A long time ago a man was walking around the streets of Vienna…
“Well,” Boris replied, “I am the piccolo player for an International Orchestra.”
“Spectacular!” the man replied.
“It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says ‘Fill the instruments with gold!’ and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone with gold, and then there’s me with the damn piccolo.
“We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says ‘Fill the instruments with silver!’ and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and then there’s me with the damn piccolo.
“Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he says ‘Shove the instruments up their asses!’ and the tuba doesn’t fit, and the trombone doesn’t fit… and then there’s me with the damn piccolo!”
So two orchestral conductors were walking down the road…
The other conductor replies: “That was no piccolo! That was my fife!”
*I’ll see myself out. Ow! Stop throwing things.*
I got suspended for bringing a piccolo to school.
What is Piccolo (From DBZ)’s favorite kind of truck?
How do you get two Piccolo players to play in tune?
What kind of instrument can you make with a gherkin?
Some musician related jokes
Why can’t a French horn player keep a girlfriend? Whenever they start making out, his hand goes to the wrong place.
What do you call a euphonium player who isn’t part of a military band? Unemployed
How many tuba players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, one to hold it in place and the other to play pedal tones until the world starts to spin.
A 6th grader decides he wants to play tuba and his parents find a world-class private teacher who hosts hour-long lessons at his house. The first day, after the lesson, the teacher drives the kid home and he runs to his parents and says “I learned how to play the note Bb today!”. The second day, the same thing happens but the kid had learned to play an F. The third day the kid doesn’t come home. The parents wait until an hour after he was supposed to be back and call the teacher, asking where the kid is. The teacher replies “He’s at his first gig”.
How do you make a guitarist play quieter? Put sheet music in front of him.
What does a gig opportunity for a trombonist have in common with Christmas? They both only come once a year.
How do you know a singer is at the door? Can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.
How do you get two piccolo players to play in tune? Shoot one of them.
How do you get two oboe players to play in tune? Shoot both of them.
What’s the difference between rock and jazz? Rock plays four chords for an audience of millions, jazz plays millions of chords for an audience of four.
Band Jokes!
How do you get two piccolos to play in tune? Shoot one.
What is the best use for a clarinet? Kindling.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower? You can tune a lawn mower.
What is the difference between an oboe and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.
How many trumpets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one, but the rest of the section will talk about how they could do it higher and faster.
How many trombones does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Ha, trombones can’t get that high.
What do trumpet players use for birth control? Their personality.
How go you make a trombone sound like a French horn? Put your hand in the bell and play the wrong notes.
How do you make a French horn sound like a trombone? Take your hand out of the bell and play loudly with bad tone.
How do you get the tuba player off your porch? Pay for your pizza.
How can you tell a drummer is at your door? The knocking speeds up.
A woman went on three dates. The first date was with a trumpet player. After the date, her friend asked her how it went. “He was a little arrogant, and when he kissed me, his mouth was too tight.” The second date was with a tuba player. After, her friend asked how it went. “He was a nice guy, but he had a little too much to drink and the goodnight kiss was loose and slobbery.” The third date was with a French horn player. After, her friend asked how it went. “The date was ok, and kiss was mediocre, but I loved the way he held me.”
How do you get a guitar player to stop playing? Put sheet music in front of them.
That’s all I remember off the top of my head. I encourage you to share your terrible band jokes!