Customer Jokes

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replies, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.

‘Oh, I really don’t care or mind,’ said the waiter with a smile. ‘We don’t have an air conditioner.’

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn’t wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.

one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him.

the robber asked if anyone else had seen his face.

one customer, gazing intently at the ground, said “I think my wife got a glimpse”

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

I’m pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

And the customer responds

“No, no, comeforfood”

Waitress: Excuse me! The men I please is none of your damn business!

Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?

…and tells the cashier: “Good morning. I’ve come to pay the final installment on the loan used to buy a baby stroller”

Cashier: “That’s wonderful. And how is the baby doing?”

Customer: “I’m doing alright, thank you.”

At noon, when the lunch whistle blows,

Two thousand men and women immediately

stop work and leave the building.

“Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor.

“You’ve got to stop them.”

“Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American.

And indeed, at exactly one o’clock the whistle blows again,

and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer

turns to his guest and says,

“Well, now, which of these machines

would you like to order?”

“Forget the machines,” says the visitor.

“How much do you want for that whistle?”

After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonalds in Germany.

An American customer overhears the man’s order, and he approaches the German man and says, “How could you be so stupid? you cannot order beer here.” while laughing at the German man right to his face.

The German man thinks for a second and then he starts laughing uncontrollably. Not just any laugh. This is a laugh so intense that he is struggling not to fall over.

The American customer is no longer laughing. He now has a puzzled look on his face. He asks the German man, “what’s so funny?” The German man says, “I just realized that you came here for the food.”

“Can I help you find something?”

“I’m looking for toilet paper.”

“What color?”

“Give me white. I’ll color it myself!”

After a long stint in prison, Kathy managed to secure herself a job at a candy shop

She arrived on the first day wearing a proper yet practical dress. However, her first day was set to be retrieving candy at the front register

The first customer came, looked at the candy, and asked for liquorice. This was on the top shelf, so Kathy had to climb up and down the ladder to get it

The second customer came, checked the candy shelf, and asked for peppermint. These were also on the top shelf, so Kathy had to climb up and down the ladder again

The following customers all also wanted the top-shelf candy, forcing Kathy to spend all day going up and down the ladder

At the end of the day Kathy went to the owner, George, to ask a question: “Hey so, may I ask, why is all the popular candy on the top shelf?”

George looked her up and down. “I, uh, don’t think it’s the candy. They, uh, might have wanted to see your undergarments”

“Huh.. Well joke’s on them: I don’t even wear panties!”

A man returns to his home town in Russia after 30 years. He sees a shoe shop that he remembers from his time living there and goes in. He tells the owner “I remember this shop. I left a pair of shoes here for repair 30 years ago before escaping to the West.” The owner says “Yes, I remember you. Wait just a moment”, and disappears to a back room. After a minute or so he reappears and tells the man “They’ll be ready next Thursday. ”

$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says,

“You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!”

It is her first day, and her first customer drives to pump #1 in a red convertible. Super excited, she approaches the customer and says, “Hey, mister, would you like some gas?” The customer says, “Yes, that’s why I am here,” she immediately gets to work, filling the customer’s tank.

While the tank is filling up, she approaches the customer again and says, “Hey, mister, would you like me to clean your windshield?” The customer says, “Sure, why not?” so she cleans his windshield, making sure to get every part of the windshield, and she does an incredible job.

Once she completes cleaning his windshield, she approaches him again and says, “Hey, mister, would you like me to check your blinkers to see if they work?” The customer says, “Sure, why not?” so she gets on all fours in front of the car and screams to the customer, “Ok, you can turn them on. I am ready!”

The customer turns on his left turn signal because her face is right in front of that turn signal. The customer then hears her scream at the top of her lungs, “YES!-NO!-YES!-NO!-YES!-NO!-YES!-NO!-YES!-NO!-YES!-NO!-YES!-NO!-YES!-NO!-YES!-NO!”

He goes to the bartender and asks “how much for a beer?” The bartender replies “$1”. The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender “Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?” The Bartender reply’s “$5”.r>

The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says “Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place”. The bartender then says “Oh well, he’s upstairs in his office with my wife”.

The guy looks all confused then asks “What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?” The bartender then says “The same thing I’m doing to his business”.

Because some people aren’t hungry enough to eat eight pieces. That joke isn’t very funny. I guess pizza jokes are all about the delivery.

“I mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later!”

The only person around is a bartender, who is on his phone, and who waves to indicate he’ll be with him as soon as he can.

The guy nods and waits patiently, but suddenly he hears a small voice say: “Nice shirt!” He looks around, but can’t see anyone other than the bartender, who is still on the phone.

He shrugs, thinking he’s just imagining things, when he hears a similar voice say: “Smart haircut, handsome!” Again he looks around nervously, but there’s nobody near who could possibly have spoken to him.

Then he hears yet another voice, soft and small like the first two: “You’re really looking sharp today, have you lost weight?” At this point the guy is completely bewildered, until he realizes that the voices seem to be coming from a bowl of nuts sitting on the bar counter.

At that moment the bartender has finished his phone call, and comes over to see what the guy wants to order. “What’s the deal with these nuts?” the guy asks. The bartender shrugs, saying, “They’re complimentary.”

“See that kid?” he says as he points to a twelve-year-old standing outside the barbershop. “He is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch. I’ll prove it to you.”

The barber takes out a one-dollar bill and a five-dollar bill, and then calls the boy inside. He holds out both bills, and asks, “Which one do you want, son?”

The kid takes the one-dollar bill and leaves the shop.

“See?” laughs the barber. “The dumbest kid in the world.”

A few minutes after the customer leaves the barbershop, he happens to see the boy coming out of an ice cream store. He goes over and asks, “If you don’t mind my asking, son, why didn’t you take the five-dollar bill?”

The boy takes a lick of his ice cream cone and replies, “Because the day I choose the five-dollar bill, the game’s over.”

A mechanic comes and after an inspection couldnt find anything wrong.

“You sure you put the right fuel?”

“Yup. Petrol”

Eventually, he asks her if shes using the right gears.

She says, “Of course, I’m not stupid. I’m using D during the day and N during the night”

‘No, I go for walks’ replied the assistant

Confused, he asks the bartender “why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?” The bartender says “I’m glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I’ll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks in the bar until we close”. The bartender looks back at the customer and asks “So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?” The customer quickly responds with a “No”. “Why not?” The bartender asks. The customer replies, “The stakes are too high”.

They are not a huge coffee drinker so they ask the barista “what’s your mildest roast?” The barista thinks about it for a moment and says “you have mediocre ears.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied:

“Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”

But he’s not buying it

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their clothing. She lies down, naked, and beckons him forward as she says “I wanna 69.” The guy replies “You want a Beef and Broccoli NOW?!?”

He pulls down his zipper and places his pecker on the counter.

Sales Lady stunned: Excuse me sir, This is a CLOCK shop.

Customer: Yes I know, could you please put two hands and a face on this please?

The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

What do you have with no fat and no sugar?

Waitress: Napkins..

The look on his face was priceless.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.” The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.” The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and a half.” The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, “Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.”

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, “So, where does he go when he leaves?” Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, “Your house!”

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”

–

“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot.

–

“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer.

–

“Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”

‘Your Macbooks aren’t breaking are they?’ mused the slightly concerned customer.

The worker listened to the noise for a moment before motioning offhandedly to the speaker section.

‘Don’t worry, it’s just a Dell.’

They were never going to give him Up.

Every time I use one of their restrooms, I see “Employees must wash hands” on the mirror. So I wait for HOURS, but not ONCE has an employee EVER showed up to wash them for me.

Salesman: “Car no do that. Car go road.”

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a store…I don’t want to mention the name of the store because I’m not sure how I’m going to proceed. Last night I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it failed So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the store told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me “NO.” I asked to talk to a manager now as I’m really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn’t work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was “OUT OF LUCK.”

No refund.

No FREE replacement.

I’ll tell you what…I am NEVER, EVER buying another Lottery Ticket from that store again!!!!

The waiter brings the coffee and sets it on the table.

The customer takes a sip, and promptly spits it out, spraying everywhere.

“This tastes like dirt!!!” He shouts at the waiter.

“Yes”, the waiter says. “It’s fresh ground”.

The eccentric customer always orders a tuna sandwich, but heavily modified, made with an extra cup of mayo, smothered in chili peppers, red peppers, onions, and pickles, then toasted until it’s burnt. It looks and smells disgusting and the worker dreads it when he sees that customer come in.

r>Finally he asks his boss if he can just not wait on that customer. His boss asks why.

The worker screams in frustration: “I hate the mods on that sub!”

Customer: Alright here you go $6.43, perfect change!

Cashier: CONGRATULATIONS! You’re the 50th person to pay in exact change, you know what you get now?

Customer: No, what?!?

Cashier: Nothing!

Then struggles to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:

“You were really drunk last night weren’t you?”

“Yeah, why? How do you know?”

“You left your wheelchair at the pub.”

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

“Nonsense, ma’am,” said the salesclerk trying to reassure her.

“That dress says it all.”

“That’s the problem,” the woman replied.

“I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”

Me: Car no do that. Car no fly

Manager: See me in my office

The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?”

The guy , clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”

The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”

The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Polish?”

The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, “Where is my change?”

The vendor replies, “Change comes from within.”

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.

Strange. It’s usually the other way around.

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put all the veggies she wants on it, I start to wrap up her sandwich when she says, “can I get some mayo?”

…

I look at her, she’s looking at me, I pick up the mayo, I’m waiting for her to be like haha jk.

Nothing.

Me: “You know mayonnaise has eggs in it right?”

THIS. GIRL. JUST. STOOD. THERE. SILENT.

She stood there for a second.

V: “N-no it doesn’t, I get mayo every time, are you sure?”

Me: “Yes ma’am, mayo has egg whites in it.”

I felt so horrible, she stood there with such a distraught and defeated face, I had shattered this poor girl’s world.

I had a couple people waiting so I had to get this lady out of here.

Me: “Would you like the mayo on it ma’am?”

V: “Sure, go ahead.”

She sounded so done, so defeated,

So I gave her her mayo, wrapped her sandwich up and charged her for her sandwich, she was silent the whole time. She took her sandwich and started walking out.

Me: “Thank you for coming, have a nice day!”

She just looked at me, sighed, “yea, I’ll try” and walked out.

And that’s the story of how I taught a vegan that mayonnaise is, in fact, not vegan.

Me: sorry, we only take cash

Manager: can I talk to you

-New York’s most hated cab driver

Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

“How do you know this, Sister?”

“My Mother Superior told me so.”

“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”

“Don’t be ridiculous- of course I have never taken alcohol myself”

“Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life.”

“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”

“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.”

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”

“Oh no! It’s not that Nun again is it?”

And condom companies kill their future customers.

Customer service.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no money.

Waiter: No sir, round.

It wasn’t the sound return on their investment they’d hoped for.

We are doing asbestos we can

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”

He explains to her why they are dam fish.

Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.

He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!”

I’m really struggling to break these habits, any advice?

Src: Dallas News , ca. 1929

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Grocer: $1

Customer: Would you sell it for .60 cents?

Grocer: You could only get the skin for that price.

Customer: Here’s .40 cents for the banana, keep the skin.

That’s a basil-less accusation!

I was informed I should have said “burial or cremation” instead.

Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.

Because he believed that “what’s good for the gooch is good for the dander!”

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.

A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day.

The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter.

Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong.

The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb.

“Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.”

“Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk.

“But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.”

“But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, it is my cake day, and reposting is the best way to get karma.”

I had no idea he was a barber.

Me: [staring at all the liquid ingredients] I don’t know how to tell you this

Carrot: Why do you ask?

Because baggers can’t be choosers.

Oops wrong sub

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.

They told me to hold.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”

I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

They said: “PLEASE HOLD.”

1) legalize all drugs.

2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

All of our natural disasters, plagues, and political upheavals are currently busy. If you are not experiencing a natural disaster, plague, or political upheaval, one will be assigned to you shortly. Please stay on the line, and thank you for choosing 2020.

Me: No it kills them.

And that is how I got my first complaint of the day.