Bomb Jokes

Are you a bomb? Cause I’d like to get away from you!

But it never blew up

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

You only defuse a bomb once

A compliment in America, an argument in the middle east.

EDIT: I didn’t expect this to blow up!

So, the teacher asked a new clear question.

P u

They rest in pieces

…because they never deliver.

*ba dum pish*

As opposed to dead baby jokes, which never get old.

It’s mine.

on his way to catch a flight to Washington DC. When they opened up his bag they found a bomb in it. Subsequently he was handcuffed and taken to the station for questioning. When asked about it he said, “I always carry a bomb with me for every fight!” The investigator questioned this, saying “Why would you do such a thing?” To which the statistician replied, “because the odds of two people having bombs on the same flight are astronomical!”

Everything is blown out of proportion.

Everywhere

Guy 1 – What if the bomb goes off while we’re still under the car.

Guy 2 – Don’t worry, I’ve got a second one in my backpack.

It was a real blast from the past.

Edit: wow this blew up

The bartender grimaces, “Excuse me?”

The man smiles, “It’s a drink, you don’t have those? Irish car bombs?”

The bartender lights up and replies, “Oh I have something similar, one moment!”

He then takes two tall shot glasses side by side, fills them with vodka, and lights them aflame. “Special, just for you.”

The American frowns, “What the hell is this?”

“I call it a 9/11.”

*This is a joke my pal from Kerry told me, all credit to him.*

A baboom

Linoleum Blownapart.

it Tsar bomb

“Pay attention because I am only going to do this once”

Nuke, I am your father.

Found this on Raymond Smullyan’s book “To Mock a Mockingbird”. Hope you might like it.

There is the story of

a statistician who told a friend that he never took airplanes: “I

have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on

the plane,” he explained, “and although this probability is low,

it is still too high for my comfort. ” Two weeks later, the friend

met the statistician on a plane. “How come you changed your

theory?” he asked. “Oh, I didn’t change my theory; it’s just

that I subsequently computed the probability that there would

simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is

low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own

bomb. ”

A mine!

What is the most selfish bomb found on land?

>!A landmine!!< What is the most selfish one for water? >!Nestle!!<

Not finding it.

Karmageddon.

It’s too bad really…..

I had a blast working there!

“All right lads pay attention cos I’m only gonna show you this once”

Help i need answers really qui

The odds of getting on a plane with two bombs on it are closer to 700,000,000 to one So, to be safe, I always bring my own bomb.

S. W.

Buy a galaxy note 7

It becomes a flee market.

Gonna call it Effenheimer.

A Citroën C4.

There is de brie everywhere!

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Note7

It is one job where….

Either i’m right.

Or suddenly its not my problem anymore.

“The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low”, he reason, “and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero.

Then never again

“BOOM”

I hope that blew your minds

They blue it up.

Drastic times call for drastic measures

They’ll be called waswas

He knew the chances of a bomb being on a flight he was one in a million, so he figured that the chances of two bombs being on board was one in a million million.

Because he wanted the world to lighten up.

Stan Welbeck.

Imagine a school where suicide bombing Is being taught, the teachers would say to the students.

.

Please, pay attention, I’m only going to do this once!

An ambulance, you racist!

A toaster

The bartender began berating me about how much of an uncultured American I am, how I shouldn’t even be allowed to drink with the Irish, and really ripping into me because I got the name wrong. Apparently in Ireland the drink is called a 9/11.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

Because they stole all of their washing machines.

One family was killed

It’s called the “0K Boomer”

There is a lot of confusion and when security finally manages to get to the presidents, both of them are in a horrible shape and need to be put in an artificial coma.

After 10 years, they both wake up in the hospital and are visibly confused. No doctor or nurse was around, so they decide to put on some clothes and leave the hospital. Once stepped outside, they first want to find out how long they were in a coma and what has happened with the war. Going to the first newspaper stand, they each buy a daily.

Suddenly, Putin begins to chuckle and Zelensky asks him what is going on. Putin, still in laughter, points to the first article, and says:

“Here, it says there are two million more unemployed people in Ukraine this months.”

Zelensky grumbles but start reading his newspaper – until suddenly he bursts out in laughter. Putin, confused, asks him what’s so funny. So Zelensky shows him the Newspaper and adds:

“Take a look, it says there are new conflicts along the Ukraine-China border.”

They quack under pressure.

Reporters say: all dead, no survivors

They’re all colourblind and always cut the wrong wire

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill –

“One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!”

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.

There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and they then hear the same voice –

“One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred of yours!”

Annoyed, the Soviet general sends hundred men to capture the hill. There is gunfire and bombs going for ten minutes, and everything goes silent again. Suddenly, the same voice yells out –

“One Finnish soldier is better than thousand of Soviet soldiers!”

Enraged, the general sends a thousand men, accompanied with tanks, artillery, mortar teams, and tells them to not return until the hill is theirs.

For half an hour hell breaks loose, bombs and explosions, gunfire, screams and death all around, and then it goes silent again.

One Soviet soldier crawls back, severely wounded and battered.

Before the general could say anything, the soldier says –

“Do not send more troops, comrade general, it’s a trap! There is two of them.”

For the Ruble (this is my first, please don’t kick me)

…because its not a Target.

Apparently there were over 100 casual tees.

How should I know I just fly the drone

You sound like a Canadian Bomb Technician.

Everywhere.

All the udders died.

…I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

“Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur’an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence.”

OK, there – I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

As they regain their senses, they find themselves in front of the gates of Heaven. Shortly after that Saint Peter approaches them and says: „Welcome to the gates of Heaven. While I guess we all know where you two belong to respectively, I‘m sorry to inform you we have some formalities to go through before my decision. You see, whenever two sworn enemies like you die simultaneously, they have to make peace before we can proceed. So go ahead and talk, I‘ll be back soon.“ And with that, Saint Peter leaves the former presidents alone.

For hours they just stare at each other with blank hatred in their eyes, incapable of saying anything. Finally, Zelensky realizes that every hostility should end in death. As he offers his hand, he says: „I am truly sorry. I‘ve ordered the execution of so many Russians.“

„Don‘t worry“, Putin laughs, „So did I.“

There were no survivors

Because he doesn’t have pockets.

The studio blames their poor numbers off the series glorifying piracy.

i once lost my watch at a party. after an hour of searching, i saw a guy harassing a woman while stepping on my watch. i immediately went to him, kicked him, and saved the woman. no one ever harasses a female, not on my watch

edit- damn this blew up like a time bomb