Gear Jokes

Do you know what grinds my gears? I have to read the aforementioned title twice for most jokes.

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, “Ma’am, are you sure you are using the right gears?”

Full of anger, the blonde replies, “How on earth you could ask such a question!? I’m not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night.”

I said, “This…takes us back.”

Nothing, they are too well engineered.

Roadie: No thanks, I’m driving.

My wife! This is her first time driving a manual.

…is people who can’t drive stick.

Of late, they have been very shifty.

In case they get attacked from behind

ARRRRRRRRRRRRR E AYYYYYYYYYYE

You have to work the graveyard shift.

Despite the reviews, they really let me down.

It makes no sense, he’s not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

They love a lot of revolutions.

A copsplayer.

Yellow jacket

Six – one forward and five in reverse

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.”

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys said “What’s that board for?”

The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”

They said “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!”

The trader said, “Well. take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them. I’ll refund your money next year.”

“Okay,” they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”

The trader said, “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”

“Yeah” said the guy.

“Where is he?” asked the trader.

“I shot him” said the guy.

“Why?”

“I caught him in bed with my board.”

Dry humping

Commuting to work today in the snow, I finally understood why. I only liked riding my bike before it was cool.

One forward, five reverse

Heard it before? Well I bet you don’t know how many gears a Swiss tank has

Because they’re always in neutral

She approaches the stunned guy and says: “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years,” replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” she asks him.

Trembling the castaway replies: “Ten years.”

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: “WOW, that’s absolutely fantastic!”

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks: “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: “Oh good Lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got a laptop?”

13 to go in reverse and 1 to go in forward in-case the enemy attacks from behind.

As he approached the desk the airline attendant noted the wildebeest carcass but more alarmingly noticed that the suitcase he was dragging was bulging sporadically and clearly contained something large and very much alive. Feeling slightly nervous but determined to do his job the attendant challenged the weathered looking hunter as to what was in the suitcase.

The hunter said nothing but slightly unzipped the top to reveal a disgruntled looking smaller man eating a sausage and drinking a pilsner. The attendant was taken aback but consulted his computer, tutting every few seconds.

After three minutes he looked up and said, “You’re Czech in bag is fine, but your carrion is too large.”

“Probably not spanking him”

Well, there’s no going back now.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.

“What are you doing?” I asked

“Well,” she said, “I’ve kept quiet for too long and I’m sick of you not concentrating on your driving – you do the steering and I’ll stir the petrol.”

Because the clutch is depressed

Pack it up pack it up pack it

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Suddenly, she heard a voice saying, “There are no fish in here.”

So, she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again, telling her, there are no fish in there.

She moves for a third time to a new spot, but the same voice again tells her, there are no fish in there.

Finally the blonde looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her. She asks him, “How do you know, there are no fish in here?”

The man coolly replies, “Well, first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second, you are going to have to pay for those holes.”

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

Moving forward we should be fine.

Eager to try it out, he drives down to the beach, throws on some sunscreen, pulls on his wetsuit and heads out into the surf.

He’s only under water for a minute when he suddenly can’t get any air! Coughing and choking he barely makes it back to the beach. A surfer sees him and says, “Something wrong?”

“Yeah – I couldn’t get any air…it must be a hose.”, the guy says.

“Maybe I can fix it.”, says the surfer. He starts looking over the tank. After a minute he looks up and says, “Dude, it looks like you blew a seal.”

The guy wipes his face and says, “Oh…no. That’s just a little extra sunscreen.”

A Wookie mistake.

“Look how they massacred my buoy!”

The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident

It’s disconcerting.

Razer.

“So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?” the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

“I don’t know, who’s playing?” the boy answers.

“Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?”

A gecko lizard is walking through the Australian bush, heading toward the river for a drink.

On his walk he comes across a koala sitting in a gum tree, smoking a joint and stops for a chat.

“Gidday, mate. What are you doing?”

The koala replies, “Smoking a joint, come up and join me. It’s bloody good gear!”

So the gecko climbs up and sits next to the koala and they share a joint. After a while the gecko says his mouth is now very dry and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the gecko is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. The current is quite strong and he starts to float away. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned gecko and helps him back to the shore.

He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”

The gecko explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new koala friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check out the stoned koala for himself. He walks into the bush and finds the tree where the koala is sitting in the fork of a gum tree, finishing a joint.

The crocodile looks up and says “Hey, Koala, you got any more of that grass?”

The koala looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.

He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.

Without a moment’s hesitation, he kicked the van into high gear and sped away. However, his van ran out of gas less than 5 minutes later, and he was caught and arrested by the police.

“I don’t understand”, Said the police officer. “How could you plan all that so carefully, yet forget to fill up your gas tank?”

To which the thief replied: “But monsieur! Zat is exactly why I stole ze paintings! I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh!”

A tree falls in the forest but doesn’t make a sound.

Hunter in camouflage gear: “WHAT THE HECK???!”

Tree: “I mean, AAAAAARGH, I fell!”

…but eventually BMW was forced to shut down. People kept getting the Benz.

It wooden go!

It works for all in tents and porpoises.

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.

She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

The blonde was startled. She stood up and looked around but saw no one. Cautiously, she moved a little further out onto the ice and set up in a different spot. She sipped some hot chocolate from her thermos and then started cutting another hole. Again, the voice called out, seemingly from all around her.

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE”

Now feeling quite scared and starting to get a bit frustrated, she moved all the way to the far end of the ice and laid out all her gear, sat upon her stool and started cutting another hole. Right away, the heavenly voice boomed out, this time louder than ever, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”.

She jumped off her stool and looked all around her. She shouted to the heavens, “IS THAT YOU, LORD?”

The voice answered, “NO. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

In an international police convention, American FBI, English Scotland Yard and Brazilian BOPE are about to take part in a competition.

A rabbit will be set loose in the woods and the team that retrieves it in the shortest time wins.

First goes the Scotland Yard. They use hounds and helicopters and come back with the rabbit in 2 hours.

Secondly goes the FBI. They use high-tech gear and drones with thermal image cameras and return with the rabbit in 1 hour.

Last to go in is the brazilian BOPE. They return after 20 minutes with a bloodied pig, a written confession and the animal is screaming: I’m a rabbit! I swear I’m a rabbit.

I said “She looks like a keeper”

So then I said I’ll do you better than $20. I’ll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I’ll bring you back & still give you $20.

He asked me won’t she get mad? I said it didn’t matter.

I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & hunting!

But what they’re really telling the world is I only get to see my kid every other weekend. I don’t think that’s anyone’s business.

It was mind-blowing.

It’s a tankless job.

Because of inflation.

Good thing we melted all our glaciers in the preparation.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

…an ill-eagle immigrant.

They cancelled the product when they realized nobody wants to buy something called iTouch Kids.