I went into the pet shop and I said “I’d like to buy a wasp”
I said “But you’ve got one in the window”
A man walks into a bakery
“We don’t sell wasps”, answers the baker.
“Well, there’s one in the window.”
wasp spray
What do you call a lazy wasp?
I made a joke in my dream last night and I still think it’s funny.
“There’s so many wasps that they’re starting a country club!”
The World Expert on Wasps
He walked up to the counter and said to the man serving there, “Is that record in the window really a copy of Wasp Noises of the World?”
“It most certainly is,” said the shopkeeper.
“Excellent,” said the man from the street. “I have searched for that record for a great many years. You see, I am the world’s leading expert on wasps. I have written books on their habits, diets, stripe patterns and social structures, but what truly fascinates me is the noises they make. That record in the window is famous in the world of wasp study as the most accurate documentation of wasp noises in the world, and I haven’t managed to acquire a copy until now.”
“Well, this is your lucky day,” the shopkeeper said. “I’ll have it out of the window and bagged up for you right away.”
“Hold on now,” said the world expert on wasps. “It’s a very old record, it may have distorted or been damaged, in which case it would be no use to me. I see you have a gramophone back there. Would you mind playing me a sample so I can be sure it’s in good working order?”
The shopkeeper, grumbling to himself about how picky this customer was, set up the gramophone, retrieved Wasp Noises of the World from the window display, and placed the needle on the record, which began to play.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZzzzZzZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZ
The world expert on wasps lifted the needle off the record with a confused look on his face. “Now, this is most unusual,” he said. “I am the world’s foremost expert on wasps, and yet this wasp noise is entirely unfamiliar to me. Can you play me another, in case this part of the record is damaged?”
The shopkeeper moved the needle on a bit, and placed it back on the record.
ZzZzZzZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzZ
The world expert on wasps lifted thee needle again, looking extremely perplexed. “Something very strange is going on here,” he muttered. “I am the world expert on wasps. No-one alive knows more about wasps than I do. And yet, once again, I do not recognize this wasp noise at all. Can you play me one more, to be certain?”
Again, thee shopkeeper mover the needle on, and again, the record played.
zzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZzZzZzzZZzzZZZZzz
The world expert on wasps snatched the needle off the record, with a look of borderline panic on his face. “Something is definitely wrong with this record!” he exclaimed. “I am the greatest expert on wasps alive, nay, that has ever lived. No part of the life of the wasp is unknown to me. And yet, three times, this copy of Wasp Noises of the World has produced a wasp noise entirely alien to me. It cannot be that there are species of wasp whose noises have been recorded that I am not aware of. I would have been informed, consulted by the discoverers. Surely this record must be damaged. Would you inspect it for any signs?”
The shopkeeper, feeling distinctly put out by now, lifted up the record and examined it closely, at which point a knowing smile spread across his face.
“What is it?” asked the world expert on wasps. “Is the record damaged?”
“No,” said the shopkeeper. “Nothing like that.”
“Then what can possibly be going on?” asked the world expert on wasps. “I am acquainted with the noises of every species of wasp on the planet, and yet I don’t recognize any of the ones you have played to me.”
“Well,” said the shopkeeper, “That’s probably because it was playing the bee side.”
Guys walks into a piano shop and asks the shop keeper for a wasp!
A man walks into a pet shop
Collegue told me at work the other day, made me chuckle
A wasp expert walks into a record shop
The record shop owner says that they have it in stock and asks if the wasp expert would like to listen too it before he buys.
The wasp expert agrees and the record is placed on the record player.
The pin goes down and all of a sudden a horrible buzzing noise emits from the machine.
The wasp expert is horrified stating that in all his years of being a wasp expert, he has never heard anything as far from wasp sounds in his life.
The record shop owner looks confused until he notices something.
“Sorry” says the record shop owner,
“I was playing it on the bee side!”
Two bumblebees are flying along together
The bee asks, “Why are you wearing of of those?”
“This? I just don’t want anyone thinking I’m a wasp.”
A man walks into a tiny hardware store
Hardware store
Two bees are on their way to the synagogue, the one bee looks at the other and says “make sure you’ve got your yarmulke…
I went into the pet shop and I said “I want to buy a wasp”
~~~~
So instead I bought a dozen bees. As I was paying for them I said “Here, I bought twelve bees but there’s 13 in this jar” and he said “Yes, one of them’s a freebee”.
The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.
He says to the shopkeeper “I’ll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I’m the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, and I can identify any one of them just by listening to the sound it makes!”
He smiles smugly as the shopkeeper fanes interest.
The wasp expert pays and leaves. When he gets home he puts the record on.
“Bbzzzzzzzzz” it goes, but the man is stumped, he doesn’t know what type of wasp this is!
He waits for the next track.
“Bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzz” and again, he can’t identify which
species of wasp this is!
It gets to the fifth track and he breaks down in tears. He can’t identify a single wasp yet he thought he was the world’s leading expert!
He calls his old professor round to the house to help, when he arrives he explains to him,
“I thought I was the best in the wasp business, but I can’t identify a single wasp on this whole record!”
He says, still in tears.
The old professor ponders for a minute as he looks at the record.
“Ah, I know what the problem is”
Says the professor.
“What? what is it?!”
-“you’ve got it on the B-side”
How two bees say hi to each other?
A wasp just stung me.
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.
To which she replies “No, it kills them.”
A guy has a wasps nest in his garage
“Excuse me, is this spray good for wasps?”
“No sir, it kills them.”
I was working as groundskeeper on a golf course…
I told her she needed to close her stance a bit.
A car salesman is showing some fine cars for sale…
“Well, this one is a fine 1951 Hudson Hornet,” says the car salesman.
The buyer gasps, “A Hudson HORNET? Well, I wouldn’t want to see a Hudson Wasp!”
The salesman brushes it off and shows him the next car, “this is a Porsche Spyder.”
Again, the buyer is aghast, “what is with car companies naming them after insects?! What’s next, a Volkswagen Beetle?!”
Two wasps walk into a bar
Something you don’t know about me – I’m an authority on wasp sounds.
Say what you want about wasps.
A regular golf course member is going for her regular solo 7:00am tee-off.
When she gets to the clubhouse, she runs into the club pro.r>
“Hey Alice, good round today?”
“The round was good,” she replies, “but I did get stung by a wasp.”
“That’s too bad. Where did you get stung?” He asks.
“Between the first and second holes.”
“Well, first off Alice, your stance is way too wide.”
I didn’t exactly ace my “capture the wasp” exam.
A bumblebee and a honeybee meet on the corner.
“I can give you a hot tip,” says the bumblebee. “Go half a block south, then fly over the house to tbe back yard. There’s a bar mitzvah going on and there’s more floral displays than you’ve ever seen, and they’ve even got bowls of sugar and glasses of fruit juice – you should make out like a boss!”
“Gosh, thanks!” says the honeybee, and flies off. Hours later, the two bump into each other again. “Thanks for the great tip,” says the honeybee, “that’s just about saved the hive.”
“Good,” says the bumblebee, “but… what’s that on your head?”
“That’s a yarmulke,” says the honeybee, “I didn’t want them thinking I’m a wasp”.
I went golfing the other day and heard a woman running towards the pro shop, screaming that she was attacked by wasps.
How do you prevent a wasp from using its stinger?
My girlfriend caught me trying to stick a tiny blonde wig and a guitar onto a wasp…
Two bees met in a field
“No problem,” said the first bee, “Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit!”
“Thanks for the tip,” said the second bee, and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, “How did it go?”
“Great!” said the second bee. “It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table.” “
Uh, what’s that thing on your head?” asked the first bee.
“That’s my yarmulke,” said the second bee .
“I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”
We are making our own xmas crackers for the family gathering this year. Got any good jokes we can put in them?
The world’s leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.
“My fault, I was playing the b side”………
After traveling to Moscow, the Russian Opposition leader thought he got bitten by a suspicious wasp.
The world’s foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, “Wasp noises from around the world”.
“I don’t recognise any of these noises, and I’m the world’s foremost authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?”
The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track after a while, the world’s foremost authority on wasps is still confused “No, I still don’t recognise any of these wasps. Can you try the next track?” The assistant skips the needle on, and the world’s foremost authority on wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head. “It’s no good. I just don’t recognise any of these wasps”
The assistant peers at the label of the record and says…
“Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side”
What sound does a wasp make when it hits your windshield?
Brian, the world’s leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. “Just Released – New LP – Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make – available now”
“Certainly, Sir,” says the young man behind the counter. “If you’d like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I’ll put the LP on for you.”
Brian, the world’s leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, “I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those.”
“I’m sorry Sir,” says the young assistant. “If you’d care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes.”
Brian, the world’s leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. “I don’t understand it,” he says, “I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can’t recognise any of those!”
“I really am terribly sorry,” says the young assistant, “I’ve just realised I was playing you the bee side!”
My nieces asked me to kill a wasp for them…
I found a vinyl record of Wasp Sounds at a charity shop…
Then I realised – I was playing the Bee side!
Why do wasps never leave tips?
Customer at home depot: is this spray good for wasps?
And that is how I got my first complaint of the day.
Why was the bumble bee wearing a yamaka?
God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.
Why did God invest WASPs?
I bought an LP of wasp noises.
Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp?
I woke up one night to someone knocking on my front door.
“Let me in”, it cried, “I’m being chased by a bunch of wasps.”
That was when I realized why I felt so uneasy.
This was the clam before the swarm.
If a villain wanted to kill Antman and Wasp….
The Irish Border
What animals are the best fighters?
The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.”
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
“This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!”
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
“What seems to be the problem, sir?”
“This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
“I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”
There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and Moishe. So he interviewed all three.
The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Moishe to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Moishe opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Moishe’s sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Moishe, “After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?”
Moishe replied, “A circumcision is not intended to kill.”
Which was the best Donald Trump joke that you heard?
Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton die and go to hell.
They are lined up in front of three doors. The first is opened to reveal a swarm of wasps and mosquitoes. Satan’s voice booms “Mr. Obama you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these vile creations!” And with that, Obama is thrown into the room and the door slams shut.
Clinton and Trump are now terrified. The second door opens, and it reveals a room filled with angry rabid dogs and badgers. Satan’s voice booms again “Mr. Clinton you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these ghastly beasts!” And with that, Clinton is thrown into the room and the door slams shut.
Trump is now wetting himself. The final door opens, but instead of there being anything horrific, Trump sees the most drop-dead gorgeous young woman he has ever laid eyes on, with perfect skin, a stunning face, and thick flowing hair. Satan’s voice booms one final time “Mrs. Samson you have sinned…”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.
Moments later Jim found himself standing in front of the gates of Heaven with two men by his side. St. Peter appeared and asked Jim how he had died. Jim told the story of how he came home early and found his wife with another man. In a fit of rage he threw his fridge at the man hiding outside his window, but his belt had gotten caught and he too fell to his death.
St. Peter gave a disapproving look, but ushered him through the gates nonetheless.
St. Peter turned to the next man and asked the same question. The man replied “I was perched on my windowsill trying to remove a nasty wasp nest. I unexpectedly lost my footing and began to fall. Miraculously, I was able to grab onto the sill of the floor below. Then out of nowhere, some maniac threw a refrigerator out his window right at me! There was nothing I could do.”
St. Peter replied “Most unfortunate indeed” and ushered him through the gates.
Finally, St. Peter turned to the last man, “And how did you die?”
The man answered “So get this, I was hiding in a refrigerator…”
April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?
What do June bugs bring? Small grub-eating mammals, wasps, and endoparasitoid pyrgotidae flies.