A redhead, brunette and a blonde walk into a bar.
The redhead says,”I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it.”
The brunette says,”I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars.”
The blonde says,”I have 2 bags of silicon and you should see the cars outside my house.”
[It is my first time writing a joke. All my previous jokes were Ctrl+C Ctrl+V. So don’t go mad at me.]
Our chemistry professor told us he was excited about winning a platinum award on reddit. Someone responded “ Well, thats petty. “
A Science Teacher stood in the front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”
Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.” The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicone.” The teacher said, “Silicon? Why silicon, Little Johnny?” “Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!”
What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?
Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold
EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”
(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”
Edit: Silver! Thanks, my son will be stoked! After I explain to him what that even is 🤣
And Gold! You guys rock, he’ll love it!
Platinum!?! Wow 👌🏼💪🏼
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear.
“For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears.
The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again.
The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.”
The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title.
“In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
First upvotes were enough, then gold and platinum. Now it’s awards.
I don’t like over confident people
Edit2: thanks for the gold!
Edit3: thanks for the platinum!
Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!
Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!
Edit6: thanks for the ternium!
A pastor dies and get into heaven
The pastor smiles and nods as he walks thru the gates.
Looking over his shoulder he sees the next guy arrive & stops to watch.
He can clearly hear Saint Peter talking to the man. He waits a moment & watches as the man comes in and gets escorted a couple hundred yards away to a palace made of platinum, with golden windows & the surroundings made of a metal he had never seem of before.
Quizzical, the pastor walks back to the entrance and asks Saint Peter what that gentleman do to get such a exquisite setup.
“Well”, Saint Peter said. “He led thousands of people to the Lord.”
“What?” exclaimed the pastor. “I’ve done the same thing!”
“Not quite John” replied Saint Peter. “Joe there was a bus driver who frequently drunk. You may have spoken to hundreds of people about the Lord; but they were listening. While you were speaking of the Lord, Joe’s fares were praying.”
I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy….
I didn’t mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.
A young bride and groom to be
A few moments after the big bang a cloud full of Hydrogen atoms fall into a blackhole and die.
St PtEr says to them “Welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form one dimension.” And they do so.”
St. PtEr turns to the first atom in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever interacted a neutron?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… observed one with a photon…” St. PtEr says “Alright Sister, now bounce a photon in the H20, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
St. PtEr now turns to the second hydrogen atom and says “Sister, have you ever touched a Neutron?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I orbited one for a moment” “Alright Sister, now just wash your gravitons in the Holy H20, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one atom is trying to cut in front of another! St. PtEr sees this and asks Sister Protium “What is this? There is no rush!”
Sister Protium responds “Well if I’m going to have to rub my electron shell in this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Deuterium sticks her Boson’s in it!”
I hate guys who are too overconfident..
Edit: Thanks for the silver!
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
Edit: Thanks for the platinum!
Alan takes his wife fishing
The day of the competition rolls around, and each of the Anglers take it in turns. The first man is a big beefy lad, and he catches 5 fish.
The second is a woman in her 30s, typical american heroine- plaid jacket, shotgun in the ‘Trunk’ (imitation of course but she brags that its real) and platinum blonde hair. She manages to catch 17 fish, and it looks like the competition is already over.
Finally, Alan is up. As usual, he only catches 15 fish, which is still good for him. He walks past his competitors, beaming.
“Why are you so happy?” They ask him.
“My wife is up next, and she’s sure to win!”
The other competitors laugh, they’ve seen his wife. Shes in her 50s, tight permed hair and with a little apron, the pinnacle of domesticity, looking like she’s never fished in her life.
To their surprise, she catches 250 fish! The competition is called off due to concerns for local wildlife, and everyone is clamouring around Alan and his wife.
A reporter from the local paper wants to do a story on the amazing event and says “who are you amazing Anglers?”
“I’m Alan, and this is my Wife.”
“And what’s her name?”
“Annette”
A man was recruited for a space colony
“Welcome to Anti-Earth,” The driver said, “don’t worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony on the way.”
They had been driving for a couple of minutes when the recruit saw glowing buildings far away.
“Why are the buildings shining like that?”, he asked.
“Didn’t they brief you about the colony?”, the driver asked “We don’t call it Anti-Earth for no reason, it’s literally the opposite of Earth. Any element rare on Earth is as common as carbon (C) here, and interestingly carbon (C) doesn’t occur naturally here. So we had to make good of what we had, the buildings are made of rare metals like radium (Ra) which glow in the dark.”
After half an hour they arrived at what seemed the main highway, the road had a faint bluish glow and the sides were lined with metallic posts shining faintly in the double moonlight. They stopped near a small dilapidated shack with the words “COMMUNICATION OFFICE” crudely etched on the walls.
“This is your office. You are supposed to handle communications for the colony,” the driver said. “We can’t use any wireless communication as the high amount of radioactive gases in the atmosphere interferes with the signal, so we have to use a type of telegraph instead. Come on, I’ll show you our most important resource.”
They walked a bit till they reached a plantation full of bizarre trees. Some were made of precious metals, some of common earth metals and some of them were glowing radioactively.
“This is the plantation for building the posts. We brought these seeds from Earth and planted them, apparently as they couldn’t get the conventional elements they just used what the soil contained. We just sell the gold (Au), silver (Ag) and platinum (Pt) trees to Earth, the iron (Fe) and aluminium (Al) are used for constructing equipment and there are some pretty rare elements like uranium (U) and astatine (At) (which is the rarest element on Earth) which are used for scientific research. However, these aren’t what we are here for.”
The driver motioned him to follow him towards a small area of trees with a silvery sheen to them.
“These are made of rhenium (Re) one of the densest elements with one of the highest melting and boiling points. It is strong enough to withstand the toxic atmosphere and radioactivity of this planet. So we use it to make the telegraph posts. As you may have noticed we have lined almost the whole road with telegraph lines.”
“You don’t mean…”, the recruit began.
“Yes,” the driver cut him off, “this place is full of (Re)posts.”
A photon
What do I know about bonsai trees?
A New Metal has been added to Chemistry
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found… tends to get heavier with time.
**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**
– Boils at any time
– Can freeze at any time
– Melts if treated with love
– Very Bitter if Mishandled
**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES**
– Very Reactive
– Highly Unstable
– Possesses Strong Affinity towards Gold, Silver, Diamond, Platinum, Credit cards, Debit cards & Cheque books
– Money Reducing Agent
**OCCURRENCE**
– Mostly found in front of the Mirror.
– It’s highly flammable when mixed with in-laws.
– It has mixed properties when seated with parents.
– Very harmful to you if she sees you with any element similar to itself!
A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in front of a remote Buddhist monastery.
In the middle of the night, the man wakes up hearing a strange noise. He follows the noise and sees that its source is a strange door made of wood, but it’s locked. The following morning, the monks give the man breakfast and fix his car. He thanks the monks and asks them:
“Honorable monks, I cannot thank you enough for your generosity, but I must ask you a question. Last night I heard a strange noise coming from behind a locked wooden door, and I’m dying to know what the source of the noise is.”
The leader of the monks responds:
“We cannot tell you, because you are not a monk.”
The man thanks the monks again and leaves disappointed. A year goes by, and the man coincidentally breaks down in front of the same monastery. He knocks on the door again and they greet him as an old friend, giving him once again a bed to sleep on. In the middle of the night, the man hears the same strange noise, and follows it again to see it’s coming from the same wooden door, which is still locked. In the morning, the monks once again gave him breakfast and fixed his car, and as he was about to leave the man once again implored the monks to know what was behind the wooden door:
“Thank you once again, kind monks. It has been one whole year and I still wonder what the source of the strange noise is, as I’ve heard it again last night.”
The monks all look at each other and cackle. The leader once again steps forward and tells the man:
“We cannot tell you, because you are not a monk.”
The man leaves frustrated once again, and doesn’t stop thinking about the strange noise for months. Two years later, the man coincidentally breaks down in front of the monastery once again, and once again the monks give him shelter. The man hears the strange noise in the night again, and in the morning asks the monks:
“Please, kind monks. I must know the source of the noise, I beg you.”
The monks explain to the man once again:
.
“We cannot tell you, because you are not a monk.”
The man asks them what he has to do to become a monk. They tell him he must travel the world and count all the leaves in the world’s trees, all the blades in the world’s grass, all the grains of the world’s sand, and all the drops of water in the world’s oceans. He must return with the exact number, and only then will he become a monk and be able to learn the source of the sound.
The man sets out on his quest to become a monk, and 65 years later returns to the monastery as an old man.
“I have traveled the world,” he said. “I have counted every leaf in the trees, every blade of grass, every grain of sand, and every drop in the ocean. There are 1572794709088 leaves in the world’s trees, 3651870612479 blades of grass in the world, 6810379165872 grains of sand in the world, and 10752899766394 drops of water in the world’s oceans.”
“Congratulations,” the leader of the monks said. “You are now a monk. Please, come with us.”
The monks took the man to an initiation ceremony. They gave him his robes and shaved all his hair. The man requested to be taken to the wooden door to learn the source of the strange sound, so the monks took him and gave him the key. The man opened the wooden door, just to find a door made of stone behind it. He asked for the key to the stone door, and the monks gave it to him. He opened the stone door to find a door of coal behind it.
One by one, the man kept unlocking and opening doors. After the door of coal he found a door of glass, then a door of iron, then a door of steel, then a door of bronze, then a door of silver, then a door of ruby, then a door of sapphire, then a door of emerald, then a door of gold, then a door of platinum, then a door of diamond, and finally a door of obsidian.
“This is the final door,” said the leader of the monks. “Behind it you will find the source of the strange sound.”
The monks handed the man the key to the door of obsidian and, as he opened it, the man finally found the source of the strange sound…
But I cannot tell you, because you are not a monk.
I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder”…
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
EDIT: Thank you for the silver!
EDIT AGAIN: Thank you for the gold and platinum! I am honored!
Your mom is so fat
[EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum
What do you call a pregnant flight attendant?
The hut with an attic
One day, the king grew tired of sitting on the floor; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a simple wooden stool. He sat upon the stool, and for a time, he was content.
Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his simple wooden stool; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of copper, and padded with wool; and he put the simple wooden stool up in the attic; and he sat upon the wool-padded, copper chair; and for a time, he was content.
Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his wool-padded, copper chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of silver, and padded with linen, and decorated with emeralds; and he put the wool-padded copper chair up in the attic; and he sat upon the emerald-decorated, linen-padded, silver chair; and for a time, he was content.
Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his emerald-decorated, linen-padded, silver chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of gold, and padded with silk, and decorated with rubies, and now with the addition of reclining functionality; and he put the emerald-decorated, linen-padded, silver chair up in the attic; and he sat upon the reclining, ruby-decorated, silk-padded, golden chair; and for a time he was content.
Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his reclining, ruby-decorated, silk-padded, golden chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of platinum, and padded with velvet, and decorated with amethysts, and still with reclining functionality, and now also equipped with cupholders; and he put the reclining, ruby-decorated, silk-padded, golden chair up in the attic; and he sat upon the cupholder-equipped, reclining, amethyst-decorated, velvet-padded, platinum chair; and for a time he was content.
Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his cupholder-equipped, reclining, amethyst-decorated, velvet-padded, platinum chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of space-age alloy, and padded with memory-foam, and decorated with synthetic opal, and still with reclining functionality, and still with cupholders, and now with built-in heating elements for the winter; and he put his cupholder-equipped, reclining, amethyst-decorated, velvet-padded, platinum chair up in the attic; and the roof caved in. This just goes to show: people living in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.
Baby Yoda’s first word
My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction
I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.
On the right side, there is nothing left.