Fold Jokes

Yeah. I heard it folded.

One evening an Irish man walks out of a bar …

>!That’s the whole joke, the joke being two fold: an Irish man wouldn’t leave a bar in the evening at all, and when an Irish man leaves a bar, he doesn’t ‘walk’ out; he either staggers or is carried out!<

So I folded.

It folded.

“Move them,” my wife said, “I’m doing laundry.”

Unfortunately it folded.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him “If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much.”

My son replied “I don’t want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry.”

I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin. “Where the hell have you been?” she asked.

“You’ll have to pack all your things, dear,” he ad-libbed. “I’ve just lost you in a card game.” “How did you manage to do that?” “It wasn’t easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush.”

This went on but eventually I folded.

Fold

Two fold…

He certainly knew when to fold ‘em.

Cant see myself wearing it…

Wife: Could you go and grab the baby hangers?

Me: They prefer to be called executioners.

They are constantly folding

It says ‘Dear God. If I’m good for one month will you get me a BMX bike?’

He carefully folds the letter and leaves it at the end of the bed. He lies down under the covers and thinks for a moment. One month is too long to be good. He gets up and tears up the letter and writes another one. ‘Dear God. If I’m good for one week will you get me a BMX bike.’ He folds the letter and then thinks ‘No. One week is too long.’ He writes another letter. ‘Dear God. If I’m good for one day, will you get me a BMX bike.’ Looking at the letter he screws it up. One day is too long. He jumps out of his window and heads to the local church. He grabs the statue of Mary, rolls it up in a blanket, rushes back home and shoves it under his bed. He then writes another letter. ‘Dear God. If you want to see your mother again……’

Because he will always fold.

Ori-Grammi

are two-fold

Two guys waiting in the unemployment line worked side by side in the factory for 17 years before it closed down.

First guy up to the window doesn’t speak good English.

The Clerk asks, “What was your occupation?”

Man: “Dieselfitter”

Clerk: (looks in book) “ok that’s $795 a week, here you go.”

2nd man walks up.

Clerk: “what’s your occupation?”

2nd man: “Seamstress.”

Clerk: (looks in book) “ok that’s $407 a week, here you go.”

2nd man: “ Woah, wait a minute, he got almost $800! For the same job.”

Clerk: “ Sir, he was a dieselfitter, a higher skilled occupation.”

2nd man: “He wasn’t no dieselfitter, he worked next to me in the skirt factory. I’d stitch in the elastic, he’d hold them up to fold them , check them and said “Dees-ul-fit her!” Before he folded them.”

He rubs the lamp and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your wife will get ten-fold.”

“I’d like $10 million,” says the man. “Okay,” the Genie replies, “but just know your wife will receive $100 million.” “Yes, I know,” the man says. “For my second wish, I want to have devastatingly good looks.”

The Genie replies, “Okay, but realize your wife will be 10 times as beautiful, irresistible to all men.” “Yes, that’s okay,” the man consents.

“Done,” says the Genie. “And what would you like for your final wish?”

Without hesitation the man blurts out, “I’d like a mild heart attack, please!”

Granted, you cant use it afterwards but you could fold it

Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet!!

…then I remember what I look like naked and keep folding.

ten fold.

Yes, but can they do a fitted sheet?

There were two women ahead who were playing really slowly. Eventually my golfing partner lost his patience and told me to go and ask them to let us play through. As I wandered up to them, I immediately recognised my wife and my mistress.

I went back to my friend and said I couldn’t possibly go and talk to my wife and mistress, he’d have to go. He soon came back and said, it’s a small world isn’t it?

..I guess that’s just how she rolls.

and a genie pops out. The genie tells him “You have thrown the largest money value into this well since it has been built. You may have one wish.”

“I want a dragon.”

“Are you sure? That’s… pretty big, and would probably give me away. Anything else?”

“I want to learn how to fold a fitted sheet.”

“…what color dragon do you want?”

people who died trying to fold a fitted sheet.

Because they’re going to fold a lot.

Sleep:

when the baby sleeps

Fold laundry:

when the baby folds laundry

Bartender folds his arms and says “I’m gonna need to see some id”

The judges are waiting to see what unfolds.

Oreo-gami

Because it’s cowsonly.

A teacher stood up in class, folding her arms. “Stand up if you think you’re stupid!” She yelled. Nobody did. “I said stand up!” She repeated. Eventually, Johnny stood up. “So, Johnny! You think you’re stupid?”

“No, Miss.” Johnny replied quietly. “I just feel bad that you’re standing alone.”

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, “A folding bottle.”

She said, “Okay. What do you call it?”

“A Fottle.”

“What else do you have?”

“A folding carton.”

“What do you call it?”

“A Farton.”

She snickered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

So a young lawyer is sitting in his office when the devil appears in front of him.

“I’ve got an offer for you” the devil explains

“Go on….” Says the young lawyer

“Well from here out your practice will grow 10 fold, your partners will all respect you, your clients will all love you, you’ll have a golden tongue with any jury, you’ll get all the vacation days you could ever want, and you’ll live to be 100″ replies the devil…”all I ask is that you wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and your children’s children’s souls rot in hell for eternity”

The lawyer leans back in his chair and inquisitively asks, “what’s the catch?”

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, “If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, “Nah, go ahead.”

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the congee back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”

He’s great at folding under pressure.

He didn’t have much money, so he loudly made a bet to every one in the room,”Blind fold me and bring me any pelt! I’ll tell you what animal it was and how you killed it! If I’m right, you buy me a drink. If I’m wrong, drinks on me!”

The first taker stepped up to the bar. “Alright, old man. I’ll take your bet.” Blindfolded, the old trapper feels the pelt. “Otter… killed with bow.” The taker laughs and buys the old man a drink.

More followed “White tail deer, killed by musket! Squirrel, by snare!” It wasn’t long until every trapper and hunter in the tavern had their turn. Drunkenly, the old man stumbled home and crawled into bed.

He woke in the morning with a splitting headache, a fat lip and a black eye! “I don’t remember getting into a fight! I did my trick last night and got real drunk, but I know I didn’t fight anyone!”

His wife yells and says “I did it, you old coot! You crawled into bed, shoved your hand down my panties and said ‘Skunk, killed with an axe!'”

Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…

Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.

Man: That’s fine. My second wish is for a 20,000sq ft mansion in the Hamptons.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive a 40,000sq ft mansion in the Hamptons.

Man: That’s fine.

Genie: Ok. What is your third wish?

Man: I want you to beat me half to death.

“Rabbi!” she says. “My son Avram has a very strange fear – he is afraid of kreplach!”

The rabbi says, “Kreplach? He’s afraid of the meat dumplings we make for Rosh Hashanah?”

She nods. “Yes. I’ve tried to tell him there’s nothing to be afraid of, but whenever he sees kreplach he runs out of the room screaming. I want to help him learn there isn’t anything to be scared of. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do?”

The rabbi leans back in his chair, strokes his beard, and thinks for a few minutes. Finally, he says, “Bring him into the kitchen before you start making kreplach. Show him the steps to make a single piece. Do them one at a time and explain each one slowly and clearly. At the end, he’ll see that there isn’t anything at all to be afraid of!”

The woman thanks the rabbi and heads home. Later that day, she says, “Avram, come to the kitchen!” Avram rushes into the room, and the woman says, “Now, watch this. I’m going to make a piece of kreplach.”

The boy looks like he’s going to bolt but she adds, “Don’t worry, you’ll soon see that there isn’t anything to be scared of,” and he stays put. She takes a small piece of meat and puts it in the middle of a triangle of soft dough. “See, right now it’s just a bit of flour and a piece of beef. Is there anything scary so far?”

Avram says, “No, not at all. It’s just flour and meat.”

The woman takes a corner of the dough and folds it over the top of the beef. “So now it just has one little fold in it here, right? This isn’t scary.”

Avram nods. “Yeah, it does, and it isn’t scary.”

The woman takes a second corner of the dough and folds it over the top. “So now we have two corners. It’s just the same as before!”

Avram says, “You’re right! There isn’t anything scary here at all!”

The woman blesses the rabbi in her heart, before folding over the third piece of dough. “And here is a piece of kreplach!” She turns to Avram…

Only to find him running out of the kitchen, yelling at the top of his lungs, “Aaaaaaaah! Kreplaaaaaaaaach!”

—

About a year ago I posted a piece of old Jewish humor around Rosh Hashanah. Today is the day of for this year, so I decided to continue the tradition. I first heard this story from my grandfather (of blessed memory), who told it as though the child were a cousin of his in New York. For years his children (including my mother, and vicariously my father) believed this was a true story but I since found it in a book titled “The Joy of Yiddish” about a family in Poland. Presumably he heard it elsewhere and modernized it a bit by having it in New York instead of a shtetl. Perhaps saying it was an actual family member is part of what makes it funny? It isn’t the best joke, to be sure, but it is a very Yiddish joke and it makes me chuckle whenever I think about it, and brings back memories of my grandfather (I’m actually getting a little emotional typing this out right now – and that, I can promise, is no joke).

And to all those for whom it applies: Shanah Tovah!

Theres no used getting married.

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”

The officers look confused and ask him to elaborate. “It’s really strange but whenever I leave things on this coffee table they disappear and reappear somewhere else. When I leave take away containers on it they disappear and reappear in the trash. When I leave dirty plates and mugs on it, they disappear and reappear in the cupboards washed, dried and stacked neatly and even when I leave my dirty clothes on it they disappear! and reappear cleaned and neatly folded on my bed” The female police officer looks at the man and says “Oh my god, you’re an idiot. No wonder your girlfriend has

left you.” And the male officer says “I don’t think she’s left him. I think he’s right. I’ve got the same coffee table at my house”

Almost broke both my arms cause it’s not that kind of bed.

…and welcome him into the folds.”

And all they brought me was this lousy *-shirt.

The first nun said with a blush, “This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?”

Saint Peter said, “Your wish is granted!”

*POOF*

She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy.

The second nun agreed and said, “I’d like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?”

Saint Peter said again, “Your wish is granted!”

*POOF*

Away she went!

The third nun, an Italian girl, nodded her head in agreement, “I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?”

With a confused look, Saint Peter replied, “I’m sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?”

The Sister squealed with excitement,”Oh my, yes, yes she is! She’s the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I’ve been saving for years!”

And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands.

Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud,”Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week.”

…while the people are still in them.

“Pope, welcome. We would love to make your stay here as comfortable as possible in return for your faithful service to the Lord during your time on earth. What could we do for you?”

The Pope replied “I spent my life studying the word of God, but it was always in the hand of man, and therefore subject to human error. I’d like to know if you have records of what God actually said to His prophets so that I may fully understand His will.”

“Oh, we absolutely have that for you. Follow me” replied St. Peter. And the Pope was led into a room with towering shelves filled with leather bound books and scrolls of ancient parchments. The Pope was enthralled and threw himself into this new project. He spent hours every day for the next several years reading the works and gaining key new understanding of God’s plan.

But one day St Peter hears and anguished cry ring out from the room. He ran in and found the Pope sobbing and pounding his finger over and over onto a single word.

“Celebrate! Not celibate! The word was Celebrate!”

You don’t know what you’re missing.

Bro sure

I’ll update more on this as it unfolds.

Singed, the table.

I shrugged and said, “Hell, anybody can win the lottery.”

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, “Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?”

I said, “Yep. 100%. A person always wins.”

A man gets into a car accident along a busy avenue. His car is completely totaled, the bumper fell off, the lights are all shattered, there’s glass everywhere. Irate, he gets out of his car and begins to yell at the other driver. The other driver peeks out of his window, wearing a bright orange hat. A brief moment passes, and the other driver puts his car back in gear and floors it away from the scene of the crash.

The man is stunned, how could this happen? He talks to the police and files a police report and they state that a different man matching the description, and wearing a bright orange hat also filed a report similar to his just 15 minutes ago. He’s furious, he demands to know who the man is. A cop tells him that it’s none other than the local judge, Judge Paul.

The man demands that Judge Paul be arrested for committing a hit-and-run against him, he says he knows he’d recognize the orange hat and the judge’s car matches the description. The cops agree and they take Judge Paul into custody.

Judge Paul is outraged, having had the worst day made worse now that he’s been arrested by the same police officers who he just filed a report with. First, his car got stolen. Second, they took his lucky orange hat. Third, his car gets returned to his driveway with the whole front-end destroyed. And what’s more, he got falsely accused of crashing his own car and fleeing the scene!

I guess it just goes to show, you should never book a judge by his cover.

Unfortunately, they didn’t catch on at that time since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.

The new restaurants serve only calzones now.

When I suddenly let rip a massive fart, so big that it caused the fabric to ruck up and fold over itself.

I forced a great disturbance in the felt.

No wonder I find them so cryptivating

My boss said that all of my work was income pleat

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance was too draining.

I got fired from the cannon factory.

And I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.

He gave me a blind fold and told me to wait 20 and that I would be fine and it worked.

Now I have gonorrhea

I already invested in a Prince from Qatar for half the price last week. Sucker can’t scam me.

You have to prove your devotion before you’re welcomed into the folds.