Guitar Jokes

Hey man, don’t fret.

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:

“This is an amazing octopus. I’ll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it.”

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.

“Can’t you play the bagpipes?” asked the man. “Play it?” said the octopus, “I’m gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”

They just strike a chord with me

He said, “With your hands”

A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It’s for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

“Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar,” he says, “Can you teach me?” and the school responds, “Sure, we can teach anyone!” The horse says “But I’m a horse, is that a problem?” and the school days “No, come on down!”

A few weeks later, the horse is riffing on an electric guitar in the barn, which, of course, draws some attention. He’s approached by the pig who asks, “Hey, how did you learn to do that?”

The horse says, “Well, there’s a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment.” “Really?” asks the pig. “Guaranteed,” the horse says.

So the pig calls up and says “Hey, I want to learn to play the keyboard,” he says, “Can you teach me?” and the school responds, “Sure, we can teach anyone!” The pig says “But I’m a pig, is that a problem?” and the school days “No, come on down!”

A few weeks later, the pig is playing synth to back up the horse and it sounds pretty good, and it draws the attention of the chicken. She comes in and asks the horse and the pig, “Hey, how did you learn to do that?”

The horse says, “Well, there’s a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment.” “Really?” asks the chicken. “Guaranteed,” confirms the pig.

So the chicken calls up and says “Hey, I want to learn to play the drums,” she says, “Can you teach me?” and the school responds, “Sure, we can teach anyone!” The chicken says “But I’m a chicken, is that a problem?” and the school days “No, come on down!”

A few weeks later they’ve got a hit little trio going, drawing in all the barn animals. A talent agent drives by and hears them, and stops to see what’s going on. He signs them instantly and they take the show on the road.

The trio have a metoric rise to fame; gold records, sold out shows, screaming fans, national tours. They’re all set for their first international tour, cruising around Europe with their music.

The band is about to get on the plane when the horse gets a phone call. It’s his mother; she’s become very sick and taken a turn for the worse. He has to go see her, and cen’t get on the plane. His bandmates, great friends by now, tell him not to worry. They’ll go on ahead and he can take another flight after he sees his mother.

They get on the plane and the horse goes home, but, he’s too late. She’s already passed, and he didn’t get to see her that one last time. Although he is crushed with grief, he stays strong for his friends. He decides to dedicate this tour to his mother.

He calls his agent to get a flight to Europe, but he is told there’s no tour. The plane with the pig and chicken exploded midair – something about a fuel line. No survivors.

The horse gets in his car and speeds into town; he needs to escape this. He drives around till he finds somewhere to park, then he gets out downtown.

The horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey, why the long face?”

I replied: ‘Is that a fret?

The judge looks down at her and asks, “First offender?”

The woman replies, “nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender.”

She is accused of bashing her husband’s head in with his guitars because he never paid any attention to her.

In her first court appearance, the judge looks at the woman and asks: “First offender?”

The woman replies: “No. First it was a Gretsch, followed by a Gibson, and then a Fender.”

Bartender says “what’s up with the octopus?” Guy says “this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him.” There’s a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever heard from a guitar in your life. Sax player walks up and puts down his saxophone. Tentacles start flying, and the next thing you know, he’s playing the saxophone like a master. At the back of the bar is an old Scottish man, who walks up in his kilt and lays a bagpipe in front of the octopus. Tentacles start flying, but no noise is happening. The guy, nervous, says “come on octopus, what’s going on?” Octopus goes “dude, I’m trying to get her pajamas off, you mind?”

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “Well there’s one problem, I’m a horse.”

The music store employee goes “That’s no problem, we have state of the art technology that can teach horses how to play the guitar.”

The horse says “Great!” so the horse goes in to take his music lessons and in no time he’s proficient in playing the guitar.

He’s out in his garage one day playing the guitar when his friend the sheep walks by, and the sheep says “That’s so cool, I’ve always wanted to learn how to play the drums, how did you learn to do that?”

So the horse gives the sheep the number to the music shop and the sheep calls them up and says “hey I want to learn how to play the drums.”

The music store employee goes, “Great we’ll set you up for some music lessons.” And the sheep responds, “Well, there’s one problem.”

The employee says, “What’s that?”

The sheep says, “I’m a sheep.”

The employee responds, “That’s no problem we have state of the art technology that can teach sheep how to play the drums.”

So the sheep goes in for his music lessons and quickly becomes proficient at playing the drums.

One afternoon the sheep and the horse are both jammin out the horse’s garage when their friend the chicken walks by, and the chicken goes “That’s incredible, where did you guys learn how to do that?”

They tell him about the music shop and the chicken goes, “Thats so cool, I’ve always wanted to learn how to sing.

So the chicken calls up the music shop and he says, “Hey I want to sign up for vocal lessons.”

The shop employee responds, that’s great what time are you free?”

The chicken says, “Well, I’m free whenever, but there’s one issue.”

The employee asks, “What’s that.”

The chicken says, “I’m a chicken.”

The employee goes, “That’s no problem, we have state of the art technology that can teach chickens how to sing.”

So the chicken goes and takes his vocal lessons and when he’s done, the horse, the sheep, and the chicken all form a band.

One day they’re jammin out in the horse’s garage when they decided to record a video of a song and upload it to YouTube.

The song went viral. Soon enough they were a full on band and going around the world on tour playing their music.

At the airport before one of their flights to the show location, as the plane is about to board, the horse goes, “I need to use the bathroom, I’ll catch up with you guys before the flight takes off.”

Both the chicken and the sheep board the plane, but the horse took too long in the bathroom and missed the departure time.

As the horse is waiting for a new flight, he finds out the plane the sheep and the chicken were on crashed and they both died.

The horse being very understandably upset about losing his two friends decides to go into the airport bar and get a drink. He walks in and orders a vodka cranberry and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”

It can only become a large ukulele.

[Mitch Hedberg RIP.]

“I play a little guitar!”

I don’t have a guitar…

Just one more.

I said, is that a fret?

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play. There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player. The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.

Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus. The octopus took it and stared for a bit. After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo. This man paid his $50 and sat down.

The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes. The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.”

The man agreed and handed them to the octopus. The octopus sat there eying the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile. The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus,

“Hurry up and start playing the thing”

The octopus replied, “Play it? After I figure out how to get the pajamas off her I’m gonna screw it”

Because I want to wrap my hands around your neck.

A jam session.

So he could finger A minor.

Yeti Van Halen

…Even bass* players can do it.

*For bass players the joke is you’re dumb.

… and the bartender says “Sorry… minors aren’t allowed in here.”

An heir guitar.

I told him I’m use to fingering minors.

So I marked it “return to Fender”

I sold my guitar to a man with no hands.

So I said to him: “So how are you gonna work that then?”

He shrugged and said: “I’ll play it by ear.”

All Gratuities payable towards My Uncle Chris.

No strings attached.

I said “maybe”.

Received 12 photos of some guy’s guitar.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

“How was your first bass lesson, son?” I asked.

“Great!” He said. “I learned The E note!”

After the next lesson I asked, “How was your second bass lesson, son?”

“Great! I learned the A note!” He replied.

After the next lesson I asked “How was your third bass lesson, son?”

“Couldn’t make it.” He said. “Had a gig.”

If so, stay tuned.

“I want my guitar back.”

I told him his accusations were bassless.

An algorithm.

I think it’s called Uke-reign.

(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

The only time you can break a g string while fingering a minor without getting arrested.

Gsus

It was acoustic.

So he would always start our lessons with, “Pick a chord, any chord”

He had to have 8 Les Paulbearers.

(Co-written by u/no_need_really)

Well he’s finger-pickin’ good!

No, but Brian may

He’s a plectrum on the spectrum.

First lesson: fingering A minor

Fingering a minor

Martin, luthier king.

I was fretting when I saw most of the stock had sold out. Luckily the owner pulled some strings for me!

anyvays here’s vondervall

Now I’m ugly and annoying

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

I told him not to fret but he says he can’t help it

A “coo” stick guitar

I’m lucky if I practice it for an hour each week.

A real Fender bender.

I guess I can’t complain though, it’s not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Amanda Lynn

I didn’t think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake…

He vaughan

They said I violated it.

Because the piano had the keys

The Cry Baby

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

They’re checking out their G-Strings

Made completely out of mirror polished, stainless steel from the World Trade Center in the shape of a bald eagle carrying a rifle.

Only has one octave, but I enjoy playing it, from C to shining C.

A couch can support a family.

Coming soon, the Saxofender.

She pleaded, “Don’t do that! You’ll make him Sting!”

but I can’t pick up the piano.

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

Fantana

Nothing happened.

But our kids loved it

Midieval.

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So they ask their friend Mr chicken who has always been a great singer. Soon they are getting large gigs at concert and are world famous. They have all the money they could wish for. Sadly Mr chicken gets sick and the band is forced to break up. A few weeks later Mr chicken passes away. Mr pig is devastated and changes his name and goes completely off the grid. Mr Horses parents also get into a large dispute and get a divorce. Mr Horse now has no friends or family to go to. He enters a downward spiral and turns to substance abuse. Eventually he comes back to his senses and decides to put together the last of his money and go on one big solo tour around the world to show everyone that he still has his talent but the tour fails and he loses his money. He decides that he is going to drown out his sorrows in with alcohol.

Horse walks into a bar and the barman says “why the long face?”

I guess you can say I sold my soul for rock n roll…

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

Netflix has Stranger Things 4 and a Bass guitar has 4 Strange Strings.

You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish and your probably wondering what about the glue… I knew you would get stuck on that

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they’re doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band’s success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he comes with his cat and dog ready to play.

Before they play, Berlusconi begins a dialogue.

Berlusconi: John, I don’t care about your actual band, I just want to know the secret. How do you do it?

John: I don’t do anything, the dog plays guitar and the cat sings, it’s as simple as that.

Berlusconi: come on John, just tell me! No way it’s real

John: look, it’s my livelihood. I can’t go around telling the secret i make a career out of this

Berlusconi: money is nothing to me, I’ll pay you whatever you want just tell me how you do it

John: alright…I’ll tell you. The dog plays guitar and sings, the cat just moves its mouth and pretends.

SID VISCOUS!

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of her house, a Taoist monk passed by. He was filled with such joy that he placed his hand upon her head and blessed her. Suddenly, her hands flew across the strings, gracefully, as if she had been born with the instrument.

In the coming years, Maria held dear the meditative powers passed on to her by the monk, and she eventually became the leader of a magnificent five-piece band.

And that is the story of how Maria Chi came to be.

“How’s it going, Pete?”

“Kinda weird. Just had this nice older guy with a guitar come in, he said he was looking for a lost shaker of salt.

I said I don’t know where it is, but I thought I saw Mary Magdalene with one. He then just chuckled, said ‘I knew it!’ and walked away shaking his head.”

setting a new World Record for carrying a tune.