Suggestion Jokes

I had an idea occur to me, how about offer flair for jokes so that it can be tagged as an oldie but a goody or heard it from a friend or thought of this one myself, because some people seem like theyve heard a lot of stuff and complain every time they heard it again. It would help you not get let down if youve heard it before and help people find new jokes while still not discouraging the old jokes from coming back and being enjoyed by those of us that arnt so picky.

From now on when I tell one of these, I am going to call it “the bar”. Mostly because I love the idea of all these crazy people walking into the same bar.

Any opinions?

Sound advice.

Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman.

He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route.

When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts.

After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some “dessert.” Joe happily accepts again.

When they are done, the woman gives him a dollar. Joe asks what the dollar is all about. The woman replies: “It was my husband’s suggestion.

When I told him that it was your last day at work, he told me ‘F**k him, give him a dollar. The lunch was my idea.”

The farmer says, “That’s ridiculous.”

So the guy walks up to the farmer’s cow and says “Moo moo moo.”

The cow replies in English, “Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he’d change the water in my trough a little more often.”

The farmer is amazed. He’s never seen an animal talk before.

Next the guy walks up to the farmer’s dog. “Woof woof woof,” he says.

The dog replies, “Haha, yes. I’m not a fan of that kibble he feeds me, but I do enjoy life on this farm quite a bit. I do my best to contribute, and I appreciate that he lets me live in the house instead of the barn.”

The farmer says, “Incredible.”

Next the guy tried to walk up to the farmer’s sheep. But the farmer jumps right in front of the guy.

“Don’t talk to the sheep, she’s a liar!”

Paddy and Mick are blind drunk and going home from a night out and realize that they don’t have enough money for a taxi so they decide to go to the Bus Depot and steal a bus. … Mick breaks into the depot as Paddy stands as a lookout. …

After a while, Paddy decides to see what is keeping Mick, so he looks through the gate where he sees Mick running from bus to bus looking worried . …

“What the hell are ye doing?” Hissed Paddy.

Mick replies, “I can’t find a number 6 bus anywhere, Paddy.”

Holding his hands to his head in disbelief Paddy barks, “You idiot Mick, steal a number 8 and we’ll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the feckin way.”

“Well,” says Bubba, “every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times.

It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.

So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost.

His wife, half-asleep, said, “Bubba? Is that you?”

Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion

“…Maybe the chicken strips for $6?”

“Maybe it does, but that doesn’t help with my hunger.”

so I wrote ‘Free Tibet.’

Just putting my two scents in

Rename share to spreddit, delete to shreddit, karma to creddit. The fact the they haven’t done this, I just don’t Greddit

He was the original trip advisor.

I said, “That…sounds like a big step.”

My wife is really against calling her Eileen.

I played this simple and harmless joke on my mum a few years back and the family still laughs about it. Here you go:

Go to the local greenhouse or place that sells plants. Buy a really nice flower pot (empty) and a bag of potting soil. This is the key, while you are there snag one of the tags from a nice looking flower that has its name, picture and whatnot on it. Make sure its something exotic so she is excited about it. Then fill the empty pot with potting soil, stick the tag into the empty pot and put a nice bow on it. When you give it to her say something like “the lady at the greenhouse said this is a really beautiful plant when the bulb grows but be sure to water it daily, it should grow in like 3-5 weeks”. Done. Mom thinks she go a nice gift and you get to watch her water a pot of dirt for at least a month until she decides to dig up the bulb thinking maybe she killed it… At this point I suggest you have an actual gift ready to give to her because I had to make an emergency trip to the greenhouse after being told: DONTCOMEHOMEWITHOUTAGODDAMFLOWERFORME!!!!! or something like that. Dad was still laughing when I got home, and afterwords mom even said it was a pretty good joke.

His parents were not religious but after a friend’s suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

“When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!”

Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’. Yet they haven’t. I don’t geddit.

Before the wedding, her mother takes her aside and says, “I’ve tried to talk you out of marrying this man, but you seem determined to go through with it, so just promise me one thing”

“Greeks have unnatural desires in the bedroom that are perverse, nasty, and disgusting. Just promise me now, if he ever asks you to ‘roll over’ you will refuse.

The girl agrees and goes through with the marriage. Everything proceeds fine until about 5 years into the marriage. One fateful night in bed, the Greek says,”Honey, tonight let’s try something different, I want you to roll over.

She is shocked by the suggestion! “My mother warned me about you! That is sick and disgusting! How dare you ask such a thing of me?”

“But”, says her husband, “don’t you want to have children?”

Finally I logged in and updated my cookie preferences

It might have been the name though…

They agreed, so I told them, “She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition… I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket.”

“It’s a deal!” my wife said, with a smug look on her face.

“You obviously didn’t check the lottery numbers last night, did you?”

He said to stand in the corner since it’s usually 90 degrees over there.

In my defence, the last place I found was in a great location in the centre of town and it did say “TO LET”.

How was I supposed to know the “I” had fallen off?

At a formal event, roll your tie up into a little bundle right below the knot. Then ask someone, “Which of the 2 flaps do you think will unravel first?” After they guess, let it unravel and go “It’s a tie!”.

is grounds for Imbleachment.

Mordor

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?”

Well don’t you know, she loved my suggestion!

It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.

Are we going to start having to sing hymns and herns?