Burglar Jokes

Turns out they couldn’t take a joke.

“Relax, I’m Canadian, the wife is upstairs, flat screen is downstairs.”

Last night, my wife woke me up, “Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!”

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone. Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and TV were gone.

“Take whatever you want but let her go ” pleads the man..

“Shut up ” said the burglar

“I can tell you the combination of the safe” cried the husband” you can take everything inside.just let her go”

“Really” asked the burglar

” I’ve a rare stamp book collection. Would fetch millions in black market. Take it but let her go ” he pleaded again.

” Wow, you really love your wife ” said the burglar.

” No, my wife has gone for shopping and might come home anytime. So please let her go”

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I’ve translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.

When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar,

“Please untie her, please, let her go!”

The thief responds with,

“No, I’m not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don’t worry, your neighbours will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration”

The man yet again pleads,

“Please, just untie her, I’ll do anything!”

The burglar once again explains his reasoning,

“I need to get away with this crime, I’m sorry, I can’t leave anything up to chance.”

The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims,

“I’m begging you man, just let her go, she won’t call the cops, I promise!”

The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.

“Wow,” he said “You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately”

“No,” The man replied, in a state of frenzy “My wife will be home in 15 minutes”

Everyone is home, all the time.

Tresspacito

The desk sergeant replied, “You would get your chance in court.”

The man replied, “No, no no. I just want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I have been trying to do that for years.”

I’ll help them look for money.

Intruder window

He said, “Working from home”

He goes to the teller, points a gun to her face and says “This is a robbery! If anybody moves or tries any funny business, they get shot!”

The teller then reaches over the counter and grabs the mask, revealing the face of the burglar.

The burglar says “you’ve seen my face!” and shoots her dead. He then says “has anyone else seen my face?!?”

A man with his head down yells out “I haven’t seen your face, but I think my wife, beside me here, may have gotten a glimpse”.

One turns to the other and asks, “Is this whiskey?”

The other replies, “Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank.”

He quickly calls the police and says:

“Please send a police car, there are two burglars in my garage!”

“I’m sorry sir. We don’t have any available units. Please lock your doors and remain inside.”

The man just says ‘Okay’ in a calm voice and hangs up. He waits one minute and then call the police again:

“Hello. I just called regarding two burglars in my garage 1 minute ago. Don’t worry about them anymore. I just killed them both.”

He hangs up and sit down in his couch. 5 minutes later there is an ambulance and 2 police cars in his driveway.

From his window he sees the police force enter the garage, and shortly after drag the two burglars out of there.

One of the police officers then knocks on his door, and as the old man opens, the police offer says:

“Excuse me sir, but didn’t you say that you had killed two burglars in your garage?!”

To which the old man responds in a grumpy voice:

“Yes. Yes I did. And didn’t you say that you didn’t have any available units!”

As he was looking for valuables he heard someone say “Jesus is watching you”.

Shocked, he turns on his flashlight and sees a parrot. He asks the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot says “Yes”. Amused, the burglar asks the parrot its name, to which the parrot replies “Moses”.

The burglar is surprised, and asks “What kind of people names their parrot Moses?”

The parrot looks at the pair of glowing eyes behind the robber and says, “The same kind of people who names their pitbull Jesus.”

P.s. Sorry for sucky English.

They both wait until you’re asleep, then come in the backdoor.

One breaks and enters, the other enters and breaks.

He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning “Jesus is watching you”. The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As the burglar continues his search he finds some electronics, but before he can stuff them in his bag he hears the voice again moaning “Jesus is watching you”. This time the burglar takes a good look around the room he’s in and realizes that there is a bird cage with a parrot in it. He walks up to the parrot and asks, “Did you say that?”. The parrot stares at him for a second and replies “yes”. The burglar realizes that the parrot is somewhat intelligent so he asks “What’s your name?”. The parrot squawks “Moses”.

“What kinda guy names his parrot Moses?”

“The same kinda guy who names his vicious rottweiler Jesus”

The voice says: “God the mighty sees all”.

Shocked the burglar turns around and searches for the cause of this noise. Using his flashlight he finally finds a parrot sitting in a cage grooming his feather.

The burglar is relieved and continues his search for valuables. He opens a nightstand when he hears the voice again, this time louder: “God the mighty sees all”.

The burglar figures if the parrot keeps on talking this might alarm the neighbors, so he approaches the cage and says: “Hey little guy, could you please be quiet?” “Craa yes” goes the parrot.

Again the burglar starts his search when he immediately hears the voice again: “God the mighty sees all!”

He turns to the parrot and says:” Look little fella I think we got off on the wrong foot. My Name is Mike and I am a friend. What is your name?”

“Pope Pius the 12th” says the parrot.

“That’s a strange name for a parrot” the burglar replies.

“Well” says the parrot “God the almighty is a strange name for an American Pit Bull Terrier”

”Some young man is trying to get into my room through the window,” screamed old Mrs. Kleinman into the telephone.

”Sorry, lady,” came back the answer, ”you’ve got the fire department. What you want is the police department.”

”No, no,” she pleaded, ”I want the fire department. What he needs is a longer ladder!”

He starts grabbing all the expensive electronics and sending them out the window.

As he’s carrying away the stereo system he hears a soft voice call out, “Jesus is watching you…”

Looking around he can’t see anyone, so he decides to ignore it.

Later, while carrying the tv, he hears the voice again, “Jesus is watching you…”

Looking around he sees a parrot was the source of the voice. “Hello,” said the parrot. “I’m Moses.”

The burglar looked confused for a moment, “what kind of people would name their parrot Moses?” he asked.

“The same kind of people who would name their 150lbs rottweiler Jesus”

1) Your cat is missing.

2) Someone did all your math homework while you were away.

3) They are still trying to back out of your driveway when you get home.

While going through the owner’s belongings a shrill voices goes:

“Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!”

Slightly irritated, the burglar switches on the light and sees a parrot in the corner, repeating its line:

“Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!”

Burglar: “Hahaha! Look at you, what’s your name?”

Parrot: “Jared Leto”

Burglar: “That’s an odd name for a parrot. Who would name their parrot ‘Jared-Leto’?

Parrot: “The same person who would name his rottweiler ‘Heavenly Father’!

*First Cake day joke!

Turns out he was Working from Home.

Santa is way more efficient!

Once a wealthy old religious woman caught a burglar ransacking her things. She had lived her whole life as a celibate, almost like a nun.

”Listen lady, keep quiet if you don’t want to be hurt. Just tell me where your jewels are.”

She said, ”I don’t keep them here. They are in the bank in the safe-deposit vault.”

”Where is all your silver then?” ”I am sorry, but it is all out, being cleaned and polished.”

”Give me your money then.” ”I tell you,” she said, ”I don’t keep any cash on hand.”

”Listen lady, I am warning you ­ give me your money or I will rip it off you.” And he started feeling her up and down.

”I keep telling you,” she said, ”I don’t have any money. But if you do that again I will write you a cheque.”

Luckily the police managed to apprehend him and charged him with an ‘ate crime’.

At least the burglar has the decency to leave you the house.

They go into a dark alley and hide in three sacks. The police look around and one of them kicks the first sack and the burglar goes “meow”, “just cats” he thinks. He then kicks the second one and the the second burglar goes ” meow” so the police pass it off as more cats. He then kicks the last sack and the burglar says “potatoes”.

“Why does my fridge have to sound like a burglar breaking in?” I complained at midnight.

“What kind of fridge do you *have?*” the burglar asked.

He was searching for money. So I woke up and searched with him.

As he is looking around he hears a voice “Jesus is watching you!” Panicked he looks around but sees nothing and nobody. He keeps searching for loot when again “Jesus is watching you!” This time he does a better search and finally sees a parrot in a cage. “Did you say that?” he asks “Yes, it was me.” confirms the parrot. “What’s your name?” we inquires. “Moses” answers the parrot. Burglar can’t help but to laugh. “What kind of people name their parrot Moses?” “Same type of people that name their guard pit bull Jesus.”

He was stealing anything he could get his hands on, then he heard a voice. It said, “Jesus is watching you” thinking it’s in his head, he continues on his business, Then he hears it again, “Jesus is watching you” The burglar not very religious but still scared says, “Who are you?” Then he flipped on the light not caring if he was caught by the house-owners. All he sees is a parrot in the corner, the parrot then says “Jesus is watching you”. The burglar asks if the parrot has a name, the parrot replies “Satan”. The burglar laughs, “Who names his parrot Satan?” The parrot replies, “Same person who would name his Rottweiler Jesus.

What does a Russian burglar wear? ( In a Russian accent ) robber boots

Because they tend to take things literally.

He takes things personally

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’”

“The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus.’

A man called the police to report a burglar in his back yard shed. The dispatcher responded “we don’t have anyone available right now but when some one is free, we’ll send them your way” and then they hung up.

The man waited 5 minutes and called back. “Hi. I called earlier about the burglar in my back yard shed. Well…you don’t need to send anyone; I shot the guy.”

Within 5 minutes 6 police cars arrived with a helicopter overhead to find the man sitting on his back porch – unarmed. A quick sweep of the property turned up the burglar who was hiding near the shed; he was promptly arrested.

The sergeant walked over to the home owner and said “Sir, I thought you said you shot him?” to which the man replied…

“I thought you all didn’t have anyone available”

A burglar breaks into a house that is completely dark. He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.

While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice.

“Jesus is watching.”

r>This startles the burglar, who quickly glances around with the flashlight but doesn’t see or hear anything else. The burglar shrugs it off and continues.

“Jesus is watching.” The voice states again, in a more warning tone.

The burglar shines his light in the direction of the voice and sees a parrot.

“Did you say that?” He asks.

“Yes.” The parrot replies.

“What is your name?” Asks the burglar.

“Moses.” Replies the parrot.

The burglar chuckles. “Who the hell names their parrot Moses?”

“The same guy that named his rottweiler Jesus.”

Whoever you are please bring back my hand lotion and the box of napkins.

When he suddenly hears a voice saying “Jesus is watching you” He looks around but doesn’t see anyone and ultimately decides to keep going.

But then he hears the voice again say “Jesus is watching you” at this point the burglar is really looking around and he notices a parrot. He asked the parrot “Did you say that?” And the parrot said “Yes, my name is Lawrence”

The burglar says “What stupid person calls their parrot Lawrence??”

The Parrot says “The same one who called their rottweiler Jesus.”

He’s going through all of the family’s belongings when he hears a voice say “Jesus is watching you.”

He looks around and sees no one and think he’s imagining things he goes back to what he’s doing and again hears a voice say “Jesus is watching you.”

He shined his flashlight on a cage across the room with a parrot inside. Are you the one saying ‘Jesus is watching me’?he asks the parrot.

“Yes.” the parrot replies.

“What’s your name?” the burglar asks.

“My name is Clarence.”

“Clarence?” the burglar laughs. “That’s a dumb name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot answers, “The same idiot who named his pit bull Jesus.”

Armless burglars can’t get away with as much.

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops

“Police! There’s a burglar in my closet, come quickly!”

A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can

“Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!”

A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

He pries the window open, gets out his duffel bag to start looting, and he suddenly hears:

“Jesus is watching.”

The burglar stops in his tracks and turns quickly thinking someone was home and he was found. But he saw nothing, and just assumed it was his imagination. So he keeps walking:

“Jesus is watching you…”

He hears it again and turns around quicker, still seeing nothing, now he is sure it isn’t his imagination. So he walks towards where he heard the voice. He sees a parrot, and the parrot says:

“Jesus is watching you…”

The burglar laughs and sighs with relief, and asks the parrot:

“What’s your name?”

“Moses”

“What kind of family names their parrot Moses?”

…

“The kind of family that names their Rottweiler Jesus”

The bakery thief really takes the cake

He heard a soft voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”

Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.

Again, “Jesus is watching you.”

He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.

The parrot said, “Yes.”

He asked the parrot his name.

The parrot said, “Moses.”

The burglar asked, “What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?”

The parrot replied, “The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus.”

A burglar breaks into a house when he hears “Jesus knows you are here.” He shuts his flashlight off and looks around. When he finds nothing he proceeds to unhook the TV when he hears “Jesus can see you” He looks around the room with his flashlight to find a parrot in its cage.

Burglar: So that was all you? Parrot: Yep

Burglar: So whats your name? Parrot: Moses

Burglar: Who in the hell names their parrot Moses? Moses: The same kind of people who name their Rottweiler Jesus.

He takes a few silent steps into the room when he hears “Jesus is watching you.”

The burglar freezes and listens intently. Silence. He cautiously takes another step.

“Jesus is watching you.”

Again the burglar freezes in panic. He nervously glances around the room. There is a tall dark shadow near the desk.

“Jesus is watching you.”

The voice comes from the shadow. The burglar slides quickly towards the voice. The tall shadow turns out to be a cage covered in heavy brocade cloth. The burglar lifts the cloth and comes face to face with an elegant maccaw.

“Jesus is watching you” it cries.

“Ha ha, you’re just a parrot!” the burglar laughs. “Yes!” squawks the parrot “but Jesus is a rottweiler.”

A man sees someone breaking into his shed. He calls police. They say they don’t have anyone available right now. They’ll be there as soon as they can, but it may be two hours. The man hangs up.

A few minutes later he calls again and tells them to take their time. He’s pulled out his rifle and shot the man. He’s not going anywhere. Within minutes the place is swarming with police, helicopters, cars, dogs, etc. They find the man breaking into the shed and arrest him.

The police go to the man, “I thought you said you shot him!” The man responds “I thought you said you had no one available”

… and as he was feeling his way through a darkened room, he heard a voice. “Jesus is watching you!”

The burglar was startled and stood still for a few moments. Then he decided to continue his search for valuables. Once again, he heard the voice, a little louder, “Jesus is still watching you!”

“What’s going on?” he thought. He waited a little longer before continuing his search. Again, he heard “Jesus is watching you!”

The burglar couldn’t stand it any longer. He switched on his flashlight, and there, sitting on the perch, was a parrot.

“Was that you talking?” Asked the burglar.

“Yes,” said the parrot.

“Well, you talk pretty well,” said the burglar.

“I’ve been talking for fifty years,” said the parrot.

“You gave me a fright when I came in,” said the burglar. “What’s your name?”

“Alfred,” replied the parrot.

“That’s a pretty weird name for a parrot,” said the burglar.

“Yeah, but not as weird as ‘Jesus’ for a rottweiler.”

The police are trying to catch him, but he’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve!

There was once a burglar that had been staking out a house for weeks. He finally decided to break in when we saw the tenants leaving for dinner date.

He then snuck in through a back door that he knew where the extra key was hidden. As he snuck through the house spotting his flashlight on what he should take, a voice called out to him and said “Jesus is watching you”.

Whipping around and pointing his flashlight around the room to see who it was that called out, he saw no one and decided it was the adrenaline and went back to seeking out his first object to steal.

Again, and this time louder. A voice calls out to the burglar and says, JESUS is WATCHING YOU!

Whipping around now and pointing in the corner of the room where it seemed the voice came from the burglar sees a parrot cage with a scarlet macaw perched on its top.

Pointing at the parrot the burglar said, “Did you say that” and the parrot replied “Yes” then the burglar asked “Is your name Jesus?” the parrot flapped its wings and squawked “Raawwwk, no my name is Moses!”

Shaking his head he chuckles while grinning at the parrot. “What kind of morons, name their parrot Moses!?!?” The parrot know no better then to simply replay squawks back “Rawwwk, the same people who name a Rottweiler Jesus! Rawwwk.

First: Put pictures of a tiger all around your house.

Second: Put a cat litter tray in your hallway and take a dump in it.

“Jesus is watching you” he dismisses it as paranoia and carries on with his crime. He hears the voice again “Jesus is watching you”. He’s knows this time it’s not in his head so he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner. He walks over to the parrot and it repeats one more time “Jesus is watching you”. The burglar says to the parrot. “Is your name Jesus?” “No it’s Moses” the parrot replied. The burglar laughs and says “Who names a parrot Moses?” and the parrot says “The same person who named the Rottweiler Jesus”

The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

I didn’t fight back, I just put the red laser dot on his forehead and the 3 cats did the rest.

(Copied from a comment I saw to funny not to share since this whole sub is reposts)

I guess you could say he’s taking things for granite.

Police have nothing to go on.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.”

The voice was saying “Jesus and I are watching you”. The burglar turns around and sees a parrot.

“Stupid bird, it was you that scared the hell out of me”

“Yes, it was me, Aristotle”

The burglar laughs and says “That’s a stupid name for a parrot”

The parrot replied “Well, Jesus is a stupid name for a doberman”

Now my burglar has no excuse to oversleep.

He didn’t want to get caught Red handed!

If you see this man staring in your windows,

warn the people next door.

He was Robin.

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

I should be upset, but I’m delighted

He is merrily rummaging around, looking for stuff to steal, when out of nowhere, he hears a voice:

“Jesus is watching you.”

He is startled for a moment but eventually shrugs it off. Just as he is about to put a golden necklace in his backpack, he hears the voice again:

“Jesus is watching you.”

He almost freaks out this time, but just when he’s about to put the necklace back, he spots a parrot on the kitchen table.

“Oh, so *you* are the one scaring me, huh?”, he says. “What’s your name? Polly? Buddy?”

“I’m Moses”, the bird replies.

The burglar bursts out laughing, and the parrot looks slightly offended.

“You find *that* funny? These folks call the rottweiler Jesus!”

Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!

I did it for the Monet

A cat burglar will steal all your stuff but a cat fish will steal all your dignity.

Everyone was home last year.

They are used to work from home.

I wanted to go out and confront him but I didn’t want him to take a fence

An investigating officer asked me where I was between 5 and 6.

He didn’t seem pleased when I answered:

“Kindergarten.”

I woke up, switched on the lights and helped him look.

Despite our best efforts, we didn’t find any money at all.

Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring crime, and then be caught only a couple blocks away, he replied,

“I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

A burglar snatches watches. – Redd Foxx

…let my cat do the rest.

Klepto-bismol

He decided it wasn’t worth the wisk.

Returning home from work, Jamie was shocked to find that the house had been ransacked and burglarized.

After telephoning the police, the dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Jamie ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Incredulous, Jamie moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?”

“They send me a BLIND policeman!”

He got caught, and now he has to face the music.

Hidden Alley Ranch.

His cousin with the DVD

Too many friggin’ scratches.

They can’t get past the laser defenses

The details are sketchy.

Please respond quickly!

Lucy….in disguise with diamonds.