What do you call tuba section with only one tuba?
Arnold Schwarzenegger plays the sousaphone.
“IT’S NOT A TUBA!”
Tuba Lessons (warning, long build up)
“The tuba.” replied the child.
That very day the father put his child into tuba lessons. The tutor would work with the child every Friday from seven o’clock to nine o’clock in the evening, and was close enough to the family home that the father thought it acceptable for his child to walk to the lessons and back.
The first Friday came around, the child went off to his lesson and returned shortly after nine, eager to show his father what he’d learned. “Daddy, daddy! Today I learned how to play a B flat!” and with much eagerness, the child demonstrated his newfound skill BROOMTP.
The second Friday came around, the child went off to his lesson and returned shortly after nine, eager to show his father what he’d learned. “Daddy, daddy! Today I learned how to play a G!” and with much eagerness, the child demonstrated his newfound skill BRAAAP.
The third Friday came around, the child went off to his lesson… but he didn’t return at nine. He wasn’t back by eleven, or midnight, or even by two in the morning. At quarter to four, the child comes strolling in, reeking of tobacco smoke, cheap perfume, and even cheaper booze. The father, who had been waiting up all night for his kids return was understandably furious. “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL NIGHT?!?”
“Oh, chill out daddy-o…” returned the child, “I just had a gig.”
I realized I left my tuba in the car with the doors unlocked…
What is a tuba for?
What instrument does the uterus play?
Patient: Doctor, I was playing my kazoo and I swallowed it!
Some musician related jokes
Why can’t a French horn player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start making out, his hand goes to the wrong place.
What do you call a euphonium player who isn’t part of a military band? Unemployed
How many tuba players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, one to hold it in place and the other to play pedal tones until the world starts to spin.
A 6th grader decides he wants to play tuba and his parents find a world-class private teacher who hosts hour-long lessons at his house. The first day, after the lesson, the teacher drives the kid home and he runs to his parents and says “I learned how to play the note Bb today!”. The second day, the same thing happens but the kid had learned to play an F. The third day the kid doesn’t come home. The parents wait until an hour after he was supposed to be back and call the teacher, asking where the kid is. The teacher replies “He’s at his first gig”.
How do you make a guitarist play quieter? Put sheet music in front of him.
What does a gig opportunity for a trombonist have in common with Christmas? They both only come once a year.
How do you know a singer is at the door? Can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.
How do you get two piccolo players to play in tune? Shoot one of them.
How do you get two oboe players to play in tune? Shoot both of them.
What’s the difference between rock and jazz? Rock plays four chords for an audience of millions, jazz plays millions of chords for an audience of four.
What type of instrument do you find in the bathroom?
Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on
Somewhere right now, maybe Mexico or Bavaria, there is a tuba player telling his girlfriend..
How do you fix a broken tuba ?
Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument
A long time ago a man was walking around the streets of Vienna…
“Well,” Boris replied, “I am the piccolo player for an International Orchestra.”
“Spectacular!” the man replied.
“It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says ‘Fill the instruments with gold!’ and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone with gold, and then there’s me with the damn piccolo.
“We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says ‘Fill the instruments with silver!’ and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and then there’s me with the damn piccolo.
“Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he says ‘Shove the instruments up their asses!’ and the tuba doesn’t fit, and the trombone doesn’t fit… and then there’s me with the damn piccolo!”
Dating a French Horn player
“Nah,” the first girl replied. “That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all.”
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?”
“Ugh!” the first girl exclaimed. “Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!”
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?”
“Well,” the first girl replied, “his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!”
How was Jaws able to sneak up on people while they were swimming?
How do you tune a Jedi tuba?
What did the children of the Polka Band’s Tuba Player call him?
When I was a kid, I had to quit the marching band based on my religious principles.
My Best Friend Decided To Play The Tuba in Highschool
I want to start a all brass quartet with a lumber theme.
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are watching an orchestra
“I think it was the tuba player”, Watson replied.
“How do you figure that?”, asked Holmes, confused.
“Why, the man farted, and it came out high-pitched, so it carried” Watson explained.
“Ah”Holmes said. “Ass-toot observation, my good sir.”
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!
Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
After unsuccessfully trying to post here, I finally gave up and messaged the mods asking what the deal was. They sent me back pictures of flutes, trombones, trumpets, tubas and cymbals. Confused, I asked what that meant. They answered…
Getting the gig.
They rocked the house all night, and when the gig was ending, the host asked if they would do the gig the following year.
The banjo player said, “ We’d LOVE to!!! … Can we leave our stuff here?”
Two drunks are in a bar
Second drunk says: no way! You’re drunk and making stuff up.
Drunk 1: I swear, go check it out. End of the hallway, second door on the left.
Drunk 2 comes back from checking it out and says: I knew you were pulling my leg. It’s just a regular toilet.
Drunk 1: hey bartender, tell this guy I’m not making it up. I was here yesterday and I swear to god you had a golden toilet.
Bartender talking to his boss at the other end of the bar: hey boss, I think I found the guy who took a dump in your tuba.
How many tuba players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The music composer at my school is suffering from Cancer.
It’s my cake day and I don’t know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid
Answer = A stick.
2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.
3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.
4. What time is it when the clock strikes 13?
Answer = Time to get a new clock.
5. How does a cucumber become a pickle?
Answer = It goes through a jarring experience.
6. What did one toilet say to the other?
Answer = You look a bit flushed.
7. What do you think of that new diner on the moon?
Answer = Food was good, but there really wasn’t much atmosphere.
8. Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Answer = Because the chicken wasn’t born yet.
9. Why can’t Elsa from Frozen have a balloon?
Answer = Because she will “let it go, let it go.”
10. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
Answer = A tuba toothpaste.
11. Why did the kid bring a ladder to school?
Answer = Because she wanted to go to high school.
12. What do you call a dog magician?
Answer = A labracadabrador.
13. Where would you find an elephant?
Answer = The same place you lost her.
14. How do you get a squirrel to like you?
Answer = Act like a nut.
15. What do you call two birds in love?
Answer = Tweethearts
16. How does a scientist freshen her breath?
Answer = With experi-mints.
17. How are false teeth like stars?
Answer = They come out at night.
18. What building in your town has the most stories?
Answer = The public library.
19. What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Answer = Finding half a worm.
20. What is a computer’s favorite snack?
Answer = Computer chips.
I just don’t understand kids. My kid says he wants to play heavy metal. So why’s he so mad at me?
One night, a man got a little drunk…
The women advised him, “It’s right down that hall to the left.”
The man stumbled down the hallway, and in his drunk position, took a right rather than a left. Sitting inside of the room he had opened was a great, golden toilet. So, he did his business in it.
The next day when he woke up, he could only remember one thing: That toilet was so comfortable! So, he decided: he would go back to that bar and he would buy that solid gold toilet today!
He walked into the bar and talked to a different bartender, “Excuse me sir: Yesterday, I came in here and I used the most comfortable, solid gold toilet I have ever sat on! I demand to buy it off of you!
The bartender chuckled and yelled to the back hall: “Hey Charlie, I found that guy that took a dump in your tuba!”
There’s a new website that hosts videos of people playing brass instruments.
George comes home to his apartment, drunk as a skunk, and says to his roommate Ted, “I just visited Joe’s Tavern. It’s the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!”
“What?” sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. “We don’t have a solid gold toilet!”
Ted hangs up the phone. “You must have been drunkenly mistaken,” he says. “Joe’s doesn’t have a solid gold toilet.”
“It does so!” responds George. “I’ll prove it to you. I’ll take you to Joe’s tomorrow and show you myself!”
The next day, George brings Ted to Joe’s. He is about to tell Ted where the toilet is, when suddenly, a voice is heard from the other end of the bar:
“HEY, YOU! AREN’T YOU THE D**KHEAD WHO TOOK A S**T IN MY TUBA LAST NIGHT?!”
A symphony is preparing for a concert.
Ultimately, they’re forced to cancel the performance. It was simply too hot to Handel.
SCUBA is an acronym for “Self contained underwater breathing apparatus”. Tuba is also an acronym.
A message to the moon
Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon.
The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.
Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.
Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, “Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land.”
In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour…
It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to competing egos, and the timpani player showed up late to many performances.
Donovan Schmidt, the leader of the orchestra at the time and renowned for his bad temper, was furious. The flight delay was the last straw and his patience was starting to get the better of him.
After enduring a 30 minute argument between his bassoon and tuba players, Schmidt snapped and threw his baton at them.
Sailing through the air the baton pierced a bassoon player’s eye, entered his brain, and he promptly dropped dead.
The ensuing months saw Schmidt dragged in and out of court and the nation waited with baited breath to see what would become of his fate.
Finally, it was ruled by a jury of his peers that he should face the death penalty by electric chair. Shocked and dismayed, the arts community rallied around Schidmt, but it was to no avail. The date had been set.
Strapped into the chair and with his head shaven, Schmidt had tears streaming down his face as the warden gave the nod to throw the switch….then, nothing happened.
Confused, the death row technicians reset the machine, rewired the harness and waited for the Warden’s signal….then, nothing.
This happened 4 times in a row, until the warden screamed at his officers “just what in the hell is going on in there?!”
Scratching his head, the senior corrections officer yells out to the warden “I dunno…I guess he must be a bad conductor.”
The Bar with the Golden Toilet
“I’m telling ya man. This is the best bar in the whole city. Every Friday night they have all you can drink specials for $2. And the best part… a sorority house is right next door and the place is just filled with young, gorgeous, single, women.”
“Well let’s go next Friday then!”
“Aye, and that’s where the problem lies. Like I said, it was all you can drink, so I had my fill and my memory is pretty fuzzy. All I can remember about the place is it had big purple double doors in the front and a golden toilet in the restroom.”
“A golden toilet?”
“Aye, a golden toilet. Even in my blacked out state I can remember thinking how strange it was for the toilet to be painted gold.”
The pair decide they are going to find this bar with the $2 drinks, gorgeous gals, big purple doors, and a golden toilet. The next Friday they head out and catch a cab. They explain to the cab driver what they are looking for and he says it doesn’t sound familiar, but if it’s in this city he will find it.
So, after driving all over town without much luck they finally pull up to this little dive bar and lo and behold it has over-sized double doors painted a bright purple. The guy gets excited and tells his buddy, “I think this is it!”
The bar hasn’t opened up yet for the night, but they notice the bartender bringing out a bag of trash to the dumpster, so they go over to ask him about it.
“Hey, does this place have golden toilets?”
The bartender is confused. “What?!?”
“Does this place have golden toilets? I was in the best bar of my life last week and the only thing I can remember is it has purple doors like this one and a golden toilet in the men’s room.”
The bartender thinks for a minute, seems to realize what is going on, then opens up the door to bar and yells, “Hey Sam, I think I found the guy that took a dump in your tuba last week!”