Fiber Jokes

…So now he has fiber optics.

They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.

I was on another forum, the comments section of a political site. Somebody was talking about how the Rolling Stones still got it despite having gotten a lot older. So people were making up humorous OG-version Stones song titles, like “Limping Jack Flash” and “Gimme Fiber.”

And then somebody said it:

>!”Hey! You! Get Offa My Lawn!”!<

And all of Reddit gave it an upvote.

A rope walked into a bar. The bartender looked at it and said, “Hey! No ropes in here!” So the rope walked out. Once outside, it twisted upon itself a number of times, then rubbed it’s short free end until it was just a bunch of fibers without any organization. Upon completion of this, the rope walked back into the bar. The bartender looked at it and asked, “Are you a rope?” The rope responded, “I am a frayed knot.”

A man walked into Denny’s shortly before christmas. He was seated and ordered eggs benedict. He was surprised when the waiter brought his food out on a shiny, new hubcap. When he inquired as to why, the waiter responded, “There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.”

“That’s nuts!” I exclaimed.

The string gets sloppy drunk, barfs all over the bar, so the bar tender kicks him out. “You’re banned!”

The next night, the string wants to get back in, so he ties a not near one end and frazzles up the fibers sticking out, then walks into the bar.

The bartender yells “Aren’t you that string I threw outa here yesterday?”

String says ” No! I’m a frayed not!”

But I think fiber makes a solid number two.

From my experience, T-Shirts work well but Jeans are a big no.

fiber optics

Raisin’ Bran.

A man orders rice and beans in a restaurant. When his meal comes he notices a little fiber in his food and tells the waiter. The waiter then explains theres nothing to worry about, its just from the sack of beans. However the man still insists on getting another plate. The waiter, complying, yells out to the chef “yo beans, make another plate”.

Carb. on fiber

Answer the door and see that its a sale man from an internet service provider. They have stopped at my house ten times in the last year to tell me about the digging in my area and I decided to have some fun with them today. Here is the conversation from today:

Me: Hello, you here to talk to me about Dinosaurs?

*Dude is now confused but sticks to his lines*

Salesman: We are here to let you know about the digging in your area.

*I get excited*

Me: Your digging for a dinosaur in my area!

*Dude is now shocked, he pauses but stays with his lines*

Salesman: Oh no, we just installed fiber optics in your area and you can upgrade today!

Me: oh no, I just like dinosaurs.

*Closes door*

A: a cereal killer

Because it’s high in fiber!

haha, I’ll show myself out…

My plan is dramatically backfiring.

They all sit down at a table and one of the ropes says “you guys stay here, I’ll go order the drinks.”

That rope then goes to the bar and the bartender says to him “It’s company policy to not serve ropes here.”

The rope then reruns to the table dejected and tells his buddies “Sorry guys. The bartender says that they don’t serve ropes here so we should go and find another place.”

Then the second rope stands up and says “Maybe you just weren’t convincing enough. I’ll go and get the drinks”

He then goes to the bar and the bartender says to him “As I told your friend there, we don’t serve ropes here.”

The second rope then slides him a twenty dollar bill and says “Would you serve us if there was something in it for you?”

The bartender replies “The owner of this place chose me to tend bar because I am a man of integrity who will always follow the rules no matter how much someone pays me so please take your money and leave”

The second rope returns to the table dejected and says to his buddies “Sorry guys. The bartender here can’t be convinced by money. We should just go find somewhere else to drink.”

Then the third rope stands up and says “I have a plan guys. We’ll get our drinks once I talk with that bartender.”

The third rope then ties himself into a mess of a knot and then grabs his comb and starts pulling out strands from his fibers.

Once he is finished, he goes up to the bar to face the bartender. The bartender says to him “You better not be one of those ropes.”

The rope replies “Frayed knot.”

If you get lost, just bury it in the ground. A backhoe will be along shortly to cut the cable, and you can ask for directions.

Total internal reflection.

Both are in charge of fiber optics.

There once was a young engineer, who after having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. He and his family built a cabin and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it. Friends visited for the quiet and the fishing.

The engineer however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole and a new pair of shoes, and was all set.

He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. It was a great way to spend a hot afternoon.

The engineer and his family had been enjoying the cabin for years, and went out early in the spring. It had been a very wet winter, with lots of rain afterwards. When they arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual amount of current flowing.

The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, even though his wife thought it was too dangerous. He was a good swimmer however, and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless. He hit the water in good form, but he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in debris on the side of the stream.

It was a sad end for the engineer. His family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy.

Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted an electrical engineer, he would have been warned that it’s not the vaultage that kills you, it’s the current.

They even started sending me pictures of vegetables on the internet, threatening to make me eat lettuce until I was sick. To this day, I still suffer from the effects of their rampant and traumatic fiber-bullying.

I accidentally posted this to the Reddit subgroup “funny”. Hopefully I have the right spot now!

Two trees are growing up side by side in the forest one is a birch tree, and one is a beech tree. They are so conceited, theyrarely noticed the rest of the forest around them. Until one day, they look down and notice a young sapling growing up between them. One asks the other, is this the son of a birch, or a son of a beech? Neither of them knew, but as luck would have it, a woodpecker floated in and landed on the young sapling. So they asked him, is this the son of a birch or is it the son of a beech? The woodpecker said, one moment gentlemen. And then he tapped on the sapling for a moment, and then munched the fibers in his mouth. Then he looked up to the two trees and said I am sorry to tell you gentlemen this is neither the son of a birch, nor is it the son of a beech. It is however, the very best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker in!

I do not proclaim to be the originator of this joke. It is just the best joke I know, and whenever I tell it, people laugh like crazy. As I have been following this subreddit for a while, I have never seen this one reposted, and this subreddit seems to be ripe with reposts. I hope you enjoyed it. If I don’t get too many complaints I’ll start telling more of my old guy jokes. I am 49 years old.

As they dug a 100 meter deep hole, they found old copper wires. They made a big, worldwide announcement that the Russians were an advanced species. Even 1000 years ago they already had a copper network.

The Americans couldn’t cope with the Russians being advanced longer than the Americans, so American archeologists started digging a hole as well. After digging for a while, they stumbled upon ancient optic fibers at around 150 meters deep. Euphoricly the Americans made a big announcement that, however the Russians may have had a copper network 1000 years ago, the Americans already had a optic fiber network 1500 years ago.

With all the tumult around ancient networks, Dutch archeologists also started digging. After digging a 250 meter deep hole, they still didn’t find anything. That evening a press conference was organized in which the Dutch government announced that, although the Russians and the Americans were quite advanced in the past, the Dutch were even more advanced. 2500 years ago the Dutch already got wireless networks

They call them “I can’t believe it’s not Jesus”

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors. Tractor bedspread, tractor themed birthday parties, tractor t-shirts, school bags, lunchbox, everything Timmy owned was tractor themed in some way. He knew everything there was to know about tractors; big, small, new, old, he knew it all. When he grew up, he was going to drive a tractor. He was saving as hard as a 12 year old could, so that one glorious day, he could buy and own his own tractor. Timmy seriously loved tractors.

As Timmy aged, his obsession grew deeper. He yearned for the day he could own and drive his own tractor, until one day he overheard his parents talking about how they were going to surprise him with a brand new John Deere for his 18th birthday. He could barely contain himself.

Finally, the big day arrived. He was 18! He woke with a start, peeked out the window, and there in the driveway was a giant, brand new John Deere tractor. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIMMY! Was scrawled on the front windscreen of the tractor. He ran outside, and there were his parents, smiling as widely as any parent could. He ran and hugged his parents, crying and laughing with pure glee in the shadow of the colossus. He had never felt this way before!

But enough was enough. It was time.

He climbed into the cab and sat in the driver’s seat. It was perfect. He had waited 18 years for this moment. His hand was shaking as he reached for the key in the ignition. He quickly turned it and…

RRRrrrrrrr CLUNK!

It didn’t start. That’s odd. Try again.

RRRrrrrrrr CLUNK!

Again? This is weird. Bit of a shame, battery must be a bit flat? Try again.

RRRrrrrrrr CLUNK!

Timmy froze. The tractor wouldn’t start. He was let down, betrayed. His whole life up to this point had been a lie. There was a paradigm shift in every fiber of Timmy’s being.

Something inside Timmy snapped.

Timmy screamed, and leaped out of the tractor. He ran to the garage still screaming, and returned with an axe and a fuel can. Screaming like a possessed Viking, he hacked and slashed the tractor. The windows, wheels, cab, dash – nothing was left unscathed. Then he doused it in gasoline and lit it up. He stood, panting, watching the tractor burn, with the wails of his parents in the background.

Timmy walked away, to a bar. He was 18 now, and he needed a drink. He sat down and ordered a beer. Timmy sat at the bar reflecting on his life and his disappointment in all things tractor related. He was trying to forget it all when a putrid stench reached his nose. Thick, black, putrid smoke was billowing into the bar, obviously from his burning tractor down the road. Everybody in the bar was coughing and trying to get away to clear air. This smoke was from a tractor and it made Timmy mad, so he jumped up onto the bar and with one deep breath he sucked up all the smoke in the building, and blew it outside.

Everybody stared at him in stunned silence. No one moved. The bartender spoke for everyone in the room

“How on earth did you do that?”

Timmy slowly turned to him. “I’m an ex tractor fan”

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch. They get to talking about which civilization was the most technologically advanced.

The Englishman proclaims, “Surely England was the most technologically advanced nation. Why, our archaeologists dug 1,000 meters into the earth underneath London and found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years, which is proof positive that our ancestors had a telephone network a thousand years ago.

The Frenchman replies, “Well, my dear English friend, our archaeologists did a similar dig, and after digging 2,000 meters under Paris, uncovered traces of 2,000-year-old fiber-optic cabling; my French ancestors had an advanced, high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than your people!”

Not to be outdone, the Israeli says, “Well my friends, our archaeologists dug as deep as 5,000 meters deep underneath some of the oldest parts of Jerusalem, where people have been living for thousands of years, and found nothing. This is, of course, conclusive evidence that the Israelis have been using wireless technology for 5,000 years.”

[This is an old joke, so I’m sure there are many other variations]

Darkness, silence, cool serene morning

Daybreak not yet piercing the shades

Crackling, popping, cut through the nothing

Shoulders tense, poised for responding

Electricity in fibers, pushing up against gravity

Hands sinking inward, but head rising lightly

Head tossed sideways and eyes aglow

Awoke by her own horn

Together laughter flow

Morning Toot

He said he would look into it.

So one day, Jacques challenged Pierre to a duel. Swords were chosen. They faced off and drew their weapons. Jacques struck first, thrusting his sword toward Pierre, but Pierre daftly swatted his sword to the side and returned a thrust, piercing Jacques in the shoulder. They circled each other a few times as Jacques shook off his injury, merely a flesh wound. Again Jacques thrust his sword toward Pierre, and again Pierre perfectly parried and quickly countered, this time stabbing Jacques deeply in the thigh. Jacques limped back, realizing that Pierre’s defense was impeccable, so he waited for him to make the next move. Minutes passed as they slowly circled each other, but Pierre made no offensive move. Jacques was growing tired of waiting, and he thought he saw an opening so he again thrust his sword toward Pierre. With cat-like reflexes Pierre sidestepped and quickly returned a thrust, striking Jacques in the other shoulder. Jacques reeled back, fearing that Pierre’s defense was impenetrable. He hoped that if Pierre made the next move, he’d be able to counter and win the duel. So again they circled. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Twenty minutes went by, but Pierre didn’t even feint toward an offensive move. By this time, Jacques had lost a considerable amount of blood, and was beginning to feel weak. He knew that if he didn’t act soon, he would lose consciousness. So with every ounce of strength he had left, he let out a great yell, and with pain searing through both his shoulders, he lifted his sword high above his head, slashing it down toward Pierre with every fiber of his being. Pierre daftly deflected his blow as if it was nothing, and with lightning speed he thrust his sword straight through Jacques’ chest. Jacques collapsed, and his loved ones rushed to his aid. He looked up at the faces of his friends and family, blood oozing from his mouth, and with his last breath, he said, “what a bastsard…. all he does is riposte!”

When he got to heaven God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a small Ferrari flag in the window. “This house is yurs for eternity, Enzo,” said God. “This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.”

Enzo felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a huge mansion with a carbon fiber sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Porsche flag, and in every window, a Porsche crest. Enzo looked at God and said, “God, I’m not trying to be ungrateful, ,but I have a question. I have a good manufacturer; my cars won Le Mans and F1 championships. Why does Ferdinand Porsche get a better house than me?” God chuckled and said, “Enzo, that’s not Feridnand’s house, it’s mine!”

Founder Mark Zuckerberg states “The Meta-mucil merger will help us move things along. They are looking forward to this with every fiber of their being.”