Recess Jokes

Little Mohammed goes to the swings and asks Little Jack if he can play on the swings too.

“No, go away,” replied Little Jack. “You’re different and weird.”

A bit shaken, Little Mohammed goes to ask Little Suzie if he can play with her on the monkey bars.

“No thanks, I’d rather not,” replied Little Suzie. “You’re different, and that’s weird.”

So Little Mohammed goes to sit alone and watch the other children play.

Once recess has ended and all of the children go back to class, the teacher announces a surprise quiz:

“Children, today we are having a surprise spelling quiz. One by one, I will go around the room and ask what you did during recess. I’ll then choose something from your activities to for you to spell. If you spell it correctly, I’ll reward you with a cookie.”

The teacher asks around the room, one by one and finally gets to the final three students.

“What did you do for recess Jack?”

“I played on the swings!” He replies.

“That sounds like fun, if you can spell ‘swings’, I’ll give you a cookie!”

“S-W-I-N-G-S” He announces.

“Very good,” says the teacher, handing over Little Jack’s prize.

“And what did you do, Suzie?”

“I played on the monkey bars!” She replies.

“That sounds like great exercise, if you can spell ‘monkey’, I’ll give you a cookie!”

“M-O-N-K-E-Y” She announces.

“Very good,” says the teacher, handing over Little Suzie’s prize.

“And what did you do Mohammed?” asks the teacher.

“I sat by myself, and watched the other children play…” He says sadly.

“And why is that, Mohammed?”

“Because I asked Jack and Suzie if I could play with them and they both said no, because I’m different…”

“Well then,” Says the teacher. “That’s just blatant-racial-discrimination.”

Little Mohammed nods.

“If you can spell ‘blatant-racial-discrimination’ I’ll give you a cookie!”

When they get into the classroom, teacher says:

‘Alright, we have a new student today, so we’ll start this class nice and easy with a small discussion – what did you do during recess?’

The new student looked very nervous, so the teacher decided to start with someone else.

‘How about you start us off Tim.’

‘I was blowing bubbles’ said Tim.

‘Very nice!’ said the teacher. ‘Jerry, how about you?’

‘I was also blowing bubbles’ said Jerry.

‘Oh, nice!’ said the teacher. ‘Now, how about our new student– oh I’m sorry, I believe I’ve forgotten your name. Would you remind me?’

‘My name is Chris’ he says, ‘But for some reason, everyone keeps calling me Bubbles.’

4^2

A teacher asked two of her students a girl, and a boy, what they did during recess.

Girl: I was blowing Bubbles!

Boy: I was blowing Bubbles too!

The teacher then noticed another boy walking into her class from recess she did not recognize. She asked, “You must be new, What’s your name?”

The boy replied with a smile: My name is Bubbles!

Once they all sat down the teacher grabbed a piece a chalk and walked to the chalkboard. “Jimmy, what did you do for recess?” Jimmy replied, “I played in the sandbox.” “Very good, the teacher said, If you can come to the board and spell sand I will give you a cookie”. Jimmy approaches the board and correctly spells sand.

After Jimmy sits down the teacher calls the next student. “Sarah, what did you do for recess?” Sarah replied, “I played in the sandbox with Jimmy.” Teacher says “Great, if you can come to the board and spell box I will give you a cookie” Sarah spells box correctly and retrieves her prize.

Finally the teacher turns to Muhammad, she asks “Muhammad what did you do for recess?” Well, explained Muhammad, I tried to play in the sandbox with Sarah and Jimmy but they threw rocks at me. “They threw rocks at you?” That’s blatant racial discrimination! If you can come to the board and spell blatant racial discrimination I will give you a cookie.

The teacher tells the class they’re going to do a spelling assignment that relates to what they did for recess. “If you can come up to the board and write the word I give you, you’ll get a gold star for the day,” the teacher explains. “Tommy, what’d you do for recess?” she asks the first student. “Well,” Tommy begins, “I played in the sand box with Suzy!” “Okay great. If you can come to the board and spell the word ‘sand’ I’ll give you a gold star.” So Tommy goes up to the board, spells ‘sand’ and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks Suzy, “Suzy, what’d you do for recess today?” So Suzy answers, “like Tommy said, we played in the sand box together.” “Okay,” the teacher thinks, “if you can come up to the board and spell ‘box’ I’ll give you a gold star. So Suzy spells ‘box’ and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks the third student, “Tyrone, what’d you do for recess today?” “Well I wanted to play in the sand box with Tommy and Suzy but they wouldn’t let me,” Tyrone answers. “Oh no!” says the teacher, “That’s terrible! Do you know what that’s called? That’s called ‘racial discrimination.’ If you can come up to the board and spell ‘racial discrimination’ I’ll give you a gold star.”

The teacher asked Alex if something was wrong, since he wasn’t out with the others.

“It’s because I’m in love with you, Alex told her.

“Well,” the teacher replied – “What If I don’t like small children?”.

“Then…we’ll just have to be careful, I guess”.

Little Johnny comes in and the teacher says “why are you late?” He says “I was playing in the sandbox with Mikey and Charlie.”

The teacher says “well, I’ll let you out of detention if you can spell ‘sand.” Johnny spells it out loud “S-A-N-D.”

Mikey comes in next and the teacher says “why are you late?” He says “I was playing in the sandbox with Johnny and Charlie.”

The teacher says “well, I’ll let you out of detention if you can spell ‘sand.” Mikey spells it out loud “S-A-N-D.”

Charlie comes in last, in tears. Teacher asks “why are you crying?” Charlie says “Johnny and Mikey were making fun of me for being black.”

Teacher says “well, I’ll let you out of detention if you can spell Racial Discrimination.”

Little Billy was in math class and the teacher asked, ‘If there are 4 birds on a telephone wire, and the farmer shoots one of them off, how many are left?’ Little Billy raises his hand and the teacher calls on him, ‘Yes Billy?’ Little Billy says ‘Zero! Because when the farmer shoots the other birds will fly away!’ The teacher says, ‘Actually, the answer is 3, but I like the way you think.’ Now this got little Billy steamed. He knows what happens when you shoot a gun around birds so plots to get his teacher back.

At recess, little Billy approaches his teacher. He says to his teacher, ‘Teacher, can I ask you something?’ She says ‘Sure Billy, what is it?’ He says, well you see those 3 girls across the street eating ice cream?’ She says, ‘Yes.’ Little Billy says, the first one is just nibbling at it a bit, the second one is licking the sides and the third one is gobbling it down. Which one is married?’ The teacher is a bit perplexed but says, ‘I guess it’s the one gobbling it down.’ Little Billy says, ‘No, it’s the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think!’

Hopsquatch!

Curious as to what his dad’s doing, little Johnny decided to skip school to see what was going on.

When he gets to the woods he finds his dad there with his aunt Jenny. Well aunt Jenny is on her knees helping Johnny’s dad relieve himself.

After school little Johnny runs home to tell his mom what he saw. ” Momma, you’ll never guess what I seen dad and aunt Jenny doing in the woods.”

Little Johnny’s mom stops him right there and says, ” wait til your father gets home to tell me the rest.

Later at dinner, while the whole family is there, little Johnny’s mom say, ” hey Johnny didn’t you say you had something to to tell me?”

“Yeah,” says Johnny, ” I seen dad and aunt Jenny in the woods doing what you and the neighborhood guy do.”

and the teacher says, “who can tell me what they did at recess?” Sally raises her hand and says, “I played in the sandbox.” “That sounds like fun, Sally! If you can correctly spell sand, I will give you a cookie, replied the teacher.

“Sand, S.A.N.D. Sand” said Sally with a smile.

“Correct, great job Sally, come get your cookie!” Said the teacher. “Now Robert, what did you do at recess?” Robert says, “I played in the sandbox with Sally!” “That’s neat Robert, if you can correctly spell box, I will give you a cookie.”

“Box, B.O.X. Box” Spelled Robert with confidence.

“Perfect Robert, now come receive your prize.” Said the Teacher. Now what about you, Jaquan? What did you do at recess today?” Jaquan is crying a little bit and says, “I tried to play in the sandbox with Sally and Robert but they threw rocks at me and called me names.”

“MY GOD!” Exclaimed the teacher, “That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me! I’ll tell you what Jaquan, if you can correctly spell “Blatant racial discrimination” I’ll give you a cookie.

But I drew a line at hopscotch

There was once a contest to see who could come up with the best pun!

I delved into the recesses of my mind, researched and ask friends for all their best jokes.

Finally, after laborious work, I settled on ten, and sent them in, one by one, in the hopes of my hard work paying off.

Weeks went by till I got that fateful letter:

“Dear Sir or Madam: thank you for the jokes! They were truly wonderful jokes, but they were not up to our standards. We are sorry to say, though your jokes tried so hard to win, no pun in ten did.”

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

“Kenny,” he says.

“And what is your question, Kenny?” she asks.

“I have three questions,” he says.

“First — what happened in Benghazi?

“Second — why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?

“Third — what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?”

Just then the bell rings for recess.

Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says,

“Okay, where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question?”

A different boy — little Johnny — puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.

“Johnny,” he says.

“What is your question, Johnny?” she asks.

“I have five questions,” he says.

“First — what happened in Benghazi?

“Second — why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?

“Third — whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?

“Fourth — why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

“And, fifth — where’s Kenny?”

An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess.

Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess?

Johnny: I played in the sandbox.

Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word “sand” on the board, you get a cookie.

Johnny writes “sand” and gets his cookie.>

Teacher: Alright Suzie, what did you do?

Suzie: I played in the sandbox with Johnny.

Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word “box” on the board, you get a cookie.

Suzie writes “box” and gets her cookie.

Teacher: Jamal, what did you do?

Jamal: Well, I tried to play with Johnny and Suzie, but they kicked sand in my face.

Teacher: Oh no, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can write “blatant racial discrimination” on the board, you get a cookie.

Three 3rd Graders, an Irish, an Italian, and a Black are in the bathroom during recess and they decide to have a weenie contest to see who has the biggest weenie! The Irish boy pulls his out first and it’s pretty small. The Italian goes next and it’s about average. Then the Black Boy pulls his out and it’s clearly the largest, but the other boys say “Well you won, but it’s because you’re black!”

So that night when the black boy goes home, his mom asks him what he did in school that day. He tells her how they did coloring, and reading, and what they learned, and how he played recess, but then he says “And mom, today me and my friends had a weenie contest, and I won! But mom, the others boys said I only won because I’m black”. To which his mom replies “Tyrone, you didn’t win because you’re black, you won because you’re 17!”

A teacher asks her class, “If there are three birds perched on a wire and a hunter shoots one, how many will be left.”

Timmy raises his hand and answers, “There won’t be any left. The one will be dead, and the other two will have been scared off by the noise of the rifle.”

The teacher replies, “Timmy, that’s not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you think.”

Later, at recess, Timmy asks the teacher, “Which one of those ladies at the picnic table do you think is single? Is it the one eating a cookie, the one eating a sandwich, or the one sucking on a popsicle?”

“I think it is the one sucking on the popsicle,” answers the teacher.

Timmy says, “Actually, it is the one without a wedding ring, but I like the way you think.”

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. “I know,” he said, “we can play ‘Who’s Got the Biggest Pee Pee'”.

“How do you play that?” asked the redneck.

“It’s easy,” said the Spanish boy, “we can play it next recess.”

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. “Alright,” said the Spanish boy, “Lets play.”

The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner.

And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed.

Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy’s.

As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.

“You win for sure,” they both said.

Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, “So did you make any new friends today?”

“Yup. I played this game called ‘Who’s Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won. Is it because I’m a redneck?”

His mother laughed and replied, “No sweetie, you won because you’re 23.”

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

>The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered “Would you like me to be your friend?”

The girl hesitated, then said “Okay.” looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, “Why are you standing here all alone?”

“Because,” the little girl said with great exasperation “I’m the goalie!”

but they woke him up in time for recess.

As a 3rd grader, the day is pretty uneventful. However, when he takes a break for recess, he sees all of the kids gathered in a circle around his best friend Jimmy.

Wanting to see what all of the fuss is about, he pushes his was through, and sees he friend standing there proudly with his shirtsleeve rolled up. On his wrist is a nice, very grown-up looking watch. All of the kids are staring in amazement at Jimmy, wondering how her got something so cool.

Johnny says to his friend, “Wow, Jimmy! That’s a really cool watch! How’d you get your parents to buy you something so expensive?”

Jimmy responds, “Well, it was really weird. Last night, I couldn’t sleep. After awhile, I heard my parents shut their door, and then I heard some strange noises coming from their room. It sounded like they might be fighting, but they were also giggling and stuff. I walked in to see what was going on, and they yelled at me. I went to my room, and was pretty upset about it. A little bit later, my dad came in, told me a really weird story about birds and bees and stuff, and kinda confused me. After that, he said I was mature enough to take care of something valuable, and he gave me this watch. I think it’s supposed to be some kind of life lesson or something. All I know is that I got this cool watch out of it.”

Johnny was immediately excited. He too had heard the “fighting and giggling” noises before, but he never even thought about walking into his parents room. He definitely didn’t know he could get a prize for it, even if it meant getting yelled at!

So, that night, Johnny made sure he didn’t fall asleep. He stayed up as late as he could, and as fate would have it, he heard his parents shut their door. He crept down the hall as quietly as he could, and put his ear to the door. Sure enough, he heard the same sounds that Jimmy had described…

He gathered his courage, and in an instant, he kicked open the door and turned on the lights!

His parents scrambled to cover-up with the sheets as his dad yelled “What the hell are you doing, Johnny?!!?”

Johnny yelled back, “I wanna watch!”

“Fine”, yelled the dad, “Get in the corner and keep quiet!”

They did this the following day and the day’s after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Would you do me a favor? I would give you each a dollar, if you promise to come around and do your thing.”

The boys were more than happy to accept this and continued to bang the bins.

After a few days, the man came out to meet them with a sad smile, and said, “This recession really is putting a dent in my income. From now on, I will pay you each 50 cents to continue.”

The boys were unimpressed by this, but continued to do the same afternoon activities.

A few days later, the man approached them again and said, “Look, the recession has again reduced my income, so from now on, I am afraid I can only pay you 25 cents each.”

The leader then exclaims angrily, “That’s it? If you really think we are going to waste our time banging the bins for 25 cents each, you must be a fool. No way that’s going to happen. We quit.”

The man then enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

The teacher eventually woke the kid up for recess.

My daughter and her friend were telling me that they were building a chair out of snow at recess and it inspired this gem of a dad joke.

If a chair made of snow is a snair,

And a table made of snow is a snable,

What is a house made of snow?

.

.

.

.

.

An igloo of course!!!

(I bet you thought snouse!!)

Posting today as I just realized it’s my cake day!!!

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?”A girl raises her hand and says, “I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country.” The teacher replies, “Well…that’s a good answer, but that’s not the answer I am looking for.”Another young student raises his hand and says, “I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the Civil War.” … “Well, that’s another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for.”Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, “I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived.” The teacher’s mouth drops open in astonishment. “Yes!” she says,”that’s the answer I was looking for.” She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, “Why did you say, ‘Jesus Christ’?”The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, “I know it’s Moses, and YOU know it’s Moses, but business is business.”

Sure is hell ain’t a dominant one.

My mom never told me about him, but it’s nice to finally meet him!

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: “Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn’t take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!”

The doctor remains calm: “The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep.”

The chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: “I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child.”

Max finds Hannah really pretty. Thinking he’s old enough for a girlfriend, he decides to try to flirt with Hannah.

“I just remembered, I had a dream about you last night!”, Max did not, in fact, have a dream about Hannah last night.

“Oh, really? Was it a nice dream?”, says Hannah, clearly flattered. Max starts to panic.

“Uh, I can’t remember, I slept through it!”

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they had to decide it now. So they called a recess and went to a separate room to come up with a way of figuring this out. After a hour they came back and called in the poets. The head judge addressed them proclaiming “Both of you are the creme of the crop, the top of your game and we cannot decide who is better so we have come up with a single elimination spontaneous poem based on a random subject that neither one of you have ever mentioned in all of your work. You will have exactly 1 minute to prepare your poem and after both contestants have read their work we will decide. The subject is Timbuktu!”

Both poets immediately started to contemplate their upcoming feat and after 30 seconds the first poet stepped forward. “Esteemed judges, I Am ready.” He cleared his throat, “Timbuktu by Robert Frost of London England…..Ye as I walk across this foreign land, i feel my feet upon the sand, I see a train coming thru, on its way to Timbuktu” the judges looked at eachother with agreement that this was a poet at his prime. They thanked him and Mr Frost stepped back. The next Poet stepped up with a grin and addressed the judges. “My Poem is ready sirs and Madams, Timbuktu by Ollie Johnson of Ballard Washington…..Tim and I a hunting we went, when we spotted three maidens in a tent, well they was three and we was two, so I bucked one and Tim Bucked Two.

When I got up, I noticed Ihad a rock embedded in my knee and my friend was pointing & laughing at me. So I dug the rock out and whipped it at him- hitting him right in the forehead.

That was the only time I ever passed a kid knee stone.

How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Someone else has do it, because the economist won’t know if the bulb is recessed properly until it has already been turned at least 2 quarters.

A recession.

…in a large company, tells his boss one day, “If you want me to continue working for you, I need a 20% raise.

You have 24 hours to give me an answer.

I have four companies chasing me, so let me know your decision”.

The boss is alarmed. “In this recession, a 20 percent raise?

So many employees are being laid off, and so many others have seen a major cut in their salaries, yet you want a 20% raise?”

“I am not here to debate this with you,” says the employee.

“As I said, there are four companies chasing me, so just let me know your decision.”

Next day, the boss calls him in, and says, that due to his great performance he decided to comply and will give him the requested raise.

“Great,” the man says, “ I will continue gladly with you.”

As he is leaving, his boss asked, “Out of curiosity, who are the four companies chasing you?”

“Oh, they are” he responded, “Bank of America, Wells Fargo, Credit Suisse, and Quicken loans. I have to repay them all”

An American anthropologist has been studying a tribe in Africa by living with them for a year.

One day, the chief called him into the chief’s hut.

The chief sighed. “Well, my friend, it seems that we must ask you to leave.” The anthropologist was surprised by this; he thought he had gained the tribe’s trust.

“Why, what’s the matter?” he stammered.

“It seems that a woman in our tribe has given birth to a baby… a white baby,” said the chief.

The anthropologist began to laugh. “Oh, is that all? No, that’s just a classic case of albinism. It’s caused by inheriting recessive pigment genes and…”

The chief didn’t look convinced, so he pointed at a nearby flock of sheep. “See those sheep? All of them are white except for that one. It’s like that!”

The chief was silent for a moment and said, “Listen, you don’t talk about the sheep, and I won’t talk about the baby.”

The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy.

The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost everyone in this twisted family has a history of domestic violence. Not wanting to subject the poor boy to a life of physical punishment, the court decided to take a recess to brainstorm what to do with the son. The court eventually comes to a historic and unprecedented conclusion:

The boy would be in custody of the England national football team because they’re incapable of beating anyone.

During recess, one party approached the judge and offered a sum of money for a favorable decision. His honorable happily accepted the bribe.

When the other party knew the judge was bribed, they approached him and offered twice the amount of the opposing party. Like the first party, his honorable accepted the bribe.

When the proceedings resumed, the judge announced:

“Because both parties have given me a large sum of money for a favorable decision, I will now have to decide the case based on its merits”.

Bob

(I’m sorry idk why, but I had to post this)

The news travelled fast around the tribe and soon after, the confusion led to anger. Upon his return from the jungle, the white British zoologist who was living with the tribe for the past 3 years, was quickly apprehended and brought to the tribe’s chief to be urgently judged.

At first, the the innocent man was confused, and upon hearing the charges against him, he understood the predicament he was into. He soon realized the severity of the situation, and started working his brains out how to explain recessive genes to simple tribesmen, and save his life.

‘What you have done, is to condemn the future of our tribe, to shame a young woman, and to rip her husband’s heart out’ – came the accusation from the tribe’s chief.

‘ I swear I didn’t do anything to her!’ – the scientist defended himself.

‘How dare you to lie even when presented with such evidence?! The newborn is almost as pale and sickly looking as you are!!”

‘Chief, I beg you.. before you cast your verdict, please hear me out. I can explain, the baby is not mine..” – begged the scientist.

The chief gave a long look and said: ‘Out of respect I used to have for you, considering you’ve helped us in the past with those magic pills and needles, I will hear you out one last time. Make it quick!’

The zoologist was frantically searching for a way to explain. He looked outside towards the mountains, contemplating whether it will be his last day alive. Suddenly he noticed the goat heard the tribe children were herding, and suddenly yelled: ‘Chief, look upon the hill, do you see the goats?’

‘Yes I do.’

‘And do you see that although all of them are white, the youngest goat is black?’ – the zoologist continued his reasoning.

The tribe chief turned is gaze back towards the goats, and fell silent for a few seconds. The zoologist could see in his long gaze the surprise of the idea, and then the slow realization. The chief turned his gaze back towards the scientist.

‘Right.. I see your point. I tell you what, I decided to let you alive so you can return wherever you came from. But you DON’T mention anything about that black goat to any of the other tribesmen. Clear?’

His name is Dwayne, and I hate him. I have really bad eyesight, so without my glasses it’s basically impossible for me to see anything, and it was negatively affecting my grades.

Dwayne broke my first pair when I left them on my desk and he “accidentally” sat on them.

He broke my second pair when he slapped my in the face because he was “swatting a fly”.

He broke my third pair when he threw a ball at my face during recess.

He broke my fourth pair when he snapped them in half because he wanted to “test their durability”.

Eventually I complained, and Dwayne was moved to another school. I haven’t had problems with my eyesight since.

I can see clearly now, Dwayne is gone.

I fear that I may go bald.

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, “I’m just a walking economy.”

His friend replies, “What do you mean?”

“It’s like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.

Wife: That’s silly, we eat noodles.

Me: If this recession gets bad enough, yes, we would.

Then he got a puncture, now he lives in a flat

Jones: Mr Smith, can you tell us what the deceased said before he died?

Smith: Yes, I can. He said…

Judge: Now hold on a minute. I’m not sure if it could be considered hearsay if I allowed Mr Smith to continue.

This led to a long argument between both lawyers and the judge regarding the admissibility of Smith’s testimony. After a couple of hours of deliberation, the judge calls for a recess while he consults his legal books.

It takes the judge several hours to search through his legal text, so much so that court gets adjourned for the day. Unfortunately, this exchange happened on a Friday with Monday being a public holiday. On Tuesday, everyone reconvenes in the courtroom, where the judge rules that Smith’s testimony will be admissible. Jones proceeds to begin questioning Smith again.

Jones: Mr Smith, can you tell us what the deceased said before he died?

Smith: Yes, I can. He said “Ugh!” and died.

Three old men went to see God.

The first old man, an American, asked God when will his country come out of recession. “100 years,” God said.

The American started weeping profusely. “I will not live to see that day”

Second man, a Russian asked God “When will my country become prosperous?”

“Fifty years,” came the reply.

Russian too started weeping profusely. “I will not live to see that day”

Finally the Indian asked God, “When will my country become corruption-free?”

God started weeping profusely. “I will not live to see that day”

The departing CEO left him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” the departing CEO said.

Egon made a lot of changes, but six months later revenues had still not picked up and was in fact lower than when he was brought in. Egon was catching a lot of heat. Almost at his wit’s end, he suddenly remembered the envelopes. He opened the first one, it said: “Blame your predecessor.” Egon went all out on PR and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press, and Wall Street, responded positively, the stock price went up and the heat was soon off him.

About a year later, the ad revenues had still not picked up, and the company was facing serious engineering problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Blame the environment.” Egon went on a PR overdrive again, blaming the war in Europe, the global recession etc. and the pressure was off him again.

More quarters passed. The company was still not generating enough revenue. Under pressure again, Egon turned to the third envelope.

It said: “Prepare three envelopes.”

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial – it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a locker room in the police station – a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes, sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes, sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes, sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

My little brother’s teacher asked “Who shot Abraham Lincoln?”. He answered “John Wilkes Booth”, and the next recess, his locker had “STOP SNITCHING” painted on it.

it was during recess, by the swings. Her name was Liz, she was in 4th grade. We were talking, I don’t know what came over me, I grabbed her face and kissed her. It lasted about 10 seconds, we both awkwardly kissed each other, it took us both by surprise.

That night, it was all I could think about. Apparently, that night, she told her parents.

And that’s why I can’t teach in New York State anymore.

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Does that mean six more weeks of recession?

It’s a recessive gene though, so both parents have to not love her for the trait to manifest.

If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?

The upcoming global recession

One is when your neighbor loses their job, the other is when you also lose yours.

My son was born with a different skincolor than myself and wife. Just wondering what Recessive traits we’re passed down to him. I mailed it off over 6 months ago and still no response….

the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.

Because they have seen what an artist from Austria was capable of during the great recession.

P.s go read some ww2 history if u dont get it

By using double coupons and shopping wisely.