Nation Jokes

Before the big night, his father tells him: “Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.

Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation

And finally I want you to take of your clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”

After the big night the father asks his son: “So how was it ?”

Son: “Well, I carried her in my arms to show her that the US is a strong nation”

Father: “Good!”

Son: “Then I threw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation”

Father: “Yeah!”

Son: “And then I took off my clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation”

Father: “Very Good! And then what did you do ?”

Son: “I jacked off in front of her”

Father: “What ? Why would you do that for ?”

Son: “To show her that the US is a free and independent nation!”

*”DUCK!!”*

(sorry for bad English, it’s not my native language)

The American says: We have our intelligence agencies, like CIA. They are the best in the world, and they know everything!

The Frenchman says: We have beautiful women. Despite being so attractive, they are not easy to be seduced.

The Turk says: We have our carpets, they are both durable and beautiful and you won’t find anything like that in the world.

The Scotsman says: What’re ya pajama-wearing basket faced slipper wielding lads talkin’ ’bout? I f*cked a French woman on a Turkish carpet, and CIA doesn’t know sh*t ’bout it!

You know, I was very Hungary one day, so I went to go Czech the fridge. I managed to find some Turkey that was leftover from Thanksgiving, but it was all covered in Greece. So I closed the fridge and Czech’d the pantry. I saw a Canada beans, so I grabbed them and microwaved them, but it exploded. My mom says that Iran out of diversity with food, and that I needed to expand on that. She also mentioned we need to get groceries. I said “Denmark my words, I shall go to the grocery store!”.

when they could have had Fire Fighters.

Discrimination

I thought of a joke, but couldn’t quite piece it together. Side note: corn chip puzzles are difficult to assemble but they taste good!

Thank goodness it’s my first cake day!

Trade liberty and justice for Wall.

Procrasti-nation

It’s a better way of saying I’m U.N.employed.

“Oh really? Which one?

” Imagination”

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, “My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.”, off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:

“Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country” and he jumps out.

Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.

“Go on take the last one”, the old man said, “I lived a long and fulfilled life.” Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, “Don’t worry, we’ll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack.”

Procrastination

Examination

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam’s nationality.

The Frenchman said, “Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!”

The Englishman said, “Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman.”r>

The Russian said, “Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a paradise?”

Serious answers only. I’m studying for my AP World History final.

Imagination.

Sorry

Cross Country

Insemination.

The automated voice says, “YEEHAW! HOW Y’ALL RECKON I CAN HELP?!”

He asks a student “Who is your father?

The student replies “The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father.”

Kim Jong beams. “Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?”

The student doesn’t hesitate. “The Land of True Korea, outstanding in her beauty, international superpower, and redeemer of all civilisations, she is our only mother.”

Kim Jong applauses. “What a diligent student you are. What do you want to be when you’re older?”

The student replies “An orphan.”

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. “Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.” “Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.” “No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.

In an impoverished nation, the shelves are empty and people starve.

In a wealthy nation, the shelves are overflowing and people starve.

A man walked over to her and said, “This is red deer, Cervus elaphus, it’s pleased to meet you.”

Then she watched him continue to other visitors and say the same thing.

She catches up with him and asks, “Why are you doing this?”

The man responds, “The ranger told me this species hadn’t been introduced here.”

And then … you all will be sorry.

I’m not unpatriotic; I just don’t like country music.

That’s why Canada is the best damn country in the world!

A man dies and he gets a guided tour of hell from the devil, before he can go to heaven.

First they see a huge pit full of hot tar, and people screaming in agony. There’s barbed wire around the pit, and guards with rifles.

The man asks: What’s this?

And the devil says: this pit is for the russians. Here, if someone tries to climb out, the guards shoot him and throw him back into the pit.

Next they see another huge pit full of hot tar, and people suffering. There are signs all around the pit.

The man asks: What’s this?

And the devil says: this pit is for the germans. Here, if someone tries to climb out they notice the signs. The signs say “Climb back!” so they climb back immediately.

The man is amazed, but they go further, and see a third pit full of hot tar, and people screaming in pain. Curiusly, there seems to be nothing around this pit to keep people in.

The man asks: What’s this?

And the devil says: this one is my favourite, it’s the pit for the hungarians! Here if someone tries to climb out, the others pull him back!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you liked the joke, tell me about your own nation’s pit in the comments!

Hard labour.

to tell them that the world is going to end in a week, and that they must inform their countrymen and women. Shocked, the leaders return home wondering how to best break the news. The next day, they all hold press conferences.

Barack Obama: “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that God exists, but the bad news is that the world will end in less than a week.”

Robert Mugabe: “I have only bad news. God exists and the world will end in less than a week.”

Kim Jong-Un: “I have great news! I am on a first name basis with God, and He told me I would rule until the end of the world!”

We’d have a prime number of states and finally be “one nation, indivisible”

then they’d probably be hit with a Luxembargo.

My imagination.

Depends on which one is on TV right now.

Little Johnny answered first. “I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, loads of cocaine, and all the while banging her like a loose barn door in a hurricane.”

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

“And how about you, Sarah?”

“I wanna be Johnny’s tart Miss!”

Empty

Because the rest of the world is awake!

…Soviet ‘RE’Union

Maple trees, spruce tress, and indigenous family trees.

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they’re British

If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they’re German

If they retreat, they’re French

If they switch to your side, they’re Italian

If they apologize, they’re Canadian

If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they’re American

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says “I have two questions”

“Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?”

Putin says “Good questions” But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says “I have Four questions”

“My Questions are – Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Alina?”

Edit: The comment are saying that Sasha and Misha are male names, and that “The Ukraine” is incorrect. Thanks for that, it’s changed now.

Edit 2: Front page woop woop 😀

Because it’s 10/4 Good Buddy!

The United Nations sent out a survey to all the nations in the different continents of the world.

The survey went like this:

“We want your honest opinion on how to find a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world”

The survey of course, turned out to be a total and abject failure:

The People in western Europe didn’t know what the word ‘shortage’ meant. The people in eastern Europe had no idea what the expression ‘honest’ was supposed to mean. In china no one knew what ‘opinion’ was. In Africa they didn’t know what ‘food’ was. In the middle east no one could figure out what ‘solution’ was; and in america they had no idea what ‘the rest of the world’ meant.

Sorry, I couldn’t make it.

Two, one to… just kidding you can’t run a democratic nation on two parties.

Because it’s 2/10.

Soviet, of course. Who else would walk around barefoot and naked, have one apple to share between them, and think they were in Paradise?

Guys it’s not true, even Osama bin Laden lived there peacefully for 6 years

Cuban.

‘Maraca

So is 11/9.

Guy at the airport: Nationality?

German dude: German

Guy at the airport: Occupation?

German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation.

… in Ukraine.

(Just thought about it, sorry if it’s not OC)

Unpresidented

The United States is currently in an unpresidented situation.

North Polish

Well, their capital is always Dublin.

The national anthem doesn’t say: “Hey Frank, look over there!”

Instead it says: “Jose can you see.”

Air conditioning.

– Where are you from, private?

– Sir, St. Petersburg

– Oh, I’m from there too. Who’s your father?

– Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.

– That is impossible, how can that be?

– Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, Putin tell the recruit:

– That actually makes sense, but really who’s your mother then?

– Sir, my mother is Russia.

– How so?

– Because people always say Russia is mother of all people, all ethnic, all nation.

Laughing out loud, Putin’s liken the new recruit with great hope and ask him friendly.

– Spectacular private, what role model do you want to become?

– I want to be an orphan, sir.

They have been marking uncles, fathers, and brothers as the same person when they die.

Polynesian

It’s not called the National University of Technology and Science, because that would be NUTS.

Because wind resistance is negligible

In response, the world banded together and quickly solved the problem through mutual cooperation and understanding

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

but the invention of the broom swept the nation.

Because if you call it a skirt where they can hear you, you get kilt.

Trump: Just tell them to send my presents to Mar-a-Lago.

Canada Day was yesterday!

I thought, well that’s a red flag.

Border guard: Nationality?

Tourist: Russian.

Border guard: Occupation?

Tourist: No, no, just visiting this time.

The intense UV light bleaches all the flags placed there white.

A US drone

A young master and his butler visit the Yellowstone National Park.

In the vicinity and unnoticed by the young master is his fiercest rival.

As the young master turns his back, the rival makes a silent attempt on his life.

The butler, always prepared to defend his charge, rushes the would-be-assailant and knocks him into the boiling hot springs below.

As the rival meets his end, the oblivious young master turns and asks his faithful butler, “What was that noise I just heard?”

The butler replies, “Just a guy, sir.”

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they’d rather bring back the remains of Mugabe to their country. Puzzled, the Israelis asked why.

“We read in history that a famous man was crucified and buried in this land, and after 3 days he returned to life. We don’t want to take that risk of burying our President here”.

e-stir

National Dyslexic Association

It’s a sad state of affairs.

…the McRib will now be available nationwide for the first time since 2012.

Only six more sleeps!

I believe the title is misleading because it’s actually full of stuff.

Polish

The teabag stays in the cup longer

A big 10-4, if you will.

…but couldn’t because it was paper view.

We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds…

This would make him an Air Friar.

Because schools are closed.

But I guess if there’s a Will, there’s a way.

I sent myself a Hallmark card honoring the event.

because it was easier than making phone calls?