Turkey Jokes

But it was removed because of fowl language.

Nothing she did could stop it.

She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn’t say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, “Please forgive my behavior from before. I was entirely out of line.”

“Wow,” the woman said, “glad to hear it.”

“If I may ask,” said the Parrot, “what on Earth

did that turkey say to you?”

So this chicken walks up to a turkey and says, “Hey, Turkey! I’ve always wondered something…”

Turkey’s like, “Yeah. What’s up?”

And so the chicken says, “That thing. You know, that flap of skin or whatever that’s hanging down over your beak. What do you call that thing?”

And the turkey crosses his eyes and looks down and says, “Beak? What beak?”

“Quack! Quack!”

Gobble-You!

Note: my six year old made up this joke.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer announced to his friends, “Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!”

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

“I don’t know” said the farmer. “I never could catch the darn thing!”

Gobble Gobble.

Cause it was the chickens day off.

Thanksgiving joke.

But a chicken stops him and says ‘Don’t do it, man. You’ll never hear the end of it.’

I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.

Mind your manners! If your dad could see you now, he‘d roll over in his gravy!

Hushed silence turned into a roar of laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat announced:

“Gentlemen !

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-

Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece

and

Frustration of Hungary !

Roast in peace

Are you all raw?

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that I could make such a mistake and asked how I could possibly do this when the breast would be round and make it difficult to get the turkey to not roll.

My lame joke:

>”Maybe I just like flat breasted turkeys.”

Wife looks down at her chest:

>”Well now I feel self-conscious… Wait, is that why you always turn me face down?”

Everybody starts roaring with laughter and her dad turned bright red.

…I’ll tell you later.

Gobblegool

To get to the other side dishes.

Because he’s a vegetarian, see?

When it’s a goblin.

A turkey wouldn’t commit genocide against innocent people

It seems they have issues with the curds.

Because they hate Turkey

Cause they like to gobble things down.

They suspected fowl play.

“coup coup”

To prove it wasn’t chicken.

Because they despise letting the Kurds have their way.

A woman called the turkey hotline to ask how long to cook her 12lb turkey in the microwave.

The hotline worker responded, “Uhhh… one minute…”

She said, “Thanks!” And immediately hung up.

Guy buys a parrot and when he gets home, he discovers that it won’t stop cussing.

After a few days of embarrassment and covering his kids’ ears, he threatens the parrot.

“I’m gonna send you to go live in the freezer if you don’t clean up your act!”

The parrot: “F*** off, A**hole”

So off to the freezer he goes with the door slamming behind him.

Five minutes later the owner has cooled off and figures his parrot has too. He takes the bird out of the cold and puts him on the perch. The bird just sat there dead silent and shivering…. for one minute, two minutes, three…

The owner shrugs it off and lets the bird thaw out. But when he comes back an hour later the little guy’s still sitting there shivering and speechless.

Now the owner felt kinda bad so he asks the parrot, “What’s wrong, buddy? Is it that hard to think of something nice to say?”

The parrot, still shivering, looks at him with fear in his eyes and says, “W-w-w-what the hell did the turkey s-say????”

Sorry sir, we don’t have Wild Turkey only a House bourbon? What can I get you?

I’ll have a shot of Wild Turkey

I’m so sorry sir, we just ran out, how about a Jack Daniels

I’ll have a shot of Wild Turkey

Okay sir, if you can spell Wild Turkey, I’ll get you a shot

W-I-L-D T-U-R-K-E-Y, Wild Turkey

Sir you forgot the F

There’s no F in Wild Turkey

That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you,

Because they don’t have to worry about buying Christmas presents

Peach gobbler

Joesph Gobbles

A Gobblegänger.

…and all 80.81 million people in it.

I thought, “That’s not a very nice thing to call her son-in-law.”

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving!

He didn’t. He’s an asshole and just stood in front of my car for 5 mins.

They all have cavities and no teeth

A cryptophan

Everyone loves tanks giving turkey.

Duck doesn’t deny the Armenian Genocide.

People ran out of the frozen food section in excitement, and even the cops showed up to see!!!!

So now I’m chilling in Istanbul.

No matter how many times they hit, they’ll always hit Fowl balls.

Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store.

Because it couldn’t stan the bul

And my lawyer said, “I’ll take a footlong turkey.”

Over time a pothole in the road has got so big that people are falling into it and getting injured.

It get so bad that all the villagers get together to decide what to do about the hole in the road.

One of them says, “We should have an ambulance standing by ready to take people to the hospital when they fall down the hole.”

Another one says, “Actually, we could go one better and ask them to build us a hospital next to the hole.”

“Don’t be silly”, says Temel. “All we need to do is fill in the hole here and dig a new one next to the hospital we’ve already got.”

Would Greece help?

It just wasn’t very well thawed out.

(it’s bad, but it’s mine)

And the doctor tells him, “You’re in terrific health, you’re healthier than most 40 year olds, what do you contribute your exceptional health to?”

And the man replies”Turkey hunting, every morning I walk in the mountains and go turkey hunting.”

“Well maybe genetics has something to do with it.” Says the doctor, “How old was your father before he died?”

“Who said my father was dead?”

“You’re 80 years old and your father is still alive?” The doctor says in disbelief.

“Yep” replied the man, “He is 100 years old and went turkey hunting with me this morning.”

“That’s amazing!” Exclaims the doctor, “But then how old was your Grandpa when he passed?”

“Who said my grandpa was dead?”

The doctor is shocked and asks, “Your Grandpa is still alive?”

“Yep, he’s 120. But he couldn’t join us this morning, he had to get ready for his wedding.”

Puzzled, the doctor asks, “Why would a 120 year old man want to get married?”

And the man responses, “Who said he wanted to get married?”

——————————

Coworker told me this one at work. Happy Friday.

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She

also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says “if you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusal tattoos on your thighs?” She says “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

Because Austria wasn’t Hungary anymore.

Alcoholic 1: Do you think I should quit cold turkey?

Alcoholic 2: You should! I quit cold turkey 10 years ago, from that time I only eat it hot or at least warm!

Which I cooked in Greece, and served with a side of Chile, which I ate with my friends Jordan and Chad. Sudanly we had Togo because we were Ghana get in trouble because we didn’t Finnish paying. But I’ve Benin trouble before, there was Norway they were going to catch me, I Congo much faster than they can.

You have the freezing cold part at the top.

Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection.

Then, down the bottom corner, there’s just turkey and grease.

The white parts are the best.

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, “One of these days, you’re gonna fart your guts out!”

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey.

Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so.

A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee.

Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom.

She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn’t reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned.

So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost.

He said, “You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again.”

Chergobble

I need enough for 12 people and maybe 2 police officers

Only problem is, now the supermarket says I’m banned for life…

I’ll just get a turkey next year like normal.

Why? Well because now that the UK has left, there’s 1 GB of free space

Monday morning he brought in a turkey and provolone on wheat bread. Put it in the fridge. By lunch time it was gone.

Tuesday he brought in ham and cheddar on white bread. Put it in the fridge, again gone by lunch.

Today he brought a chicken ceaser wrap. Gone by noon.

I hope he brings a pastrami and Swiss tommorow. That’s my favorite.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

and it flew over my car and landed on the car behind me. It was a Cop and he pulled me over and gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird.

They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.

Cause he likes stabbing things in the back.

The Russian tells him “I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

“Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

“And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color.”

The prince says “I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed.”

“Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color or they will reject you,” the Russian explains.

“Well,” the prince says, “I’m looking for a strong, adult bull. I’m not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here.”

The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.

The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.

“Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?” He sputters.

“I told you. He from Turkey,” the Russian explains, “Is tan bull, can’t stand a noble.”

It didn’t work out, there were a lot of red flags everywhere

They arrive in a beautiful clouded world and begin to walk towards a man. He is standing in front of the golden gates of heaven.

“Hello! I am Peter. Behind me, is Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t let you in since you three weren’t Christians… But! if you can tell me what the meaning of Easter is, I will gladly open these gates for you.”

The three monks look at each other and nod in agreement.

Monk 1 proudly claims to Peter, “Oh! Yes! Easter! Big man, white beard get on sled and give presents to children!”

Peter looks at him with sadness, “No. That’s Christmas.” Monk 1 instantly vanishes.

Monk 2 pauses with thought, looks up at Peter and states, “Easter. Families sit at table together. Cook Turkey and pray.” He pauses for Peters response.

“Wrong. Last try,” says Peter as monk 2 poofs away.

Monk 3 has a serious look in his eyes and says in a low deep voice, “Yes. Jesus. Son of God. Taken. Beaten. Nailed to cross. Die. Put in cave. 3 day go by. Cave opens. Jesus comes out. Sees shadow. Goes back inside!”

The only way I could stop was to taper off my intake gradually.

Too many red flags

…he’s still coughing up feathers.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

“What did you do today?” I asked.

She couldn’t wait to tell me. “We learned that boys are different from girls” she chirped.

Looking into the rearview mirror, I could just see the top of her head. “My teacher told us that boys have a thing and girls don’t,” she added.

“Well, yes they do…” I said cautiously.

I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up again. “That’s how girls know that boys are boys,” she said. “They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy.”

I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour.

“Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?”

My palms were beginning to sweat.

“Um…well…” I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject when she asked, “Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?”

Well, I didn’t know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn’t asked herself that question at least once? “Oh, well…um…” I stammered.

She didn’t wait for my answer. She had her own. “It’s ‘cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that’s when they know they are boys and that’s when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked.”

That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole, I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things.

As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag.

“I drew a picture,” she said. “Do you want to see?”

I wasn’t sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down.

There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud.

She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it … and I did … she got over her pique.

That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I’m not so lucky. Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven’t looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.

I’ll make do with the much cheaper chicken cold cuts and put the extra money towards buying more weed.