Arrow Jokes

A lover’s quarrel

Aww heel no!

Kill me right now.

A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

“Who is this incredibly fine archer?” cried the duke. “I must find him!”

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

“You didn’t just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?” asked the duke worriedly.

“No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.”

“That is truly astonishing,” said the duke. “I hereby admit you into my service.” The boy thanked him profusely.

“But I must ask one favor in return,” the duke continued. “You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.”

“Well,” said the boy, “first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it.”

Three statisticians go deer hunting with bows. They see a giant buck in the woods. Statistician #1 fires his arrow–it goes 10 yards to the left. Statistician #2 fires his arrow–it goes 10 yards to the right. Statistician #3 throws down his bow and yells, “We got it!”

I told him not to knock it until he nocks it.

then it hit me.

A Chinese man imitating a phone ringing and answering the call.

“Wing, wing, arrow?”

A Chinese telephone.

(I’m Chinese and I give this joke the Chinese stamp of approval)

They’re all aquiver in the presence of a beau.

It quivers

The pilot yells to these passengers, “We’re carrying too much weight, drop whatever you got!”

The policeman drops his pistol, the archer drops his bow and arrow, and the soldier drops a grenade out of the hatch door.

The plane still crashes, and all three passengers wake up in different locations. In search for help, they each start making their way through the woods they are now lost in.

The policeman stumbles upon a little girl crying over the body of an adult man. He asks the girl, “What happened here!?” to which the little girl replies “I was walking with my daddy and a gun fell out of the sky and hit his head!”

The archer comes across someone crying over a body as well, a young boy. The archer says “Oh my gosh, what happened!?” The boy tells the archer “We were playing hide-and-seek and I found him with an arrow in his head!”

The soldier pushes through the brush, and finds a young boy laughing hysterically, standing in front of a cabin with a giant hole in the wall.

The soldier asks the little boy “Whoah, what did I miss?”

The little boy says between laughing fits “You wouldn’t believe the fart I just ripped”

Yeah, I don’t wanna Tell you.

See if it quivers.

A Chinese telephone!

After wandering around for a couple hours they decide to weigh their options, one says, “I heard if you shoot in the air someone will hear and come to your rescue”, so they fire a few times in the air and wait, nothing happens so they try again a couple more times, after a few hours of this they’re starting to get worried and one says, “I hope we get help soon”, to which the other responds, “I know right, I am almost out of arrows”

A phone call to China

She missed

The first one says, “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow.”

The second boy says, “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!”

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, “You two know nothing about speed. My father works in the Govt department. He stops working at 5:00 and he is home by 3:45!!”

They are pointless.

Being an Apple Fan, i think it’s the arrow. I don’t support Flash.

Jack Arrow was a captain of a pirate ship. He was always chased by danger. As one day, a crew member came up to captain jack and said ” We got an enemy ship approaching us from behind, sir!!!” Captain Jack, with all confidence, replied “Bring me my red shirt!”. As the enemy ship boarded Captain Jack’s ship, a battle initiated, and it went successfully for Captain Jack’s side as not a single crew member of his lost their live. After the battle, the crew member approached Captain Jack, “Sir, why did you ask me to bring your shirt? and why specifically ‘red’?” the crew member asked. Captain Jack, with a smile on his face, replied “So that in case I get wounded in battle, my crew would continue to fight!”. The very next morning, the same crew member came up to Captain Jack with terror on his face “Sir! we have TEN enemy ships approaching us from behind, sir!!!”. Captain Jack, stared dead serious at his face, then screamed “BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS!”

They all run to the door. The first guy fires 3 arrows, the second 3 bullets, and the third 3 missiles. Then they jump and parachute down into the jungle below.

Upon landing, they decide to walk their way out. They come to a clearing, where a little girl sits on a rock, crying. The first guy asks her what’s wrong.

“3 arrows came from the sky and killed my daddy.”

First guy realizes it’s his fault and decides to stay with the girl till help arrives. The other two push on.

They soon come to another clearing, where a little girl sits on a rock, crying. The second guy asks what’s wrong.

“3 bullets came from the sky and killed my mommy.”

Second guy realizes it’s his fault and decides to stay till help arrives. Third guy pushes on alone.

He soon comes to another clearing, where a little boy is running around with a dog, laughing his head off. He asks what’s so funny.

“The dog farted and the house blew up!”

Because they’re experts in arrow dynamics

The economist assumes no wind, and misses five feet to the left. He hands over the bow to the chaos theorist, who overestimates the effect of the wind, and misses five feet to the right. The statistician pumps his fist in the air and exclaims: “We got him!”.

The first man fired his pistol 20 meters away, hits the apple.

“I’m James Bond.” He said.

The second man shot an arrow 30 meters away, hits the apple.

“I’m Robin Hood.” He said.

The third threw a boomerang 40 meters away, hits the forehead of that person.

“I’m sorry.” He said.

None. They can’t make a point.

Fruit flies like a banana.

The ceremony was at a beautiful church in the countryside, the officiant gave an insightful speech on the meaning of marriage, and the bride and groom were beaming throughout the whole thing. John couldn’t have been happier for his friend.

After exchanging vows, the bride and groom announced that they needed some time before joining the rest of the party at the reception. John didn’t really know anyone else attending, so he went on a walk around the grounds by himself. He was enjoying the countryside and the evening summer breeze, when he came across an odd scene behind the church:

The bride and groom had set up an impromptu archery range, and the bride was standing there, bow and arrow in hand, shooting arrow after arrow at the target set up down range. However, every arrow went wildly off course. To complete the scene, after every shot, the groom was standing next to his bride with a spray bottle, spraying her with water each time.

Thoroughly shaken, John went back in the church, looking for someone to confide in. He went up to the officiant who was still packing up from the ceremony. John said “did you know that the groom is out back spraying the bride with water while she’s horrible at archery?” The officiant just stared blankly at John, so he repeated himself. The officiant suddenly seemed to realize.

The officiant said “ah, sorry, I didn’t know what you were talking about. You see, I pronounce them Mister and Misses”

One’s a Cupid Stunt…

But his friend who got an arrow in the knee was not as lucky.

Col. Arrow Gant: Ha, at this range they couldn’t hit an ele….

Start Trek Unnamed Ensign: Hey Wesley, look at this cute little…

Me: Honey, what do you think of this vegetable slicer for your Mother’s Day gift…

…but fruit flies like a banana.

Probably, a lot of you already know this one. But I posted it from a — *ahem* — ‘philosophical’ consideration (not a really good idea for a joke subreddit).

But I think about this joke from time to time. Not only is it a complex double pun — flies, like — but both words change parts of speech, the first flips from verb to noun, the second from adverb to verb. It’s just really weird.

And interesting.

He can turn left whenever he wants.

Legolas has been an arrow ace the whole time.

Because it was a cursor.

I get no respect.

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

*Tell me what happened son*

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must’ve carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

*So you got a little too excited and cursed?*

No, that’s not all of it. Right after the ball stopped, a squirrel ran out, grabbed my ball and bolted back for the trees.

*Ah, I see. So you got angry at the squirrel*

No, there’s more. Before the squirrel could get to the trees, a huge hawk swooped down, picked up the squirrel and flew off with it.

*Ok, that has to be it right? You got angry at the hawk?*

Nope… right as the hawk got over the green, the squirrel shook itself loose. When it hit the ground, it dropped the ball which rolled across the green and stopped 10 inches from the cup.

*You missed the god damn putt didn’t you?*

Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, “My dad’s way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher’s mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate! ”

One of the other boys said, “Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye! ”

The last boy said, “Your dads don’t even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30! ”

Now I Muslimp.

A welder sees an ad for help and a metals shop. $18-$25 per hour. He goes in and asks about the job. They give him some metal to weld and tells him to bring it back when he’s done. The welder brings back two welds. The first one is beautiful. Pristine beads, straight as an arrow. The shop owner complements him on such fine work. The second weld is sloppy and unappealing. The shop owner asks “what’s up with the difference in welds?” The welder says, “the first one is $25 an hour and the second one is $18”.