East Jokes

Easter

Westos

… “Hi! I’d like some bathroom tiles repaired please. When can you come?”

Tiler: “Next appointment is in 8 years.”

Man: “Oh, OK, I take it.”

Tiler: “Morning or Afternoon?”

(This is the type of joke that went around in communist countries like Eastern Europe. Tradesmen were phenomenally hard to get hold of unless you were high up in the communist part hierarchy)

Iran

The Aussie gets up and begins flailing his arms and laughing. When he gets back down, the American says

“What, did you *come* here to die?”

The Aussie responds “Nah, I came here yesterday.”

Easter

A Ukrainian peasant finds a genie in a bottle. The genie offers him three wishes. He’s a stupid peasant but he knows what he likes.

The peasant says, “I want the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and then go back to China.”

So it happens and the Chinese army invaded Ukraine from the east and easily defeats the country.

For his next wish, before the genie can even finish his sentence, the peasant again asks for the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and then go home.

So it happens. And the Chinese defeat Ukraine from the east.

For his third wish, the peasant again asks for the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and go home.

“I gave you three wishes,” the genie cries. “Why did you ask for the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east three times?”

Because to invade Ukraine 3 times they had to go through Russia 6 times

Because they only eat e o p a

….when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop. The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything.

An station attendent came to the car and started filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the man liked the weather, to which the man replied, “Very much.”

“What’d he say?” asked the woman.

“He asked if I like the weather, and I told him ‘yes’,” replied her husband.

“Where are you-all headed,” asked the attendant.

“Oh, we’re going to Jacksonville,” he repied.

“What’d he say?”, asked the woman.

“He asked where we’re going, and I told him to Jacksonville”, the husband replied.

“Where are y’all from,” inquired the attendant a few moments later.

“Oh, we’re from Maine,” the man replied.

“Ah, I was in Maine for two years while I was in the Air Force, replied the attendant. In fact, I dated a girl from Maine while I was there. It didn’t last long though. I have to tell you, this girl was the worst lay of any girl I ever knew.”

“What’d he say?” inquired the woman.

“He said he thinks he knows you,” replied her husband.

I don’t know…Their verses aren’t Pacific.

A Russian diplomat and an American diplomat are discussing the differences between their two systems.

The American tries to make it easy for the Russian to understand the concept of free speech.

“Anytime I want”, says the Yank, “I can walk right up to the top of the steps at Capital Hill and yell, The President of America is a crook and a liar! and no one will try to stop me.”

“Hah!, you are naive, my American friend.”

“I, says the Russian, can climb the steps to the very doors of the Kremlin, pound on the doors, allow the Red Guards to surround me, and yell as loud as I can, “The President of America is a crook and a liar!” and no one will try to stop me.”

Well, Kenya?

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

“What happened?” The man asks as he downs his drink.

“There’s a dragon 10km east from here.” The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east and sure enough there’s a dragon. It’s fire I swear hot enough to melt mountains but eventually the man manages to defeat it. A Hawaiian monk approaches the man.

“You seem very strong, do you mind helping me?” The Hawaiian monk asks.

“Sure, what do you need?” The man replies. The monk tells him of a hidden temple in the desert. So the man hires a private jet and flies into the desert where he meets a sphinx. The sphinx asks him a riddle.

“What walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon and three in the evening?”

After 13 hours the man figures out the answer, a human. The sphinx leads him to the temple. As the man goes through the temple he has to kill hundreds of penguins but finally he makes it to the top floor where there is a red jewel.

He picks up the jewel and a spaceship appears. Bored, the man gets into the spaceship and flies through the galaxy, exploring a ton of planets including Namek and Saturn. Finally the man finds a tiny planet with the surface area of a football pitch. He sets foot on it when a tree ambushes him.

“Hello, will you take me to earth?” The tree asks.

“Sure.” The man says.

“You’re a great dude so I’ll grant you one wish.” The tree promises.

“Could you make me a watch that measures time 100% accurately wherever I am?” The man asks.

“Do you realise how advanced that technology would need to be. It would need to take into account relativity, gravity, your velocity and tons of other factors.” The tree moans.

“Ok, can you stop people reposting on r/jokes whilst only changing the setup?” The man says.

“What kind of watch again?” The tree asks.

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

“Take a couple swings at that tree over there.” The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.

“Holy smokes, you’ve got quite the arm! You’re absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here.” The foreman points out a much larger tree.

One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.

“That’s incredible!” Cried the foreman. “Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!”

“In the Sahara Forest.” Replied the lumberjack.

“Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?” Asked the foreman.

“That’s why I’m here.”

[Credit](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2u248l/a_woodchopper_from_the_middle_east_is_looking_for/)

There once was a man from East Kent,

Whose tool was so long that it bent.

To save her some trouble,

he folded it double.

And instead of coming, he went.

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the main. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?

“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

Under Prussia

In West Germany your job determines your Marks.

In East Germany Marx determines your job.

The foreman said, “I don’t know if this is the kind of job you want; here we chop trees.” The woodchopper said, “That’s precisely the sort of work I do.” The foreman replied, “Okay, here’s an axe—let’s see how long it takes you to chop down this tree here.” The woodchopper went over to the tree and felled it with one blow. The foreman, amazed, said, “Okay, try that big one over there.” The woodchopper went over to the tree—biff, bam—in two strokes the tree was down. “Fantastic!” cried the foreman. Of course you are hired, but how did you ever learn to chop like that?” “Oh,” he replied, “I’ve had plenty of practice in the Sahara Forest.” The foreman thought for a moment. “You mean,” he said, “the Sahara Desert.” “Oh yes,” replied the woodchopper, “it is now!”

There was this-here feller from East Texas who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers. He proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, “I have a flat tar.” In response the passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares and the back! I never did understand it neither.”

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town to see if he could track down some of his kin.

After landing in Dublin, and driving an hour outside of the city, he stopped in a pub to grab a drink and start asking around about his family.

The Texan sat down, ordered a pint, and started talking to the Irishman sitting at the bar. After explaining his story and the purpose of the trip, the Irishman responded, “You don’t say! I’ve never heard of your family, but I’m a farmer as well. Tell me, what’s it like farming in Texas?”

“Gladly,” the Texan said, “farming in Texas has been quite lucrative for me. If you started out in the morning, and drove west, you could drive all day before you reached the end of my property. And if you started the next day and drove East all day, you wouldn’t reach the end of my property. Same thing North and South, you could drive either direction all day and you wouldn’t reach the end of my farmland.”

“Ahh, I know what you mean,” said the Irishman, “I’ve got a tractor like that as well.”

They would cross the Finnish line.

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Suzie?”

Suzie says, “No mom! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.

A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”

The doctor replies, “No, not really. It’s just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, “Hey, sarge, why did you stop?”

The sarge replied, “He’s in Georgia now. They’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him.

A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”

The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters…

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand… Totally exhausted and panting.

Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place”

“That should have worked,” said the friend.

The salesman replied, “Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn’t realize that Arabs Read from Right to Left…”

A young, American soldier arrives to his first tour of duty in an undeveloped area of Kuwait, and quickly discovers that things are rather strict. While he’s able to distract himself for the first few days, he soon starts to get a little bit “antsy,” and wonders how, exactly, he’s meant to contend with that. Finally, feeling rather embarrassed, he approaches another soldier.

“Listen, man,” the newly arrived soldier whispers, “I was a teenager once. I know how to ‘take care of things’ without much for inspiration… but come on! There must be something around here to help ‘ease the tension.'”

“You’re using a lot of euphemisms,” the seasoned soldier responds.

“Shut up and tell me the secret,” answers the newly arrived soldier.

“Well, which do you want me to do?”

The newly arrived soldier rolls his eyes, becoming irritated at the length of this joke. “Just tell me!”

After glancing around to make sure that nobody is listening, the seasoned soldier leans in close. “Okay, listen: Out behind the barracks, there’s a tree. Tied to that tree is a camel. When you’re feeling… you know…”

Before the seasoned solider can finish, the newly arrived soldier makes a sound of disgust and pulls away. “That’s horrible!” he shouts, and he struts off in a huff.

Still, as the sun sets and the young man finds it increasingly impossible to fall asleep, he decides to bite the proverbial bullet and give the “local remedy” a try. He sneaks out behind the barracks, and sure enough, there’s a camel tied to a tree there. After taking a few deep breaths (and finding a bucket on which to stand), the soldier drops his pants. The next several minutes of this joke have been removed for decency’s sake, but suffice to say that the soldier finally got some rest that night.

The following morning, the newly arrived solider approaches the seasoned soldier who told him about the camel.

“Well, I did it,” he says. “It wasn’t as bad as I thought.”

“Yeah, you get used to it,” the seasoned soldier replies. “My first time, though, I thought that camel-ride to the brothel would last forever.”

“Great! I visited an ancient temple in Iraq.”

“Ziggurat?”

“No thanks, I’m trying to quit.”

…and there’s this group of fancy ladies standing around.

“Howdy,” he said. “Which school did y’all go to?”

“Oh… Yale,” one of them replied daintily.

‘WHICH SCHOOL DID Y’ALL GO TO?!”

“Because you are one screwed-up mess, but I can’t resist getting involved!”

Osama Bin Loggin

Both are covered in oil, huge, and been invaded by the West.

Cheeses of Nazareth

The Allahu ak-Bar

I ran.

Sandy, obviously!

M’laysia

One is eutrophication, the other is “You terrific Asian”

TV execs decided to go with The Flintstones as an initial trial to see how they’ll be received.

So far there has been mixed reviews.

People in Dubai don’t get the humour at all but by all reports, the people in Abu Dhabi do.

I come from the West and man, it was like talking to a brick wall.

Little Johnny answered first. “I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, loads of cocaine, and all the while banging her like a loose barn door in a hurricane.”

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

“And how about you, Sarah?”

“I wanna be Johnny’s tart Miss!”

He embarks by train from California, hoping to seek a new job and new adventures.

Somewhere in Arizona, the train slows down at a small station and passengers stream on and off. Looking through a window, the cowboy sees an old Native American man wearing what looks like the garb of a powerful Indian chief, sitting on the platform. He stares at the old Indian until a man next to him on the train leans over and whispers, “That old wiseman has the best memory in the world. He remembers Everything that has ever happened to him, from the day he was born! You can ask him Anything that has ever happened to him, and he’ll be able to answer you correctly.”

Amazed and curious, the cowboy jumps off the train and runs over to the Indian. “Are you the guy who remembers everything?” the cowboy asks. The Indian nods silently. The cowboy starts trying to think of a good question to ask the Indian.. but the train conductor begins calling All Aboard, and the train begins to chug. “Uhh… ahhh….” the cowboy frantically searches for something, Anything to ask the Indian.. the train begins to roll slowly forward… the cowboy panics!

“Ah… what did you have for breakfast?!”

“Eggs,” the Indian replies.

Cursing his lack of creativity, the cowboy sprints back onto the train. As it pulls away from the station, he grumbles to himself about how weak of a question he had chosen, and what an opportunity he had lost. He fixates on his failure, and cannot find fulfillment in any job in any town all across the country.. all he cares about is finding that Indian again, and redeeming himself. He begins searching across the nation, seeking out gatherings of Indians, wandering from tribe to tribe looking for clues to the old chief’s whereabouts. Over time, he learns many Native American languages and becomes familiar with the customs and stories of many of the different groups.. but still he cannot find the chief. He continues searching for years, until years turn into decades, and eventually he, too, is an old man. Sighing in resignation one day, he wearily boards a train headed west, back to California; if he must die unfulfilled, at least he can die where he was born.

And, of course, You, dear reader, know where this is going.. because of how much the universe loves a good narrative, the train pulls into another nondescript little station somewhere in Arizona… and there, on the platform, looking almost the same way he did on that fateful afternoon so many years ago, sits the chief.

Tears in his eyes, the old cowboy hobbles off the train and approaches the ancient wiseman with all the respect and deference he had learned from his time among the tribes. Preparing to redeem himself with a new and better conversation, the cowboy raises his hand solemnly and greets the chief: “How!”

The chief nods, and says,

“Scrambled.”

THE ONE PIECE ISRAEL

Japan?

– No, I kept the camera still.

A professor is asked to speak in the middle east on the subject of human rights.

He boards his plane and arrives without trouble. He continues his way to the podium he is about to speak on. To his astonishment the room is completely empty with the exception of one man.

Since his subject is so important the professor decides to give his full speah to the one person that is there.

At the end of his speech the professor is curious about this one-man-audience and asked him why he was the one person in the middle east that came to listen to human rights.

The man immediately corrects him stating; I am sorry sir, but I am the next speaker.

They Dubai

Low rents of Arabia.

After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him.

*”Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun.”*

*”And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday, and they said the holiday was already over.”*

*”And then I called Xi Jinping to wish him a happy new year, and he said ‘what, it’s still the old year’.”*

Putin nodded his head sympatheticly, saying:

*”I, too, have had these kinds of problems. I called Prigozhin’s family to offer them condolences, but it turned out we hadn’t even killed him yet.”*

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast ‘The Flintstones’.

A spokesman for the channel said: ‘A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do.’

“Dude, don’t touch her. She has EARS!”

Salim Shady

Dubreak, Dubai.

A Euthanasian.

A sommelier Somali heir

General Washington decided he needed to find a place to stay for him and his 43 men. The first place they found was a farm. The farmer, seeing just how many men the General had knew he couldn’t keep almost most of them on the farm, but was wanted to help the cause so in compromise he agreed to let just one soldier stay. Washington and his men talked about it and agreed that Alexander Cox should be the one to stay; a good soldier who all the men liked and the farm reminded him of home. So Washington and his men said their goodbyes to Cox and continued their search for shelter. After a few hours they came across a brothel and knocked on the door and the Madame soon greeted them and asked what they wanted.

“We need to take shelter until this winter storm passes” General Washington said

The madame, worried about all these men around her girls thought about It

“How many of you are there?” She asked cautiously

“Forty-two, without Cox” General Washington answered

“Well in that case come on in!” The Madame replied with relief.

While there they got into a huge argument about the best mode of transportation; unicycle versus bicycles. The argument was so large they decided to divorce.

Cause of divorce:

Iraq and cyclable differences

It’s Windows standard.

Cause there’s no one left when the clock hits zero

…but ISIS

It just seemed to blow up

I mean, it’s Christmas day, we could use the good China.

Jihad and seek!

Because Iran’s so far away

He told me prophets were going through the roof

From a shawarma bees

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have been. After months of searching, the investigator comes back to her with only a single photo of the boy adopted out to the Mexican couple.

“There’s no photo of the other child!?” the woman says, dismayed.

The investigator shrugs. “Geeze, lady! They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

They both get stoned.

No, you the bomb.

A compliment in America.

An argument in the Middle East.

Iran.

Oman the whole story is ridiculous.

I basically had to Qatar cross the border.

Just like Bon Jovi, I was basically Lebanon a prayer the whole time.

I know it doesn’t sound like a true story, but I assure you Israel.

Honestly I could tell you more but it Kuwait.

Astonished, the American says to his host:

“In my country, gold is a very precious commodity. It is kept in Fort Knox, surrounded by an almost insurmountable concrete wall, watchtowers, mines and barbed wire, and guarded by dogs and soldiers.”

“You see,” replies the minister of East Germany,

“That is the difference between your system and ours. For us, the human being is the most precious commodity.”

It’s pretty Syrias

The plot’s too confusing and I can’t connect with any of the characters.

When suddenly he bumps his foot at something. Moving away some sand he finds it to be a magic lamp. He immediately starts rubbing the lamp and a genie appears.

Being grateful for being released after 200 years, the genie offered the man to make one wish of something he really wanted in his life.

Well…, the man started. As I have many Reddit friends living in Europe, I really would like to pay some a visit once. But, as I am so afraid to fly or to take a boat, I think I would like to wish for a bridge from here to France, please.

The genie thinks for a moment and he says: Sorry my friend, this is technically too much of a challenge. The ocean is very deep, how can I be sure the bridge will be stable? No, unfortunately I must ask you to wish for something different. I am really sorry.

The man, a little disappointed, thinks a while and finds something else to wish for. Look Genie, so far I didn’t have much luck with women. I don’t quite see what they do, their reasons, how they react, how they think…so I wish to understand women!

The genie again thinks for a moment, and he replies: that bridge you would like…do you want it with 2 or 4 lanes in each direction?

They should check out Qatar George…

He knows all the Kurds.

Because that would be bazaar

I call it the Goulashnikov.

An Ex-Stasi

They prayed for more gas.

… apparently burning the Qur’an gets you way more stoned.

Teacher: Asghar?

Asghar: Here!

Teacher:Hassan?

Hassan: Present!

Teacher: Rahal?

Rahal: A present, count to four!

Teacher: Don’t you mean ‘present and accounted for’?

Rahal: No. Count to two.

Teacher: What do you- BOOM!

It’s titled A Kuwait Place

Friend- “That’s not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east”.

Me- “Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook”.

Because there are targets on every single corner.

Thus I was not surprised to find out that she was a Qatar.

That’s where they kept the Saladin

It’s called the teleban

Most cities won’t screen episodes of The Flintstones but Abu Dhabi doooooooo

as a fine red mist.

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don’t know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.

Latin American countries are sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.

Its now going to be referred to as Ry-aye mans.

Sales are great but I’ve never had any returning customers.

They’re calling it the iRaq.

iRan to buy it the day it was released.

But it was sold out… O-Man!

After his new teacher had spoken for an hour on the importance of following one’s inner nature along the path, the man interrupted to say: “I thought the idea was to lose one’s desires and attain enlightenment.”

“No, no,” the teacher admonished. “That was Zen. This is Tao.”

The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.

>In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.

And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

At first I’d read that it was due to be set in Vietnam, but then I realised that it was a Thai Po.

They were spawn killing the terrorists

He’s still alive.

(Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)

He shells Seychelles by the seashore

But only stopped because of the Taliban.

The population of this country is 327 million.

76 million are retired.

That leaves 251 million to do the work.

There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.

Which leaves 203 million to do the work

There are 74 million children younger than 6

Which leaves 129 million to do the work

There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.

Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.

At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation

Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work

Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.

Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.

Which leaves 12 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.

And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.