Point Jokes

A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, “Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby.”

The doctor said, “Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man – he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it.”

The man said, “Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear.”

The doctor said, “My point exactly!”

Period.

Oh, Shoot!

I think I Excel with it’

‘Is that a computer joke?’

‘Word’

As reality started collapsing, the heroes struggled to stop it but couldn’t figure out what was the reason behind it. Even Dr Strange furiously searched for the source of this calamity until a young sorcerer apprentice Ned started yelling.

“I found it! I found out what was the absolute point”

Strange rushed to him, “Tell me quick, we don’t have much time. What happened?”

Ned sighed, “Someone posted a new joke in r/Jokes”

A sentence.

What did the leper say to the hooker??

“Keep the tip.”

Because what goes around comes around.

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.

When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?” The 90-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else shot that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?”

The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons of milk. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath”.

The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”

The blonde said, “No, just up to my boobs.”

Beer Bottle : You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror : You kidding me? You break me, then y’all get 7 years bad luck!

Condom : Ha ha ha… (Walks off laughing)

…even though the whale was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

“But the whale swallowed Jonah,” the little girl insisted.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible, she said.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

Half of Americans won’t get it anyways.

“I Excel at it.”

“Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun, sir?”

“Word.”

– I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.

– CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

– Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.

– McDonald’s is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.

– Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.

– Moms and Dad’s in Beverly Hills let go of their nannies and finally learned their child’s names.

– A busload of Yanks were apprhended sneaking into Mexico.

– A picture is now only worth 100 words.

– The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

– I called a car dealer to get the book value on my used car. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty

…Bullet points only.

The man replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m a U.S. congressman!”

The robber retorted, “In that case, give me all my money!”

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue following if she wanted but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to the K-mart next.

Whoever could drop their watch from the tower, get to the bottom and then catch the watch will win $100000. A man from Western Australia tried his luck by dropping his watch and running down the stairs (if there are stairs). He picked up his broken watch and left. A man from Queensland dropped his watch from the tower took the elevator to the bottom and searched for a watch repair shop. Finally, a man from Victoria dropped his watch, explored all the levels of the tower left the tower, went shopping for a bit, bought a bunch of souvenirs and then as he was walking back to the tower he caught his watch and went up to the top. As the staff were preparing the cheque one of the puzzled employees asked “how the bloody hell did you catch the watch”. The man then said “my watch is 3 hours slow”.

Once God approved, Peter went back to the pearly gates and saw a line. Excited about the new order he went to the first person and said, “tell me about the day you died.”

The first person said, “it was horrible, I could have sworn my wife was cheating on me so I came home from work early to catch her in the act. When I got there I saw a man hanging from my balcony all sweaty and such. I got angry and started stomping on his hands. When I saw that didn’t work, I grabbed a hammer and hit his hand until he let go. He landed on some bushes so I ran inside grabbed the refrigerator and threw it on top of him, having a heart attack immediately after and dying.”

Peter thought, man that was terrible! with a smile on his face he let the man into heaven. Peter, now enjoying this job again went to the second man. “Tell me about the day you died.”

The man replied, “Oh man it was terrible! I was doing aerobics on my balcony when I rolled my ankle and fell from my balcony. I managed to grab the balcony a floor below me but then some lunatic started attacking my hands with his feet and a hammer. With no other option I let go. Fortunately I landed in some bushes. But then I look up and the last thing I see is a refrigerator falling on top of me, then I ended up here.”

Peter trying not to smile said, “ yes that was terrible! Please go right in, you did have a bad day.” More eager for the next one, Peter goes to the third man in line, “ tell me about the day you died.”

The man smiles and says,” ok get this, I was hiding in a refrigerator…”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find three people without any problems?”

He says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.”

To the Scotsman he says, “You’re in charge of shoveling.”

And to the Chinese guy, “You’re in charge of supplies.”

He then says, “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.”

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, “Why didn’t you sweep any of it?”

The Italian replies, “I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.”

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says “And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.”

The Scotsman replies, “Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th’ Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin’ him neither.”

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, “SUPPLIES!!!!”

I mean, unless you leave out the punchline, every joke ends in a spoiler, right? (Serious question, SORRY.)

And he says to his mum “mum I really want to be like that airplane when I grow up!”

His mother: “why? Because it flies really high?”

Him:”no, because it’s hanging from the ceiling”

She was shocked I wasn’t a period.

Bear minimum

Cause it marks the end of a sentence.

A Python-Korean Theorum

Professor: Can you mention any kings that have brought happiness and laughter into people’s lives?

Me: Smo-king, Drin-king and fu*-king

It really puts everything in perspective.

my photos were on every slide

my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.

…notices a strong odor of alcohol and makes the driver blow into a breathalyzer, gets double the limit. The driver says this is a mistake and that his device must be broken and tells him to check his wife. The wife blows double the limit. The driver says his device is definitely broken and he should check the sleeping baby in the back. The cop checks the baby and gets triple the limit. Convinced that his device is malfunctioning, he let’s the car go.

“I told you a couple of shots won’t hurt him” says the driver to the wife.

and a lot of bull in between.

…when you’re smoking weed on Mount Everest.

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”

Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

” Son, even if everyone gave up on you, you can never ever give up on yourself. Do you understand?

” Yes.”I was deeply moved.

My mom turned around, she looked at my dad and said: ” Yeah he knows, we can go now”

Man: ‘Is this Gluten free?’

Cashier: No.

It costs $4.50

Seeing no way out, he walked out on a bridge, intending to end it all by leaping off. A woman, driving by in her car, sees David hesitating unsteadily on the wrong side of the railing and realizes what’s going on. She stops her car and dashes over, hoping to talk him out of suicide.

“Wait!” she shouts. “Don’t jump! Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. What’s your name?”

“I’m David. Everything’s gone wrong. I just don’t think I have anything left to live for.”

“I’m Annie. Do you have family? Parents? Wouldn’t they miss you?”

David: “I have my dad and my sister. Both of them are wonderful….Yes, they would miss me. And I’d miss them.”

Annie, seeing that David is reconsidering: “Great! You should live for them! Are you religious?”

David: “Yes, I’ve been going to church since I was a little boy.”

Annie: “You’re Christian?”

David: “Yes.”

Annie: “Me too. My faith has gotten me through some hard times. Are you Catholic or protestant?”

David: “Protestant.”

Annie: “Me too, I was raised Baptist.”

David: “No kidding? So was I.”

Annie: “Northern or Southern Baptist?”

David: “Northern.”

Annie: “So am I! Midwestern or New England Baptist?”

David: “Midwestern. I’m from Indiana.”

Annie: “Me too! 1892 rite or 1917 revised rite?”

David: “The revised rite.”

Annie shouts “WHAT? Die, heathen!” and pushes him off.

Apparently the correct answer is, Fiji.

One is an outlier to the right, the other is an outright liar.

Why not?

I don’t know, it sounds the same.

I finally shaved my legs

It was a pivotal moment.

Dementia.

To get to the other slide.

I took a closer look and it was actually just toothpaste.

So I stared out of the kitchen window.

Its a spot between the eyebrows that can help alleviate stress and tension. Explains why talking to certain people makes me wanna bang my forehead against a wall.

He really raised the steaks

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted

a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car

when the mechanic shouted across the garage,

“Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

“So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged,

and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing

basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.

“Try doing it with the engine running.”

It was mind-bowling.

Going by that metric, I’ve been dead since 1909.

Eventually, he came around.

I said “Mom, it doesn’t work that way in jail.”

If I want to disappoint two people at once, I take my parents out for dinner.

The son never sits on the brutish umpire.

Yeah, it was EXCELent!

The man knows how to deal with de feet.

Unfortunately I can’t remember her face

Polish Border Control Officer: “Nationality?” German: “German” Polish Boder Control Officer: “Occupation?” German: “No, just visiting”

She almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu

Getting the quarter back.

…..and returned.

It turns out nobody wants to ask the person running the register if they got the *Mommy Issues.*

It caused…quite a stir.

Those were darkest days of my life.

I said, “Perhaps”

if you don’t blow

We didn’t have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

– Kamal, let’s say you converted several years ago to the Catholic religion.

– That’s nice, but I don’t know anything about the Catholic religion.

– Don’t worry, to verify that an employee is Catholic, the priest always asks the same questions. Since I’ve thought of everything, I’ll mark the answers on the lawnmower, so you can just read them!

Kamal is hired. On the first day, while he was mowing the lawn, the priest approached him:

– Are you the new gardener? Are you Catholic?

– Yes sir, I converted.

– Do you know what the mother of Jesus was called?

Kamal leans over the mower and says: Mary.

– And the father of Jesus?

Kamal looks back at the mower and says: Joseph.

– Could you give me the names of the two thieves who were on either side of Jesus on the cross?

Kamal leans back on the lawnmower, raises his head with a big smile and says: Black and Decker!

John stands up, gives the teacher a perplexed look and after thinking nice and hard says “Well, it obviously is past tense.”

Marriage

She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my husband hath oft taken that road.”

[This is translated from a joke book from the Middle Ages – ‘Facetiae’ by Poggio Bracciolini (1380-1459)]

My question is why 1 in 5 enjoy it.

“Don’t worry everyone, it will all happen really quickly you won’t feel a thing”

Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month

Coz hindsight is 2020.

It wrote thousands of other words!

I pushed my buddy Dave off a cliff, as I had a feeling it would’ve been him.

I guess you could call the disease it causes “CO*R*VID-19,” eh?

By the way, Did you know that 1 in every 3 people experience Alzheimer’s at some point in their life?

This is known as “Ellen Degeneracy pressure.”

It keeps the pilot cool. If you see it stop, and you will start to see him sweat

After that, he was alright.

That point is birth.

The other 35% are probably ugly.

Nobody deserves to be happy forever after all

without protons, nothing matters.

And they were right saying that the government had been hiding much land and the surface is actually larger. How else would they be able to walk that far to fool themselves.

that you might get to see how it ends.

I’ve already done 3 times before!

We are all going to die from a meteor in April anyway.

When you both become stiff.

The devil has sold its soul to Trump.

But when someone has the name “Dickinson.” I draw the line.

Now I’ve just got to figure out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend.

… so in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special.

Eventually, he realized that it wasn’t just him – the reindeer were tired, his sleigh was starting to look a bit run-down, and even the magic that kept him alight wasn’t as strong as it used to be. But then, he discovered that the diversity of the world – itself a wonderful thing – was just what he needed. Each part of the world seemed to have an affinity for a different part of his operation. And so on his journey, he would periodically pit-stop and recharge, tune-up, re-energize, before taking to the skies again.

Northern and Western Canada he found to be full of tundra-dwelling First Nations shamans who would tend to his reindeer lovingly. In various locations in the Orient he found the peaceful tranquility of meditating on zen koans to be just the healing salve his weary soul required. In the Middle East, he found amazing storytellers who were just as good at listening, for those times when his journey seemed so lonely. Denmark, known for its fine furs, always kept his red outfits tip-top, and Santa warm and comfy. And the craftspeople of Germany were expert at getting the best performance out of his sleigh.

One Christmas Eve, after getting his sleigh-blades sharpened, and his sleigh seat re-upholstered, Hans, master craftsman, joined him in a prayer: “Bless this sleigh, and bless the man would uses it to bring joy to children all over the world.” Then Hans stopped abruptly, as if realizing something he had forgotten. “Santa!” he asked, “You want us to check your steering apparatus?”

“*Nein*, my good Hans. I bless the reins down in Africa.”