Substance Jokes

They have no substance.

A Chinese chemist took part in a chef competition in UK. His English was barely passable during the presentations, but his cooking skills were great, and he went on qualifying. In the last round, he got tied with another contestant for the first place. So an innovative tie-breaker was devised. Each of them was given a random substance from the shelf which they had to identify and come up with a story within a minute, that involved the substance in the punchline.

The Chinese guy was given baking soda, which he did identify, but didn’t know what it was called in English. He thought for a while and went,

“Once upon a time, one big company. It have district manager and regional manager. Both get car from company. One day, RM car DM car crash on road. RM car break front bonnet. Fault of RM. But RM angry boss and ask for replacement, or DM lose job.

….

So DM buy car bonnet!”

“All your base are belong to us”

The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking “Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?”

I replied “No, only guns.”

This is a no joking matter

You know how everyone has occasionally had the great idea to try and snort assorted things? Like pixie stix and rock candy? That’s where this story takes place.

Somehow the topic of conversation wandered to the effects of cocaine and other substances on the nostrils. The attention seeker of the group, James, adamantly responded there’s no way the actual activity of snorting could possibly harm your nose, and the destruction of the schnauzer was the fault of whatever substance was snorted.

Several members of the group challenged this, and back and forth ensued, until an agreement was reached. James would try it himself, without the substance part.

Issue was, the only consumable we had handy was fruit punch. The group began boiling down a small batch to be placed into a snortable less liquidy form. Credit cards were unsheathed, ready to swipe and manipulate the gooey substance into a snortable line. The scene was set and the challenge was nearing.

We all patiently awaited the punchline.

So I’ve started drinking.

She told me, “Alcohol isn’t a solution.”

“Actually,” I replied “it’s excellent at dissolving many substances.”

A teacher writes on the whiteboard: HNO3 and asks a student:

– What substance is that?

– Hmmm… wait a moment… It’s on the tip of my tongue!

– Spit it out at once!!! That’s nitric acid!

Homeless man: I’m surprised to see you here

Dealer: I am walking to work

Policeman: gentlemen how do you two know each other

Homeless man: I usually go to him for the white stuff

Policeman: may I ask your profession

Dealer: I deal out many substances to the poorer type.

Policeman; your both under arrest

Dealer: I’m sorry I will stop selling sugar and flour to people in need immediately.

Substance abuse

One day, this guy’s at work at a factory that makes glue and whiteout. These two substances are stored in these large vats. One day, the guy falls into one of the vats. His supervisor comes to help and the two start a conversation:

Guy: I’m okay. I just fell into the vat of glue.

Supervisor: You actually fell into the vat of whiteout. See, it says so right there.

Guy: I stand corrected.

A quack-head

But as an Adult, for a fart joke to be funny it needs more substance.

He wanted to create a traffic jam.

(yes I know that they are different substances)

He asked his grandfather,”Are you sure you washed it properly?”

“As clean as cold water can get it” was the reply.

So the young man shrugged and started eating.

The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy. It also smelled a bit like dog.

Are you sure you washed it properly?”

“Clean as cold water can get it” was the reply again.

The man, a bit suspicious for his health, looked at his grandfather, than at his plate and started eating.

As he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog jumped out in front of him, growled and generally blocked him from going forward.

“Cold water, leave the poor boy alone!” shouted the old man from inside.

I don’t think it was completely his fault though. He did asbestos he could.

One day a bicycle rider stops at a border control.

On top of the man’s bike are two bags of powder like substances.

The border control Police demand that he open the bags so they can see what’s inside. When the man did cut the bags open, inside was nothing but sand.

The border control police work and confused but let the man go.

This continued for several weeks with each day, the man rides his bike through border control with two bags of sand which are checked every single time.

After seven weeks, one of the police officers walks up to the man. The police officer tells him “listen, every time we check your bags, there’s nothing in them. Now you seem like a pretty suspicious guy, so come on tell me what you were smuggling”.

The rider leans over…

“bikes”.

I gave my catalyst.

I have not seen my uncle in over 20 years. It is a 10 hour drive to his house and he only leaves the farm for groceries or doctor’s appointments, and never ventures far. We spent hours chatting the entire evening, and finally went to bed after midnight.

Early the next morning my uncle prepared a wonderful country breakfast of bacon, eggs, biscuits, and hash-browns. As I finished my breakfast I noticed a film like substance on my plate, and questioned my uncle asking, “Are these plates clean?” He replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal!”

For lunch the old man grilled up some hamburgers. Again, I was concerned about the plates, as mine appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?” Without looking up he said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!”

Later that afternoon, as I was packing my car to leave, my uncle’s dog came out from under the front porch. The dog started to growl, and bear his teeth, with the hair standing up on his back! I tried to go back in the house and he wouldn’t let me pass! I yelled and said, “Uncle Tom, your dog won’t let me come back in the house.” Without diverting his attention from the Packer’s game he was watching on TV, he shouted,

“COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!’

Because my parents told me to marry someone with substance.

Criptonite.

It’s a heavy liquid but a lighter fluid

I was in my 4th grade glass sitting next to this girl, all of a sudden she produces a loud sneeze.

**ACHOOOOOO**

The whole class was silent, the teacher quietly asked if she needed a tissue

My friend notices a gooey substance dripping from her hand.

*Friend:* **Ewww are those boogers**

*Girl:* ***Nah, it’s not***

a man was pouring colored water every day on the streets of his town

one day his neigbhour called the police because he was pouring suspicious liquids on the streets

when the police came they asked the man:” what are you pouring on the streets? “

the guy said: “i was pouring anti crocodile liquids “

the officer said:” but there are no crocodiles in this town”

the guy said” you are welcome”

On the first morning of the visit, Charle’s grandpa prepares a breakfast of bacon and eggs. Charles notices a weird substance on his plate and asks, “Grandpa, are you sure these plates are clean?”

grandpa replies, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them, just eat your breakfast.”

Later that day for lunch, Charle’s grandpa makes burgers. Charles again, notices specks of dried egg on his plate. Charles starts to doubt grandpa, “Grandpa, I really don’t think the water you’re using is effective. Do you even put these things in the dishwasher?”

Grandpa starts to get mad, “Damn it Charles I told you, these plates are as clean as cold water can GET THEM!”

Later as Charles was leaving, Grandpa’s new dog starts to growl and wont let Charles leave. Charles calls grandpa, “Grandpa! You’re stupid dog won’t let me leave!” Grandpa comes running into the room shouting, “Boy! You lay down! Bad dog! Bad dog!” Charles opens the door but looks down to absolute disgust, the dog has little print on it’s collar. It reads, “Cold Water”.

Premature evaporation

There is a substance called ‘nue’. Once something falls in it, it can’t get out and will sink and suffocate. There was once a woman who owned a cat, and one day she insulted someone- but she didn’t know they were a super villain. So, the villain, being a villain, took her to his secret base, stole her cat and threw it in nue. As the girl screamed, the villain laughed and said, “this will die in nue!”

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and plowed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces.

Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together.

In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. “Astonishing!” said the truck driver to the crew chief. “What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?”

“Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.”

An angel walks into a hospital and sees a room full of dying children and adults.

He begins to heal them one at a time. He finally reaches the final person and it’s a middle aged man with polio. The angel asks the man how he got it in the first place considering how polio vaccines existed. The man replied saying that he didn’t believe in vaccines and thought they were full of dangerous substances that caused autism. The man then asks the angel to cure him. The angel shakes his head no and replies with “Sorry, I can’t cure stupidity”.

It can give you bad trips.

Turns out substance abuse isn’t a joke.

It wasn’t nice… to witness substance abuse.

A 16 year old boy is in a bathroom and is in a process of opening an injection.

His mom suddenly opens a door to the bathroom and sees him injecting an unknown substance. She watches it in horror, when son suddenly turns pale and starts explaining: ‘Mom, no le-let me explain. I-it’s a he-heroin.’

‘Oh thank God, I thought it is a vaccine’ says mom with relief and walks out of the bathroom.

Police concluded that the substance in question was actually the goal line, and we shouldn’t have to worry about any further scares this season.

He’s addicted to quack.

They fill me with tepidation.

Out of everyone on board only 3 people survive, Bob, Jerry, and Rick. When they awake they have been captured by an indigenous tribe. As they beg for their survival the tribe leader speaks up.

Tribe leader: “you three have survived a big crash and are very lucky. As an act of mercy we will let you go find some food, then Come back here when you have found something.

The three oblige and leave to find some substance.

After a few hours bob comes back with a banana.

Tribe leader: “Now, if you want to live you will insert this into yourself without making any facial expressions.

Bob, while stunned by this order, does as he is told. He starts to cry and is beheaded on the spot.

Jerry comes back with a handful of berries and the tribe leader says the same thing to him.

He starts to laugh as he is about to finish and is killed on the spot as well.

Once jerry gets to heaven, bob sees him.

Bob: “those were just little blackberries how did you fail?”

Jerry: “because I saw Rick coming back with a pineapple.”

(This is obviously not my joke I read it a few years back and still remembered the idea, it’s not the same wording as I typed this from memory)

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Mark.”

Jesus opens the door.

“What did you bring Mark?”

“Marijuana from Colombia.”

“Very well son, come in.”

Another soft knock is heard.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Matthew.”

Jesus opens the door.

“What did you bring Matthew?”

“Cocaine from Bolivia.”

“Very well son, come in.”

At the next knock Jesus asks, “Who is it?”

“It’s John.”

Jesus opens the door.

“What did you bring John?”

“Crack from New York.”

“Very well son, come in.”

Someone starts pounding on the door.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Judas!”

Jesus opens the door.

“What did you bring Judas?”

“FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!”

“On Oct. 19, a small bag of a white powdered substance was found laying on the sidewalk of 50th Street and 49th Avenue in Sedgewick. The substance was determined to be cocaine.

“The owner of the cocaine is welcome to come into the Killam/Forestburg RCMP detachment to claim their property.”r>

Source: “The Community Press” Newspaper, November 2, 2010, Sedgewick, Alberta, Canada

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.

50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters.

The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, ” What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?”

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: ” ‘Hare Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave.”

…and saw his son eating some cereal, but instead of milk there was a strange milk-like substance that smelled funny.

Dad: “what’ve you got there, son?”

Son: “cereal with soy milk.”

Dad: “Hola Milk, soy tu padre!”

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So they ask their friend Mr chicken who has always been a great singer. Soon they are getting large gigs at concert and are world famous. They have all the money they could wish for. Sadly Mr chicken gets sick and the band is forced to break up. A few weeks later Mr chicken passes away. Mr pig is devastated and changes his name and goes completely off the grid. Mr Horses parents also get into a large dispute and get a divorce. Mr Horse now has no friends or family to go to. He enters a downward spiral and turns to substance abuse. Eventually he comes back to his senses and decides to put together the last of his money and go on one big solo tour around the world to show everyone that he still has his talent but the tour fails and he loses his money. He decides that he is going to drown out his sorrows in with alcohol.

Horse walks into a bar and the barman says “why the long face?”

An Ex-Stasi

Nothing. They should both be locked up and labelled “dangerous substance”

He kept overdoing it with mind-latering substances.

Of course there are guys who try to beat that by shaving their head, but that doesn’t work because the lab will just take a pubic hair instead. That’s called the phallical test.

H20 is on the inside, and K9P is on the outside.

Knowing that this will be an incredibly hard task, the scientist devotes every day to the task, until they have created the teleporter.

First, the scientist discovers that titanium and sulfur, when combined create a metal that would make a great base and projector for the teleporter, so they write it down as “TiS”.

Next, the scientist works on movement thought the teleporter. The formula they use for this is the mass of the object and the quantity of electrons. For this they write down “me”.

Finally, the scientist needs to create a material for the actual portal. After much dedication, the scientist discovers that boron, iridium, thorium, deuterium, alpha particles and yttrium, when combined, created a substance that allows for the movement of objects through space. When the scientist first observed this, they couldn’t believe their eyes, they called it witch craft. But after much testing, they send it the final formula for teleportation back to the government.

The formula the government recieved was this:

TiS me BIrThDαY!

They were latter arrested for wasting time of important government figures.

Both full of energy and momentum, both lacking substance.

Nobody got hurt, but the chemist responsible is the laughing stock of his group.

We use a lot of helium in the military, that’s why when there’s a shortage you can’t get it for balloons – it’s being stockpiled by the DOD. We use it to stabilize a variety of substances for storage.

One of the substances we cannot use it for is sodium. Even though it does not react with the helium, sodium in an environment with something it can’t react with actually causes it to destabilize. In the correct stoichiometric ratio (8:3), it can actually explode. The chemists have a phrase they use to remind themselves of this:

Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, He He He, goodbye.

In the year 2030, space travel was expanding more than ever, and life science was seeing new revolutions every few weeks. Inventions in robotics and engineering were being created almost daily. But this new world came with a downside, the amount of harsh chemicals in the air were causing cancer to develop in people around the world many times more often than it usually does. A cure for cancer was discovered a few years before, a special substance called Lithium Phosphorus Thymine (or LPT for short). But this substance was extremely rare. It costs around 5 million dollars to construct one dose of the chemical. Most patients were required to take the medicine daily for at least a month before being cured. One test subject had to be treated with LPT for an entire year before recovering!

Obviously there was a problem. Humanity needed an easier way to obtain this substance. Millions of lives depended on it. And the answer came with space travel. After exploring an asteroid near earth, astronauts discovered something amazing, an enormous crystal of pure LPT, created by residual chemicals in the meteor reacting with the intense cold of space. Soon, more and more of these LPT-rich asteroids were being discovered and shipped back to earth, and cancer was eventually cured.

It all goes to show that the real LPT is in the comets.

Why is it whenever I produce a white sticky substance I’m considered a “massive pervert”?

Everyone is always talking about how cheap and disposable Chinese exports are, and now that they’ve finally delivered something of substance everyone is already sick of it…

I mean, it’s basic science.

The king had a beautiful daughter. There was a problem though – everything the princess touched would melt. It didn’t matter what it was made of: metal, wood, stone… anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.” The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth.

Three young princes took the challenge.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds were the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.” The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard.

She pulled her hand away and opened it for the crowd to see. In it was a small pile of m&m’s. The prince, overcome by joy, threw his hands into the air and screamed, “THEY MELT IN YOUR MOUTH NOT YOUR HAND!”

I’d release it, but that would cause pandamoanium.

It’s the degree of compactness of a substance.

One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

Cincinnati, OH Monday, November 11, 2019 – Anthrax Scare At Paul Brown Stadium

Cincinnati Bengals football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Zac Taylor immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.

Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

“Keep off of the grass”

It guarantees whiteness within 14 days. It was been 2 weeks and I am still asian…

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning.

Please friends, if you can’t handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea.