What did one pumpkin say to the other after the halloween party?
Damn! We got lit last night!
What’d the farmer say when he accidentally squashed his pumpkin?
Oh my gord.
My dad said i could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So i did as he said.
When he came back to check up on me, he yelled, “you ruined the table! And you spelled pumpkins wrong!”
A pumpkin and her husband go out for a special dinner date.
They meet each other after work at a table within the restaurant.
Wife: “How do I look?”
Husband: “Gourdgeous as ever dear.”
What do you find in a pumpkins pants?
A Halloweenie!
I’m drunk and I might’ve made up a joke?
What do people in Alabama do on Halloween?
Pumpkin.
What did the sweet potato say to the pumpkin?
“I yam what I yam”
What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?
They’re orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
Why does a redditor carve a pumpkin?
To distract himself from the fact that he is too, just a lifeless round object putting on a fake smile when another person is near.
I saw a beautiful pumpkin today…
It was gourdeous.
In honor of the spooky season, what do you call a compressed pumpkin?
A squash :3
What do you call a pumpkin carved before Halloween?
A pre-ejack o’lantern
Why do we carve pumpkins for Halloween?
Because they’re less bloody.
Did you hear about the pumpkins that went to the gym?
They wanted to become jacked-o-lanterns.
What do you call death by a massive pumpkin falling on your head?
gourd to death
What do you call carving a pumpkin in September?
Premature ejackolantern
What do you get when you flat pack a pumpkin?
Squash
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch
What do hillbillies do on Halloween?
Pumpkin
What do you call a man wearing a pumpkin hat?
Gourdon
It was a chilly day of spring when I answered the door to a child holding a plastic pumpkin by the handle.
“Trick or treat!”
“A little late on that one you reckon? Halloween was months ago”
“It was? Sorry, I’m Internet Explorer”
What’s the difference between a pumpkin and a fleshlight?
Ones a Jack-O’-Lantern, the other is a Jack-N’-Lantern.
What’s the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?
You’ll get autumn’y ache.
Kids: “There isn’t enough sugar in the pumpkin filling!” Dad: “Hey, cooking is an art, not a science…”
“… you can’t calculate pie.”
What instrument does a pumpkin play?
An a-gourd-ian.
(I’m so sorry I had to get it out of my head)
Where do pumpkins hold meetings?
The gourdroom
What do you get when you divide a pumpkin’s circumference by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi
Heard this on Psychostick’s livestream :3
Pumpkins are the most beautiful crop.
They’re absolutely gourd-geous.
Which is the the most incestuous fruit?
The pumpkin!
Throw your rotting pumpkins at pretty people.
It is a sure way of calling them Gourdeous.
Why did the Mexican pumpkin have to go on a diet?
Because he was gourd-o.
A 900 kilogram pumpkin fell on a local man today.
Reports say he was squashed.
What’s the difference between a pumpkin and a classroom filled with baby antelopes?
Quite a few things
Dang girl, are you a pumpkin?
Because they call me Peter Peter.
Happy Halloween!
Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll :
Step 1. Get a pumpkin.
Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.
Step 3. Give it a little push.
Step 4. Enjoy.
Did you hear about the pumpkin who played basketball?
He was a point gourd.
You have a pumpkin.
You measure around it. All the way around.
Then you cut the pumpkin in half so the top is separate from the bottom.
Measure across the cut pumpkin.
Divide the circumference by the diameter.
What do you have now?
Pumpkin Pi
Who helps little pumpkins cross the street?
The crossing gourd
What do you get if you divide a pumpkins circumference by its diameter?
Pumpkin π
Sorry.
How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?
Apply the pumpkin patch.
What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka?
A sorority.
I once won a pumpkin carving contest.
It was a hollow victory.
In a farmers market, Farmer A sells pumpkins, Farmer B sells strawberries, what does Farmer C sell?
Medicine
… runs off …
Did you hear about the sailor who turned into a pumpkin pie?
He’s a squashbuckling pirate
I recently decided to stop smashing pumpkins cold turkey.
It was difficult at first, but it got easier once I decided to use the pumpkin patch.
Did you know that the state vegetable and official state pastime of Alabama are the same thing?
Pumpkin
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let her… As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.”First, you must wear a diaphragm.”
Cinderella agrees.”What’s the second condition?”
“You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.”
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn’t show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.
“Where have you been?” demands the fairy godmother. “Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!”
“I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.”
“I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!”
“I can’t remember, exactly… Peter Peter, something or other…”
I sell pies from my car. $2 for apple pie. $3 for pumpkin pie.
These are the pie rates of the car I be in.
What do you call a woman who can suck a golfball through a garden hose?
Honey, sweetie, pumpkin, baby, whatever it takes
I read that the three most popular Halloween costumes this year are clown, pumpkin, and dinosaur.
I’m capitalizing on this trend by selling costumes of Trump.
Coffee is acidic. Until you add pumpkin and spices…
Then it becomes basic.
A piece of pumpkin pie costs $2.00 in Jamaica and $2.45 in Barbados.
These are the pie rates of the Carribean.
I created a robot that serves me pumpkin spice lattes…
Naturally, I coded in BASIC
I heard someone call pumpkin spice lattes basic…
but they are wrong, lattes have a pH below 7
The girl I’m dating loves pumpkin spice lattes and uggs, but she’s honestly pretty odd
She literally can’t even
Tried to spike my pumpkin spice latte with LSD and it exploded
That’s what happens when you mix acid and basic
Where would you rate Smashing Pumpkins in your top 90’s bands?
For me, I’d rate them Less than Jake but Better than Ezra.
So I’m dating this girl, called magnesium hydroxide, she likes fairy lights, nickelback and pumpkin spiced lattes…
Yeah she is pretty basic.