Did you hear the one about the hat?
Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?
I put a hat on my knee…
What did the bra say to the hat?
I Lost My Hat
The priest approaches and says, “Wow! I can’t remember the last time I saw you here! What brings you here today?”
The man replies, “Good morning, father! Well you see, ten years ago I lost my hat and I have come to get it back!”
The priest replies, “Ten years? What makes you think it would be here after all that time?”
“Good question father,” replies the man. “It’s not exactly my hat, but I know that Solomon comes here every Sunday and he wears the same hat. So I figured that when he goes into confession, I’ll just nip on over and take it for myself!”
The priest is a bit disappointed, but leaves the man to his devices.
The service goes on as normal, and afterwards the priest notices that the man is still sitting there with no hat.
“Well,” says the priest. “Looks like you changed your mind! I’m glad!”
The man replies, “Oh yes, father! You see, I was going to take Solomon’s hat, but I was listening to your service this morning and it really resonated with me. I especially enjoyed the part about the Ten Commandments!”
With a bit of smugness, the priest says, “Ah, so you must have liked the part about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’?”
“Not quite, father,” says the man. “It was actually the one about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ and I remembered where I left my hat!”
Did you hear about a man who got arrested for stealing hats?
New Hat
The lady replied, …… “Sir, if I take my hands off of my hat it will blow away”……
“I understand,..ma’am,….. but …. you aren’t wearing any panties”, ….. replied the gentleman.
The lady looked down then …… back up at the gentleman and said.”Sir, …. anything you see down there is 60 years old. I bought this hat yesterday”….
A man is lying on a nudist beach wearing only a hat covering his crotch
He replies, “If you were even the teensiest bit of a woman, the hat would lift by itself.”
Duck in a hard hat and hi-vis vest walks into a bar.
The barman eyes him as he pours. “I haven’t seen you in here before,” he says.
“Yeah,” replies the duck. “Do you know the big building surrounded by scaffolding down the street? I’m working in there for the next month. It’s a big refurbishment. Pretty knackered by it…”
“Well,” the barman replies, “you’re always welcome here.”
The next day, after work, the duck returns to the bar wearing his hard hat and the hi-vis vest. As before, he looks exhausted, takes off the hat and orders a pint.
“How’s the job going?” asks the barman.
“Back-breaking,” replies the duck. “I really need a new job. If I could work anywhere else, I would…”
On the third day, a ringmaster walks into the bar. He removes his hat and takes a seat, ordering a beer.
The barman pours and says, “Haven’t seen you in here before…”
The ringmaster replies, “Yeah, do you know the big park nearby? We are putting the Big Top up. The circus is in town this weekend and I’m just getting my bearings round the place.”
Remembering the duck and his woes, the barman says, “Listen, I have something you might be interested in. For the last two days, we’ve had this talking duck coming in. Says he’s unhappy and I’m wondering if, maybe, you could help him out.”
“Absolutely,” says the ringmaster, excitedly handing the barman his card. “We haven’t had a talking duck in years! Please pass my details on and we could have a word.”
A short time later, after the ringmaster has left, the duck returns. This time he looks even more exhausted and he plods up to the bar, sits down and takes off his hard hat. Dejected, he requests a beer.
Instead of the beer, the barman pushes the ringmaster’s card along the surface and says, “Listen, you’ve to give this guy a call.”
The duck looks at the card. “What’s up?”
The barman says, “You said you were unhappy in your job. This guy says he’s got a job for you…”
The duck picks up the card and says, “Why, is he looking for a joiner?”
Did you know a kayak can be worn as a hat?
How do you know a hat belongs to a little drummer boy?
Farmer lost his hat
Not wanting to lose those days of work, the farmer decided he would go to church but sneak out early and steal a hat from the rack in the entryway. However, he listened to the sermon about the ten commandments and decided to stay the whole time.
After service he spoke to the preacher and said, “I must confess I came here today intending to sneak out and steal a hat. But when you got to the “Thou shalt not steal” bit it really shamed me. And besides, when you go to the bit about adultery I remembered where I left my hat!”
A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
your hat.”
He raised an eyebrow and replied, “If you weren’t so ugly, it would lift
itself.”
Walking in the woods, I encountered a naked man wearing a fine silk hat.
“Well, why not? No one ever comes back here.”
“Well in that case, sir, why the silk hat?”
“Well, you never know. Somebody might.”
A man is sitting in the bus with his hat next to him on the seat
Man: I am sorry, but this hat is like my brother. Where ever I go, he gets his own seat
Woman: Oh, ok
After a couple of stations the man realizes that the same woman is sitting next to him
Man: But, where is my hat
Woman: Oh, your brother got off the bus a while ago
I went on safari with a guide that had a speech impediment. When I asked him what kind of hat he wore he said “Pith Helmet.”
I found a hat with $17.50 in it and I thought this other guy was going to pick it up but…
There was a man lost his favorite hat.
When he got there, an usher saw him walk in, and escorted him directly to a pew. The man was too embarrassed to get up right away, so he sat and listened to the entire sermon.
After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway. The man shook the preacher’s hand, and said, “I want to thank you for saving me today. I came to church to steal a hat and ended up listening to your sermon on the 10 Commandments.”
The preacher replied, “You mean the commandment ‘Thou shall not steal’ changed your mind?”
The man shook his head and said, “No. The one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I left my hat!”
What type of hat does the flu give you?
Did you know you can wear any boat as a hat?
I just bought a new hat…
It really blows my mind.
Did you know? If you put a hard hat up to your ear…
A man who lost his hat decided the easiest way to replace it was to steal it.
Upon seeing the pastor, the man walks up to him and says, “Father, I must say, your sermon saved me from doing something wrong. I came here with sin in my heart, but your sermon showed me the error of my ways.” Upon hearing this, the pastor congratulates him and asks him what specifically made him change his mind, to which the man replies, “You see, I lost my hat and came here to steal one from the cloakroom. But when you got to the ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’ part, I suddenly remembered where I left my hat.”
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard…
“Yeah, a costume party,” the man answers, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.”
“But you look like Abe Lincoln,” protests the bartender.
“That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”
*The Hat*
Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going to do…
Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
Father: Go ahead, son.
Man: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the rack.
Father: Is that so?
Man: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments – and I changed my mind.
Father: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was discussing the commandment: “Thou shalt not steal?”
Man: No. It was when you started talking about, “Thou shalt not commit adultery” that I remembered where my hat was!
Why couldnt the laptop take off his hat?
If Gwen Stacy was a hat, what kind of hat would she be?
Why did Captain Morgan wear a hat that came halfway down the side of his head?
Why is a magician’s top hat good at football?
One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, and he really had to take a shit. So he got out of his car and went over to a bush and took a shit in his hat. He couldn’t leave his hat there because he had his name on it. He took his hat and on the way to his car he saw a police man.
The guy said, “It’s a hurt bird.”
The police officer said, “Let me see the bird.”
The man said, “I can’t if I take my hand away it will fly away.”
The police officer said, “Let me see the bird.”
The man said, “I can’t if I take my hand away it will fly away.”
They kept that up for about five minutes.
Then the police officer got mad and asked him one more time. “Take your hand away and I will reach in really fast and the bird won’t fly away!”
The guy said, “Alright.” And he slowly removed his hand.
The police officer reached in and grabbed a handful of shit and asked the man, “What is this?”
The man replied, “You scared the shit out of the bird.”
What does a balding magician have in his hat?
I lost my favorite hat and I decided to go to church to snag my buddy’s who has the exact same one
The priest came over after the service and asked how I liked his sermon..
I said I have to be honest…
I just came today specifically to take my buddy’s hat…
So the priest said, you must have heard me talk about the Ten Commandments, especially the one about … Thou shalt not steal… you probably had second thoughts
No – Actually, when you got to the part about adultery…
I remembered where I left my hat…
I’m going to start a religion with really big hats
Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.
The devil asks them, “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?”
The two guys reply, “Well, you know, we’re from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.”
The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats.
The devil asks them again, “It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel that?”
Again, the guys reply, “Well, like we told you yesterday, we’re from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy to warm up a little bit, you know.”
The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. “Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.”
The two Michiganders reply, “Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we’ve just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.”
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering.
The devil was dumbfounded. “I don’t understand. When I turn the heat up, you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold, and you’re happy. What is wrong with you two?”
The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. “Well, don’t ya know – if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!”
A bald magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat. Then he put the rabbit right on top of his head and gently lowered the hat down over the rabbit until the rabbit was completely covered. After a couple seconds of wearing the hat, the magician quickly lifted the hat back up, and presto!
I’m making a hat out of my dad’s old boat.
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat
I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size
Two guys go into a hat shop run by a cyclops.
What do you call a lion with a fancy hat?
The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff’s hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.
Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,
walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope’s entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC reported:
“BIDEN CAN’T SWIM”
What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat?
What do you call a fish wearing a three piece suit and a top hat?
Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels?
Dave was getting robbed in the desert
he then asked,” shoot a few bullets in the coat while you’re at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward”
after the robber shot the coat, he said, “shoot a few holes-“
“please, no more holes, I’m out of bullets”
“that’s what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue”
What a weird day! First I found a hat full of money.
A cowboy walks into a bank wearing only his hat and his gun..
My MIL got slapped in public just for wearing a Trump hat.
What do Zombies think when they see someone with a red hat and no mask?
What do you call a Cobra in a Catholic hat?
Ass hat with a badge
One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard, gets out, and asks an old gentleman, “who owns the property?” The old fella tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.
The officer, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.” The old gentleman says, “Well, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.
The officer, “Mister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.” Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face,“You see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me?” The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror – coming from where he’d told the officer not to go. He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.
Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help. Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically and screamed at the very top of his voice, “Your badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”
I went down wearing a copper-hat diving suit to see a group of coelacanths
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
“What I want you to do…” the man continued. “Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
And so they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
At a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket was waiting for the bus..
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn’t!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, “How dare you touch my body!! I don’t even know who you are!”
At this, the Texan drawled, “Well ma’am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender…
The bartender replies, “They’ve gone to the hanging.”
“Hanging? Who are they hanging?”
“Brown Paper Pete,” says the bartender.
“What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?” the cowboy asks.
“Well,” says the bartender, “he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes.”
“Weird guy,” says the cowboy. “What are they hanging him for?”
“Rustling,” says the bartender.
A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, “Giraffe, don’t smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!”
The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.
Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.
This sheep is about to shoot up heroin.
The rabbit says to the sheep, “Mr Sheep, don’t do heroin! Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!”
The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin.
The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together.
Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.
Soon they come to a clearing and in this clearing is a tiger.
Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer.
The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, “Mr Tiger, don’t drink beer! Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!”
The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit and back his beer.
He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him.
He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw and starts mauling the shit out of the rabbit!
The giraffe and sheep are in shock.
And they scream, “Dude, what the fuck!? He was just trying to help you!”
The tiger turns to them and growls, “Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!
On earth: A magician puts his hand in his hat.
“Dmytry! I take my hat off to you!”
Well.” Dmytry began
“If I let her go she will surely buy something!”
Translated from Russian, sorry if I made mistakes.