Vietnam Jokes

A bunch of US soldiers were marching across a field. One of the guys says to his buddy, “Hey, do you see where we are?” He looks around and realizes they are walking through a massive field of marijuana. The soldiers started breaking off plants and stuffing them into their clothes and their helmets, as much as they could fit. Then their commanding officer comes over, sees what the men are doing, and shouts, “Finally!!! Bout time you boys started listening to me about camoflage!”

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This is from the Vietnam documentary ‘Brothers in War’. After all these tragic stories, one vet wanted to show that it wasn’t all bad, so he told this story. For those that don’t get it, its common practice for soldiers to break off local foliage and attach it to their uniform to help them blend in as they move through different environments. Obviously the CO didn’t recognize what kind of plant it was. (Nothing makes a joke funny like having to explain it!)

An American and Vietcong General were discussing who would have won if the war had continued. Unable to agree they decided to hold a competition between the US Army, the Green Berets and the Vietcong.

The competition was simple, whoever could catch a rabbit the fastest in the jungle would be declared the winner.

The US Army went in first, for over a week all that could be heard from the jungle was the sound of machine guns and mortar fire. Eventually they came out and admitted defeat.

Next in were the Green Berets, they spent over a year in the jungle laying trip wires and surveillance cameras. But they too couldn’t see a rabbit nevermind catch one.

Finally the Vietcong went in, the Americans scoffed at the ragtag bunch, thinking, if we couldn’t catch a rabbit, these guys haven’t got a hope in hell.

About an hour later the Vietcong emerge from the jungle holding a flying squirrel by the ears and declare themselves the winners. The Americans confused say: “but that’s not a rabbit!”

The Vietcong put a gun to the squirrels head and he starts shouting: “I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”

It’s really Hanoi-ing

Everywhere was ‘Phuc’ this and ‘Phuc’ that.

She was really hannoying.

”YOU WEREN’T THERE!!!!!!!!”

Just look at how many Vietnam vets there are!

They join a queue for a nightclub and get chatting to the bouncer.

“So where are you lads from?”

One of the friends replies

“Well I’m from here in Singapore, but my friends are all visiting on business. Kwok and Hung are from Malaysia, Minh is from Vietnam, Liu is from Taiwan, Giat is from Laos, Acharya is from Cambodia, and Arif is from Indonesia.”

The bouncer grimaces, and says

“Look, I’m sorry about this guys. You’re all well dressed and don’t seem like troublemakers. But I’m afraid I can’t let you in if you haven’t got a Thai.”

New tenant Dan

and he should just point his finger and yell “BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!”

He’s out on patrol, he sees enemy soldiers and points his finger.

“BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!”

Much to his amazement, the enemy soldiers fall to the ground dead. He continues on his way, killing more and more VC.

But then he sees an enemy soldier steadfastly walking towards him, and the “BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!” doesn’t work. He tries again, “BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!” but the VC just keeps coming. The VC blunders into him, knocks our hero down, steps on his stomach and face as he proceeds into the distance, saying “TANKETY TANKETY TANK!”

A man sees husband and wife walking, the man is on the front with a bike and behind him comes the wife pulling wagons with all of their belongings.

The man asks the husband, why this way.

The man replies: “tradition”

The next day the man sees this couple again walking down the road. But this time the man is walking behind the wife

The man asks: “What happened to tradition?”

“Landmines” husband replies

Don’t worry, he’ll tell you.

His father clapped him on the back and told him he is a very fortunate son.

Don’t bother. It’s pretty Laos-y.

…you don’t know what’s friend and what’s pho

Trump would never dodge a Twitter war.

We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.

One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow. The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.

Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack.

“You’ve got both your legs, Frank”

“Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.”

-Mitch Hedberg (That 70’s Show)

Son: But dad you also said you were just a shipwright

Dad: Never said I was a good one

They were in Canada

Napalm

I was in a bad mood after finding out my lawyer wanted more money. While walking down the street, my girlfriend was complaining about all the mosquito bites she got and how i wasnt getting any.

I turned around, looked at her, and replied “they cant suck out any blood. My lawyer already took it all.”

True story. 🙂

Agent Orange

It’s all because when their sergeant would yell get down they would all start dancing.

I said “It ain’t me”

In his very first day in the hospital, the doctor sees a young girl in the post-operation area. She is crying, and in a panic, she says to him, “Doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

He looks down at the young girl, and in his best bedside manner, tells her, “That’s because the doctors had to amputate your arms.”

Momma MIA!

Trump dodged the Vietnam War.

Because the trees can speak for themselves

He would’ve fought at the Battle of Hamberder Hill

It’s a pho pas.

‘Cause Charlie don’t serf.

He was duty bound.

Bushcamping

A man walks into a pub, and requests a pint of Guinness only to be told by the bar staff, “I can’t give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you”.

Confused by this he heads a few doors down to another pub and to his astonishment is told the same thing;

“I can’t give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you”.

He then sets out to every pub and drinking establishment he sees, being told the same mantra over and over again;

“I can’t give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you”.

He then travels all across the country with no progress, he is determined to have his foamy black stout if it’s the end of him.

He spends two years travelling the world but every last place says the same thing

“I can’t give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you”.

Until one day, when he has a huge beard and a hungered and determined demeanor having taken him over, he finds a place on the water in Vietnam. He is certain that this is the final stop, it’s now or never. He requests the Guinness for the last time and to his overwhelming surprise and delight; it begins to get poured.

Just as he waits for it to settle he looks back on his long journey and feels complete, this pint will taste sweeter than anything he will ever consume again.

He lifts the pint to his lips…… then the bats got him.

I guess for them, it’s a Nguyen Nguyen situation

Turns out armed robbery is illegal there too.

Hot flashbacks

You wouldn’t know, man, you weren’t there!

Mine sweeper.

I still get splashbacks

Just kidding

At first I’d read that it was due to be set in Vietnam, but then I realised that it was a Thai Po.

Captain Vietnam

I come from a line of seasoned veterans.

They’re calling it the Maya Lin sheath.

It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.

The teacher gave her class an assignment. They were to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back tell their stories.

Cathy began, “My father’s a farmer and we were taking our eggs to market in a basket when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”

“And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Now, Lucy?”

“We raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks,” Lucy explained.

“And what is the moral to your story?” the teacher asked.

‘Don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.’

“That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break when he crash landed. He came down right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then killed the last ten with his bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”

‘Don’t mess with Uncle Bob when he’s been drinking.’