Sponge Jokes

“Do you have any big plans?”, asked the sea urchin.

“Not really,” answered the sponge. “I’m just going to soak up the scenery.”

Water you doing?

It kills me, just think how deep it would be if they didn’t.

Boy says, “Whats that hairy thing mom?”

Mom replies, “That is my sponge.”

“Oh yes,” says the boy, “The babysitters got one, I’ve seen her washing dads face with it.”

The boy sees her bush and asks, “Mommy what is that?” The mother, thinking quickly, simply says, “Why that’s my sponge, sweetie.” The boy then says, “Oh yeah! The babysitter also has one.” Apalled, the mother asks, “How do you know something like that?” The boy responds with, “I know because I saw her washing daddy’s face the other day.”

A loofah

it was very absorbing

“Not labeled for individual sale!!!!!”

Aloofa.

Clam-mydia.

Then he asked if I could use a sponge

sponges didn’t live there?

he was very self absorbed.

They understand coralations!

When we finished, he said, “Next time dad, can you use a sponge?”

He told me, “But I hate SpongeBob…”

I said, “That’s the spirit!”

Thank God for them sponges.

A sponge

They both hit the deck and flop like a fish.

It was wrapped in a waterproof bag. I went in to gaze at the beautiful sealife. When I went back to the surface I noticed some of my clothes were missing.

Let’s see I had 8 shirts, 2 socks, and 9 pants prior to diving and now I have 8 shirts, 2 socks, and 3 pants.

My friend asked me>

Did you see SpongeBob SquarePants?

When they crest a dune and see in front of them some market stalls. They crawl to the first stall and ask for some water but the vendor says “I’m afraid we only sell cake sponge, jelly and custard”.

So, the men crawl to the next stand and ask for water. The stall owner replies “sorry, but I only have custard, sponge and jelly”

They crawl to the final stand and ask, in desperation, for water. The store holder tells the men “I’m only sell jelly, sponge and custard”

Without water, the two men crawl off into the desert once more, in search of water. As they are crawling from the market one man turns to the other and says “is it just me or was that a bit weird” to which the other man replies “yes, it was a trifle bazaar”

Me: Plays three seconds of the SpongeBob Sweet Victory clip.

My Girlfriend: Oooh you dirty tease!

He’s way too self-absorbent

Borrow all the ingredients………

So he says, “Dear me, you poor things, so miserable on such a lovely day as this! Come and have a cup of tea and let’s see if we can’t make you feel better.”

Won over by his twinkly-eyed charm, the three young ladies manage to dry their eyes and they follow him to a chintzy little seaside cafe where he orders a slice of Victoria sponge cake all round and a pot of tea for four.

When the tea and cake arrives, he smiles sweetly and says, “Now, who’s going to be mother?”

And all three young ladies burst into tears again.

A goobernatorial election.

Because he’s squared.

Because it’s full of holes.

A favor for a favor is quid pro quo.

A favor for SpongeBob’s neighbor is squid pro quo.

They put me in the Squid ward.

..but Patrick is the star.

I’m self absorbed

His Absorbance Had No Correlation To His Concentration.

A beautiful girl approached me and told me that i was handsome and that I would look more attractive if I bought sponges she was selling.

I have never been so insulted in my life. To think that I would fall for such an act. I just just stand here laughing thinking how ridiculous it is while I wash the dishes with my new sponge

Finding no salvation anywhere, they kept walking, and eventually saw something on the horizon.

Initially, they thought it to be a mirage, a hallucination brought on by their dehydration. But as they got closer, it became apparent that it was not a mirage, but instead a marketplace. They decided to stop at the first stall, and ask for some water.

They arrive at the first stall, and say to the manager,

“Listen, we’re going to die of dehydration if we don’t get water soon. We really need some, but we have no money. However, we could pay for it in other ways. Can you give us some water, please?”

The manager replies, “No, sorry, I don’t have any water. However, what I do have is this sponge cake, topped with jelly and fruit.” The men decline this desert, and go to the next stall.

At the next stall, the men again ask, “Can you give us some water? We desperately need it, but can’t pay for it with money. However, we can work the debt off. What do you say?”

The owner says, “Sorry, I can’t do that for you, as this stall has no water to sell. However, I can offer you this sponge cake, topped with fruit and jelly.” Again, the men decline the cake, and head to the next stall.

Here, they are becoming a bit frustrated, and simply sat, “Look mate, we’re dying of thirst. Do you have any water for us?”

“No,” says the owner. “But what I do have is this sponge cake, covered with not only fruit and jelly, but also whipped cream!”

The men go to every stall in the market, but none of them have any water for them. Yet, they are all stocked with sponge cakes, topped with jelly and fruit.

Eventually, the men make it out, and continue walking. One of them looks back, and says,

“That was a bit odd, wasn’t it? A marketplace, in the middle of the desert, and yet they only had sponge cake deserts!”

“Yeah,” the other said. “It’s a trifle bazaar.”

Because she likes her vegetables at the peak of freshness

SpongeBob:

Patrick:

Squidward:

Sandy:

Plankton:

Gary:

Mr. Krabs: Lust, sloth, wrath, pride, envy, gluttony, and greed

Two. One to hold the sponge, and one to drive the car back and forth.

Now my sponge can cut through glass

We called him Martin Loofah King.

Martin Loofah King

It was a Victoria sponge, but I tripped over the bloody dog.

Blenkinsop says “Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we’re finished,” and Carruthers says “You’re probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what’s over the next sand-dune.”

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to be an Arab market in the distance, and they make for it with the last of their strength. On arriving, they go to the first stall, and they say to the stallholder “Good day to you, and have you any water for sale?”

“No,” says the stallholder, “but what I do have is these delicious desserts. Consider this glorious bottom layer composed of fruits and sponge cake, the middle layer of exquisite custard, and the topping of whipped cream and multi-coloured sugar strands – is it not a sight to gladden the eye?”

And the travellers agree but regretfully concede that it would only make them all the thirstier, so they go on to the next stall. As before they ask for water, but all the stallholder has for sale is another such dessert as the first vendor was selling – a confection of sponge cake and fruit and sugar and custard and cream which, regretfully, does not answer their need for drinking water at all.

And it’s the same story at every other stall in the market: a score of different variations on the same dessert theme, and not a drop of water to be had.

Eventually the two Englishmen are forced to concede that there is probably no hope for them here and they set off into the desert once more, and Carruthers says, “Well, it looks like we are done for indeed, but I have to say, Blenkinsop, that was most strange, wouldn’t you say?”

And Blenkinsop says “Yes – it was a trifle bazaar.”

My friend Robert (Bob, if you want) took some stuff to the dry cleaner the other day. Nothing out of the ordinary: some shirts, a jacket, and his favorite pair of shorts. Now, you should know: Robert isn’t the fittest of my friends — he’s what we affectionately refer to as “husky”, and IMO the shorts he likes to wear don’t help him avoid looking like a cubist version of a human.

So he goes back to the dry cleaner two days later, and the owner told him they had a problem with the shorts: like I said, Robert’s a larger guy. His shorts are larger too, almost as wide as they are long. So apparently the dry cleaner is having an issue removing a certain stain from the shorts, and Robert isn’t happy about it. He’s yelling at the owner, telling him that he shouldn’t market himself as a dry cleaner if he isn’t going to CLEAN the clothes. That’s when the owner hands him a brochure about this brand new method of dry cleaning, where they actually use sponges in the cleansing process; the owner mentions it because he’s pretty sure that the sponging process will help remove the stain from Robert’s shorts. After a minute of looking at the brochure, Robert agrees to try the new method. So the owner yells to his assistant in the back:

“SPONGE BOB’S SQUARE PANTS.”

America has no hero that we can target… It’s a huge country but no real heroes… Who are we going to assassinate there? Spiderman? SpongeBob?