to the Uber driver, and said, “For your 2 years as an Uber driver, we will give you a giant mansion by the lake, and a Ferrari in a heated garage.”

The priest thought it was strange and unfair, and protested, “Why does the Uber driver deserve so much more than me, when I have devoted my whole life to the church and God?”

St Peter explained, “You see – during your sermons, half of the audience was sleeping, and the other half was just looking at their phones; but when the Uber driver was driving, everyone was praying!”

(Translated and modernized from an old joke in a different language)

On each side of this lake there was a kingdom. Kingdom 1 was rich and proud. They showed off their wealth at every corner. Kingdom two was wealthy as well, but was humble about it. Kingdom 3 was in great debt, and was struggling to keep their citizens alive.

One day, the kingdoms started a war over control of the lake. Kingdom 1 sent 100 of the finest knights, each with their own personal squire. Kingdom 2 sent 50 knights, each again having a personal squire. Kingdom 3, being poor, was only able to send out 1 old knight, who was long past his prime, as well as 1 squire.

The night before the war, Kingdoms 1 and 2 had large parties and got very drunk overnight. Kingdom 3, on the other hand, did very differently. The squire took a rope and made a noose. He tied it to a tree and then tied a pot to the rope. He had what was probably his last dinner from that pot.

On the day of the war, the knights from kingdoms 1 and 2 were so hungover that they could not fight. The lod night was to weary to fight as well, so the squires fought in the knight’s places. Much blood was spilt, but when the dust settled, only 1 squire remained. It was the squire from kingdom 3.

This goes to show that despite how it may have looked at the beginning, the squire of the “High pot and noose” was equal to the squires of the other sides combined.

(It’s a little math joke for those that don’t know)

Now it’s syncing.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knights and thirty squires with many horses and wagons laden with food and wine. The second being well-off sent ten knights and twenty squires as well as several wagons of food and drink. The last kingdom had only one knight who was very aged and rather decrepit and had but the one squire. They brought with them a single iron pot and a horse with food enough for the journey. The first evening much revelry was had- wine was shared and spilled in equal measure great haunches of meat were roasted and cut and all are well. The old knight counseled that there were rats on the island and food should be moved off the ground to avoid them spreading plague. The Knights and squires of the first and second kingdoms disregarded his advice saying “Pfah! What does he know? We are so many no rats would dare bother us!” But the squire of the third kingdom listened attentively to his old knight and hauled their old iron pot on a rope over a branch preventing the rats from finding it. In the morning all the warriors of the first two kingdoms were ill finding rat droppings in their food and sleeping-things and several of them could barely even stand, let alone fight. That night the partying was subdued but still jubilant. Old grudges were settled by the fireside tales of heroism told and retold and many casks of wine were emptied and tossed aside. Again the old knight counseled the gathered warriors. He warned them that bandits had long preyed on dwellers of this island, making off with any valuables they could. “Pfah! What does the old man know?” They cried well into their cups. “Surely no bandit would trouble such an assembled group of warriors!” But the lone squire from the third kingdom listened intently to his wise old master and hung a noose beside their pot dangling from the tree so that bandits might see the penalty for troubling them and be warned away. The day of the tournament came and the Knights and squires of the first and second kingdoms emerged from their tents to find their fine armour and weapons stolen in the night by bandits. Amazed they hunted around but even their horses were gone. The Knights could not fight at all and only a very few of their squires could craft cudgels with which to do battle. But the crafty squire of the third kingdom had warned bandits away and his battered old pot helm and coat of plates and his dented old sword were safe in his tent. He took to the field under the gaze of his master and although the other squires allied against him, he defeated those who were well and well-armoured enough to fight him. And thus we learned that the squire of the high pot and noose was equal to the sum of squires on the other two sides.

Thousands of years ago, the ancestor of the Hungarians Attila the Hun came to Transylvania.

He saw a beautiful lake, left his gilded armor, his Damascus sword and his white stallion on the shore and went for a swim.

When he got out of the lake – armor was gone, sword was gone and the horse was nowhere to be found.

Now you tell me – who were the first in Transylvania, Romanians or Hungarians?

(Romanian joke 🙂 )

Current leads suggest that the bears’ location to be somewhere in the goldilock zone

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knght with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.

The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.

The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.

And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes there could be benefits to either choice. Perhaps the box of novels could be about sailing or survival. On the other hand the criminals could be experienced in sailing or survival.

He decides the most important thing about either is gonna be how heavy they are. He is going to be using a really small boat and too much weight could slow him down or cause him to sink.

In order to figure out which one will benefit him the most he decides to weigh the prose and cons.