Kind of lame jokes I make up for myself after reading the dictionary.
Me and my GF had a fight about the dictionary
I remember meeting a guy, before the days of the Internet, who wanted to try and start a new ‘Joke Format’ and I’m interested to see if it catches on.
1. ‘I started a new business’
2. ‘Oh yeah? What business are you in’
1. ‘The Rollercoaster business’
2. ‘And how’s business?’
1. ‘it has its ups and downs’
Or
1. ‘I started a new busienss’
2. ‘Oh yeah? What business are you in’
1. ‘The Welsh Dictionary business’
2. ‘And how’s business?’
1. ‘The R’s are long”
Just any sort of silly stupid pun or spin you can put on it, with kudos for the most ludicrous convoluted businesses.
All these jokes about Hamlet on top of a dictionary are getting tiresome
I once swallowed a whole dictionary.
I opened the dictionary
I checked fooling and it said *see Practical joke*.
A man asked his friend,” what do you call a dictionary on drugs? “
The man replied,” I was going to say ‘ high definition ‘ but yours is better.
My dad ought to buy a dictionary.
All I asked for this Christmas was a dictionary and I didn’t get one
What word is spelled wrong on every dictionary.
My school did a performance last year called “The Dictionary”
My brother has been writing a stage drama about a dictionary and a thesaurus. I’m really looking forward to it.
Last night I tried to read the dictionary in bed but didn’t finish it.
A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library…
The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary “I can see how distraught you are.”
The Dictionary responds “You don’t even know the meaning of the word.”
The Thesaurus then says “But I know what it’s like.”
Words in a dictionary were having a fight
‘Queue’ says, “Hold my beer stupids”.
I once choked trying to eat a dictionary. So then my friend helped me spit it out…
I keep telling people gullible isn’t in the dictionary
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
I tried looking for some hurtful words in the dictionary.
I wrote a script about the dictionary for my local theatre
I have an odd friend who gets off to the dictionary.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
I am so bored I started reading the dictionary from start to finish.
A girl just finished telling her problem to a dictionary, thesaurus and an atlas…
The thesaurus said, “I feel the same way”
And the atlas said, “I can see where you’re coming from”
What do they say about a rapper who stole a dictionary?
Dr. Samuel Johnson, author of the first great dictionary of English language, was visited by a delegation of respectable ladies of London.
“Ladies,” said Dr. Johnson, “I congratulate you for looking them up.”
I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.
Pages have been ripped out of the dictionary at the public library
Dictionary namesake Noah Webster’s funeral
Miriam says, “Of course!”
The man goes up and says, “Plethora.”
The widow Webster smiles and says, “Thank you, that means a lot.”
Another man comes up to her and says, “I, too, would like to say a word if that is acceptable.”
Miriam says, “Of course!”
The man goes up and says, “Infinity.”
The widow Webster smiles and says, “Thank you, that means more than you can know.”
Lastly, a woman comes up to Miriam and says, “I, too, would like to say a word if that is acceptable.”
Miriam says, “Of course!”
The woman goes up and says, “Aorta.”
The widow Webster smiles and says, “Thank you, that warms my heart.”
————
There are myriad ways to tell this joke. These are just the words I use. Which do you use/ have seen used instead?
I’m tearing out pages of the dictionary.
Trump was told that the word ‘gullible’ had been removed from the dictionary.
Covid has me really bored at home so I read the entire dictionary and actually found a word spelled wrong.
This morning I ripped ‘afresh’ and ‘anew’ from my dictionary.
I read the dictionary the other day
I went to see “The Dictionary: A Musical” last night but left disappointed…
I downloaded a swearing dictionary from the Pirate Bay and
After a long day’s work, I came home and saw my kid ripping off the front and back pages of my dictionary.
Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary
Did you hear that they’re making a Broadway production based off the dictionary?
When you have finished reading the dictionary
How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?
I was reading through the dictionary the other day I couldn’t believe what I found.
Someone gave me a Dictionary that only went up to “S”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Me: I can’t look up anything
You know why the Bible is better than the dictionary?
I gave my 4 month old son a dictionary.
People always call me a walking dictionary
I just read through six pages in a dictionary.
Every dictionary has at least one mistake
I got a tattoo of a dictionary on my bisep…
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank…
My son chewed and swallowed a dictionary.
If I ripped out the first 100 pages of my dictionary, will I then be able to look up well, but and actually?
My wife bought me a camouflage cover for my dictionary and it’s just what I always wanted
There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary
If there is an Urban Dictionary…
Credits to my friend Portia.
I’ll never use that dictionary again…
Go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means
Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Leroys says, “Hey, Jasper, there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in.”
“But we’s privates,” protests Jasper. “We’s sergeants now,” says Leroy, pulling him inside.
“Now, Jasper, I’m a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.”
“But we’s privates,” says Jasper.
“You blind, boy?” asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. “We’s sergeants now.”
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to date you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhoea.”
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.”
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
“Jasper,” he says, “what fo’ you give me the okay?”
“Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates.” He points to his stripes. “But we’s sergeants now!”
Why did the bodybuilder borrow a dictionary?
I couldn’t afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.
Now that there is a musical about Alexander Hamilton, I’m going to make a Musical about the founding of the Webster’s English Dictionary
I’m like a human dictionary.
Why did the dictionary have an existential breakdown?
Have you ever looked up the word “whistle” in the dictionary?
My favourite word in the dictionary is “toned”
I just want to thank the guy who lent me his dictionary to look for the meaning of the word plethora…
I once abused someone with a dictionary…
My friend: the newest edition of the Anger Management Dictionary still doesnt have the word “patience!”
Dictionary definition; ‘lackadaisical’
Webster’s dictionary recently changed the spelling of Aquarius to “Ahquarius.”
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!
And if you marry a wife like mine who likes shopping, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!