Snail Jokes

One day Ronald answered a knick at his door. He opened to find a snail. Disgusted, he flicked it off the stoop.

Three weeks later, there’s another knock at his door.

He opens to find the same snail.

“What’d you do that for??!!” the snail yells.

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?”

The snail sits down on a bar stool and orders a double Jack & Coke. The bartender says, “sorry, we have a strict policy on no snails in this bar”…. so then the bartender kicks the snail out.

5 days later, the snail comes back in, sits on a bar stool and says to the bartender “what the f*ck did you do that for”?

and purchases a car, proceeds to ask the salesman to put eggs on the front, eggs on the roof, and eggs on the trunk.

Bewildered the salesman ask, excuse but why would you want to put eggs all over your car.

Snail replies, because when I drive down the road very fast I want people to say,

“Hey look at that eggs car go”

A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car, and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed. He slaps the roof of one, and says “this is the last one that’s built for speed”. The snail says, “This is perfect, but there’s one thing I want you to do first.” The car salesman was confused. “What?” The snail said, “I want you to paint a big red S on it.” The car salesman was even more confused. “Why?” Chuckling, the snail said, “So when people see me driving, they would say ‘look at that S car go!’”

MESHELL!

Police come and asks the snail “can you tell us what happened?” Snail says I don’t know man it all happened so fast.

A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says “Can you describe the guy?” The snail says “I don’t know . . . it all happened so fast.”

A snailor.

This is an old joke my father used to tell me.

A German, Spaniard, and Frenchman all decide to go snail hunting. After an hour had passed they meet back together to compare their catch. The German had a full bucket and the Spaniard had half a bucket, but the Frenchman’s bucket was empty. >

“Where are your snails?”

“I found a lot of them, but every time I leaned over to grab one, WHOOOOOSH it was gone”

Once a tortoise and a snail bumped into each other.

The snail was profusely injured and was taken to the hospital emergency.

When the snail was in a position to talk, he was surrounded by members of the press asking him

“Mr. Snail, could ypu please tell us how this happened?”.

The snail replied in a frail voice…

“Oh, i cant be too sure, it all happened so fast!”

Hang on Fred here we go!

A snail goes to a car meet.

Another snail goes up to him and says

“Sweet ride, is this yours?”

1st snail responds

“naw, it was my friend’s. He passed away last year.”

2nd snail says.

“Damn, my condolences. He has great taste though. “

1st snail then says

“yeah, escargots 0-60kph in less than 2 seconds.”

A slug.

He requests a new paint job. The body guy asks what he wants, and the snail says, “Give me a handsome burgundy paint job with a special detail on it. Paint the letter S all over it in yellow gold.”

The body tech thinks this is an unusual request, but hey, it’s money. The snail returns later that week to pick up his car.

The technician says, “May I ask why you wanted S’s all over your car?”

The snail says, “When I’m driving around town, everyone will say, ‘Look at that S car go!”

This guy and his wife lived somewhere where it was fairly common to go out and gather snails and cook them as a delicacy.

So they were having a dinner party, and the wife asks the husband to go get some snails to serve as appetizers. He takes a bucket and goes out and sets about his task. r>

As his bucket was almost half full of snails, a most gorgeous lady stop by and starts chatting to him.

One thing leads to another, and yes, you guessed it, the guy ends going back to the lady’s place, and in bed with her, having the most passionate night of his life. He completely forgets about his wife, the dinner party, the snails…

Early morning he leaps out of bed in horror as the enormity of what he had just done hits him. He grabs the bucket of snails which he had left by the door and rushes frantically home.

He trips on the front door threshold and the snails spill out behind him.

He looks up and his wife is waiting at the top of the stairs, looking absolutely furious.

Panicking he looks back at the snails spread out over the door steps and calls out “come along now, we’re almost there”.

Nice house bro!

The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him “do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?”

The snail said “No I don’t. It happened so fast:-(”

So a snail walks into a car shop and buys a fancy sports car. He asks the painter to put a big S on the front, the back, and both sides. The painter asks why and the snail replies, “so when I drive past people they can say ‘“look at that escargot!’”

3 years passed. One of the snail friends said ”he still hasn’t returned, we might as well drink his beer”. Suddenly a voice from the door yelled, ”if you touch my beer, I won’t be buying you guys any chewing gum!”.

“Our restaurant’s snails are world-famous.”

“I know, one of them’s just been serving me.”

Whenever people saw him zooming past, they would say, “Hey, look at that S-Car Go”

One evening, a lady sends her husband to get snails for dinner. The man picks up the snails but realises that his girlfriend’s house is closeby and decided to pay a visit for a small session. This ends up becoming a steamy event that goes all night long. The man wakes up in the morning in a panic and races back to the house. At the gate, he trips and falls face first letting go of the box which has the snails in them which fall out of the box onto the floor. The wife, already fuming and expecting an explanation, comes out of the house hearing the commotion. The man gets up, looks at her and then at the snails, and says

“Come on, you can’t be this slow, we are almost there”

” Wheeeeeeeee”

By some quirk of fortune a snail gained sentience and ended up winning the lottery. With his new found wealth he was pondering what to do so he hatched a plan. He headed off down to his nearest Porsche dealership and when he arrived 2 weeks later he crawled up to the salesman.

“excuse me” the snail said “I would like to purchase your fastest Porsche please”

After getting over the shock of seeing a talking snail, the salesman said “and how would you, a snail, pay for one of our cars”

The snail, being smart, had thought of this and had dragged a suitcase of cash behind him, presenting this to the salesman made things go much faster and pretty soon the snail found himself in the process of ordering one of the fastest cars the dealership could offer.

“there is one thing” the snail said, “I would like a custom paint job on my car please”.

“well” said the dealer “we can do that, it just takes an extra few thousand dollars and 4-6 weeks, what would you like?”

“the money and time is no issue”, said the snail, “what I would like is for the car to be bright red in color, but can you please paint a great big ‘S’ on the roof in yellow paint, and then can you paint a great big ‘S’ on the drivers side, and passenger side doors please”.

well this was an unusual request, but hell, this was a car for a snail so it wasn’t the most unusual part of the deal so it was agreed. The snail headed off home and then when he got there he turned around and came back to pick up his car.

Arriving to pick up his car he was pleased to see that it was bright red in color, with a big yellow S on the doors, and a big yellow S on the roof.

“well here you go” said the salesman, “we were wondering though.. why do you want the big yellow S on the door and roof, is it for snail?”.

“no” said the snail.. ” you see.. I asked for the fastest car you have, and I plan on driving it down the freeway and going past all the other drivers.. and when they see me going past them at a breakneck speed, I want them to look to their friends and say ‘wow!!! look at that S car go….'”

A salesman asks how he can help. The snail says, “I want a Model S.”

The salesman scoffs and says, “You’re a *snail.* Why would you want a Tesla Model S?”

The snail sadly replies, “Nobody ever pays attention or even notices me. I can’t seem to make friends or meet girls. I figure if they see me speeding by in my Tesla, they’ll finally say, “Wow! Look at that S car go!”

An old snail walks into a car dealership and tells the salesman he’s looking for the flashiest, most expensive sports car he’s got. The old snail explains he’s been working hard and saving his whole life and this car is to be his reward.

The salesman is thrilled and shows the old snail a bright yellow two-door convertible, their top of the line model, fully loaded.

“It’s perfect,” the old snail exclaims, “I’ll take it. But first, I’d like you to paint a big letter S on the hood, and one on the trunk and each of the doors.”

The salesman, happy to earn commission on the most expensive car on the lot but puzzled by the request says to the old snail, “of course we can do that for you, but are you sure you want to paint letters on a car? What if it lowers the value?”

So the old snail replies, “listen, my whole life I’ve been slow and boring, nobody has ever noticed me. But when people see me drive by in this beauty, they’re all gonna say:

“Wow, look at that S car go.”

for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn’t take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.

“I want the fastest sports car you have,” he told the salesman, “and make sure to paint a huge ‘S’ on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail’s car!”

So now, every time Mr Snail drives past the insects, speeding like a maniac, all the insects look and say: “Wow, look at that ‘S’ car go!”

A snail walks into a car dealership. The snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing multiple brands he decides on one.

The rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships salesman and says “I want you to paint big S’s all along this car, big S’s on the front, the sides, the back, the top, big S’s everywhere. The auto body guy tells him he can do it, but can’t help but ask the snail why he wants big S’s all over the car.

So the snail answers him “It’s simple: When I launch past people on the highway they will say “Look at that S car go!”

A husband and wife have been at odds with each other over the husband’s endless drinking and stopping out late. To get their marriage back on track, the wife decides to make a romantic french dinner with Snails to start so she sends her husband out saying ‘right, please can you buy me these snails from town, be back home soon and, for god’s sake, stay out of the pub!’.

The Husband obliges and after buying the snails, decides he’s probably be okay just to stop by the pub only for a quick drink. Well, one leads to another, and another and another and before long it’s well past dinner time. Looking at his watch he quickly realises he should have been back hours ago, panicking he dashes home and throws all the snails across the garden path. His wife greets him at the door looking furious saying ‘Where on earth have you been!?’ to which the husband responds ‘Come on Lads! We’re almost there!’.

its friends were looking for

revenge, so they wanted to know,

“Did you get a good look at the turtles

who did this to you?”

“No,” the snail answered, “it all

happened so fast.”

They slug it out.

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged

When he got to the front desk he said

“ excuse me officer but I have been mugged by 2 tortoises “”

The officer said

“ can you describe the incident “

The snail said

“ no officer sorry , it happened so fast””

I love Michelle

The host asks him, “And what are you?”

The guy says, ” I’m a snail.”

The host says “And who’s that on your back?”

“That’s Michelle!”

So he employs a pit crew, a coach, and a designer. The designer paints a big ‘S’ on the side of his vehicle which the snail highly approves of.

He tries out at a local track, and starts overtaking all the other amateurs much faster than anyone else.

The coach stares and says ‘Look at that S-Car-Go!”

Snail One: How are you doing?

Snail Two: I had to have my shell removed today.

Snail One: So how are you finding it?

Snail Two: I feel a bit sluggish.

Because he couldn’t get out of his shell

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, “Wouldn’t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?” He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no!!! My wife’s dinner party!!!”

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!!”

Being a little bit of a cheapskate he thinks of walking down to the beach with a bucket to collect snails.

As he’s strolling down the beach picking them up the most beautiful woman in the world walks towards him. She stops and asks him about the snail picking. They hit it off and he’s swept off his feet. One thing leads to another and she takes him back to her beach house where they make passionate love for several hours.

The man wakes up in a panic, remembering his wife. He grabs the bucket and dashes back down the beach and up to his house. As he reaches the door he trips and drops the bucket and the snails go everywhere.

As he looks up his wife wrenches open the door and glares at him. Before she can open her mouth to shout at himhHe looks down at the snails and says “Nearly there lads, just a few more steps to go!”

it was a slugfest

Es cargo.

Nothing….Let them slug it out.

“So what the hell are you supposed to be?” the host asked.

“I’m a snail.” The bloke replied.

“What a load of rubbish!” the host spat. “How can you be a snail when all you’ve got is that girl on your back?”

“That’s not a any girl, mate,” the bloke replied, “that’s Michelle”.

“I expect ya back in an hour as the bread’s already bakin’ and the wine’s already breathin’ on the table” says his wife .

The bloke walks down the path towards town and the local market. Upon arriving he finds the snails, and he spends a good five minutes picking out the biggest and juiciest ones. The cashier rings him up and hands him his snails in a brown paper sack.

As he heads back to the home he passes by a pub and decides to head in for one quick drink, since he still had forty five minutes to be home.

Two hours later he realizes he’s late, throws some money on the counter, and rushes out the door while exclaiming “Oh Lord help me I’m late, the Mrs. is going to kill me!”

As he reaches the gate to the house he trips and falls and the snails go everywhere on the ground.

His wife, hearing the commotion outside, slams open the front door, sees her husband, and with the look of hell to pay she says “You’re two hours late! What’s your excuse?! It had better be a good ‘un!”

The bloke, in his drunken state, looks at the snails, looks back at his angry wife, looks back at the snails, and says “Alright lads! Five more feet…we’re nearly there!”

Walk! Walk for your lives!

Wins the Power Ball Jackpot and he buys a racing car.

He paints a big S on the side and he takes it out for a few laps.

He is not happy at all, and he hires a mechanic to make it faster.

The mechanic says “So how fast do you want it to be?”

Sammy says “I want people to say ‘Man look at that S car go!’ ”

and he asks “What’s the fastest car in this place?”

The car dealer takes him to a super-fast Lamborghini. “This one right here, it will do two-hundred eighty kilometres per hour.”

“And do you do custom paint jobs?” The snail asked.

“Yes sir, absolutely anything for our customers.” The dealer replies.

“Then I want a huge ‘S’ painted on every side of this car. The hood, the doors, the roof, the back… I want people to be able to see the ‘S’ from every angle.” The snail demands.

“Of course, sir. May I ask why?” The dealer asked.

“So when I go past people can say ‘Man, look at that S car go!!!’.”

Escargo

The dealer is longwindedly going on about all his options and the snail says he doesn’t care what car it is, he just wants the fastest one on the lot.

The dealer takes him to the fastest car they have and the snail only has one question, “Would it be possible to get the letter ‘S’ painted onto all sides of the vehicle?”

The dealer said “Yes, that could be arranged for a fee but if I may ask why ‘S’?”

The snail replies “When I pass people on the freeway I want them to look at me and say ‘Wow, look at that ‘S’ car go!’”

Escargot pants

In the car dealership, the salesperson asked what kind of car he wanted. The snail didn’t specify any colors, brand, or design because all he wanted was a very fast car. However, the snail did have one odd request. The snail wanted a giant letter “S” painted on each side of the car. When the salesperson asked why he wanted the “S”, the snail said he wanted people to say: “Wow, look at that S car go.”

… so he decides it’s time to get a car. He doesn’t have a lot of money so he buys a used French sedan. The snail is so impressed how fast he gets around town.

From place to place he wizzes by this slug, beetle and worm friends. While that car isn’t a racer by any means, the snail doesn’t know the difference.

One day he’s passed by a car that easily overtakes him. As the car blows by he sees an “S” next to the model make. Mr. Snail thinks, “that S must stand for “snail”. If I get one, I can go even faster! Slug, beetle and worm won’t know what’s coming!”

He takes his old French car to the shop and tells the mechanic that he needs to have an “S” put on his car. Doesn’t care the price, he’s convinced that this is going to help him go faster. The mechanic tries to tell him otherwise but in the end, he agrees and installs an over sized “S” on the rear next to the model name.

Mr. Snail can’t wait to fly around town. Up and down the street, he’s moving like never before. Whizzing past slug, beetle and worm, the three of them look at each other and say “whoa- look at that “S” car go”.

On giant’s fingers

I’ll see myself out

When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

We don’t know. It hasn’t made it across yet.

L’ess cargo.

You know, snail racing!

You draw a small ring inside larger ring and everyone puts their snail inside the small ring and the first snail to reach the outer ring wins!

Been losing alot latley and been trying everything to make my snail faster, even tried taking off his shell.

But it just made him sluggish

I bought a racing snail but it kept losing. In desperation I removed it’s shell, thinking it would be lighter and faster.

It didn’t work, it became more sluggish.

He looks into the socket.

Jacque is a snail. Snails are not known for their excessive speed. Jacque has always dreamed of going fast, faster than any snail ever has before. Jacque has been saving his money for years so he can buy a super fast sports car and impress all his little snail friends.

Finally, Jacque goes down to the Porsche dealer. He sees a beautiful car, the Boxster. He tells the dealer, “I like that one.” The dealer laughs and says, “My dear snail, don’t you want to go fast? You need the Porsche Boxster-S!” He seems very proud of the S. Jacque agrees, and finally he is sitting in the car of his dreams, a Boxster-S. He pays for it. Cash, because this snail don’t play around. He’s ready to take his brand new sports car for a speedy run down the coast.

As he is driving, going well over 100 mph, much faster than any snail in the history of snails has ever gone, he flies past two French people walking on the side of the road. One Frenchman says to the other, “Wow! Look at that S-car go!”

A-Bologna!

When he was interviewed by the police, He said ‘ I don’t know, it happened so fast’

There is this Snail named Stanley.

On his 16th birthday he asks his dad for a new car

His dad says “yeah ok you’ve been a good snail”

So they go to the car dealership and they pick out a bright red sports car. But Stanley wants more, he wants everyone to think ,”that’s Stanley’s car” So he gets his car detailed with the letter ‘S’ all around his car. S for Stanley. One day Stanley’s car FLYS by And it’s going super fast. And one guy says to the other “look at that S car go”

Because they don’t like fast food.

Nothing… they’re eye-tentacle.

He was really slow like, so one day I took off his shell, thought it’d make him more streamlined. Turns out it didn’t. It made him more sluggish.

Because slugs don’t wear protection.

He said that it is a slow moving business

That’s M’Shell on my back

They can’t stand fast food.

It’s my first post on Reddit. Hope you like it.

He was friends with a worm named Juan.

One day, he told Juan,” You know, I’m gonna buy myself a nice sports car, with an S on the hood, for Sam!”

“No way, you can’t afford that!” Juan said.

That afternoon, Juan couldn’t believe his eyes! Driving down the boulevard was Sam in his sweet ride with a fat S on the hood. Juan turned to an oncoming pedestrian and said, “Wow! Look at that S car go!”

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he’s a little sluggish.

The Jellyfish says, “This is impossible”.

So they decided to enter an auto race. Instead of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large ‘S’ on it, for snail.

When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.

The spectators marveled “Wow, look at that S car go!”

Now I’m being haunted by an escarghost.

… was horrible at racing. It was just a bit too slow and kept getting edged out by the other snails at the finish line.

So, I removed its shell to reduce weight and hopefully make it a bit faster…

but the damn thing just got even more sluggish.

Because it makes escargot.

It only made them more sluggish.

They were moving really slow. Then I thought if I remove their shells then they would go faster, but if anything they were more sluggish

The snail won by two weeks.

I thought it would make it faster, but if anything it’s more sluggish.