Map Jokes

How do you get around in Italy? You Rome.

Why does everyone love Thailand? They Bangkok.

I Congo to Africa, Kenya?

Why do the French take there time? They hate to Russia

What’s the unhappiest state? Misery

Who are the unhappiest Europeans? The Hungary ones.

Why are the so many Subway’s in India? Because it’s the New Delhi capitol of the world.

Why does Russia have so many Latino immigrants. Because they have Mas Cow.

Where can you eat of the floor. Where they Florence.

FEEL FREE TO ADD TO THE LIST IN THE COMMENTS

Because you give me D-rections.

Because he lost his map.

He is very meticulous, agonizing over every little detail on the map. After months of work, he nervously presents it to his client, who says it’s perfect and commissions another big project. As he leaves the meeting, the cartographer takes a deep breath, turns to his assistant, and says, “I was really worried he wouldn’t like it, but that was a huge relief.”

Baby, if you were a CS:GO map you would be de_stroyed.

…So I took it off her, and scrunched it up into a little ball.

She was not impressed to say the least, and whined “how are we going to find our way now” as she un-crumpled the paper, “we’re lost now”.

I said “well you’re not going to get anywhere with that latitude”.

We looked all morning trying to find them. We looked high and we looked low. Finally, when all hope was lost and she thought she was going to have to re-draw them from scratch, I found some maps in a desk drawer I hadn’t checked. When I showed her what I’d found, she said ‘Oh, that’s a relief!’

He goes in to the first place he comes across. Walks in to the biggest building and asks the first person he can find, what’s this place called? Cardiff the person says. The English man marks Cardiff on his map and carrys on. After a while he spots another settlement so again he walks in to the biggest building he can find and asks the first person he sees what’s this place called? Conway the person says. So again the English man marks his map and carrys on his way. After a while he comes across a very small collection of buildings just a few houses and shop and a pub. Tired from his long journey he goes in to the pub walks up to the bar and asks the person next to him, whats this place called? The Welsh man looks round and drunkly mumbles Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch so the English man finishes off his pint marks it on his map and carrys on his way.

… but first I gotta travel to the top 2 corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

(Mitch Hedberg 2003)

Yes you are.

It was a true Seoul searching journey.

Atlast.

…forgets the “L” in Australia?

I told him it was a Seouless thing to do

I just know that guy’s plotting something.

A con-tour map

He gave them the task of finding their assigned country on the globe, and explaining how it can be identified

‘I can find Italy on the globe, Sir’ says James ‘It’s easy because it looks like a boot’

‘Well done James’ says the teacher

‘I can find Pakistan on the globe’ says Emily ‘It’s easy because it looks like a dog’

‘Well done Emily’ says the teacher

‘I can find South Africa on the globe’ says Olivia ‘It’s easy because it looks like a rhino’s head’

‘Well done Olivia’ says the teacher

‘Sir’ asks Johnny ‘Can I have a country other than Sweden?’

But it always gets caught in the spam filter!

I said, “I post jokes on reddit hoping for upvotes.”

They said I was borderline incompetent.

…this guy is off the chart!!!

The other 36% said, “What’s a world map?”

“That’s just spam”

They say it’s so good you’ll be able to read maps backwards.

But I soon realized it was just spam.

What a legend.

Because only a man can believe that an inch equals a mile. – Rosanne (?)

For booty calls

iPhone map app has a major problem. The voice directed me to “turn left then bear right” …. but it was really just a cat sitting there.

It told me to rob a bank.

That was just downright rude!

and now I’m all covered in brugeses

“Not only is this world flat as the map truly shows it to be but all the places and physical features are also fictional!” He says

“Why do you think that?” Someone asks

“Because in the key on the side it says everything is a legend.”

But that’s because only men can convince themselves an inch is the same thing as 100 miles.

He uses polar coordinates!

The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.

AV famously stated, “Um.. err.. I ca..”

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he stopped suddenly and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead.

The captain gasped.

“…Carol??”

“Hey, loser,” she droned, relieving herself between two pines. “I see you’re still looking for buried treasure like a childish twat.”

She chuckled, pulling up her pants. “Well, here you go! Good luck digging it up, dumbass!” she laughed, flipping him the bird as she strolled away.

The crew sat in stunned silence. No one dared address the captain…until his first mate whispered, “*Brilliant.*”

“Brilliant!” the captain shouted, rounding on the man. “*Brilliant?!* Ya mind telling me what the devil me former wench be doin’ pissin’ on the place we’re to dig?”

“But don’t ya *see*, captain?!” he shouted excitedly, holding out the map. *”Ex marks the spot!”*

I guess we’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Then we’ll have to start calling it Wasrael

George: Here is it!

TEACHER: Correct! now, class, who discovered North America?

Class: George!

I bet it’s hard to get refills for that printer.

With the recent changes to Afganistan

plans are being drawn up to rename it

the currently suggested new name is:

Talibanistan

Or a pharmacy, or maybe a shoe store.

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying

around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the

aircraft’s navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the

helicopter’s position and course to get back to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it,

the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading,

“WHERE AM I?”, and hold it up for the building’s occupants to

see.

People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a

large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said, “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the

course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how

the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their

position.

The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the Microsoft

support building, they gave me a technically correct but

entirely useless answer.”

I Am Legend

A guy goes to buy a notebook at the stationery shop. He finds a good one wrapped in plastic for $10, so he takes it up to the counter. The cashier rings it up, but tells the guy no matter what, not to look at the last page. The guy thinks it’s an odd thing to say, but pays the $10 and takes the notebook home.

He unwraps it, and naturally his curiosity starts to get the best of him…what’s on the last page? Could be anything: a pirate treasure map!; some kind of forbidden pictures!; his imagination goes wild.

Hands shaking with excitement, lips dry, he fumbles his fingers to the last page …

He sees it …

A price sticker that says $5.

(This isn’t verbatim from my kid – I did my best to make a lil more coherent and “moth joke” like)

They’re really ahead of their time.

Because it’s area code is 404

I spend a lot of time looking at them, but they always end up making me confused.

It was my way or the Huawei.

I say this because just like treasure, you’ll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

EDIT: Thanks a million to everyone who upvoted. It’s the first time I get these many. Oh, and by the way, the joke is stolen, it’s a meme that has been going around for a while now, so… middle finger to all of you.

The cartographer noted that the northern part of the country, along the Nicaraguan border, was fairly wide, but the country’s width diminished as it trended southeast. At the border with Panama, it was much narrower.

“Hmm,” mused the cartographer. “It’s beginning to look a lot like Isthmus.”

But isn’t it crazy that when I look up I don’t see Canada?!

Napoleon says “Behold, Gentlemen! Our destiny lies within our grasp!”

One advisor asks “What is your plan, General?”

Napoleon slams his fist on the table. “All of Europe will fall to our forces. We shall take it piece by piece until our empire is established. My first step will be to unify the French people behind me!”

“But, General,” began another advisor, “no one has been able to bring the people of France together for decades. You as just one Frenchman really think you can do what many other Frenchmen have failed to do?”

“Corsican,” declared Napoleon.