Twist Jokes

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.

Peggy Sue’s Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Bob is shocked. “Excuse me Sir?”

“Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She’d screw all night if we let her.”

Just then, Peggy Sue comes down stairs and announces she is ready to go.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door and screams at her father,

“Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!”

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”

The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”

“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”

A Hook

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre’d that there will be at least a twenty minute wait. “Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?”, he says.

The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?”

The man replies, “Give me a Stoli with a twist.”

The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, “Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . ”

The man calls up his brother to assist with the birth, who readily agrees. The hospital is a bit out of date, a bit out of the way, and the brother works almost as hard maintaining his internet connection as he does assisting with the birth. Eventually, the wife successfully delivered twins, a boy and a girl. The brother fills out the paperwork.

A couple days later the man returns and thanks his brother. “So what did you name them?” the man asks.

“I named my nephew Nolan,” replies the brother.

“Ah, nice choice. And my daughter?” the man asks.

“Nowifi”

An executive of a company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispering, “Hello?”

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked,” Is your daddy home?”

“Yes”, whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?” the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your mommy there?”

“Yes”, came the answer.

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No”.

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left at home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.

“Yes” whispered the child, “a policeman”.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman”?

“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”, asked the boss.

“Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman”, came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?”, asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper”.

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled

giggle……….. “Me”.

You get a Mercedes-Bends.

Wife: look at that drunk guy

Husband: who is he

Wife: 10 years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him

Husband: oh my god he is still celebrating…

First they played ‘Jump’, so I jumped.

Then they played ‘The Twist’, so I twisted.

Then they played ‘Come On Eileen’, so I got kicked out.

Once there was a guy stuck on a deserted island, feeling hopeless. Then, he found a lamp half-buried in the sand. So, he gave it a rub, and guess what? A genie popped out! The genie said, “I’ll grant you three wishes, but here’s the twist: your ex-wife gets double of whatever you wish for.”

The guy thought for a moment and said, “Alright, for my first wish, I want a billion dollars!” Poof! He got a billion dollars, and his ex-wife got two billion.

Undeterred, he said, “For my second wish, I want a mansion on a private island!” Poof! He had a stunning mansion, and his ex-wife ended up with two mansions on two private islands.

Now, feeling clever, he said, “For my last wish, beat me half to death.”

And was asked to leave.

He sits down at the bar and notices a couple lines of people standing at the other side of the bar.

Jimmy asks the bartender “what are those people standing over there for?”

The bartender replies, “oh, the owner has a nice system setup for people who can’t pay their tabs. He really enjoys causing others pain, so if you stand in the first line you can get kicked by the owner and he lets you go free. In the second, the owner gets to twist your nipples as hard as he wants, but again, you get to go for free.”

Jimmy responds “Wow, what an interesting system. You know what would make it a lot better?”

“What’s that?” Asks the bartender

“If there was a punchline”

I was telling my son the “knock knock who’s there banana joke”, and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said “you shouldn’t stand so close to the door”

On dec 31 I am going to say “People ask me what I am going to do in one minute but I don’t have 2020 vision” then on Jan 1 I am going to say “hindsight 2020 that joke was garbage “

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

EDIT: Thank you for the silver!

EDIT AGAIN: Thank you for the gold and platinum! I am honored!

http://i.imgur.com/UvBlxDK.png

and I was banned for life

**Question:** Why did the pirate have trouble with the alphabet?

**Answer:** Because his ‘I’ was all jacked up.

*…she cracks me up*

One gent stops to discuss the matter:

“See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?”

“Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing.

“Well listen- wouldn’t it make a little sense if you at least tried some before you knocked it?”

The nun thinks about it, then says- “Perhaps you’re right.”

“Okay! Now we’re talking! What would you like to try?”

“I’ve heard something about a… Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon.”

“Comin’ right up, Sister!”

The guy walks in and orders a Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon. The bartender goes- “A Fuzzy Navel with a twist of le— IS THAT NUN OUT THERE AGAIN?!?”

A guy goes into a bar with a chicken. The bartender of course says, “What’s up with the chicken? We don’t allow chickens in here.“

The guy says “it’s okay, Freddie’s a talking chicken!“

The bartender says “yeah sure pal. If that chicken can talk, I’ll give you all the free beer you want.“

The guy says “Okay, here you go! Freddie, what’s your favorite favorite kind of beer?”

The chicken says “Bock, bock, bock.”

The bartender says “Ha, ha, very funny, pal!”

The guy says “No, really! He can talk! Freddie, what’s a male deer called?”

The chicken says “Buck, buck, buck.”

The bartender says, “Okay, it was funny the first time, but now it’s kind of annoying!”

The guy says, “I swear! Give me one more chance! Freddie, who’s the best composer ever?”

The chicken says “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

The bartender says, “All right, that’s it! You’re outta here!” And the bartender throws him and the chicken out.

The guy says, “Freddie, you really disappointed me! How come you didn’t prove to the bartender that you can talk?”

The chicken says “what did you want me to say, Beethoven?“

A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lamp. Thinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.

“I am an all and powerful genie. You get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, anything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”

So the man thinks for a few moments and asks for his first wish. “I want a beautiful mansion.”

The genie grants his wish of a brand new, beautiful mansion, and his ex-wife got 2 beautiful mansions.

A few minutes later he asks for his second wish. “I want 100 millions dollars.”

The genie grants his wish of 100 million dollars and his ex-wife got 200 million dollars.

On his final wish he takes some time to really think of what he wants. Finally… he asks for his third wish.

“I want you to scare me half to death.”

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his beautiful young wife pregnant.

So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing. Then my wife’s friend tried.

Right hand, left hand, mouth….still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

“I don’t know, why?”

“To get to the idiot’s house!”

“Knock knock!”

“Who’s there?”

“The chicken!”

“Jim, stop calling yourself names and get inside.”

I replied, “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.”The woman freed the frog and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes (naturally) -that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!”The woman said, “That would be okay,” and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.”The woman replied, “That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.”So, KAZAM – she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. ” The woman said, “That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.”So, KAZAM she’s the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Please, can I have samosa?

You guys ever have this happen to you?

I was out at the bar the other night. They had a good band laying down all sorts of songs.

When they played the Twist, I did the twist.

When they played Jump, I jumped.

But when they played Come On, Eileen, I got kicked outta the place!

Sara always replied, “I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, “Sara, I’m eighty-five years old. If I don’t ride that airplane, I might never get another chance.”

Sara replied, “Mike, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you; but if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”

Mike and Sara agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Mike and said, “My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Mike replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Sara fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

Teacher: 502.

Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Teacher:No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!!

Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

>Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Teacher: open door,put giraffe in, close door

Student: no! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?

Teacher: let me guess the lion?

Student: No!The giraffe because He’s in a fridge.

Teacher: WOW!

Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?

Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?

Student:The gators are at the party.

Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?

Teacher:She drowned?!

Student: no! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

Kinky’s using a feather. Perverted’s using the whole chicken & twisted’s using the whole farm

The ultimate Pavlovian twist is that whenever you hear the name Pavlov you think of a dog

I am conflicted

During an interview, the interviewer posed a question to four applicants: “What do you consider the fastest thing?”

The first applicant promptly replied, “The blink of an eye!”

The second applicant chimed in, “I’d say it’s a thought.”

The third applicant confidently stated, “The fastest thing is light!”

Then came the unexpected twist from the fourth applicant, who confidently declared, “It’s diarrhea.”

Intrigued, the interviewer couldn’t resist and asked, “Can you explain?”

Without missing a beat, the fourth applicant responded, “Well, earlier I had a terrible case of diarrhea. I dashed to the restroom, but before I could blink, think, or even flip on the lights, I soiled my pants!”

So that you’ll think:

“Oh, this is how it’s gonna be”

And then it turns out to be completely different

Because I’m not actually writing a book.

Some would call it a kink

…I got kicked out for that one…

A newly married couple make their way to bed and everything is going well until…

“Ooh! Oh! Look at that! What’s wrong with it?” cries the bride.

“It’s just my junk!” says the groom, offended.

“Yes, but’s what’s wrong with it? They’re not supposed to look like that! It’s all twisted!”

“That’s what they look like!” he replies.

“Have you ever SEEN another man’s junk?” the bride demands.

“Well, no – but I’m normal! This is what they look like!”

“No they don’t!” she tells him. “It’s… warped! There’s all grooves around it! It’s supposed to be… smooth and straight!” Long story short, the argument isn’t settled and the marriage remains unconsumated.

Next day the newlyweds are walking around town, and the groom announces he needs the bathroom.

“There’s a public gents over there,” says the bride. “And while you’re in there, take a look at the man next to you… see if his is the same as yours.”

The groom goes in, and returns in a few minutes looking very crestfallen.

“You’re right!” he says. “They *are* supposed to be smooth and straight. And I found out what I’ve been doing wrong.”

“What?”

“Well they all shake theirs dry. I’ve been wringing mine out.”

a little girl was praying when her dad walked in. she said “good night grandma good night mom good night dad good bye grandpa”. the next day the grandpa drops dead. the dad decides to ignore what she says last night and continues on with his day. that night the dad walks in his daughters room praying again. she says “good night mom, good night dad, goodbye grandma”. the next day the grandma drops dead. the dad starts to get a little freaked and at night he hears his daughter praying again. she says “good night mom, good bye dad”. the dad I completely freaked out so when he goes to work that day he stays in his office. he is afraid of going home so he stays until closing. he comes home and his wife opens the door. she says “where have you been?” he says “I’ve had a rough day.” the wife says, “you’ve had a rough day? first of all in the morning the mailman drops dead in front of me.”

It is expected that he will be given a really tough sentence.

“Please Sir. I want some more.”

The master leans over the table and glowers down at the boy. “Everyday you ask for more, and everyday you get a thrashing for it. Now tell me boy, is the gruel really that good?”

“No Sir, but I love the thrashing.”

A Jewish circumcision doctor once had a jar full of the skin he had circumcised over the last few hours. He went to a new leatherworker he had heard about that could use the leftover skin. So the Jewish doctor thought he would try and reuse, reduce, and recycle.

The doctor met with the leatherworker and told him he had this skin and wanted to have something created for it. The leatherworker says,

“Of course, of course. Give me a few days and come Monday.”

The doctor leaves and returns the following Monday.

“Hello again my friend, I’m here to receive my package” says the doctor,

“Here you are” says the leatherworker with a smile about his craftsmanship. He hands the doctor a wallet made of foreskin.

“WHAT IS THIS?” Says the doctor, ” I gave you an entire jar of foreskin!”

The leatherworker looks at him and says “Wait, wait, just rub it a bit and it will turn into a suitcase.”

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

Mom: are you ok?

Rope: no I’m knot

…in Egypt. I was attending a beautiful university in the capital city, having a wonderful time.

One day I had a pretty important test to take, and I stayed up way too late cramming for it. I slept terribly and woke up with a crick in my neck and pain all throughout my back and shoulders.

During the test I kept stretching and shifting, trying to get comfortable. The professor overseeing the test noticed and came toward me. I was afraid he might think I was trying to cheat by pretending to stretch to look around at other students’ tests.

Instead, when he got to me he grabbed both sides of my head and started to twist and shake my neck in all directions. I thought he was trying to kill me, but then he let go and I realized that all the pain was gone.

After the test, I came up to his desk and asked in astonishment, “Hey, how did you do that??”

“Well,” he said, “I AM a Cairo proctor.”

What do Ted Bundy and the Space Shuttle Colombia have in common?

They both left bodies in four states.

…his career has been dead the whole time.

Because one more would be one-farty bowl of chili!

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, “My son is doing pretty well. He’s just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he’s doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car.” Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball down towards the green, and steps aside.

The third guy steps up and can’t help but escalate with praise for his own son, “That’s pretty impressive, but my boy is also doing great. He’s a chip off the old block. He’s a broker for luxury yachts, and really has a knack for it. He’s doing so well that the last woman he was dating he up and just gave her a freaking boat!”. He takes his shot and stands next to the other guy.

The last gentleman, growing in confidence steps up to the tee, really feeling pride in his son’s accomplishments, “Those are nothing to scoff at, no doubt. Believe it or not though, my son is doing even better! He’s a top ranked national realtor and had such a profitable year that he up and bought this girl he’s been dating an entire freaking house!” He drives his shot almost to the hole and all three walk down to meet the friend that lost his ball in the trees.

The first guy chips his ball out as they arrive at the green. As he walks up the last guy shout to him, “What about you? You didn’t say anything before you shot… don’t you have something to share about your son?”

The bashfully dips his head a little and replies, “I don’t understand my son. I love him and I’m happy he’s happy. He’s a cross-dresser, he’s gay, and works as a male escort…” They all get quiet for a moment before he continues, “He must be good though – just this year his top clients have bought him a Ferarri, a small yacht, and a new fuckin’ house!”

Spark it up, take a drag and pass it to… myself I guess. Sorry, social distancing and all, roll your own.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.

They first took out the left half of a man’s brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, “2, 4, 6, 8, 10”.

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.

He says “1, 3, 5, 7, 9”.

Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

He says, “Look. I’m great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she’s ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That’s no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?”

“Your generation is too reliant on technology”,said my grandpa

“No, Your generation is too reliant on technology,” I reported as I pulled the plug on his life support to further prove my point.

My little sister (8)

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Nobody

Nobody who?

Why are you asking who’s there if nobody is there?

I really think it is intelligent of her and actually funny!

She told me to tell my Reddit friends. So…

Honestly, just try putting yourself in their shoe.

But I’m not! I have the heart of a little girl.

In a jar.

On my desk.

They played “I Won A Rock!”

Because it’s in their incestors blood.

He goes into battlefields after the shooting’s stopped and takes pictures of the aftermath.

The newspaper he works for got him a contract to take photos in Iraq. Well, this was just after the war broke out, and he couldn’t just fly into the country, not while there was a war. So he flew into Turkey, and stayed in a town close to the border called “Zor Bir Yer”, which translates to, “A Hard Place.” There, he hired a translator that spoke English, Turkish, and Arabic, rented a truck, and at the crack of dawn, the pair set out for the border.

Well, about half way there, the truck broke down. The translator called a towing service that was back in the village. After he talked to the person on the other end for a while, he hung up, looked at my friend’s dad and said, “The tow truck is being refueled, so they won’t be here for about two hours.

To which my friend’s dad replied, “Great. So until then, we’re stuck between a Iraq and A Hard Place.“

Written by my twelve-year-old brother:

Q: April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?

A: Separatists and small pox.

Probably why ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’ is one of my all-time favourites!

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist… yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.

And on Sam’s 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note…

And the next year on Sam’s birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery’s nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam’s notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.

And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter… until, that is, Sam’s 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal… until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful… it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.

Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.

The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.

The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. “What happened?” he asked, exasperated.

The old monk shook his head sadly. “Sorry, I can’t tell you because you’re not a monk.” he said.

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume. The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced. The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.