English Jokes

They can reach a wider audience.

One of them give it a rub and a genie pops out.

“Thank you for releasing me! You can have 3 wishes, so I that makes it one wish each!”

The Welsh guy goes first, he looks a little shifty, but decides to go ahead anyway

“Genie is it? Alright so, I want you to build a wall between Wales and England, keep the English out!”

The English guy goes next, with a wry smile,

“Right then, I want you to build a wall ALL the way around England, keep EVERYONE out!”

The Scots guy is last and thinks for a minute, “Oi pal!” he say’s to the English guy

“How lanky is this wall o’ yers?”

*”100ft, chap, no one’s getting across”*, say’s the English guy, smugly.

“Aye, so Genie, A’ve made up ma mynd, Flood it!”

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.

She suffers very much and cries in agony:

“Oh I’m dying!” “It hurts” “I’m gonna die soon”

She stops for a seconds and says:

“Well at least the weather is nice today”

The man says: “hey dear, don’t get distracted!”

Not just because of the vocabulary and fun, but also because reading the same thing over and over again is crucial in the learning process.

The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn’t know who’s baby is who’s. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says “I’m pretty sure that’s not your baby it looks Indian so it’s mine”. The English man says “I know, but there’s not a chance in hell I’m leaving here with a baby that could be Welsh.”

Foreign student: I go to bed.

English teacher: No, before that?

Foreign student: I take off my clothes, of course!

English teacher: No, no, do you visit the doctor?

Foreign student: No! No doctors! I don’t like doctors! My uncle went to doctor with chest pain, doctor said he was fine, after he leaves, 10 minutes later he drops dead!

English teacher: Was it a heart attack?

Foreign student: No, a car ran over him!

English teacher: Well, you can’t blame the doctor for that.

Foreign student: No? The doctor was behind the wheel!

(From an old TV show)

A Spanish man goes into a department store looking for a specific item of clothing. But he can’t find what he’s looking for and he doesn’t know the English word for it.

So he grabs a salesperson and says, “Tienes calcetines?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what that is,” the salesperson says.

The guy tries again. “Medias?” He asks, miming pulling up socks. The salesperson brings him to the trouser section.

“No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero medias, calcetines,” he says.

And so it goes for nearly an hour. Finally, almost by accident, the salesperson leads him to the sock section.

The Spanish guy, excited, points and shouts, “Eso sí que es!”

The salesperson’s jaw drops and he says, “Well, why didn’t you TELL me you knew how to spell it?”

An Englishman is out walking in the Highlands and gets thirsty, so he stops at a river to get some water. He’s about to bring the water up to his mouth with his hand when he gets interrupted by a shepherd nearby.

“Dinnae drink oot the river, it’s foo o’ sheep pish!”

The Englishman looks confused and replies, “I’m sorry, my good man, I didn’t understand a word of that! I’m English and on a walking holiday!”

The shepherd smirks and says, “I said use both hands; you’ll get more water that way!”

The genie explains to them that usually he’d give them 3 wishes, but because there’s three people and they all found him equally, that everyone gets one wish.

First, the English man makes his wish.

“Well, I’ve been stranded on this island for 2 years now, so I wish to go back home to my family in England.”

The genie grants his wish, and the English man disappears with a poof.

Now, it’s time for the American to make his wish.

“Well, I’ve been stranded on this island for two years as well, so I wish to go back home to my family in America.”

And the genie grants his wish, and the American disappears with a poof.

Next, the Irish man makes his wish.

“Well, I’m real lonely on this island, so I wish my two buddies were back here with me!”

Edit: grammar

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12-year-old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, who exclaims,” may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.” The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, who replies: ” no thanks, I’ll just wait till the Police get here!”

A blonde is driving home when she gets pulled over by a police officer.

“Mam, may i see you driving license?!”

“What’s a driving license? “

“You know this thing in your purse with your face on…”

She starts digging through her purse, finds her cosmetic mirror, and hands it over to the policeman.

The policeman takes a look at the mirror and responds-

“Should have told me right away your a police officer too ”

Once upon a time, there was a young Indian man named Ram who fell in love with a beautiful white woman. Although his parents did not approve, he stubbornly married the woman and brought her to live in the home he shared with his parents.

The next day, Ram’s mother, named Sita, made breakfast for the whole family. She lovingly made lunch for her husband and son to take to work. The white woman, however, stayed in bed long after the two men went off to work. When she finally came out of her room, Sita was shocked to see the white woman completely naked!

“Why aren’t you wearing clothes?!” asked Sita.

“This is my birthday suit. I was born in this suit, and this is the suit that I shall wear at home.”

Sita tried to explain that the woman couldn’t just walk around the house naked. What would Ram’s father think?! The white woman ignored her requests.

Later that evening, Sita spoke imploringly to her son. “Ram, your wife is walking around in her birthday suit… These white people…!”

“I don’t mind,” said Ram, laughing. “I like it.”

Shocked, Sita went to her own husband and explained the problem to him. “Sita, she is making her husband happy. She should try to keep him pleased with her,” said Ram’s father.

Over the next few days, Sita watched as her daughter in law walked around the house in comfort, and suddenly her own sari seemed like a burden to wear. She also noticed that her son couldn’t keep his hands off his wife. Despite doing no housework at all, this white woman’s birthday suit was keeping her husband very happy.

Sita decided to embrace her daughter in law’s ways. The next day, her husband found her reclining peacefully on the couch, absolutely naked.

“What do you think? I’m in my birthday suit,” she said, smiling.

“Sita, at least you should have ironed it!!”

Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.

One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.

“The White Man was here.”

“How can you tell?”

“We’re speaking English.”

They called the publican over to settle an argument.

“Are there two pints in a quart or four?” asked one.

“There are two pints in a quart” confirmed the publican.

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.

“Two pints miss, and they are on the house.”

The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the guys called out to the publican at the other end of the bar, “You did say two pints, didn’t you?”

“That’s right,” he called back, “two pints.”

She is distraught, fueled by anger – so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is efficient, remorseless, and most importantly, cheap. In fact, he will kill anyone a person desires for only £1.

And so she contacts Big Artie and creates a plan. She tells him that her husband doesn’t follow any kind of schedule, except that without fail he will go to the supermarket every Monday at 6pm for the weekly groceries. This is where Big Artie plans to strike.

And so the next Monday, Big Artie heads to the local Tesco and waits. Right on time the husband arrives, and Big Artie doesn’t hesitate. He steps up behind the cheating husband, puts both hands around his neck, and promptly chokes the life out of him.

Chaos ensues, people run in terror, and the store manager runs towards Big Artie with dreams of being a hero. Big Artie grabs him too, picks him up easily, and wrings his neck.

Finally the store security guard makes his way to the scene of the crime. He has a taser at the ready, but Big Artie is too quick, and once more he grabs the man by the neck and squeezes, ending his life.

The police arrive on the scene. Big Artie is caught red handed, arrested, and charged with three counts of murder.

The next day, the incident is all over the local newspapers, with the simple headline –

“Big Artie Chokes Three For A Pound In Tesco”

Two guys were living in the same apartment building in identical flats. The first guy visits the second one and sees that he just painted his flat and it looks great.

“This looks amazing” the first guy says and asks how many cans of paint he bought. The second guy says he bought seven.

The next day the first guy drives to the store, buys seven cans of paint and starts painting his flat. After few hours he finishes the whole thing but he realises that he used only three cans of paint.

He calls the second guy:

“Hey man I’ve just finished painting the whole place, but I’ve used only 3 cans of paint and I have 4 left!”

Second guy – “Yeah, me too.”

Swedish: What?

English: The dog.

English: Two dogs.

Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!

English: No, go away.

Swedish: No one invited you. >

German: Der Hund.

English: I said go away.

German: Ein Hund, zwei Hunde.

Swedish: Stop it!

German: Den Hund, einen Hund, dem Hund, einem Hund, des Hundes, eines Hundes, den Hunden, der Hunden.

Finnish: Sup.

English: NO.

Swedish: NO.

German: NO. Finn, you go away!!

Finnish: Koira, koiran, koiraa, koiran again, koirassa, koirasta, koiraan, koiralla, koiralta, koiralle, koirana, koiraksi, koiratta, koirineen, koirin.

German: WHAT?

Swedish: You must be kidding us!

English: This must be a joke…

Finnish: Aaaand… koirasi, koirani, koiransa, koiramme, koiranne, koiraani, koiraasi, koiraansa, koiraamme, koiraanne, koirassani, koirassasi, koirassansa, koirassamme, koirassanne, koirastani, koirastasi, koirastansa, koirastamme, koirastanne, koirallani, koirallasi, koirallansa, koirallamme, koirallanne, koiranani, koiranasi, koiranansa, koiranamme, koirananne, koirakseni, koiraksesi, koiraksensa, koiraksemme, koiraksenne, koirattani, koirattasi, koirattansa, koirattamme, koirattanne, koirineni, koirinesi, koirinensa, koirinemme, koirinenne.

English: Those are words for a dog???

Finnish: Wait! I didn’t stop yet. There is still: koirakaan, koirankaan, koiraakaan, koirassakaan, koirastakaan, koiraankaan, koirallakaan, koiraltakaan, koirallekaan, koiranakaan, koiraksikaan, koirattakaan, koirineenkaan, koirinkaan, koirako, koiranko, koiraako, koirassako, koirastako, koiraanko, koirallako, koiraltako, koiralleko, koiranako, koiraksiko, koirattako, koirineenko, koirinko, koirasikaan, koiranikaan, koiransakaan, koirammekaan, koirannekaan, koiraanikaan, koiraasikaan, koiraansakaan, koiraammekaan, koiraannekaan, koirassanikaan, koirassasikaan, koirassansakaan, koirassammekaan, koirassannekaan, koirastanikaan, koirastasikaan, koirastansakaan, koirastammekaan, koirastannekaan, koirallanikaan, koirallasikaan, koirallansakaan, koirallammekaan, koirallannekaan, koirananikaan, koiranasikaan, koiranansakaan, koiranammekaan, koiranannekaan, koiraksenikaan, koiraksesikaan, koiraksensakaan, koiraksemmekaan, koiraksennekaan, koirattanikaan, koirattasikaan, koirattansakaan, koirattammekaan, koirattannekaan, koirinenikaan, koirinesikaan, koirinensakaan, koirinemmekaan, koirinennekaan, koirasiko, koiraniko, koiransako, koirammeko, koiranneko, koiraaniko, koiraasiko, koiraansako, koiraammeko, koiraanneko, koirassaniko, koirassasiko, koirassansako, koirassammeko, koirassanneko, koirastaniko, koirastasiko, koirastansako, koirastammeko, koirastanneko, koirallaniko, koirallasiko, koirallansako, koirallammeko, koirallanneko, koirananiko, koiranasiko, koiranansako, koiranammeko, koirananneko, koirakseniko, koiraksesiko, koiraksensako, koiraksemmeko, koiraksenneko, koirattaniko, koirattasiko, koirattansako, koirattammeko, koirattanneko, koirineniko, koirinesiko, koirinensako, koirinemmeko, koirinenneko, koirasikaanko, koiranikaanko, koiransakaanko, koirammekaanko, koirannekaanko, koiraanikaanko, koiraasikaanko, koiraansakaanko, koiraammekaanko, koiraannekaanko, koirassanikaanko, koirassasikaanko, koirassansakaanko, koirassammekaanko, koirassannekaanko, koirastanikaanko, koirastasikaanko, koirastansakaanko, koirastammekaanko, koirastannekaanko, koirallanikaanko, koirallasikaanko, koirallansakaanko, koirallammekaanko, koirallannekaanko, koirananikaanko, koiranasikaanko, koiranansakaanko, koiranammekaanko, koiranannekaanko, koiraksenikaanko, koiraksesikaanko, koiraksensakaanko, koiraksemmekaanko, koiraksennekaanko, koirattanikaanko, koirattasikaanko, koirattansakaanko, koirattammekaanko, koirattannekaanko, koirinenikaanko, koirinesikaanko, koirinensakaanko, koirinemmekaanko, koirinennekaanko, koirasikokaan, koiranikokaan, koiransakokaan, koirammekokaan, koirannekokaan, koiraanikokaan, koiraasikokaan, koiraansakokaan, koiraammekokaan, koiraannekokaan, koirassanikokaan, koirassasikokaan, koirassansakokaan, koirassammekokaan, koirassannekokaan, koirastanikokaan, koirastasikokaan, koirastansakokaan, koirastammekokaan, koirastannekokaan, koirallanikokaan, koirallasikokaan, koirallansakokaan, koirallammekokaan, koirallannekokaan, koirananikokaan, koiranasikokaan, koiranansakokaan, koiranammekokaan, koiranannekokaan, koiraksenikokaan, koiraksesikokaan, koiraksensakokaan, koiraksemmekokaan, koiraksennekokaan, koirattanikokaan, koirattasikokaan, koirattansakokaan, koirattammekokaan, koirattannekokaan, koirinenikokaan, koirinesikokaan, koirinensakokaan, koirinemmekokaan, koirinennekokaan.

Swedish: Breath!!

German: Whattaaa?

English: Okay, now you’re just making things up!

Finnish: And now the plural forms…..

English: WHAT?!?!

One eager child says, “Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!”

“Very good!” replied the teacher. “Has anybody else got an example?”

“My mummy says my laugh is contagious!” said another child.

“Great answer!” said the teacher, “How about you Paddy?”

“Well, our neighbour was painting his fence with a toothbrush.” said Paddy. “Dad says it’s going to take the contagious!”

They’re all stranded on this Desert Island. The cannibals come and say “right you’re coming back with us and we are going to skin you and turn you into canoes”

So… they arrive at their camp and the cannibals say “before you’re killed you each get one last request”

The scots man is first and says ‘I want the finest whisky that you can find me” he has his whisky and is killed, skinned and turned into a canoe

The English man is next, he says “I’d like a nice roast dinner” he has his roast dinner and gets killed, skinned and turned into a canoe

The Irish man is last and says “Just give me a fork” the cannibals are confused as it’s a strange last request but anyways they give him a fork. The Irish man looks at the cannibals and says “you’re not making a canoe out of me” so he starts stabbing himself with the fork

Their our know rules!

kid:”hey mom are you adding carrots to that soup?”

mom:”yeah, i know you dont like carrots but dont worry, you wont taste the carrot at all”

kid:”then why do you add carrots?”

mom:”because it makes it tastier”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”

“My false teeth are killing me.”

“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”

“Oh please do…”

“Give me a day or two.”

With this they parted. Two days later the sufferer was handed a package with false teeth in it. He tried them and was astonished to find they were a great improvement but “a little on the tight side.”

Saying “Don’t worry, I’ll try again,” two days later he offered another set, but alas the reaction was “Much better, but rather on the loose side.”

“Ah, I think I’ve got it! Let me try just once more.”

Sure enough, two days later he handed over a set saying “I think these will really be just right.”

Putting them in, the sufferer was astonished to find they really were a very good fit. “Thank you so much. These are just right. You must be a wonderful dentist to be able to get false teeth to fit so well just by looking at them!”

Laughing modestly the man replied “Oh I’m not a dentist. I’m a funeral director.”

Let’s face it — English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the sanme, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite alot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

source: jokstop.com :http://jokstop.com/1sY

edit:

wow 154 upvotes and 4th position,while with 2639 another is on 7th. go figure?

Vacuum and Sheep.

He just made such a good point

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

“Quiero calcetines,” said the man.

“I don’t speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here,” said the salesgirl.

“No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines,” said the man.

“Well, these shirts are on sale this week,” declared the salesgirl.

“No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines,” repeated the man.

“I still don’t know what you’re trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack,” offered the salesgirl.

“No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines,” insisted the man.

“These sweaters are top quality,” the salesgirl probed.

“No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines,” said the man.

“Our undershirts are over here,” fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.

“No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines,” the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, “Eso sí que es!”

“Why didn’t you just spell it in the first place?!” yelled the salesgirl.

But Math puns make me number.

Not a ton

… He quietly leaves the room, and calls the butler:

– John, could you please bring me my saber.

John brings the saber. The lord takes it and enters the bedroom. A few seconds later he comes out, wiping the saber with a handkerchief, and tells the butler:

– John, please bring a band-aid for the gentleman and a corkscrew for the lady.

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Sì”

“Ja”

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, How Come Fingers Don’t Fing.

If The Plural Of Tooth Is Teeth

Shouldn’t The Plural Of Phone Booth Be Phone Beeth

If The Teacher Taught,

Why Didn’t The Preacher Praught.

If A Vegetarian Eats Vegetables

What The Heck Does A Humanitarian Eat!?

Why Do People Recite At A Play

Yet Play At A Recital?

Park On Driveways And

Drive On Parkways

How Can The Weather Be As Hot As Hell On One Day

And As Cold As Hell On Another

You Have To Marvel At The Unique Lunacy

Of A Language Where A House Can Burn Up As

It Burns Down

And In Which You Fill In A Form

By Filling It Out

And A Bell Is Only Heard Once It Goes!

English Was Invented By People, Not Computers

And It Reflects The Creativity Of The Human Race

(Which Of Course Isn’t A Race At All)

That Is Why

When The Stars Are Out They Are Visible

But When The Lights Are Out They Are Invisible

And Why It Is That When I Wind Up My Watch

It Starts

But When I Wind Up This Poem

It Ends.

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.

The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.

When the Dutch and the English man come back with food and water the Chinese man is nowhere to be found. They wait a bit till they can’t wait longer and start preparing the food.

The Dutch and English guy start eating and out of nowhere the Chinese guy jumps out the bushes and shouts: ” SUPPLIES “.

The Englishman proudly announced, “Thirty-five acres!”

“Thirty-five acres?” the Texan scoffed. “Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

“Ah, yes,” the Englishman nodded in understanding. “I had a truck like that once.”

He looked at me and said, “Me, how?”

and of using Late Latin phrases concerning an extinct pre-French language to mean “universally spoken”.

Tally Hoes.

They pee into urinals.

After they’ve done it, the english diplomat washes his hands – the russian one, however, doesn’t.

– We, in the Royal University of Diplomacy, were told to wash our hands after we pee, – says the englishman.

– And we, – the russian responds, – in the University of International Relationships, were told not to pee on our hands.

A liver pool.

I mean how hard is it to understand that “I peppered salt on my baked fries and boneless ribs?”

They’ll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.

Common English Mistakes

-mixing up there, their, and they’re

-using the wrong too, to, or two

-putting commas in the wrong place

-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches

-using apostrophes for plurals

When I asked him what it was, he said “Qué?”

Smiles

Cuz both the first and the last letters are a mile apart

Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:

Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : Let’s try this another way. If Igive you two bottles of beer, and twobottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Little Johnny : SIX.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Little Johnny: I’ve already got one rabbit at home!

British English: bloody hell!

Australian English: ¡llǝɥ ʎpoolq

Aloe, gov’na

Turn off the Playstation.

Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.

They’re both trying to finish their sentence.

Synonym toast crunch

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

“Dr Johnson,” they said, “we congratulate you for omitting all indecent or obscene words from your dictionary.”

“Ladies,” said Dr. Johnson, “I congratulate you for looking them up.”

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information.

But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell.

“How did you do that!” The other two were amazed at his endurance. “I wanted to give up all my information,” replied the Italian. “But they tied my hands, so I couldn’t talk.”

“Of course miss” Johnny replies “my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday”.

“Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?”

“Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over the driveway, dad said ‘it’s going to take the contagious to pick all that up.”

And three silent K’s in “Republican”.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says “my family is mostly happy but what we really need is a bit more money. My dad leaves for work before I am even awake and he works hard until late at night to put food on the table. Money is needed in my family, more time with my dad is needed.”

The teacher is moved, she thanks the student and moves on to the next, a little boy stands up and says “all we are missing in my family is my older brother. He wen’t off to fight in the war a year ago and nobody has heard from him since. My mom always waits for him by the window. My brother is desperately needed back in our family.”

The teacher is now tearing up, she thanks the little boy and moves on to the next student, eventually making their way around the classroom with one heartfelt response after another.

Finally they come to the last student, Little Johnny. The teacher has come to expect antics from him but gives him a chance. “Little Johnny, what about you… what is something needed by your family?” Little Johnny stands up briefly and says “nothing, we have everything” and sits back down. The teacher, slightly upset, asks “Now how is that possible? Each of your classmates have shared something, how can you be *so* sure that your family doesn’t need a thing?”

Little Johnny stands back up and says “well I was watching TV with my parents late last night when my sister came home crying. She said DAD! Please don’t be mad at me but I am pregnant! My dad disappointingly slapped his knee and said “Damn it! That’s all we needed!”

Tequila Mockingbird

He suffered a massive corrolary

That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I try to use it as often as possible

The English cat was named One Two Three; his French competitor was named Un Deux Trois.

Unfortunately, Un Deux Trois cat sank.

There’s ‘Hors D’oeuvres’ for starters.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

And thus a great nation of sailors was born

If they play it with a soccer ball

~Norm MacDonald

Your days are numbered. Mark my words.

*Regrettably, I cannot dictate to my secretary what I think of You, since she, after all, is a lady. Moreover, I don’t even have a right to think of You like that, since I, after all, am a Gentleman. However, I am certain that You will understand me correctly, since You, after all, are neither.*

“It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope”,said Jose age 6.

An Anglo-Saxophonist

Because he never finished his sentences…

The first day I taught them everything beginning with A.

The second day I taught them everything beginning with B.

D Day was a bit tricky.

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

She wasn’t happy with my improper use of the colon.

“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language can a double positive form a negative.”

But then a voice from the back of the room piped up,

“Yeah, right.”

Because they‘re *les dents*

The English cat’s name was One-Two-Three, and the French cat’s name was Un-Deux-Trois. They both swam as fast as they could across the Channel, but in the end, the One-Two-Three cat was declared the winner because…..

the Un-Deux-Trois cat sank! (quatre cinq)

At least, I’m pretty sure that’s correct.

Double negatives are a no no.

Because the others are Not-Cs

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife’s last name 모 (pronounced ‘mo’).

I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.

So when I go around and introduce my child I could say

“This is our child 모 Lester”

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

but apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

The plural of Karen is HOA.

At least, I’m pretty certain.

At least, I’m pretty sure…

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with “sure.” Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I’d like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really keep me going, so thanks to you too!

In England, 2 eggs are used in an omelette. In France, just one egg is un oeuf.

Ask them what “!” is

Ask me again why I have so much inner conflict.

However, I’m sure he’ll be worried enough to increase it to an A after I inform him that I’ve actually missed three periods.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it’s the Pope’s turn, he asks: “Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?”

“You mean JC?”, responds the alien. “Yeah, we know him! He’s the greatest, isn’t he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok”.

Surprised, the pope follows up with: “He visits every year?! It’s been over two millennia and we’re still waiting for his SECOND coming!”

The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize. “Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?”

The pope retorts “Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?”

The alien says “Yea, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?”

The Norwegian fjord is a left hand drive.

Remember, you can change the meaning of a word and sentence by putting an s on the end.

For example

“On a first date remember to show your restraint.”

Vs

“On a first date remember to show your restraints.”

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, “Gloria” (18 syllables).

Source: Catholic Exchange

Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It’s just a grand coincidence that that word in the OP I can barely understand had only one more syllable than “Gloria”.

Pharmacist: Aloe.

Me: Uhh. Hi. Do you have anything for dry skin?

It’ll have its prose and cons.

Man, I hate babies.