Hose Jokes

I get it, I need a new hose.

Hose A and Hose B.

Because they’re not long enough.

A firewoman!

he’s got all the hose

It could never find anyone into its kink.

But then I remember not to kink shame.

>!We are gonna need more hose!<

Some would call it a kink

Hare spray.

Gardener. They get all them hose.

Because bros before hose.

A mathematician is interviewing for a prestigious job. To make sure he has the right morals, the interviewer gives him the following situation:

“You’re late for a meeting, when you come across a burning house, a fire hydrant, and a fire hose lying across the street. What do you do?”

The mathematician responds:

“People’s lives are more important than the meeting. I screw the fire hose into the hydrant and put out the fire before coming to the office.”

The interviewer is impressed, but asks him a followup question just to make sure:

“You’re late for a meeting when you pass a fire hose connected to a hydrant, next to a perfectly safe house. What do you do?”

The mathematician thinks for a moment, then replies:

“I unscrew the fire hose, carry it across the street, and set the house on fire. Then I’ve reduced it to a problem I’ve already solved.”

Hose

“Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days”. The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

Doc says, “What’s the problem…didn’t the glasses help you?”

r>”The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”

He had kinky hose.

The first question asked “You see a burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?” After much deliberation, the Mathematician decides he would attach the hose to the hydrant. He is then asked “You see a non-burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?” to which the Mathematician immediately responds, “I’ll set the house of fire to reduce this to a problem I’ve already solved.”

He couldn’t trust his hose.

Jose and Hose-B

He’s been sat in there with a hose through the window for hours!

So, a fireman comes home from work one day, and says to his wife, “you know, we have a wonderful system at the firehouse. Bell 1 rings, and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings, and we all slide down the pole. Bell three rings, and we all get on the trucks”.

“So from now on, we’re going to run the house in the same way. When I say Bell 1, We strip naked. When I say Bell 2, We jump into bed. And when I say Bell 3, we make love all night”.

The next night, the fireman came home from work, and yelled, ‘Bell 1!’ and his wife dutifully took off all her clothes. Then he yelled ‘Bell 2!’ and she got into bed. And he yelled ‘Bell 3!’ and they began to make love. After 2 minutes, his wife yelled, ‘Bell 4!’

‘What the hell is Bell 4?’ asked her husband.

‘Roll out more hose, you’re nowhere’s near the fire!’

Hose.

A parachute might fail. A water hose will definitely get caught on something.

A gardener doesn’t want his hose to have kinks.

A mathematician had a change of heart and decided to embark on a career change to become a fire fighter. He walks into a fire station, approaches the supervisor and demands to be hired.

Even though there were positions open, the supervisor doesn’t consider the mathematician very practical and decides to give him two tests before he hired the mathematician.

The supervisor takes the mathematician to the back of the station and lights the dumpster on fire, saying “What do you do?” The mathematician immediately picks up a hose and puts the fire out.

The supervisor now asks his final question, “Now that the dumpster is not on fire, what do you do?”

The mathematician thinks and says “This problem can be reduced to a problem with a known solution.” and lights the dumpster on fire.

You would be too if your hose was hanging out all day…..

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, “Take off my skirt.” I took off her skirt. “Take off my shoes.” I took off her shoes. “Now my hose, bra, and panties.” I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, “I don’t want to catch you wearing my things ever again.”

The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure and trajectory, extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Then, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.

felt like someone else was doing the dishes

The cow could hardly walk and kept bumping into things. Fearing it might hurt itself, he called his vet to come have a look at the cow. The vet took one look at the cow and told the farmer “I’ve seen this before. You stand up there in front and watch her eyes.” The vet took out a section of hose, pushed it up into the cow’s behind and blew just a little puff of air in. The cow’s eyes went very wide and straitened right out. The vet charged the $150 and went on his way.

A few months later the same cow had the same problem and the farmer thought “I’m not paying another $150. I can fix this myself.” He grabbed a farm hand, a section of garden hose, and they headed out to the field. When they got there he instructed the farm had to stand up in front of that cow and watch her eyes. The farmer inserted the section of hose and blew a little, but the cow’s eyes didn’t move. He blew and a bit harder, but nothing. He blew until he was about to pass out with no results. The farm hand suggested they switch places. The farmer went up front and when the farm hand got to the back he pulled the hose out and flipped it around. The farmer said “boy, what the hell after you doin?” The farm hand said “well you didn’t think I was about to put my mouth where you just had yours, did ya?”

She was dragging along a huge barrel full of tomatoes. I said, “Hey, what are you gonna do with all those tomatoes?” The farmer’s wife said, “Well, we eat what we can. And what we can’t, we can.”

Honey, sweetie, pumpkin, baby, whatever it takes

He’s got hose in different area codes.

His original intent was to give one cookie to everyone, but these women, in their red coats, just couldn’t seem to decide between something.

He called the police thinking it had grown too serious. The police came, and the women were identified as the Raign family cousins and arrested.

Then his wife approached him. She said, “Why would you call the police on this jolly day?” He answered, “To write off the red, hosed, Raigns, dear.”

The vet gives her a lotion to put on the dog, and tells her to get Nair to put on the affected area, thereby removing its hair in that area.

The lady goes to the store where a clerk takes her to the Nair. He advises her “if you put this on your legs, don’t wear panty hose for a few days”. The lady tells the clerk that it’s not for her legs. “Well then if your putting it on your arms, be sure to wear short sleeves”. The lady tells him, “No, it’s not for my arms either.”

Perplexed, the clerk asks “Well ma’am, where are you going to put it?” The lady says “On my schnauzer”. The clerk looks shocked and exclaims “well ma’am you better not ride a bike for a week!!”.

Because they are used to garden hose

Saw him the next day looking defeated, he said he forgot he owned a hybrid

He named one José.

He named the other one hose B.

With the help of a hose eh.

Every escort I met had a different weired fetish, something I found deeply annoying.

Mainly because I trained as plumber and always hated getting the kinks out of the hose.

When the economist arrives home, he turns on the garden hose in his front yard and sprays a huge blast of water on the fire. This completely puts out the fire, but now a section of the house is covered in water.

The next day, the arsonist lights a chemist’s house on fire.

When the chemist arrives home, he carefully studies the fire, then meticulously studies the water in his hose. Then he sprays just enough water on the fire that the fire is put out, and the house remains completely dry.

The next day, the arsonist lights a mathematician’s house on fire.

When the mathematician arrives home, he looks at the fire, looks at his garden hose, says, “A solution exists,” and goes inside.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they’d be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not…the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them “Boys, I’m sorry to tell you this but I’m not confident you could handle a fire at my plant. I’m going to contract with the nearby big-city fire department”.

A few months later the unthinkable happens and the plant catches fire. The owner calls the big-city fire department, and when they show up the fire chief decides that it’s just too dangerous to approach the plant. He decides to set up a roadblock to prevent anyone from going near it, and they begin to wait it out. Just then the local boys come barreling down the road, fire bell clanging and siren blaring . The driver is waving his arms to get the big-city firemen to move out of the way, and crashes right through the barricades. They smash through an overhead door into the plant, set up a few hoses and start fighting the fire. The guys without hoses grab shovels and start flinging dirt onto the fire.

The big-city fire chief sees this and shouts “C’mon boys, let’s get in there and help ’em out!” After a few hours their efforts pay off, and they manage to save a large portion of the plant. The owner is happy as he can be, and tells the local fire chief “That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! Thank you! I’m going to write you a check and donate $10,000 to your fire department! Do you have any idea how you’re going to spend it?” The local chief thinks for a moment and says:

“Well, I don’t know what we’re going to do with the rest, but first thing tomorrow morning that fire engine is getting new brakes!”

Coz he got rid of all his hose.

On an unrelated note, my mum needs a new garden hose.

No whey, Hose A.

I bought my wife a ‘zoo-keeper experience’ for her birthday. She really enjoyed it up until the part where they scrubbed her down with a broom and a hose.

A lady was showing her dog at all of the local shows but despite having a tremendous dog, she never placed higher than third. She cornered one of the judges after one show and asked why her dog never won.

“Well, the problem is that your dog has too much hair between its toes and we have to deduct points because of that. You have a great dog, but it’s not winning because of the hair between its toes.”

Upset, the lady says, “I trim it as close as possible! What can I do!?”

“Well”, the judge said, “go to the pharmacy and get some liquid hair remover and put it between your dog’s toes. You’ll be able to pull the hair right out and you’ll win best in show, I guarantee it!”

So the lady rushed to the pharmacy to find the liquid hair remover. She went up and down every aisle but couldn’t find it. The pharmacist saw her searching and asked if he could help.

“I’m looking for liquid hair remover, and I can’t find it.”

The pharmacist said, “It’s on aisle ten. I’ll show you.” He walked her over and picked up the bottle. As he handed it to her he said, “Now, after you use this, you can’t wear panty hose for a couple of days because the chemicals will bond the nylon to your skin.”

The lady said, “Oh, it’s not for my legs, it’s for my schnauzer.”

And the pharmacist said, “Well in that case, don’t ride a bicycle for at least a week.”

They found him in his garage, with a hose in his drivers side window, leading to the charging port of his Tesla.

So she took it to the vet. The vet said no wonder it won’t listen I’ve never seen that much hair in a dogs ears. He clipped some out and said goto the pharmacy and buy a bottle of nair hair remover.

Put a little on a qtip and rub back in there and that’ll take care of the problem.

So she went and seen the pharmacist standing and asked for a bottle of nair he said I got a bottle right here but whenever you put this in your legs don’t wear any hose for 3 days. She said I’m not putting in on my legs.

He said well when you put this under your arms don’t wear any deodorant for 3 days. She said I’m not putting it under my arms.

He asked well where you putting it. She said on my schnauzer.

He said well don’t ride a bicycle for 3 days.

The beginning of the first class in college a professor wanted to stir things up, to make a point he said “If there are any idiots in this room, will you please stand up”

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?”, inquired the professor in a snidely voice.

“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “ I just hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

Hurt like hell, but healed very quickly.

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with our neighbor’s daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counseling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

John