Brake Jokes

I don’t know son, we’re on the Trump train

Other people’s good brakes

You won’t be able to stop

The passenger replied: “Are you talking about a woman, money…?

The driver said: ” I’m talking about the brakes…”

The mechanical engineer said, “It must be the brakes. Let me check ’em out.” The electrical engineer said, “I think it was something in the electrical system. Let me check it out.” The software engineer said, “Let’s push it back up the hill and run it again.”

Student: “My wife”

DT: “For the 3rd time, you’ll hit the brakes!”

And I got a crash course on Newton’s first law

But I know that it would just slow me down.

The mechanic said “It won’t become a problem, boss, I swear I can stop whenever I want!”

The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said, “We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed.”

The engineer said, “I think I’ve got a few spanners in the back. I’ll take a look and see if I can work out what’s wrong.”

The programmer said, “Why don’t we get going again and see if it’s reproducible?”

He said it only slowed him down.

claims he can stop any time he wants.

Bonus

I was gonna tell a time travelling joke but you guys didn’t like it.

When I warned him of the dangers, He said ” No worries, I can stop anytime.”

A man was driving along the road when suddenly a Ferrari whizzed past him and the driver inside yelled “ever driven a Ferrari mate?”

This angered the man, and accelerated to catch up to the Ferrari and give the driver a piece of his mind.

However as he was about to reach the Ferrari, it accelerated and the man just managed to catch the driver yell “ever driven a Ferrari mate?” before the Ferrari left him in the dust.

Recognising that he was not able to match the Ferrari’s speed, the man calmed down and resumed driving at normal speed.

A few miles ahead however, the man noticed the Ferrari upturned in a ditch. Curious at what might have happened, man stopped his car and went to check out the crash scene.

Inside the upturned Ferrari, a weak and shaky voice came out: “Ever driven a Ferrari mate? Know where the brake is?”

Wasted potential

but could just not catch a brake!

Because their always on neutral.

But when I think about it, she never did like brakedancing.

Because people have hard time stoping by

The were on the edge of their seats.

I’m addicted to riding it though. I just can’t stop.

My car can now stop on a dime

It was tired of being depressed.

They all start screaming as the car goes faster and faster, and they start barreling around the curves. Somehow they make it to the bottom, safe and sound. They all pile out of the car as quickly as they can.

The lawyer angrily says “We should sue the manufacturer!”

The priest falls to his knees and starts praying, “Praise be to God that we made it down alive!”

The programmer looks at the car, then at the mountain, thinks for a moment and says “Let’s go back up and try to reproduce the defect!”

Because it’s really inconvenient to have a p-brake while you’re driving.

Sweat pouring off their brows, they bring the 737 down quickly. As soon as the wheels touch they throw the engines into reverse, stand on the brakes as hard as they can and cry “Stop! Please stop!” The plane stops an inch from the end of the runway. The pilot says “That was the shortest runway I ever saw! And the copilot says “Yeah, but look how WIDE it is!”

A mechanic was working under a car when some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. At first he spit it out, but he found that the aftertaste was not tha bad. He continued working under the car when some more brake fluid found its way into his mouth. This time he swallowed. He really liked the taste of brake fluid! Soon enough, his coworkers found him drinking brake fluid from a cup in the shop. “I don’t think that’s safe” a concerned coworker pleaded. “You should not be drinking anymore brake fluid, dude” another said. “Don’t worry” the mechanic assured them, “I can stop anytime!”.

I can stop whenever I want

But to be honest, I’ve back pedalled since then

He looked at me and said – It’s ok. I can stop anytime

…just can’t stop.

Those will just slow you down

I always tell them, “don’t worry, I can stop whenever I want.”

I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.

Credit to Steven Wright.

’cause nothing brakes like a heart.

Woman: You have something that’s poking me.

Man: Oh sorry, that’s my salary money in the pocket of my pants.

Woman: Your salary has increased a lot in the last five minutes.

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn’t see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized.

I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I’d turn left. He’d swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him.

“Why are you following me, kid?” the plow driver asked.

“Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it.”

“Well,” said the plow driver. “I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??”

It takes a screenshot

I guess the good thing is at least he can stop whenever he wants

Soon afterwards a porsche pulls up behind the Lada, “do you want a tow?” The porsche driver offers.

“Yes please” exclaims the Lada driver “I will put on my indicators if I think you are going too fast”

The porsche driver agrees and sets off towing the Lada,

After about half an hour a Lamborghini comes alongside the porsche and challenges the driver to a race,

Forgetting about the Lada the porsche driver accepts the challenge and the two of them fly down the autobahn at top speed,

About 5km later a man siting by himself outside of a roadside pub sees the three cars flying by

He rushes back into the pub and exlaims to his friends “You will NEVER guess what I just saw”

“What?” Ask the mans friends eager to find out what he saw,

“I just saw a Porsche and a Lamborghini racing down the autobahn and a Lada indicating to overtake”.

Credit: German fellow who came through work today

The teachers aren’t too worried about it. The students can stop anytime.

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy

when she is pulled over by a cop.

Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you

a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.

That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein

loops across the horse’s back and around one of his balls. I consider

that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take

care of that right away!

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter

with the cop.

Well, dear, what exactly did he say?

He said the reflector is broken.

I can fix that in two minutes. What else?

I’m not sure, Jacob … something about the emergency brake.

(Turkish Joke, couldn’t find it on Reddit, hopefully the translation does justice)

So I met a guy in jail whose nickname was “Atheist”. I finally asked him why everyone called him this way; so he started telling his story:

“Well, I was a bus driver in our village. One day while driving on the mountain road our brakes failed. I turned the steering wheel to left and right many times to slow down the bus. We finally stopped at the edge of the cliff with handbrake. I looked around and all passengers were praying “God saved us”. I told them, “I saved you, this is not about God.” We started arguing…

So I took the brake off, said “May God save you” and jumped off the bus.”

And then it just went downhill from there.

A man walks into a gas station on his way home to his girlfriend. He grabs a soda, and a box of cheap condoms.

The lady at the counter says “that’ll be 7.99 plus tax”

“Tacks? The damn things don’t even hold themselves on?”

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: “Do you mind if I ask you a favor?”

“A favor for the Pope??” exclaims the driver, “of course – anything!”

“You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I’d really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?”

>The thought of the Pope getting behind the wheel scared the driver – what if he got into an accident?

On the other hand, the driver felt that he couldn’t say no to the Pope himself, so he reluctantly obliged and let his Holiness get behind the wheel.

To his utter dismay, the Pope turns the key, lights up the limousine’s rear tires and speeds up like a maniac!

After driving in excess of 100 mph in a 45 mph zone, a police car drives up alongside them and orders them to stop immediately. The Pope slams on the brakes and comes to a dead stop, as does the pursuing police officer.

The police officer emerges from his vehicle, briefly peers through the limousine’s window, then hurriedly steps back in.

His sergeant got this call:

Cop: “Sir, I have a problem.”

Sergeant: “What kind of problem?”

Cop: “Well, I pulled over this driver for speeding, but he’s someone really important.”

Sergeant: “Important like… the mayor?”

Cop: “No, no – a lot more important than that.”

Sergeant: “Important like… the governor?”

Cop: “Way more important than that, Sarge.”

Sergeant: “Important like… the President?”

Cop: “Even more important than him.”

Sergeant: “Who’s more important than the President?”

Cop: “I don’t know sarge, but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”

We’re both warped and barely functioning.

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!

Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.

Chemist: I’m listening.

Mafia Boss: But make sure..it looks like an oxidant.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they’d be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not…the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them “Boys, I’m sorry to tell you this but I’m not confident you could handle a fire at my plant. I’m going to contract with the nearby big-city fire department”.

A few months later the unthinkable happens and the plant catches fire. The owner calls the big-city fire department, and when they show up the fire chief decides that it’s just too dangerous to approach the plant. He decides to set up a roadblock to prevent anyone from going near it, and they begin to wait it out. Just then the local boys come barreling down the road, fire bell clanging and siren blaring . The driver is waving his arms to get the big-city firemen to move out of the way, and crashes right through the barricades. They smash through an overhead door into the plant, set up a few hoses and start fighting the fire. The guys without hoses grab shovels and start flinging dirt onto the fire.

The big-city fire chief sees this and shouts “C’mon boys, let’s get in there and help ’em out!” After a few hours their efforts pay off, and they manage to save a large portion of the plant. The owner is happy as he can be, and tells the local fire chief “That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! Thank you! I’m going to write you a check and donate $10,000 to your fire department! Do you have any idea how you’re going to spend it?” The local chief thinks for a moment and says:

“Well, I don’t know what we’re going to do with the rest, but first thing tomorrow morning that fire engine is getting new brakes!”

It was a search and seizure.

Just like there are brake lights for the brake pedal, there are also gaslights for the gas pedal. No, I didn’t make that up, everyone has them. I swear. Have you ever read the owners manual? Everyone knows about them, I’m surprised that you don’t. How do not know about the gaslighting?