Riverbed Jokes

In the riverbed

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he stumbles down a riverbed and bumps into a preacher who is baptizing people. The startled preacher turns around and is overwhelmed by the smell of alcohol. He asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk answers, “Yes, I am.” So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother, have you found Jesus?” The drunk replies, “No, I have not found Jesus.” The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls the intoxicated man out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus?” By this time, the preacher is at his wits end, so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, he quickly pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?” The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

“I need a horse, but I’m short on cash. What can I get for $25?” the cowboy asks the owner.

“Well, for fifteen I can give you ‘ol Bill. He’s seen a few years but he’s still a fast horse” replies the owner.

“Why so cheap then?”

“Well, he ain’t so good at listening. You see, he gets his Whoas and Giddy-ups mixed-up.”

“You’re kidding? Well, I don’t have much choice. Here’s $15, friend.”

After he’d payed for the horse the owner went out to the stable to get Bill. When he came back, the cowboy could see that Bill was indeed old, but had very strong legs. After preparing the saddle, the cowboy hopped on Bill.

“Alright, Bill. Giddy-up!”

Bill would not move, not a twitch from his ears.

“C’mon Bill! Giddy-up!” he clicked, kicking the horse with his spurs.

Bill wouldn’t budge. Not a swish from his tail. Remembering what the owner had said, the cowboy adjusted his reins and called…

“Whoa, Bill!”

Bill’s ears perked, and he flew out of the barn like a bat out of hell. Horse and rider were outside the town in seconds, with a huge dust cloud trailing behind them. Off they went, flying over the Arizona hills. The cowboy could barely hold on to his reins; his feet flailing out behind the stirrups.

Over the next hill the cowboy could see that Bill was running them straight towards the edge of the Grand Canyon. He pulled back on the reins.

“Whoa, Bill! Whoa!” he cried.

Bill kept running. The edge of the precipice coming closer.

“Whoa, Bill! Stop, damn it!”

He suddenly recalled what the owner had said about Bill’s mixed-up directions. Taking a deep breath the cowboy closed his eyes and shouted “Giddy-up, Bill!”

Bill came to an abruptly fast stop, just one horse-step away from certain death. The cowboy nearly vaulted over Bill into the vast gorge. Bill panted with exhaustion while the cowboy wiped his brow with his kerchief. From atop Bill, he looked down into the canyon at the dry riverbed far below.

“Whoa, Bill. That was *clo–*

Though not exactly rich, he did well by himself, and worked hard and well at his job. One day, he received news that it looked like his business was going to be shut down. Mike worried about it, working harder, but his job closed just the same and, after a month out of work, he was low on finances and it looked that the bank was about to foreclose on his house.

In desperation, he dropped to his knees and prayed “God, I know we don’t talk much, but I’m in a big way here. Please let me win the lottery, and I’ll go to church every Sunday and pray before every meal.”

Sadly, he didn’t win the lottery, and the bank foreclosed on his house, leaving him with just his car. He lived out of his car for a while, but with no shower and a limited wardrobe, he was unable to get a job. Eventually, his bank notified him that, unless he was able to continue paying off his car, they would have to confiscate it. Once again, Mike dropped to his knees and prayed.

“Father, I can’t afford to lose my car. If I lose this, I lose all I have! Please let me win the lottery!”

But Mike didn’t win the lottery this time either, and the bank took his car. Homeless and on the streets, Mike wandered for a time, before eventually contracting pneumonia. Down at the edge of the riverbed, with no way to pay for medicine or treatment, he gave one last bitter prayer.

“God, I’m going to die here. The money would fix all my problems, and I’d be able to get on my feet again. Please, let me win the lottery!”

There was a peal of thunder and the ground shook. The clouds rolled back, and a brilliant light shone from the heavens. A voice, rich and powerful, spoke from the clouds.

“Mike, meet me half way. At least buy a ticket.”