Study Jokes

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy ‘s table and said, “I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT ‘S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy stood and whispered in her ear, “I study law, and I know how to screw people.”

That’s why i do nothing.

“Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!”

Einstein rolls his eyes, “It’s about time”

“Get me my bag!” he shouted.

“Why, what’s the matter?” inquired his pretty young wife.

“Some fellow just phoned and said he can’t live without me,” he gasped as he reached for his hat.

The young wife sighed. “Just a moment,” she said gently, “I think that call was for me.

I was reading the dictionary in bed last night, but I didn’t finish it.

I got up to ‘P’.

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better. They decided to settle the argument by posing questions. The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem. With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques, and a few hours, the physicist gave the solved problem to the mathematician, who was duly impressed.

“All right, my turn. Here’s the problem: you have a pot of water on the stove, at 60 F. You want to heat it up to 70 F. What do you do?” The mathematician replied, “Oh, that’s easy. You turn the stove on. Fourier’s equations govern how heat transfers from the stove to the pot, and you can solve them numerically to find out how long it takes for the water to reach 70 F.” The physicist then asks, “All right, so what if the water’s at 65 F?”

“Oh, that’s even easier. You take the pot of water, stick it in the refrigerator until it cools down to 60 F, and then it simplifies to the previous problem!”

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Mississippi. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid “A”. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends.

They had a great time, however, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Mississippi until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final.

They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final.

The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.

“Cool ,” they thought. “This is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page. It said: (95 Points). Which tire?

All credit for joke goes to: https://plus.google.com/108086887435909989445/posts/72N42C7aivj

but studying Mathematics makes you number.

“You mean an etymologist?” “…I’m not very good at it…”

Study abroad.

She asks him: “What is the capital of Germany?”

“Berlin,” says the boy.

“What is the capital of France?”

“Berlin,” says the boy.

“What is the capital of Russia?”

“Berlin,” says the boy.

“Good job, Adolf, you’ll do great on your test tomorrow.”

A NASA scientist walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How’s work going?” the bartender asks. “It’s frustrating. We’ve been studying the planet Mars and trying to figure out how it went from having a warm and wet habitat to a cold and dry one,” the scientist says. “So far, we don’t have an answer.” “Maybe it got married?” the bartender replies.

Really get into the nitty gritty of things and find out what makes them tick.

She asked him “Do you know Newton?”

He said no.

She said ” if you had been paying attention to your lessons, you would have known him.”

The son asked her ” do you know Rachel?”

She said no.

He said ” if you had been paying attention to your husband, you would have known her.”

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

“Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you.” The tribe leader says.

The scientist’s brow furrows as he is deep in thought.

“No no no sir there’s been a terrible misunderstanding!” The scientist exclaims. “Look out at the pasture.” He points his index finger to the fields, where a flock of sheep are grazing.

“Yes, what is the matter? It’s just sheep.” The tribe leader asks.

“Do you see that sheep? It’s black, while the rest of the sheep are white. The same can be said about your son, It simply happens sometimes in nature.”

The tribe leader grasps the scientists shoulders and stares him down intensely.

“I won’t say anything about my son if you don’t say anything about that sheep”

Because everytime someone graduates, the world increases by a degree.

…in Egypt. I was attending a beautiful university in the capital city, having a wonderful time.

One day I had a pretty important test to take, and I stayed up way too late cramming for it. I slept terribly and woke up with a crick in my neck and pain all throughout my back and shoulders.

During the test I kept stretching and shifting, trying to get comfortable. The professor overseeing the test noticed and came toward me. I was afraid he might think I was trying to cheat by pretending to stretch to look around at other students’ tests.

Instead, when he got to me he grabbed both sides of my head and started to twist and shake my neck in all directions. I thought he was trying to kill me, but then he let go and I realized that all the pain was gone.

After the test, I came up to his desk and asked in astonishment, “Hey, how did you do that??”

“Well,” he said, “I AM a Cairo proctor.”

… and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car” The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

The father responded, “Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher.r>

The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

“Correct again,” says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

A rich Arab kid goes to Portugal to study so his old man buys him a sports car to drive around. A few days pass and the father calls the son.

– Hows it going son? Having fun with your car?

– No father. I am ashamed, everyone here gets around by train.

– Dont embarrass me son. Buy yourself a train too.

They had three rams in their lab. Each ram had a leather collar, and attached to each collar was a tag identifying them as A, B and C.

One of the researchers brought a large gourd from the supply closet and placed it on the head of Ram A. Nothing happened. After five minutes he removed the gourd and placed it on the head of Ram B. Still nothing happened. Finally he placed the gourd on the head of Ram C. Again, there was no change.

The researchers dutifully recorded their notes on the experiment and talked about ways to change the conditions of the experiment. They decided the easiest change to try first would be to move the subjects to a new location, so they led the rams by leashes into the lab’s kitchen area.

There, one of them put the gourd on the first ram’s head. Nothing. He moved it to the second ram. Nothing. But when he put the gourd on the head of the third ram, the animal became agitated, gesticulating wildly and cursing at the kitchen staff.

And that’s what happens when you put a gourd on Ram C in the kitchen.

Linguinistics.

I’ll show myself out.

Dear Son,

I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man’s brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, “2, 4, 6, 8, 10”.

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.

He says “1, 3, 5, 7, 9”.

Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

He says, “Look. I’m great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she’s ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That’s no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?”

People told me there’s no future in it.

Anthroapology

You really learn to appreciate ancient grease.

Two scientists are studying how far frogs can jump. Their first step was to teach a frog to jump on command. This completed, they yelled jump, and the frog jumped 8 meters. Considering what effect each leg had, they then amputated one leg and yelled jump again. The frog jumped 6 meters. After noting this, they amputated a second leg. After yelling jump, the frog jumps 4 meters. This was such an interesting result that they went on to amputate a third leg. This time, the frog was only able to leap 2 meters. Feeling a breakthrough was coming, they amputated the last leg. Despite yelling jump repeatedly, the frog wouldn’t move. Their conclusions were that amputation of more than 3 legs causes deafness in frogs.

The theory of relativity.

Why?

Because chemistry says that concentration decreases while adding water.

Note: My first attempt. Thanks.

“I’ll take my chances”, he said.

Echonomics

They Kant read

and her name is Brittany!

My brother quickly replied, “what’s her name?”

And I am already half way there.

Study shows that if you say ‘study shows that’ before saying a statement, people are 56% more likely to believe you and this number can increase to 71% if you add a random statistical data and to further amp up this number to 82.3% you can include decimals in that number as well.

Trump must be an expert at studying races.

My chem teacher once asked me what S was on the periodic table, and I didn’t know so I said “the element of Surprise,” apparently he was surprised with my answer.

Their response was, “It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.”

And the result was staggering.

This looks like a math joke until you find out the other 4 people are Mike, Dustin, Lucas and Will.

or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

Maid: “I’d like a raise.”

Mrs. Smith:”Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:”Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you.”

Mrs. Smith:”Who told you that?”

Maid:”Your husband. Second, I clean better than you.”

Mrs. Smith:”Who told you that?”

Maid:”Your husband.Third, I’m better in bed than you are.”

Mrs. Smith:”I suppose my husband said that too?”

Maid:”No, the gardener.”

Mrs. Smith:”How much do you want?”

Because he liked DN-neigh

An American student was studying Russian government.

Hoping to understand another country’s government in familiar terms, he asked his teacher, “Is the Kremlin more like the White House, the Capitol, the Pentagon, or the Supreme Court?”

The teacher replied, “Yes.”

Because that would be putting Descarte before the Horace.

but meh, what’s the point?

Because there is no future in it.

…via Zoom meeting.

Concentration Cramps

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his letter from his dad:

My dear loving son,

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, your Dad

I recently read a scientific study that was performed to investigate the number of birds being found dead in North America.

The scientists collected the dead bodies to keep accurate amounts of the deceased birds.

After months of collection, the scientists realized that nearly every species of bird was present in their collection. The only species that wasn’t present was the North American Crow.

Perplexed, the scientists sought answers, “Why is the North American Crow the only species not dead?”

The scientists discovered that a huge majority of the birds had been killed by vehicles next to major highways. They concluded that the North American Crow was one of the most sophisticated bird species and had developed ways to avoid death.

As it turned out, the North American Crows would station a Crow in a nearby tree, while the other Crows ate carrion or other things near the highway. The Crows would fly away before any vehicles reached them, allowing them to avoid death.

The scientists noticed that when a vehicle was approaching, the Crow in the tree would scream, “Car! Car! Car!”

Incestry

It must have weighed heavily on him.

The attention span.

A new study released today shows that 9 out of 10 people who study sign language says it’s handy

So if you’re a good driver watch out

His brother Frank was an absolute monster.

than the men who mention it

By my calculations, i died in 1872

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

… until I learned there was a stigma attached

Which makes sense. I don’t think I have ever eaten a monkey.

5% of men reported liking long legs. 5% of liked short legs. And the other 90% liked something in between.

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

…everyone knows its 180 degrees inside a triangle, I don’t know why people even bother traveling through it.

Is it called genealogy or geology?

The results were staggering!

The 2 most common resposes were

1. Who are you

2. How did you get in my house

blind people were 100% less likely to see themselves represented in the media

If your parents didn’t have any children, chances are you won’t either.

Replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected,

you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

…just can’t stop.

A new study found

that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits..

And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims..

Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not Bad.