Spear Jokes

I mean, it’s got a point.

A hole-y knight

It had two more points.

but I broke my spear so there was no point.

A very painful ex-spear-ience.

they can hardly see your point.

I got shafted.

You can’t throw a Lance.

Whoa, put the spear down buddy!

It wasn’t very productive, but at least I got my point across.

He runs it through the Wash

The spear actually has a point

They say is just another one of my Kahn spear I see theories.

That’s the last time I ask Joss Whedon to wash it for me.

Never go hunting for buffalo with a dull spear, it is pointless.

The man thought to himself, “I’m so screwed!” To his surprise, a bright light came from the heavens and a deep voice said to him “Not yet my son, listen very carefully: what you have to do is; run up to the chief of the tribe, kick him in the nuts, and take his spear. As soon as you take his spear, kill his only son with it.” Without thinking twice, the man did as he was told. As he put the spear through the young cannibal’s heart, the bright light appeared again and the deep voice said to him, “Now you’re screwed.”

I came back the following week and I saw the same statue, but the spear had gone.

I thought maybe someone had gotten hurt on it and the spear was taken down, but honestly I don’t know.

It’s just one of my wild Khan’s-spear-I-see theories.

Hiding on top of a tree by a busy trail, the father and son are sizing up their potential meals. The son was always eager to jump whenever someone walks by, but always the patient father held him back for various reasons : too many ppl in a group. Too strong a target. Too risky etc.

Finally a thin frail old lady walked by alone, wobbling on her cane, ready for the picking. Excited for his first successful hunt, the son was ready to throw his spear when his dad stopped him,

“Patience son. Look at her. All sinew and bones. It won’t make any meal for us and your mother.”, Said the father, barely looking up from his perch.

Shortly after, a lone plump woman appeared, barely able to drag her weight along.

“How bout this dad ! She would feed us for weeks !” Chirped the young cannibal as he readies his spear. But again, the father stopped him.

“No son, the fats from her would be too unhealthy for us. We would die if we ate her. ” explained the dad.

Finally, a stunning young lady appears, sashaying down the trail. The father straightened his posture, eyes lit up. The son sensing his father’s readiness, brandished his spear and said,

“All right dad ! She’s perfect. Not too thin or fat. Let’s eat her !”

But again his dad stopped him.

“No! We capture her alive. We’re eating your mom instead !”

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

“Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?” Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.

Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

“To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy about it? As a punishment, keep him in chains, and every day make him fight armed opponents, using only the minimum of weapons! Report back to me in a week, we’ll see if he’s still smiling.”

The guards dragged the man off. He was still smiling. As they were commanded, each day they made the prisoner fight. On the first day, armed with only a net and stick, he fought an opponent with a spear. On the next day, with only a small rope, he fought two swordsmen. And so on, he was forced to fight every day.

At the end of the week, the prisoner was in a real sorry state. He could barely blink, let alone smile.

The head guard came to Caesar. “Oh Caeser, I have come to report on the prisoner. We made him fight each day, using the most basic weapons, like a, er, you know, whaddaya call it?”

“Gladiator?” said Caeser.

The guard snickered. “No, he actually quite regrets it.”

One has a spear, one has a hand grenade, and the last one has a bomb. The first man throws the spear from the plane and then parachutes down to where it landed. After landing he finds a kid crying and says “Kid, why are you crying?” And through tears the kid says “A spear came down from the sky and killed my dog!”

The second man drops the grenade and parachutes down to where it exploded on the ground. After landing he finds a kid crying and says “Kid, why are you crying?” And the kid says “Something came down from the sky and blew up my cat!”

The third guy drops the bomb. Then he parachutes down to where it blew up and finds a kid laughing and says “Kid, why are you laughing?” And the kid says “I farted and my neighbor’s house blew up!”

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting “I don’t give two hoots for your shoes man, I’ll go and kill my own “croc!,” to which the shopkeeper replied, “by all means, just watch out for those two “ole boys” who are doing the same!”.

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. ‘They must be the ‘ole boys’ he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed “Darn! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”.

So I went to a secluded tribe in the Amazon, and their warriors were not at all keen to see me.

One ran up to me with a spear and said “I will stab you if you don’t leave”.

But I stood my ground, grabbed the spear, and told him that “violence is never the answer”.

He looked at me and, sheepishly, admitted, “OK, point taken”.

A nun with a spear through her head.

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, “Watch this!”

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, “I got this!” and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind.

The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His 2 friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital.

After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears.

“well, I have good news and I have bad news.” he said.

“The good news is your friend is going to live.”

“The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

One evening, a Native American chief sat down to eat dinner with his wife and three sons. The youngest son, asked his dad how he was named because his friend, Sharp Spear, told him that his name came from what his dad is known for- sharpening spears for the village men. The chief looked at his son, and told him the following, “Son, on the night your mother and I decided to have a third child, we were out in the woods. When we finished the deed required to have another child- we saw a strong buffalo running out in front of the rest. We then decided our child would be named Running Buffalo. That’s how you were named.”

This excited the child and also the middle son, who decided to inquire too. He asked his father how he was named. The chief spoke, “Shooting Star, you’re quite a magnificent story. The night your mother and I made you, a bright red shooting star went across the summer sky. We then knew at that moment, you would be named Shooting Star.”

The middle son boasted proudly that he had a great story for his name. The oldest son then looked at his dad. Before he could ask the chief, the chief spoke, “Listen here Busted Rubber…”

How do Reavers clean their spears?

They put them through the Wash.

Sorry.

Shake-A-Spear!

A priest/whatever was teaching a tribe to be civilized. He taught them all the manners and etiquettes. Finally, he decided to teach them English.

He took the village head and walked around the forest.

He pointed at a tree and said “tree”. The Elder nodded and the priest was pleased that he understood.

He walked further and pointed and said “flower”. The Elder nodded.

Further still, he came across a couple who were doing something very…er.. “heavy and hot”.

The priest, blushing, turned away and said that it is called “riding a bicycle”.

The elder took out his spear and threw it and killed the man in the couple.

The priest was shocked.

GOOD LORD!

Why did you do that? I’ve spent years teaching you to be civilized and you all were doing so well, why did you kill that man?

The elder simply said:

“Riding my bicycle”.

Shakespeare

They run them through the Wash 🙁

Britanny Spears.

The vendor drops a kosher beef hot dog into a seed-covered bun and tops it with yellow mustard, chopped white onions, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices, relish, hot peppers, celery salt, and black pepper.

The monk hands over a $100 bill and takes the hot dog. The vendor takes the note and smiles. “Have a nice day!”.

The monk is confused. “Pardon me, what about my change?”

The vendor answers with a bow: “Change only comes from within.”

And it’s been days with no food. They’ve tried snare traps, they’ve tried fishing with spears. Still nothing. Each night as they light their campfire, they cautiously cook plants, but within hours they are sick. Finally, one of the guys says, “let’s try eating wood.” He starts breaking up pieces of branches but just before he starts to cook them his friend exclaims, “STOP!”

“That’s a non-stick pan”

They have both speared a dragon.

Shake-spear

Oh the iron-y

.. when they get there saint peter tells them he can grant them to be reincarnated as anyone they want for 6 months. The first nun walks up and said “I want to be a young and beautiful Brittany Spears” ((snap)) she disappeared.. the second nun walks up and says “I want to be Janet Jackson with lungs of steel” ((snap)) she disappeared.. the 3rd nun is an old Italian lady and says ” *I want to be Alaska pippilinni*” “I’m sorry sister, who?” “*Alaska pippilinni*” “I’m sorry sister please show me who” the 3rd nun holds up a newspaper with the title “ALASKA PIPELINE LAID BY 500 MEN IN 6 MONTHS”

Y’know. The Brittany Spears?

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got above a certain score.

Everything goes smoothly and Fruit Ninja rents a huge outdoor space to host all of these different stations on the day of the event. The most popular one has to be the Katana Strawberry, with an estimated wait time of 2 hours. That is followed by the Tonfa Watermelon and the Spear Apple, with wait times lasting 1 hours and 30 minutes respectively.

Generally all of the stations are doing very well, but there’s one where the crowd gathered appears to be more confused than anything. It’s a green fruit but with no physical weapon in sight. Speculation spreads among the crowd, with theories ranging from “it’s not one of the stations” to “somebody must have stolen the weapon”.

However, one of the people in the crowd manages to pull over a Fruit Ninja employee to ask them what’s going on.

The employee takes one look at the station and sighs, “I told them from the beginning that we should have ditched this idea or put up signs, because people are going to wonder about the lack of a weapon.”

He continues, “Yeah, it’s a really bad Punch Lime.”

Baby One More Time

Person 2: Who’s there?

Person 1: Britney Spears

Person 2: Britney Spears who?

Person 1: Knock knock

Person 2: Who’s there?

Person 1: Oops I did it again!

She hit her baby one more time

“I’m not a boy, not yet a woman”

“Oops, audited again”

But oops, I did it again.

But she cancelled at the last minute.

And for good reason; it’s a catchy song